Aibu to be upset my mum does not want to live with us

[Stresshead123]

I am upset with my mum as my dh & I asked if she would like for us both to sell our houses & buy a big house together (ours worth twice as much as theirs). My parents stay at their static caravan for 9/10 months of the year which they love they are mid 60,s. I have a brother with mental health problems who lives with them (but doesnt go to their van with them) he isn't much bother but has agoraphobia/depression etc. We are worried for the future if my parents stay in their house as if need a carehome etc what will happen to my brother if they go in a care home etc plus it's 15 miles from where we live & I know I am going to be driving back & forth etc as they age to help them/& brother. Also I have an autistic son who takes a lot of my time. When we put forward the idea & how much it would save them in gas/electric bills etc my mum said "she couldn't live with me" & that really upset me. In my & dh eyes it would be perfect solution my brother would benefit, my dad is all up for the idea as they don't live in a great area & their house is very small & no central heating. We had reassured mum that we would get mortgage protection plus pay off mortgage in 10 years so we would be secure. If we lived together the money they saved would help with upgrading their caravan, give them a good quality of life. It's not about money but I know that I am going to be left to deal with everything at some point in the future if anything happens to their health.Am I being unreasonable to be upset she doesnt want to live with us?

Do you think they mistakenly interpret it as you trying to gain by them putting in to your home? What if you were to describe the amount your brother would ultimately own etc and how you will meet any care needs they may have in the future that might otherwise have been met by their home?
But at the end of the day, they have the right to say no and you have to respect that. I know its hard to watch and worry about your parents future. Its really hard to see vulnerability in people who you always saw as strong and your protectors and to face the reality of mortality but if they dont feel this option is right for them then youll have to cross that bridge when you get to it.

Yabu, your mother doesn't want to live with you, most people wouldn't want to give up their freedom, peace and privacy to move in with a family.

I'm sure your brother certainly wouldn't want to live with your family, if he enjoys his own space and is kept sane by it then the stress of moving in with two adults and a kid would be too much for him. With agoraphobia he'd have no escape.

Yes YABU most people in their 60s wouldn't want to give up their own space.
A majority of people in care homes are 80+ (many older) and it is between them and your brother,( as far as he is capable) to make plans for his future.
You only need to be involved if they are actually asking you to contribute to his care-would he want that?

Unless your parents become mentally incapacitated the decisions are up to them.
I think you are worrying too far in advance.
Living together full-time can be difficult even if you get on well

Have you spelled out your concerns re: the difficulties you will have if they need extra support and live further away? Does she realise why you want to do it now, re: house prices, settling in schools, etc.?

Rather than live together could you get two houses next to each other? Or build a second house next to another house.

I thought you sounded lovely too, but then in later posts you sound so keen on getting into this bigger house now cos of prices, schools etc and I have to ask - can you not afford to live in that better area without your parents selling their home to co-fund the move? Because if so, then it seems like the whole issue of their care/convenience may be kind of secondary to the fact that you want to make this move and need their help to do it. Otherwise why wouldn't you just make your own plans to move there and if the time ever comes when they wish to join you then they're welcome to. Sorry, but it sounds like you want a house you can't afford and have retrofitted the whole plan to that. As others have said, there's no impetus at all for your folks to give up their little piece of the world and take on the upheaval and stresses of sharing your home, even without the whole brother complication in the mix. You may be lovely, I'm not certain, but am pretty sure yabu.

When I'm in my mid 60s I'll still be working. It seems very young to be losing your independence.

The fact that your mum says she couldn't live with you doesn't mean that she doesn't love you dearly or enjoy being with you. It would create a situation that not many people would choose to be in.

Would you really be asking for this now if it weren't for the fact that you want a bigger home?

Pink delight, I already live in the the area with children already in the local schools, my parents like it here it's a safe place with lots of lovely countryside but good amenities. Where they live now the area is bad & getting worse. It would be nice if they could just sell up & move here but they wouldn't get a flat for the same price as their 2 bed house.

Imagine someone trying to take away some of your independence when you were 20yrs old, because at 40, you might need that help.

Does that sound very appealing to you?

Independence, freedom, being an Adult in your own right, master of your house and family... All curtailed because someone wants to get ready and wait for twenty years just in case it's the best way to deal with thing then.

Are you sure that sounds very appealing to you?

Maybe they are happy the way they are? At the moment they could probably rent out their own house if need be.

Your what about your brothers inheritance?

I'm sure you meant well, OP, but if your parents are only mid sixties and have no major health issues, they probably want to stay independent for another twenty years. Also, don't underestimate how much hard work it is to look after someone who's infirm. No, they're not infirm now, but once they are you could find yourself working flat out just to keep up with their basic needs. I'd buy however much house you can afford on your own now while the prices are good, and leave your parents be.

Sorry, I don't think you sound lovely; I think you sound grabby!

These should be your parents 'golden years' - they have raised their family (although still taking responsibility for your brother) and have presumably retired from their jobs. Now is their opportunity for freedom and pleasing themselves. They should be enjoying their caravan, holidays, hobbies, their own space and time.

Why would they want to give up their freedom and independence to live with a child who is obviously after their money to buy a bigger house for herself and her family? Are you trying to make sure the money is invested in your house because you think they might leave their money to your brother, who obviously needs it more. What does your brother think - presumably he has a view?

Are you also seeking free childcare for your DS, given that he needs a lot of extra attention because of his condition?

You say that you are upset, but I expect that your DM is far more upset in that she has barely reached retirement age, and you are writing her off as old and infirm. Can't you see how offensive that is?

Old Jewish proverb 'How do you make God laugh?' You tell him your plans'

How do you know you won't have some fatal accident or illness and pre-decease your parents? It does happen, you know; there are no guarantees in life (save death and taxes!).

Well it was obviously a perfect idea in your eyes and a terrible one in your mum's. Personally I think it was a very presumptuous suggestion to make unless your parents had already said that they would like to live closer to you at some point in the relatively near future, and your brother had said he was very lonely with them away and would like your company instead. And even then should have been presented as a very tentative possibility, not a fully thought out and costed plan.

Your parents are adults and should be making their own plans, to me it suggests that you don't think that they are capable of making their own decisions. Are there reasons why you think they will very shortly become infirm or incapable (early Alzheimer in the family or other ill health)?

Moving in with other people even/especially family is a huge deal!

Yeap, approaching my mid-sixties and I don't like the idea of being written and losing my independence.

I can see where you're coming from but you are a bit early if your parents are still in good health. I think it would be a shame though if you ended up with all the donkey work to do if/when your parents need more help. Could you talk to them and try to sound out what their plans are and what they expect from you? They might be quite keen on staying self-reliant/going into a care home. My mother, who nursed her own mother and then my father through dementia, is adamant that if she can't live independently she'll go into a nursing home.

OP my FIL is in his 80s, still living in his own home. Both children living about 100 miles away.
He has stopped driving but is still very independent, catches the bus to town, takes Taxis to see friends. His older Grandchildren are also involved in keeping an eye on him.
In your 60s you are still pretty young, most of us will still be working.

I think you are worried about the future, but rather than discuss it you have come up with the solution which seems best to you. BUT what we are trying to point out here, by the time your parents need more help - a lot of things will have changed. If it is in 20 years time: your DC could have left home, will certainly have left school. Just think of all the things that could happen over the next 20 years: health scares, DH getting a new job overseas, changes to your relationship, their area could become trendy and prices increase.

They may say nice things about where you live, but that could be just being polite eg. a Londoner going to visit country friends and being complimentary but thinking: "I'd go mad here there is nothing to do" or even "The Country is okay when you are young, but I'd rather grown old in the city centre where everything is on your doorstep". Lots of us like visiting places that we would want to live in, although can see its ideal for others.

Do talk to your parents about preparing for the future: lasting powers of attorney (or whatever they are now called), what will happen to your brother - have they investigated, what they would like to happen if they get frail. But it is talk to them, not tell them what to do.

It is a nice idea on paper but I think in reality it is about 15 years too early to be thinking of such plans and your DM has made it clear she wants her own space. So on that basis YABU to be upset.

It may also be that your DM plans to leave the house to your DB so selling it now would leave him in a vulnerable position in the future.

Who would pay for your parents future care if you moved in together? Is this a way of you having your inheritance gifted over in advance. It's pretty likely that once they need care your parents house and savings will pay for it. Obviously that's far trickier if share ownership of a house.

To be honest, in their shoes, I would have probably told you to fuck right off. They are only mid sixties yet you're behaving as if they're already frail and infirm. No matter how sound your plan appears on paper or how good your motives are, they probably feel like you're already measuring them up for their coffins. I know I would.

This id definitely NOT about me getting a big house as I said before we already live in the area we suggested buying &already live in a 4 bed detached. (My husband has office here & we cannot extend so no room for brother)My mum has rheumatoid arthritis is on lots of meds & is constantly telling me she thinks she only has 3 years to live! My dad had health problems also unfortunately. My mum has always said never to put her in a care home & having worked in nearly every local one (when I worked for an agency) I agree with her. My brother isn't independent & has to have prescription & meds, washing ironing & shopping done by my mum. This wasn't ment to benefit me & certainly not to make my life easier!

Yabvvu it is a nice idea, but your parents are independent adults who are still young, mabey they don't want to live with you.

Just read your last thread, mabey they don't want to live with you yet, or at the moment.

I definitely think I won't be mentioning it again to my parents like a lot of the good advice that people have said on here I can see they might think I am trying to take their independence away & they are far too young. I was upset at my mums immediate response of "she couldn't live with me"but I will get over it.

Perhaps she would find living with you unpleasant. She might find aspects of your personality and habits uncomfortable – you do seem rather controlling. She wouldn’t be her own boss. Your attitude (‘in my & dh eyes it would be the perfect solution’) suggests that what you want is far more important to you than what anyone else wants. Perhaps this is why your mother is reluctant?
Maybe you just want to access the money from the sale of their house so you can buy a bigger property? You haven’t said so, but maybe you should examine your motives for wanting to ‘share’. As they spend so much time at their caravan who would really benefit from the sale of their house? Would that be you, by any chance?
Where do you intend your brother to live if the house is sold? With you? Is that clear to him? Have you thought that your parents might want to leave their house to him? You already have a better house, and he has not been able to provide for himself – they might want to ensure he has somewhere of his own. Living in their house while they are away gives him some independence, and sets a pattern ready for when they pass on. Your plan would disrupt that. Do you care?
Your autistic son takes up a lot of your time. Do your parents want to live with him? Autism can be hard to live with.
Just reflecting on what you’d written gave me concerns about your motivations and your expectations that other people will just fall in with your plans. Well done to your mother for resisting.