To not want baby to visit DP's house unless it is clean?

[LittleLady202]

Hi ladies!

Newbie to MN and young newbie mum to be here! Since my due date is coming closer this same scenario has went through my head and I'd love some honest opinions from all you mums out there!

Let me start with a bit of background, when I first got together with DP he seemed almost reluctant to bring me over to his house. At first I thought it was me until he explained that his house was messy and that he was embarrassed. Now I was shocked at just how messy the house really was but put it aside and got on very well with his family. Now that I'm pregnant and DS is getting ready to come into the world and DP and I have gotten a place of our own recently DP's parents (particularly his mum) are already asking when DS can sleepover/come over.

DP's parents really are lovely people and I do get on with them and enjoy speaking to/spending time with them but IMO the house just wouldn't be suitable for a newborn. DP's parents, more so mum, are hoarders so the house is in chaos most times. Clothes and other objects overflow the bath tub, bathroom has all over the floor, sink, shower, mold in corners/in shower, dust gathering everywhere. Clothes, dirty dishes, dirt/dust over floor, random objects they have collected litter the living room. The kitchen has dirty dishes piling out of the sink and onto any available surface, bits of old food cover the floor/counters, empty bottles and cans all over floor, fridge needs a serious clear out from the smell, more random objects/papers everywhere. Upstairs and the stairs themselves are literally covered with clothes/boxes of clothes, carpet beetles found in nooks/under beds, I've had a nasty case of bed bugs from staying before. DP's mum works part time (5 hours a week) and has admitted she should be cleaning but she can't be bothered, DP's father tries but he works 50+ hours and is sometimes too worn out. I'm sorry it was so long and TMI, I just wanted to explain as best I could.

I've spoken to DP about this and told him my fears for DS to which he blows up and thinks I'm being a bitch because in his words "His parents have been nothing but nice to me and the house was good enough for me to stay in before we had our own place so why not DS." I honestly don't know what to do since I know his parents are nice people and mean well and I don't want to hurt DP since it's a touchy/uncomfortable subject for him but I worry about DS's health.

AIBU?

[queenofthepirates]

I used to feel like this about my mum's house, it's full of clutter and hazards. Now I'm just glad for a break and I just cross my fingers my DD won't come to any harm. Actually DD LOVES the clutter because there's so much stuff to explore. I personally think it's a nightmare but hey hoo, I don't have to live there.

[lessthanBeau]

I have relatives who live like this, her ds is the same age as my dd they are cousins so we have always done things together, when they were babies and crawling I made sure they mostly came to my house to visit, occaisionally I would go there, I am not too proud to have a cuppa there, the floor is grotty though so I hated it when they started crawling , once they were on their feet it didnt bother me so much my dd loves going there to visit and play and she hasn't come to any harm yet, no sleepovers though, and her son has asthma and continual chest infections, which I put down to the dust and clutter, I love my friends so I close my eyes to the mess, btw they are not dirty people and the ds is always spotlessly clean and so are his clothes.

[Eatriskier]

YANBU. Its ok for you to stay, you are an adult and can undertake your own risks and know how to negotiate physical objects. It doesn't matter how nice they are, if their house is unsafe its unsafe.

I've posted on here previously about my own DHs hoarding issues. Its been an ongoing battle, and I didn't realise how dangerous it got until it got close to dangerous (if not actually dangerous) for my DC. However it took blowing up on behalf of DC to get DH to realise how bad he had gotten.

Theoretical (even when I was pregnant with them) DC didn't make a difference. DH needed to know what the DC were like for pulling and climbing to realise I wasn't being mad. Now I am not saying you should let your DS be there, but I would say your DH may not realise how bad until he sees your DS in action once he's on the move and starts destroying your house.

[RedSoloCup]

I would hate this if it is as bad as you say :(. My 3.5yo has literally just had her first night away from me so it's not necessarily normal to let your kids stay elsewhere.

[StaircaseAtTheUniversity]

My PILs are exactly like this. It's early days with us as DD is only 5 weeks old but so far this has been how we've dealt with it:

• being clear that DD won't be staying anywhere without us for years. So that's off the table.
  
• being clear that DD will be babysat here by whoever babysits.
  
• minimal time at PILs. Maybe easier as they live a fair distance away but just saying as it's an hour by car and she's EBF PILs need to come here.
  
• protectively clothed at PILs. The big problem there is fleas so making sure all skin is covered apart from face/head (on us as well as DD) and then changing in the car when we leave.
  

You have my sympathy as we are having to go to ridiculous lengths but if we say anything it will cause a huge rift so for the moment we are just towing the line and doing what we can.

[Jenny70]

I think say upfront that you won't be comfortable leaving the baby to have a sleep over for at least 1 year - so take that right off the table. No need for reasons, just baby is too little and you wouldn't feel comfortable with it - it is YOUR baby, not theirs. They don't get a "turn" when they want one.

After baby comes, if you do visit with baby, he'll be fine for a time - in pram or arms or on your rug on the floor. Maybe make comments such as "DS will be rolling soon, we're going to need to clear the floor so he has space" and "he'll be crawling into the kitchen before we know it, you'll need to have cupboard locks put on". "That pile won't be safe once he starts cruising, he'd pull that over on himself". Hope that these prompt them to think of his safety.

If they ignore, then you'll have to be blunt. If it's not safe, it's your job to protect him... even if DH is in denial about it. You are his voice, and if they don't care enough to make it safe (no tins, precarious piles, sharps/poisons left around) then they don't get to have him there. Obviously there needs to be sense here, clothes in bathtub whilst not nice isn't going to endanger him during a 2 hour visit.

[gimcrack]

Your DH needs to man up. Once the baby comes, it will be easier. For you, you'll have no qualms about sticking up for your baby. For your DH, once he's seen his pfb in the context of filth and bugs then he's likely to realise it is worth rocking the boat.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

I think Jenny70's approach of identifying work for "us" to do is a kind one.

On the basis your DP wouldn't accept what your GP said about bed bugs, I think you have more of a problem with him than you're admitting. Did you raise it with pil? What would happen if you said to them "I'm embarrassed to be bring this up now but when we visited in X, Y happened. I should have told you as soon as I'd seen the doctor, but I didn't want to offend you. Baby can't visit until it's sorted".

I certainly agree you need to make it clear you don't plan on any sleepovers for a long time.

[Iggly]

The thing, he's probably feeling defensive. Have you never mentioned it since it first came up (until now?)

I would try and be objective about it - you don't need to bring baby into the equation to highlight the problem.

[zazA09Jane]

you need to stop worrying about wether DP will be mad or not and focus on your babys health! you need to make him see the risks, what if you let the baby go there and something happened to them and you could have prevented it but you were too busy worrying about wether DP would get mad.

[blanklook]

Could DP be at a meeting with you the midwife and hear her views when you raised your concerns? Opinions coming from a 'medical' third party are not so personal as from one of the family.