To not want baby to visit DP's house unless it is clean?

[LittleLady202]

Hi ladies!

Newbie to MN and young newbie mum to be here! Since my due date is coming closer this same scenario has went through my head and I'd love some honest opinions from all you mums out there!

Let me start with a bit of background, when I first got together with DP he seemed almost reluctant to bring me over to his house. At first I thought it was me until he explained that his house was messy and that he was embarrassed. Now I was shocked at just how messy the house really was but put it aside and got on very well with his family. Now that I'm pregnant and DS is getting ready to come into the world and DP and I have gotten a place of our own recently DP's parents (particularly his mum) are already asking when DS can sleepover/come over.

DP's parents really are lovely people and I do get on with them and enjoy speaking to/spending time with them but IMO the house just wouldn't be suitable for a newborn. DP's parents, more so mum, are hoarders so the house is in chaos most times. Clothes and other objects overflow the bath tub, bathroom has all over the floor, sink, shower, mold in corners/in shower, dust gathering everywhere. Clothes, dirty dishes, dirt/dust over floor, random objects they have collected litter the living room. The kitchen has dirty dishes piling out of the sink and onto any available surface, bits of old food cover the floor/counters, empty bottles and cans all over floor, fridge needs a serious clear out from the smell, more random objects/papers everywhere. Upstairs and the stairs themselves are literally covered with clothes/boxes of clothes, carpet beetles found in nooks/under beds, I've had a nasty case of bed bugs from staying before. DP's mum works part time (5 hours a week) and has admitted she should be cleaning but she can't be bothered, DP's father tries but he works 50+ hours and is sometimes too worn out. I'm sorry it was so long and TMI, I just wanted to explain as best I could.

I've spoken to DP about this and told him my fears for DS to which he blows up and thinks I'm being a bitch because in his words "His parents have been nothing but nice to me and the house was good enough for me to stay in before we had our own place so why not DS." I honestly don't know what to do since I know his parents are nice people and mean well and I don't want to hurt DP since it's a touchy/uncomfortable subject for him but I worry about DS's health.

AIBU?

[blanklook]

Could DP be at a meeting with you the midwife and hear her views when you raised your concerns? Opinions coming from a 'medical' third party are not so personal as from one of the family.

[zazA09Jane]

you need to stop worrying about wether DP will be mad or not and focus on your babys health! you need to make him see the risks, what if you let the baby go there and something happened to them and you could have prevented it but you were too busy worrying about wether DP would get mad.

[Iggly]

The thing, he's probably feeling defensive. Have you never mentioned it since it first came up (until now?)

I would try and be objective about it - you don't need to bring baby into the equation to highlight the problem.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

I think Jenny70's approach of identifying work for "us" to do is a kind one.

On the basis your DP wouldn't accept what your GP said about bed bugs, I think you have more of a problem with him than you're admitting. Did you raise it with pil? What would happen if you said to them "I'm embarrassed to be bring this up now but when we visited in X, Y happened. I should have told you as soon as I'd seen the doctor, but I didn't want to offend you. Baby can't visit until it's sorted".

I certainly agree you need to make it clear you don't plan on any sleepovers for a long time.

[gimcrack]

Your DH needs to man up. Once the baby comes, it will be easier. For you, you'll have no qualms about sticking up for your baby. For your DH, once he's seen his pfb in the context of filth and bugs then he's likely to realise it is worth rocking the boat.

[Jenny70]

I think say upfront that you won't be comfortable leaving the baby to have a sleep over for at least 1 year - so take that right off the table. No need for reasons, just baby is too little and you wouldn't feel comfortable with it - it is YOUR baby, not theirs. They don't get a "turn" when they want one.

After baby comes, if you do visit with baby, he'll be fine for a time - in pram or arms or on your rug on the floor. Maybe make comments such as "DS will be rolling soon, we're going to need to clear the floor so he has space" and "he'll be crawling into the kitchen before we know it, you'll need to have cupboard locks put on". "That pile won't be safe once he starts cruising, he'd pull that over on himself". Hope that these prompt them to think of his safety.

If they ignore, then you'll have to be blunt. If it's not safe, it's your job to protect him... even if DH is in denial about it. You are his voice, and if they don't care enough to make it safe (no tins, precarious piles, sharps/poisons left around) then they don't get to have him there. Obviously there needs to be sense here, clothes in bathtub whilst not nice isn't going to endanger him during a 2 hour visit.

[StaircaseAtTheUniversity]

My PILs are exactly like this. It's early days with us as DD is only 5 weeks old but so far this has been how we've dealt with it:

• being clear that DD won't be staying anywhere without us for years. So that's off the table.
  
• being clear that DD will be babysat here by whoever babysits.
  
• minimal time at PILs. Maybe easier as they live a fair distance away but just saying as it's an hour by car and she's EBF PILs need to come here.
  
• protectively clothed at PILs. The big problem there is fleas so making sure all skin is covered apart from face/head (on us as well as DD) and then changing in the car when we leave.
  

You have my sympathy as we are having to go to ridiculous lengths but if we say anything it will cause a huge rift so for the moment we are just towing the line and doing what we can.

[RedSoloCup]

I would hate this if it is as bad as you say :(. My 3.5yo has literally just had her first night away from me so it's not necessarily normal to let your kids stay elsewhere.

[Eatriskier]

YANBU. Its ok for you to stay, you are an adult and can undertake your own risks and know how to negotiate physical objects. It doesn't matter how nice they are, if their house is unsafe its unsafe.

I've posted on here previously about my own DHs hoarding issues. Its been an ongoing battle, and I didn't realise how dangerous it got until it got close to dangerous (if not actually dangerous) for my DC. However it took blowing up on behalf of DC to get DH to realise how bad he had gotten.

Theoretical (even when I was pregnant with them) DC didn't make a difference. DH needed to know what the DC were like for pulling and climbing to realise I wasn't being mad. Now I am not saying you should let your DS be there, but I would say your DH may not realise how bad until he sees your DS in action once he's on the move and starts destroying your house.

[lessthanBeau]

I have relatives who live like this, her ds is the same age as my dd they are cousins so we have always done things together, when they were babies and crawling I made sure they mostly came to my house to visit, occaisionally I would go there, I am not too proud to have a cuppa there, the floor is grotty though so I hated it when they started crawling , once they were on their feet it didnt bother me so much my dd loves going there to visit and play and she hasn't come to any harm yet, no sleepovers though, and her son has asthma and continual chest infections, which I put down to the dust and clutter, I love my friends so I close my eyes to the mess, btw they are not dirty people and the ds is always spotlessly clean and so are his clothes.

[queenofthepirates]

I used to feel like this about my mum's house, it's full of clutter and hazards. Now I'm just glad for a break and I just cross my fingers my DD won't come to any harm. Actually DD LOVES the clutter because there's so much stuff to explore. I personally think it's a nightmare but hey hoo, I don't have to live there.

[Nanny0gg]

You never ever have to leave your child with them. If you ever need babysitters when your son is older they can do it at your house.

And if it ever comes right down to it, then you will have to tell them straight out. They can be hurt or disagree or whatever, but he's your baby and you get to say.

And in this case, if I were you, I'd fight my DH to the death over it.

[HansieLove]

What will you do when they give you things for the baby? Used things, I would think. Some old baby blankets they have unearthed, or a perfectly usable old stroller? Some stuffed toys they have boxed away? I would never let my baby in their home.

Can you say to them your house is dirty, unhygienic, and I am not coming over?

[LittleLady202]

Ps please excuse the typos, damn iPhone!

[LittleLady202]

Spotty, Pork Pie, thank you for the articles, I'll defiantly be giving them a go and speak with MW privately first to see what she thinks as well, I don't want to drag her into anything she wouldn't feel comfortable with. As for the bed bugs, I've thrown out any clothes I've ever had over in DP's house and used a bug bomb at out place just to make sure none of the little buggers (terrible pun ) travel!

scallop, the fear is more of causing a fight than being afraid of him, sorry if I worded that wrong! Honestly we've been together for years and he's never shown any signs of this behaviour. Only now that I'm pregnant with our first and have actually acknowledge the mess of the house for the first time in so many years. The bitch comment was out of order (and I don't let him forget it ! ) But I put that down to the angry/shock of me finally bringing it up after so long, though he defiantly could have handled it better! I'm hoping now that we've moved out that will cut the apron strings since him mum still loves to baby him and he's always been a mummy's boy I'm hoping this will give him the boot he needs!

[scallopsrgreat]

I don't think your biggest problem is the house although that is an issue. It's your DP. He called you a bitch? That would be crossing a boundary right there for me. But then he is deliberately lying to himself (and probably others) about the extent of the problem. And more importantly it isn't that he just doesn't agree with you over this, he is going up against you. There are rad flags everywhere. This type of problem will happen over and over again where he sides with his parents.

You are also frightened of his reaction. You've said several times how furious he'd be if he found out you'd talked to anyone. That is controlling behaviour right there. I am worried that this is just the tip of the iceberg. Maybe think about your relationship as a whole and what you are getting out of it and how he enriches your life. Because having a child will only bring more opportunities for conflict of opinions and if he treats you the same as this every time you butt heads over something it is going to be pretty miserable for you.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Yanbu!

Difficult to deal with your DH though, as it is such a sore spot for him.

[PorkPieandPickle]

You would know if they'd had their home treated for bedbugs, they would have had to clean and tidy it.

www.momlogic.com/2009/09/when_bedbugs_bite.php

Please do not underestimate how difficult an infestation is to deal with- particularly in a home like your in-laws.

[CheerfulYank]

I can be a bit messy but that is beyond the pale. YANBU.

[SpottyTits]

The big difference is that when you stayed you didn't have a brand new immune system. You don't even have to say your midwife warned you. Perhaps you stumbled upon an article like this one? and being an anxious new mother you needed to speak with her to allay your fears.

[specialsubject]

they can't look after themselves so there's no way they can look after a demanding baby. How do they wash BTW? That's not 'a bit messy' that is filthy.

bedbugs travel very easily; go there and you'll have them too.

they need help.

[LittleLady202]

Angel, everyone,thank you for the kind words! I'll try not let them bully me into it! Although DP's parents have already made their dislike of DP's cousin's parenting skills known since she didn't want her DS staying over without get because she felt she wasn't ready so I know how this topic will go down with them.

Pobble, I've being in two minds about talking to our MW plainly because DP will be furious that I've told someone else about his family and because of the rift the mention of the subject brings to our relationship I've been hesitant.

PorkPie, since the run in with the bed bugs I haven't stayed over, just visited and thankfully DP's parents take that as me being heavily pregnant and tired so they don't question it. DP refuses to believe they had bed bugs so that isn't an issue in his mind, even though my GP identified the bites and rash so I'm not sure if they've done anything to treat the rooms.

[PorkPieandPickle]

If they are actually hoarding to the level that you suggest, it's a really complex issue, and very difficult to broach with them, but ultimately, if they really do have a bed bug infestation then I would not be going to their house at all, and would actually be reluctant to let them into mine unless they treat it. Bed bugs don't just live in beds, they can get on your other soft furnishings and clothes and are very easily transported between households.

The thought of bedbugs in a newborns cot should surely be a direction of argument that will work with your DP?

Otherwise, I'm afraid you will have to put your foot down. You don't have to say its the house tho, you are perfectly entitled to say no, you don't want to leave your baby with anyone else yet, they don't need 'time alone' to bond with a baby.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

Well I doubt you'd want to leave your newborn with them for a while anyway, breast feeding is an even better excuse as you can't be away. Infact you don't need an excuse, it's your baby.

I would speak to your midwife for advice, untidiness is one thing but actual dirt, bed bugs, food everywhere is just unhygienic and I would stand your ground about it. If your DH cannot see how there is a big difference to you staying there and a baby, well you need to be firm or get the midwife to have a word.

[angeltattoo]

And your baby doesn't have to stay away from you until you're ready. That might be at 5 weeks, 5 months or 5 years. You don't have to justify it, and please don't be bullied into it. Stand up for what's best for your child - start practicing now