Is this verbal aggression?

[tisrainingagain]

Without setting the context of our relationship, I would like to ask whether I was overreacting (in my head) earlier today during a conversation with h.

We were having lunch and we were discussing some ex family friends we have who are "ex" friends after h did their extension and they subsequently all fell out . In my opinion my "ex friend's" husband was very condescending/dictatorial (towards my h), but my ex-friend herself was very demanding and can (I think) be emotionally blackmailing, a bit scary and quite hard work (the kind of person who is always talking about herself).

H was saying he did not know why I think about them still as he never does. Easy for him to say as he doesn't see them at many pick ups and drop offs which is awkward as we don't speak.

Anyway, setting aside all of this and what may be another side to the story, I was then telling h that my ex friend had done some helping at our school and my other friend (who is part of the PTA) had said that she (ex friend) had sent so many demanding emails that she (current friend) had started to wish that she (ex friend) wasn't helping as it seemed more trouble than it was worth.

At this point h made a comment along the lines of "life at amoeba level". I then said that my (current) friend was anything other than an amoeba. H then rounded on me and shouted at me twice that I am a liar (eyeballing me) and asked me if he had said that this friend was an amoeba? It's the way he did it so aggressively "You're a liar! You're a liar!". I then had to justify myself and say that I didn't like his referring to the school life as "amoeba life".

I then went inside upset.

It probably wasn't a good idea to gossip about anyone which was my mistake but it was the unexpected and aggressive way in which he rounded on me and called me a liar which really took me aback.

It is possible that I misinterpreted what he was saying but could he not have expressed himself differently?

[tisrainingagain]

Oops sorry posted twice.

[DoJo]

If he is under pressure, then he should be finding respite in his family and his relationship with you, not taking it out on you and certainly not bringing it all home to share. It doesn't sound like he even cares that he is upsetting you - if I had made a throwaway comment that my husband had misinterpreted then I would be falling over myself to make sure he didn't think I was being mean to him, not shouting at him and making him feel bad for getting the wrong end of the stick.

If none of you are happy (because, much as he sounds like a dick, it doesn't sound like he is particularly happy either) then it sounds like you are the one who needs to make the change happen. It might not come to divorce, it might mean that you have to make a new start, but it sounds like you need to do something.

[MrsWedgeAntilles]

OP, I have a pretty rubbishy relationship history and I found counselling to be really, really helpful, both to lay the ghosts of the past to rest and to work on the present.
DH and I had a shit time late last year and I feel it helped me to think clearly and make good decisions. We went individually to begin with and when we got to the point where we could talk to each other again and felt the relationship might be worth saving we started to go together.
I say this with the caveat that if you are at all in fear of him or there is the tiniest hint that he is abusive don't go with him. To get the best out of it you need to lay yourself bare and you don't want to be doing that with someone who may use that against you in the future.

You absolutely do have it in you to do what's best for you, its amazing what we can do just because we have to.

[tisrainingagain]

Hi dojo and others

it sounds like you need to do something - I agree but not sure what this is. At the very least I want to do a massive declutter and find work for when the kids go back to school in September, but I cannot convey to what an extent I constantly obsess about the state of things (and the sheer loneliness of it) between h and I and how much I am kind of incapacitated by it. Or maybe I am using this as an excluse ?

Yes I don't think h cares how I feel. It's not even that, I think he has very little idea or if he does he blames me for it.

MrsWedge I am full of admiration that your husband and you went to counselling separately. I think that would be ideal for h and I but he would never agree to this (much as I think he needs it ). I can't remember if I mentioned it upthread but we did go to counselling together for a bit 2 years ago. H stopped coming after 5 or 6 sessions. I also went by myself for 2 years and stopped going last summer.

Thanks for your encouragement. My issues is that I just don't know what is best . Am wishing someone would just tell me .

[HappySeaTurtles]

No excuse for him to burst out randomly like that. Sounds like he has emotional problems that need to be addressed. That's not normal, or acceptable behavior.

[BlackDaisies]

I can't see that his comment meant anything other than how you interpreted it. It was a nasty little comment, completely disparaging about you and your friend/ ex friend, and your shared interest in school.

I think you should organise a free half hour with a solicitor, to see what your options are if you separate. Once you're out of a situation like that, it's such a relief. But believing you can leave and doing it is the hardest part.

[sykadelic]

I actually don't think he was calling your friend a parasite, I think (based on what you wrote) that he was making a remark about you and what you were talking about.

He doesn't sound like he likes you at all, let alone loves you.

I would be making plans to move on.

[DoJo]

I think a big de-clutter could be a good start - divest yourself of the trappings of your current life and engage in some fairly mindless tasks which will allow you to think about what you really want. You don't have to make any snap decisions, but if you imagine what your perfect life would be like, then you might get some inspiration for what you want to do next.

Do you have qualifications or experience in a particular field? Have you always had a hankering to do something? Do you just want a job which fits around your existing commitments and earns you enough to be independent?

In terms of your husband - do you want to confront him and see if you can work things out, or at least find out together whether your relationship has anything worth salvaging? Or would you rather get things together and just make an announcement to him and leave him to deal with it however he chooses? The former could reveal some home truths between you, the latter could be hard work, but both have their advantages, so you can decide how you want to handle things.

You are in control here, is the important thing. He may feel as though he is and you may feel as though he is, but the reality is that you are the one who wants a change, you are the one who is motivated to make things happen and you are the one who has realised that things need to change, so you can decide how and when you make it happen. You can do it, all you have to do is decide what 'it' is...

[tisrainingagain]

Thank you for your kind message and your encouragement dojo. Will get back to you when I have made some changes .

[tisrainingagain]

Thank you for your kind message and your encouragement dojo. Will get back to you when I have made some changes .