To think kids don't affect your life to the extent that you can't leave the house ever.

[McBear]

So yesterday was my birthday outing. to a pub to drink but outing sounds civilised I told my friend months in advance. She promised she'd get someone to look after her two DC and her and her partner would come out with me and DDs DF who are still good friends.

When it came to a week before she said, I'll see if I can get the money. The day before, they have no money. On the day she asks me what I'm doing and says she can't leave the house as she has DC.

She says she simply cannot leave the house and look after 2 DC. This is always her excuse. I tell her I'll look after one/both and she says no. Then, she won't let her partner socialise because she 'cant'.

I don't think kids are a reason to not go out. She won't go to the park with them. She won't Do anything.

Her eldest (2.75) says two words. No and door. Because she always says no and shouts door when someone knocks because she's too lazy to get up.

Kids are stressful yes but not to the point where you are housebound???

She does like me, it's honestly not an excuse to get out of seeing me. I hate to say it but I feel sorry for their children.

[McBear]

Dia, I love her. At times, she's fantastic.

She's incredibly selfish and falls out with people all the time but with me she's always been great. I normally bend my plans and just go and sit in her house/garden and have a good time but when people expect me to make a big effort for them and never return the favour, I wonder why I should.

Her partner text me apologising but then said if he'd known it was global gathering this weekend he would have sorted something.

A) I wouldn't want to go
B) there's no way she would go/let him go
C) if they could manage global they could manage the local pub.

I paid for a holiday for all of us in may. They promised they'd return the favour this summer... Yet to hear anything.

[McBear]

Worra I'm harsh ATM as I'm bitter about my birthday outing. It will subside.

She only didn't want to spend her birthday in. Normally that's what we do. I can't remember what we did do in the end but she makes it clear she wants to see me.

[WorraLiberty]

Does she know you feel sorry for her children?

I can understand that if she got wind of that, she would probably be really angry.

[DesperatelySeekingSedatives]

I do understand what youre saying OP but if as others said if she don't want to go out or even, she feels she cant go out she's very possibly got issues of her own she needs to deal with. is her partner and other family supportive to her? I think she needs patience and understanding rather than people getting pissed off with her as that will make her retreat even more.

[ilovechristmas1]

well you know your friend better than us,and if you feel there are NO medical reasons then i would seriously think of giving the couple a wide berth

some people expect others to sort their lives for them and show no signs of helping themselves,by some of your comments it seems she is de motivated,only she can make an improvement on her situation and sounds like she is using the children as an excuse

i think you are going to have to make a decision over your friendship if you feel there are no medical concerns with your friend

[CharlieBrookerScowl]

It's hard because depression can come across as a person seeming very selfish and lazy, being fine going out but not wanting to meet with people you know much/avoiding it (because it involves pretending you're 'fine' etc and feels like emotionally-harder work than walking to town where it's all strangers and no one gives a toss) and then all the other things do make it sound like it might be PND or something else.

I hate how selfish I end up if I'm 'ill' and spent a few years like it before I accepted help. DS's speech wasnt that bad but was slow because I found it hard to bond with him or even play with him if others weren't around. I was too ashamed to ask for help though. And probably seemed lazy!

Actually took a breakdown and a short spell in hospital for me in the end (literally just for depression/anxiety but where it was so bad I couldn't cope at all).

Tricky one. Sorry about your birthday though

[McBear]

No of course she doesn't know and again, that's just bitterness. I try to support her in her parenting. She's doing it her way and that's none of my business.

She does refuse to help herself with full expectation that someone else will. You've hit that one on the heAd.

[CharlieBrookerScowl]

The fact her DP seems equally a bit crap may be the deciding factor though.

He's clearly a bit embarassed of her behaviour though (hence the text).

If someone won't accept help/the issue in itself then there's not much that can be done anyway unfortunately.

[McBear]

Oh and her family are quite far away tho she can get a lift from her partner at any point.

His family are difficult but do help them a hell of a lot. Her partners very supportive but she refuses to acknowledge it. She tells the kids daddy doesn't love you because he doesn't help mummy but he works dull time. She never goes without anything and he does all the cleaning, baths the kids every night and feeds her be that cooking or takeaway. He's really good actually.

[McBear]

He is crap in some ways too tho but then we all are

[ilovechristmas1]

she sounds like a spoilt child then op and seems to have no respect for her DH,the world she will find does not revolve round her

if this is normal behaviour from her i would not have her as a friend

if this is NOT normal behaviour from her then reasons should be looked into

[CharlieBrookerScowl]

She's come out with a few very odd things (from what you've posted).

That's the only thing that's suggestive of depression or anything like that.

But whatever the issue is, she doesn't sound like she wants to change or accept it's an issue. Have you ever brought it up (carefully) before? Might be worth it. If you get a shitty response then maybe just drop her but if she needs help she doesn't sound like the type to go after it without a nudge.

[McBear]

I only started to know her 6 months before she got pregnant so almost 5 years now I think (?) she has always been like this. We bonded as we took our pregnancy tests on the same day and our partners both rang the other one as they were a little bit terrified. Her DP stepped up to the mark straight away. He was great. She was terrible when she was pregnant. It was her excuse to get her own way.

She has a wonderful side tho. I don't want to give up on her. She literally always gets her way. I don't think she will learn the world doesn't resolve around her.

[CharlieBrookerScowl]

That sounds like a different kettle of fish then really.

But it does sound like she underestimated how hard 2 under 5 might be! doesn't everybody

[McBear]

Last time I saw her, in the same breath she talked about thinking of having a third and how much she hates having kids.

I am under no illusions of how hard two under five will be but I'm almost certain I also under estimate it.

[mommy2ash]

why are you friends with this woman? you claim you love her but you really don't seem to like her very much. I would be beyond hurt if I read a thread like this about myself.

either she is having problems and you should be supportive or she doesn't like you either or she is just a lazy cow in which case it's up to you if you want to be friends with someone like that.

[GodDamnBatman]

We take baby DD out with us all the time. But we also only have one, so it's not hard for one of us to hold her if she gets fussy while the other eats and then swap. We also get finger foods like chicken strips to make it easier to eat and hold her.

[GodDamnBatman]

She was terrible when she was pregnant. It was her excuse to get her own way.

To be fair, I think the pregnancy card is sorta fair game to get your way as long as you aren't being too unreasonable. I used it as an excuse to pick out dinner, get ridiculous groceries, pick the restaurant, get out of chores. I think giving your partner a some slack and doing a little extra when they're pregnant is a fair trade for carrying your child for 9 months. Pregnancy sucks, there needs to at least be some perks to ease the process.

(and to the liars superwomen that never complained and did everything, you'd take a day off if you could, admit it)

But as for your friend... She does seem like she needs some help. FIL was always helpless. We were tired of stepping up for him, so we didn't. He magically found a way, and he's fully disabled. People will get away with what you allow them to.

[NickiFury]

YABU. I have two dc with ASD and I cannot leave them. They can be left with their grandparents, but their grandparents now live in the Middle East. I am a lone parent.

I gave no social life and no one asks me to go out anymore. They probably feel as resentful towards me as you sound towards your friend.

[McBear]

If she was in your situation nicki, then yes I'd be unreasonable but she isn't. Her kids do not have any disorders, they are happy and healthy kids who are averagely stressful and has people bending over backwards to help her.

I've already said I'm being harsh on her as I'm pissed off at her and have had enough of bending to her whim.

[ArsenicFaceCream]

Nicki

[KoalaDownUnder]

I think I understand where you're coming from, OP.

I have a friend like this. It's very hard, because I've known her for many, many years and could not contemplate ending the friendship over it. But she clearly has issues with leaving the house since she's had her (only) child, now 2. She constantly makes excuses, cancels at the last minute, and lets people down. It comes across as being very selfish and lazy, and unfortunately, she does have pre-kids form for both those things.

Her reluctance to make a plan and stick to it has led to a lot of irritation and resentment amongst her friends. As far as we know, there is no PND or other issues at play, but who really knows.

It can be very hard to maintain a friendship when someone you care for dearly treats you as if they have no respect for your feelings or friendship. You just have to take a deep breath and tell yourself it's not personal.

[Appletini]

"It can be very hard to maintain a friendship when someone you care for dearly treats you as if they have no respect for your feelings or friendship. You just have to take a deep breath and tell yourself it's not personal."

Which is exactly how the OP is treating the friend.

You do not actually know what someone's life is like until you have lived it.

[toomuchtooold]

Maybe she's just making an excuse. You give the impression that you don't like her much - perhaps she feels the same about you.

[shockinglybadteacher]

I don't think OP sounds like she doesn't like her much, I think she sounds frustrated. That was a special event for her and she wanted her pal to be there. Pal made up a list of excuses which sound suspiciously like excuses she's used in the past to get out of everything and anything on any pretext whatsoever, from buying nappies to going out for a drink.

I expect she feels a bit like she's doing all the running and is starting to wonder if the effort is worth it.