To think kids don't affect your life to the extent that you can't leave the house ever.

[McBear]

So yesterday was my birthday outing. to a pub to drink but outing sounds civilised I told my friend months in advance. She promised she'd get someone to look after her two DC and her and her partner would come out with me and DDs DF who are still good friends.

When it came to a week before she said, I'll see if I can get the money. The day before, they have no money. On the day she asks me what I'm doing and says she can't leave the house as she has DC.

She says she simply cannot leave the house and look after 2 DC. This is always her excuse. I tell her I'll look after one/both and she says no. Then, she won't let her partner socialise because she 'cant'.

I don't think kids are a reason to not go out. She won't go to the park with them. She won't Do anything.

Her eldest (2.75) says two words. No and door. Because she always says no and shouts door when someone knocks because she's too lazy to get up.

Kids are stressful yes but not to the point where you are housebound???

She does like me, it's honestly not an excuse to get out of seeing me. I hate to say it but I feel sorry for their children.

[McBear]

She has put a good amount of weight on during her first pregnancy. She's still not very big tho as she was very small to start off with. She doesn't seem that bothered. She was but doesn't mention it now.

She put a status on the dreaded Facebook last night saying she was depressed and it's just not easy.

I need to get over myself and text her don't i? It's just infuriating as she won't accept any help.

[KoalaDownUnder]

ViviPru, you make a good point. I have had similar suspicions about my close friend who flakes on social engagements all the time. Unfortunately, I can't think of a way to bring this up with her tactfully.

[ViviPru]

Does she have self-esteem issues connected to her appearance? Someone I'm close to exhibits some of the behaviours you describe, she avoids going out because she is so uncomfortable and self-conscious about her weight. She makes excuses though and pretends this is not the case.

[McBear]

Yes! I'm hoping she stops before they're old enough to understand.

I've told her it's a really nasty thing to say. Her response is simply that he should help more then.

Generally she's lovely. She has a mean streak.

I've not heard from her. I'm trying to decide whether to leave it til she texts me or to compose a heart felt 'let me help you' or 'do you need help' message.

[OnIlkelyMoorBahtat]

She tells the kids their dad doesn't love them because he doesn't help their mum? Nice.

[McBear]

Yes as I've said we have very similar age kids. By chance we both did a test on the same day and found out we were pregnant. Her eldest is born in the same month as mine.

[DikTrom]

You seem to judge your friend a lot. Do you have children yourself by any chance?

[Happy36]

As others have said already this sounds like depression.

Suggest gently to your friend that she speak to her GP.

If there is Home Start in your area one of their helpers could perhaps support your friend?

I hope you can help her get out of this rut and enjoy a more active life with her family. Good luck.

[McBear]

No she doesn't qualify. She's doesn't want to take him to nursery yet. Says he's too young. She was talking about it but as she was taking her sister in laws kids to school it wasn't logistically possible. Now she's stopped doing that but there's no further mention. I think she needs the break. I always offer to look after her kids while she goes for a meal etc but she says no.

All SAHMs need a break as they'd be driven crazy. She gets them looked after overnight about once a month but I don't think it helps.

I've been trying for over two years to help her. I am at a loss

[Gileswithachainsaw]

No wonder the kids boisterous if he doesn't actually get out to run off his energy.

All she has to do is shove them
In a double buggy and go. What's going to happen when he goes to nursery?

Does she qualify for the free hours for 2 yr olds?

I really don't see how between the two of you you can't manage a two tr old a a a baby. Baby will sit on lap or sleep and just pick a pub with a play area.

Either she's depressed or she's just lazy and can't be bothered to parent so let's them run riot at home.

You know her best, what's likely?

[KoalaDownUnder]

Having been on the receiving end of such treatment, shockinglybadteacher, I tend to agree. It gets very old.

You can like the person and dislike the behaviour.

[shockinglybadteacher]

I don't think OP sounds like she doesn't like her much, I think she sounds frustrated. That was a special event for her and she wanted her pal to be there. Pal made up a list of excuses which sound suspiciously like excuses she's used in the past to get out of everything and anything on any pretext whatsoever, from buying nappies to going out for a drink.

I expect she feels a bit like she's doing all the running and is starting to wonder if the effort is worth it.

[toomuchtooold]

Maybe she's just making an excuse. You give the impression that you don't like her much - perhaps she feels the same about you.

[Appletini]

"It can be very hard to maintain a friendship when someone you care for dearly treats you as if they have no respect for your feelings or friendship. You just have to take a deep breath and tell yourself it's not personal."

Which is exactly how the OP is treating the friend.

You do not actually know what someone's life is like until you have lived it.

[KoalaDownUnder]

I think I understand where you're coming from, OP.

I have a friend like this. It's very hard, because I've known her for many, many years and could not contemplate ending the friendship over it. But she clearly has issues with leaving the house since she's had her (only) child, now 2. She constantly makes excuses, cancels at the last minute, and lets people down. It comes across as being very selfish and lazy, and unfortunately, she does have pre-kids form for both those things.

Her reluctance to make a plan and stick to it has led to a lot of irritation and resentment amongst her friends. As far as we know, there is no PND or other issues at play, but who really knows.

It can be very hard to maintain a friendship when someone you care for dearly treats you as if they have no respect for your feelings or friendship. You just have to take a deep breath and tell yourself it's not personal.

[ArsenicFaceCream]

Nicki

[McBear]

If she was in your situation nicki, then yes I'd be unreasonable but she isn't. Her kids do not have any disorders, they are happy and healthy kids who are averagely stressful and has people bending over backwards to help her.

I've already said I'm being harsh on her as I'm pissed off at her and have had enough of bending to her whim.

[NickiFury]

YABU. I have two dc with ASD and I cannot leave them. They can be left with their grandparents, but their grandparents now live in the Middle East. I am a lone parent.

I gave no social life and no one asks me to go out anymore. They probably feel as resentful towards me as you sound towards your friend.

[GodDamnBatman]

She was terrible when she was pregnant. It was her excuse to get her own way.

To be fair, I think the pregnancy card is sorta fair game to get your way as long as you aren't being too unreasonable. I used it as an excuse to pick out dinner, get ridiculous groceries, pick the restaurant, get out of chores. I think giving your partner a some slack and doing a little extra when they're pregnant is a fair trade for carrying your child for 9 months. Pregnancy sucks, there needs to at least be some perks to ease the process.

(and to the liars superwomen that never complained and did everything, you'd take a day off if you could, admit it)

But as for your friend... She does seem like she needs some help. FIL was always helpless. We were tired of stepping up for him, so we didn't. He magically found a way, and he's fully disabled. People will get away with what you allow them to.

[GodDamnBatman]

We take baby DD out with us all the time. But we also only have one, so it's not hard for one of us to hold her if she gets fussy while the other eats and then swap. We also get finger foods like chicken strips to make it easier to eat and hold her.

[mommy2ash]

why are you friends with this woman? you claim you love her but you really don't seem to like her very much. I would be beyond hurt if I read a thread like this about myself.

either she is having problems and you should be supportive or she doesn't like you either or she is just a lazy cow in which case it's up to you if you want to be friends with someone like that.

[McBear]

Last time I saw her, in the same breath she talked about thinking of having a third and how much she hates having kids.

I am under no illusions of how hard two under five will be but I'm almost certain I also under estimate it.

[CharlieBrookerScowl]

That sounds like a different kettle of fish then really.

But it does sound like she underestimated how hard 2 under 5 might be! doesn't everybody

[McBear]

I only started to know her 6 months before she got pregnant so almost 5 years now I think (?) she has always been like this. We bonded as we took our pregnancy tests on the same day and our partners both rang the other one as they were a little bit terrified. Her DP stepped up to the mark straight away. He was great. She was terrible when she was pregnant. It was her excuse to get her own way.

She has a wonderful side tho. I don't want to give up on her. She literally always gets her way. I don't think she will learn the world doesn't resolve around her.

[CharlieBrookerScowl]

She's come out with a few very odd things (from what you've posted).

That's the only thing that's suggestive of depression or anything like that.

But whatever the issue is, she doesn't sound like she wants to change or accept it's an issue. Have you ever brought it up (carefully) before? Might be worth it. If you get a shitty response then maybe just drop her but if she needs help she doesn't sound like the type to go after it without a nudge.