big dramatic title, perhaps less dramatic content (although not for me)
After a year or so of assessments, yesterday our lovely 3 yo DS was officially diagnosed with autism. My head is reeling. I knew that he was different to his peers from a very young age, but after years of reassuring comments like "boys will be boys" etc I honestly thought that I was overreacting/overthinking it all and that he wouldn't be diagnosed with autism.
Yesterday I was told that he will always be autistic, and that it would become more obvious and problematic when he starts school. I do wish the consultant had been a bit 'softer' in her approach, and that I had asked DH to come along with DS and I for support, but in a way I suppose it was a relief to put an end to the 'is he isn't he' debate that played in on a constant loop in my head.
DS is kind, happy, confident - perhaps overly so, which is the main cause for concern. He struggles with the social side of things, he gets overly excited and over confident, which I think causes other children at pre school etc to move away from him, I think he can be seen as an annoyance - loud and bouncy. We are new to the area and consequently I dont have a network of friends with children to conjure up throughout the holidays. He has no real friends, although is desperate for some. He asks about birthday parties, best friends etc, things he hears about but hasn't really been able to participate in. Thinking like this breaks my heart.
With 6 weeks ahead of us, I decided to take him and DS2 to the park today for him to let off steam. He approached a group of older children and straight away joined in their game of standing on the roundabout, whooping with happiness, constantly chatting and babbling and repeating certain phrases they were using (he does this a lot). They looked at him like he was mad, laughed at him, told him to stand on the roundabout and took it on turns to try and knock him off it (by pushing the roundabout faster and faster - before I had to intervene). They tired of the game and then just kept running away from him. He asked me where his new friends had gone. I am not a crier, I am rarely emotional. However, I sat at the side of the park watching it all and sobbing, entire body heaving sobs.
I think I need time to let the news sink in. There are many things to be grateful for, including the fact that DS is unaffected by many of the traits that can go with ASD. But at the moment I just dont feel like I can cope with the constant feeling of sadness for him. I would do anything for him, but I cant get him a friend can i? Or protect him from situations like today, which will happen so many times in his childhood. I have been keeping a brave face as best I can, but husband is away tonight and I am lying in bed feeling dreadful.
AIBU?
to think our lovely family wont ever be the same now
tigerpug · 24/07/2014 23:34
Sorry I havn't read the whole thread, I'm sure lots of people have given great advice. There will be many times you shed tears as your ds grows up, not all will be sad tears, there are many times I shed happy tears. Both my dd's are on the spectrum. When dd2 was 3 her local paediatrician told us that dd2 would probably never talk, would not read or write and would not cope in main stream school. My whole world caved in but I could not give up on Dd2, I could see things that others couldn't ( probably because I wasn't judging her on a half an hour appointment in a strange room with strange people ). Anyway, after lots of therapy, a great OT and speech therapist and lots of hard work, dd2 is now almost 9 years old, in mainstream school, verbal ( when she wants to be ) and working at a average or above level for her age group, she can read, write and is great at maths. She has a few friends but prefers her own company, most importantly she is very happy. We don't know what the future holds but so far she is doing great and makes me proud every day.
My other dd has Aspergers, she has lots of friends ( most of them are similar to her and most are boys ), she does suffer with anxiety but we deal with this the best we can. I love my quirky family 
.
Just to say I have recently been through the same thing - my DS is 20 months old.
The whole thing was a huge shock to me. I had great plans for my DS 
- he was going to go to Oxford, row for Great Britain and have zillions of friends 
. Autism was definitely not in my plans and it knocked me for six.
I didn't cope at all well for a couple of months - I was in tears most of the day, every day, and struggled to get out of bed in the mornings. In the end I had to go on anti-depressants (which really helped me). The family I had always thought I would have just disappeared and it was forever and it's not an exaggeration to say I truly believed I could never be happy again.
A few months on and I am so much happier - DS makes progress every day and is always making us laugh. We have great fun together. I love him absolutely fiercely. I remember speaking to someone at the Autism Society who had an ASD son, and she said that you love them more, because you have to, which struck a cord with me. You will be your son's greatest champion and you will find the strength you need, but go easy on yourself because it takes time.
A couple of things I would recommend:
- Read George and Sam by Charlotte Moore - it really helped me.
- Look into ABA. You can do it yourself if you can't afford private tutors.
- If you are really struggling, go and see your doctor about going on anti-depressants for a short while, just until the news has sunk in and you feel ready to deal with things.
Your son sounds lovely. It's really wonderful that he is sociable and wants to make friends - that social interest is a great thing that many autistic children lack to some degree or another, so you are lucky.
And try not to worry about him with other children. All children, autistic or not, get bullied or left out or picked on to some extent or another at some time in their life and your son WILL have friends and be happy. But most of all he has a lovely mother who will always be there for him and have fun with him.
You'll be OK - trust me! Feel free to PM me at any time if you want to chat.
I went to holland and fell in love, I didn't realise Holland wasn't the cool place to go,
my ds1 is currently going through the testing he is 9, we didn't pick up on a problem until the school pointed it out, at home my Ds is just a mini me of his Dad... dh has been reading up... You can imagine! and concluded he is too... No shit Sherlock!
I had a cry when I realised he could be ASD, dh said but he is still him, he isn't going to change, whether or not he gets the diagnosis!
I have a cousin who is higher on the spectrum than my son (I truly believe whether we get a diagnoses or not dt1 is) but I see a life for him, he is bright, loving, funny and honest, like my boy.
I actually find my boy easier than dt2 and I have found out that inadvertently due to my dyslexic coping mechanism I have made a life perfect for him, I am quite spontaneous but have short term memory problems, so I repeat, repeat in the morning what we HAVE to do that day, and timings, he reminds me if I forget anything
I never promise things unless I can and always with a cavet, so for instance we will go to lego land tomorrow unless it's raining hard and nothing else happens which is more important 99.9% of the time we get to do the thing when we can't he is prepared.
This is because my mum used to promise a lot and it didn't materialise, one day when I was 5 or 6 she said I am sick of promising and letting you down really don't mean to, can I say maybe? which probably means no but we will aim for it, that worked, I was never disappointed after that I knew mum was trying hard.
(Pop lived with us and was terminally ill, not that she was flaky)
So that's me and I have to say I like Holland it works, it's not Italy which quite frankly can produce some horrible things like fascism
No, I will happily take holland.
On those boy btw it wasn't your sons diagnosis, most older children respect little children and look after them, these where ill behaved.
"Funny,honest and incredibly affectionate"
Carlywurly - sounds like my son! God he cracks us up every day.... The things he says and the way he says them. He's got a brilliant sense of humour and if something tickles him he can laugh about it for days but he's also very dry.
He's painfully honest :)
And has always been so affectionate. Needs several hugs a day, loves his family and tells us so, frequently :)
At four he really wasn't saying much at all and when he did speak it was often gobbledygook, or he'd say the right word but stress the wrong syllables. His SALT told me cautiously that one day, "potentially" he might be able to hold a conversation..... :(
Well he's 12 now, in the top sets for most of his subjects in his mainstream school, can bake better than I can, is popular with his peers and has absolutely no problem conversing. In fact by the time he was in year 1 in primary - having had very limited verbal skills at 4 - his teacher was raving about his large vocabulary and how able he was academically.
God I could rave about him all day. Sorry 
The point is OP - your DS is wonderful, will always be wonderful and I guarantee he WILL have friends! Learning to make friends is just one skill he'll have to work at but he will get there. It's brilliant that he clearly values and recognises friendship; at three my DS would have been deeply uninterested in the other children or the play equipment. He'd have been obsessively spinning a pebble, or opening and shutting the gate, whilst humming tunelessly 
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
tigerpug I understand the concern about whether or not to be open about the diagnosis. You have to do what you feel is best for your boy and you.
My DD got dx a couple of months before her fourth birthday. I was gutted, but I was also glad that the horrible limbo period of uncertainty was over. My DD is now 5 and has just finished YR equivalent in mainstream school. When she got dx, DH and I told our families and close friends. We live in a small town, so undoubtedly, news would have been passed on! I have tried to be open about DD's'dx in a natural way since she started school with the mums I didn't know beforehand. I haven't experienced any negative reactions so far; DD takes part in all aspects of school life, has been invited to the birthday parties etc.
I think "autism" must count as one of the most terror-striking words in the English language. Everyone has a different experience of it. I didn't know what it signified for my family and me until I lived it.
Another aspect- when DD got dx, I spent much time trying to work out how to fix it. As a parent/carer, you will read many recommendations about interventions. I really worried that DD didn't have a full-time ABA home programme, special diet etc, and that I was letting DD down by just tryting to muddle through myself. It has worked out ok for us though. Personally, it was important for me to think about the needs of all my family. I have an older DS (NT) who deserves as much of me as DD does.
Anyway, just wanted to say that actually living with this diagnosis isn't anywhere as bad as I had feared it would be . With my objective head on, I can see that DD is different than her class-mates, in some ways. But DD is a wee pet; she makes us laugh everyday and she is truely a joy. Every parent has a different experience, but what I understand now is that my child doesn't need to be the same as everyone else. She is just herself; happy, loving, sociable, smart, affectionate - and autistic!
tigerpug your DS sounds lovely, and all the best to your family and you
[Thanks] to all mums/dads/carers with childrens that are different.
My son was dx at 6 and half. Now 10
Life wasn't the same again - how can it be? However, it's a million times the place it would have been without the understanding we now have.
He struggles with friends or more than the parents of his friends struggle 
as he has some challenging behaviours arising from an anxiety disorder (new, recent dx) and he has low (they say perhaps none at all) emotional literacy. He worries that if he is different then people will make fun of him but the sheer fact is that his obvious 'normal act' makes him different - There are days it's really hard
But then I think back to not knowing - the despair and guilt. How unhappy my son was He is much happier these days and learning that having ASD is 'ok'... We have an amazing network of friends now and it's ok.
The grief is normal and it will come back but each time you will recognise it, go with it and come out a bit stronger.
I remember reeling with shock when DS was diagnosed. Every now and again it still hits me, especially when I'm around my friends' "normal" kids. I worry that he'll never have friends or that he'll do something crazy to get them.
But then I think of his kindness and how so much that is lovely and unique about him stems from his so called disability and I really wouldn't change things for the world.
Your boy is lucky to have such a caring mum and don't forget, when you have a diagnosis things become so much easier because you know what you're dealing with. There is so much help out there these days. Make sure you use it. 
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