big dramatic title, perhaps less dramatic content (although not for me)
After a year or so of assessments, yesterday our lovely 3 yo DS was officially diagnosed with autism. My head is reeling. I knew that he was different to his peers from a very young age, but after years of reassuring comments like "boys will be boys" etc I honestly thought that I was overreacting/overthinking it all and that he wouldn't be diagnosed with autism.
Yesterday I was told that he will always be autistic, and that it would become more obvious and problematic when he starts school. I do wish the consultant had been a bit 'softer' in her approach, and that I had asked DH to come along with DS and I for support, but in a way I suppose it was a relief to put an end to the 'is he isn't he' debate that played in on a constant loop in my head.
DS is kind, happy, confident - perhaps overly so, which is the main cause for concern. He struggles with the social side of things, he gets overly excited and over confident, which I think causes other children at pre school etc to move away from him, I think he can be seen as an annoyance - loud and bouncy. We are new to the area and consequently I dont have a network of friends with children to conjure up throughout the holidays. He has no real friends, although is desperate for some. He asks about birthday parties, best friends etc, things he hears about but hasn't really been able to participate in. Thinking like this breaks my heart.
With 6 weeks ahead of us, I decided to take him and DS2 to the park today for him to let off steam. He approached a group of older children and straight away joined in their game of standing on the roundabout, whooping with happiness, constantly chatting and babbling and repeating certain phrases they were using (he does this a lot). They looked at him like he was mad, laughed at him, told him to stand on the roundabout and took it on turns to try and knock him off it (by pushing the roundabout faster and faster - before I had to intervene). They tired of the game and then just kept running away from him. He asked me where his new friends had gone. I am not a crier, I am rarely emotional. However, I sat at the side of the park watching it all and sobbing, entire body heaving sobs.
I think I need time to let the news sink in. There are many things to be grateful for, including the fact that DS is unaffected by many of the traits that can go with ASD. But at the moment I just dont feel like I can cope with the constant feeling of sadness for him. I would do anything for him, but I cant get him a friend can i? Or protect him from situations like today, which will happen so many times in his childhood. I have been keeping a brave face as best I can, but husband is away tonight and I am lying in bed feeling dreadful.
AIBU?
to think our lovely family wont ever be the same now
tigerpug · 24/07/2014 23:34
Two of my children have chosen friends who have aspergers. Both are lovely, lovely children. I have explained to my children that their brains work in a different way sometimes, but that they should understand that and they fully 'get' when their friends don't behave as they expect them to.
for your and your gorgeous boy! One of the sweetest, loveliest boys in my DS's (mainstream) school is autistic. He manages beautifully and has lots of friends. He actually manages a lot better than loads of them without special needs. My DS is not autistic, but is dyspraxic which makes him vulnerable to bullying, so I do empathise with the sobbing on your child's behalf. Be gentle with yourself, and cherish your little boy who sounds just lovely.
Btw 3 is still quite small for bfs and parties etc. I wouldn't worry too much about that just yet xxx
Hi op.
Number 1. I'd not look at the park situation like you are doing. I'd look at it like this, you have raised a lovely happy friendly little boy and those boys mums have raised bullies. Be proud of your boy.
Second, whoever told you it WILL get worse was talking out of their arse. They can struggle at school because of the business and noise, some thrive off the routine. My DS could never go to a park and play with other children, even now at 8, so your son has every chance of loving school, and if he struggles, there's plenty of ways school can help.
Your son hasn't changed. He just has a label, one that means so many different things for different children. He's got a loving mum, he'll be fine 
Also, things like this should never happen to your child, no matter what his diagnosis.
They've happened to mine 
once in a skate park a little boy was screaming in his face constantly because he's weird. Little boys dad stood right there. I told the little boys dad to stop him, he ignored me. I told the boy to stop, he ignored me. Eventually DS turned around and punched him in the face 
Obviously I had to tell DS not to hit? I don't ever want him to think that's ok.but I didn't want to let the boys dad think it was all DSs fault so I said "we don't punch bullies DS" and took him to TO.
The rest of the lads at the skate park immediately came right over to me and DS to check that DS was ok after that boy was bullying DS. The boys dad looked confused, then embarrassed, then they left.
Most kids aren't bullies. Most kids are lovely, like the rest of the lads there who were shocked at the boys bullying behaviour. Some kids have parents that don't know how to teach them right from wrong. It's not your sons fault.
He'll make amazing friends at school. His differences will be explained sensibly (if you want them to be) and you'll find 80-90% of children accepting and lovely
I'm open and honest about it.DS doesn't know I don't think but he's not really that aware.
Most people are wonderful, they ask questions and they talk to their children. Some people aren't nice but they're the minority and I just feel sorry for those people because they have ignorance and ignorance is a terrible thing to have 
There's loads of poems and stuff that help me when I'm feeling a bit shit after a bad day. Although most days are amazing
I did find the public meltdowns were harder when DS was little. People just assumed he was a bit old for a toddler tantrum and weren't too nice.
I used to just say "are you horrible about all disabled people or just children who can't defend themselves?" It wasn't very nice of me but I found the shock tactic worked to get them to move on and I didn't have the time to explain during meltdown that their nasty comments were sending me over the edge.
Then it suddenly changed, I don't know whether it was his size making it more obvious, or my different way of dealing and talking to him, but one day someone approached me, and I readied myself for the judgement, and they said "I am a nurse, do you need any help or are you coping?" I asked her to pass me his chewlery.
Ever since then I've not encountered nastiness, or maybe I've just got better blinkers on.
But it does get easier, more fun, you make your own friends, people get to know your child and soon you'll feel that this is your 'norm'
Plus the special needs activities after school here are loads better and cheaper than the mainstream ones, lots of fun for me and DS.
I distinctly remember one woman though. Who I ended up not knowing whether to feel annoyed by or sorry for.
DS was having a meltdown in tesco. I used to take him to buy one little toy car, then leave, and eventually we worked up slowly to bigger trips.
Anyway my friend was with me and wandered down the aisle a bit with her own autistic son because she didn't want him getting bothered by the noise of DS, when a heavily pregnant woman said to her, pointing at me "that's terrible isn't it, my child won't ever behave like that" while rubbing her belly. My friend just said "that little boy is disabled" apparently the woman looked really shocked and apologised and walked off.
It was probably her realisation moment that actually, you don't have complete control of your child's life.
We probably all have our expectations when we are pregnant. I know I was going to be the perfect mum and my child was going to be top of everything and never have a tantrum.
People don't always mean to be mean. They just sometimes really don't know. Especially if they've never come across something.
I went home feeling really bad for the woman who probably felt awful after that incident.
By the way, my DS is perfect in every way. I like him more than any other human in the world.
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