DP doesn't want me to go back to W after maternity leave. Is he U?

[Squidstirfry]

I am filling out my maternity leave forms at the moment with my return dates / handover plan etc. I brought the subject up with DP yesterday, (not out of the blue, but the first time properly talking about it) and he said very strongly that he thinks I should not return, and tell them this.
My job is half-days Mon-Fri so I leave around 06:40am returning 14:00pm. It pays OK but isn't a 'career' job.

DP works from home, his schedule means he has to go out every Weds and Friday (various times) to see clients.

The real issue is that I have debts. A set amount comes out of my bank every month and will do for the next 5 years.

Maternity pay only goes on for 8 months, and so after then I will need money coming in. DP thinks that leaving an 8MO every day is not right, and also if I am working every day he won't be able to leave the house or do anything. I just don't know where he thinks the money is going to come from!

We researched benefits together yesterday and he is trying to encourage me to claim something instead of working, but the amount you get, considering my outgoings leaves next to nothing.

We rarely disagree about anything, and this needs to be a joint decision, but I feel completely stuck. I always saw my returning to work as an inevitable, but now it looks like he will resent this.

[EarthWindFire]

Any particular reason why you aren't married?

Not every one wants to be.

OP how big are your debts?

[Unexpected]

Apologies in advance as I haven't read all the posts (I know, I know) but it does strike me that it is not a sensible plan for you to think that he can provide childcare while he is supposed to be working from home. My reading of your posts is that you are only planning to have paid childcare for some of the time while you are working and otherwise he will look after your child. Firstly, if he is actually working he cannot do childcare at the same time - it is impossible! It might work for a time while a baby is little and sleeps lots but once they are crawling and noise-making it is simply not possible. Also, if he is employed, rather than self-employed, his employer will not accept him looking after a child while being paid to concentrate on his work.

Apart from that practicality however, I am in agreement with those who are horrified about how you have reached a situation where you are having a child with someone when you don't know how much he earns or seemingly without having discussed the future together in terms of work, managing debts etc. You can no longer put off this talk and don't "assume" anything any longer. I hope when you do sit down you come to a compromise which works for both of you.

[AnyFucker]

Any particular reason you aren't married

...and some controlling men refuse to

[ApocalypseThen]

Yep. A man who is trying to get you to have no income, live in a house you don't own with vague references to benefits of some kind wants to rob you of every avenue of independence. Just take a look at the financial abuse threads on the relationship board. It really, really happens.

[ariana1]

You don't share your combined income or have any rights over the home that you live in so be very wary of giving up your independence. He is not the boss of you and you have an equal right to work; childcare is a necessity and due to your early hours he will need to get the baby to a minder or nursery. You should be financially supported during your maternity leave and whilst caring for your baby - the finance problem may come to a head when there is less to go round. Good luck and well done for thinking this through now.

[EarthWindFire]

Any particular reason you aren't married

...and some controlling men refuse to

And some women refuse to.. It isn't all clear cut

[SolidGoldBrass]

Yes, this is an abusive man who doesn't like women. He wants you at home and financially dependent on him, so that you have to be submissive and obedient or you will suffer. Behaviour like this is quite calculated. The man fully intends to reduce his partner to a domestic servant who must indulge his whim, so he will say and do all sorts of things until she's pregnant...

[ApocalypseThen]

And some women refuse to.. It isn't all clear cut

If someone is putting you under pressure to leave work with zero proposals about what their new role re family finances and security are, it is that clear cut.

[mummytime]

If you purposefully have a child with someone you should:
a) be married
OR b) have discussed finances and got legal protection for the mother and child (and father and child) in the case of something "going wrong". Where something "going wrong" includes: serious illness, death, and relationship splits.

Maybe we should campaign to get this information across to teenagers.

[Anonynonny]

Jesus.

You're in an extremely insecure financial position.

You don't even know how much he earns? And he wants you to give up work and be financially dependent on him?

Sounds like a very controlling man.

[thecageisfull]

I think there are a lot of potential solutions to this, non of which involve you giving up your job but all involving him making some sort of concession.

He could give up his job
He could shift his hours so he is only working when you are home
He could take the baby to a nursery from, say 9-12, have lunch with her then put her to bed. Sometimes this would work and he could work from home, other times it wouldn't and he would have to look after her and catch up in the evenings.
He could shift his hours only on the 3 days when he doesn't have appointments and she could go to nursery for 2 days
He could work at weekends and take 2 days off during the week
He could cut his hours down
He could look after her in the mornings and drop her at nursery at lunchtime so she would only be sleeping there and you could pick her up at 2.
I can see why it's easier for him to carry on as if nothing has happened and let you take the entire financial/social/emotional/physical hit though. I would love it if my child free life could have continued alongside my new life as a parent.

[ApocalypseThen]

I don't think he wants her financially dependent on him, he wants her to get benefits. So he's got no plans to step up.

[MrsWinnibago]

I tried to work from home with a baby and then "catch up" later and it was bloody AWFUL!

All my evenings were spent working.

You need to look at this financially...is it worth you working when childcare is so expensive?

[scallopsrgreat]

"A man who is trying to get you to have no income, live in a house you don't own with vague references to benefits of some kind wants to rob you of every avenue of independence. Just take a look at the financial abuse threads on the relationship board. It really, really happens."

This...

and this again!

Would he consider being a SAHD?

Look at the choices he is making and the options he is giving. They are really all your choices. And they all involve you making the compromises. Pretty controlling.

[AnyFucker]

EWF, you appear to be projecting your own situation here. The problem is, it looks like you think it is ok for the OP to be in the situation she is in. And it isn't.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

You don't sound like a couple at the moment. You sound more like flatmates who are having a baby together. You need to sit down and have a proper talk about how things are going to work. Is part of your share of the bills the mortgage on the house - if so you should insist on being on the deeds or (if you aren't on the mortgage this may not be possible) get a declaration of trust covering your share.

Or get married. It may not be an ideal institution but its the quickest way to protect yourself. Note, I am the high earner and DH was the SAHD and our case, marriage protected him rather than me so its not a female only issue.

[BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure]

EarthWind - which is why I asked her.

If she's philosophically opposed to marriage, fine; but there are other legal arrangements that are a "default" of marriage which need to be put in place for co parents.

[Spherical]

Putting aside who is or isn't be unreasonable for the moment, please do not say you are definitely not going back to work after maternity leave just yet. Keep your options open by saying you will take your full year's entitlement - the four months when you are not getting any maternity pay and your return date can guide you on whether you are comfortable to stay at home or wish/need to return to work.

It is very difficult to plan on looking after baby and working from home or who should do most of the caring of the baby until the baby arrives. Once baby arrives and as he/she develops, you can assess what would be best for you as a family.

[NewtRipley]

I think it was worth whoever asked to ask why the OP is not married. It does give an insight into how vulnerable she is here

[NewtRipley]

mummytime

Agree

[Staryyeyedsurprise]

MrsWinnibago
You need to look at this financially...is it worth you working when childcare is so expensive?

Well seeing as childcare is a family expense and she doesn't know how much DP earns then she can't answer that. To be honest, I wouldn't even go down that route yet as it seems yet another way to manoeuvre OP into a certain position.

Bottom line is OP has a debt that she cannot repay if she doesn't return to work. OP and DP have separate finances. OP has no security if she doesn't return to work as it is DP's house and she will have no income. DP has changed goalposts. DP suggested OP looks at what benefits she can claim, suggesting that DP has no interest in supporting OP or helping with her debts. OP (rightly) has reservations about her vulnerability.

I would strongly suggest OP that even if you have 27p left after childcare costs (because somehow I know that will fall to you) and debt repayments that you stay in work.

[BookABooSue]

It's good that you're thinking about this now (although as others have said it would have better to have worked it out earlier). You need to make it clear to your DP that both your lives are going to be impacted by having a dc. It sounds obvious but he seems to think your life will change and he can make decisions and opt out of childcare on a whim. Seriously, you need to stamp on that idea right now or this relationship will only get worse.

The dc isn't just your responsibility. If you need childcare then you both contribute to the costs (depending on your respective salaries).

You're not sleepwalking into this. Please hammer out all the details now as your resolve may weaken once your lo is here and you're sleep deprived, and hormonal. However, if you start with such unequal responsibility for your dc then it will soon filter through to every aspect of your relationship and you will be extremely vulnerable.

[NewtRipley]

Good post Book

[MrsWinnibago]

Starry I missed that she doesn't know what her DP earns!

That's bad. OP I'm probably not the first to say it but you need to know what DP earns.

Dh and I aren't married yet...I call him DH because he sort of is...we're getting married next year and I know all he earns and all he spends as he does me...our money is ours...we pool it in our calculations though we have separate accounts...and then work out what's spare..if anything.

The spare goes on what we agree...I don't ask him if I can buy clothes or anything like that...but other things we agree on...you really need to sort this out.x