DP doesn't want me to go back to W after maternity leave. Is he U?

[Squidstirfry]

I am filling out my maternity leave forms at the moment with my return dates / handover plan etc. I brought the subject up with DP yesterday, (not out of the blue, but the first time properly talking about it) and he said very strongly that he thinks I should not return, and tell them this.
My job is half-days Mon-Fri so I leave around 06:40am returning 14:00pm. It pays OK but isn't a 'career' job.

DP works from home, his schedule means he has to go out every Weds and Friday (various times) to see clients.

The real issue is that I have debts. A set amount comes out of my bank every month and will do for the next 5 years.

Maternity pay only goes on for 8 months, and so after then I will need money coming in. DP thinks that leaving an 8MO every day is not right, and also if I am working every day he won't be able to leave the house or do anything. I just don't know where he thinks the money is going to come from!

We researched benefits together yesterday and he is trying to encourage me to claim something instead of working, but the amount you get, considering my outgoings leaves next to nothing.

We rarely disagree about anything, and this needs to be a joint decision, but I feel completely stuck. I always saw my returning to work as an inevitable, but now it looks like he will resent this.

[Squidstirfry]

Our finances are totally seperate apart from an equal amount we both put in each month for the 'household fund' that we use for nice things like interiors. We'll be using this for baby necessities (prams etc) too.

I honestly would not ever imagine burdening him with my debt re-payments. I do want to go back to work, for obvious practical reasons but I am prepared for my outlook on this to change once there is a LO.

I only have a vague idea what he actualy earns, I would have thought we would contribute equally to childcare. We have hardly discussed finances at all actually up until now it's quite difficult imagining myself being a 'dependent' so I think I will have to spell out to him the financial implications (on him) of my not returning to work.

He is very lovely, kind and caring, and we are both very excited about beginning a family, but are aware how things will change so much.

[HaveYouTriedARewardChart]

I'm sure you'll work it out! Most people would have joint finances by the time they're having children - it just doesn't make sense to have "my money" and "your money" once you're a family. Probably time to have a proper talk about all your income, expenditure and debts. Get it all out in the open to start with. Then wait and see how life goes for the next year.

Good luck!

[Mrsgrumble]

I went back to work at nearly six months and it wa brilliant for the baby. I was I a dreadful state putting from him but he loved interacting with other children and they treat him like a mini celebrity when he is there.

You need childcare but no way would I give up my job!!!

He sounds like a typical husband from the 1950s ????

[Staryyeyedsurprise]

Squidstirfry
I honestly would not ever imagine burdening him with my debt re-payments

Are you kidding?

Despite having previously been ok with plans, now:

He doesn't want the baby to be "left".
He doesn't want a "stange person in the house"
Apparently you should give up your job, try and claim benefits and you wouldn't want to burden him with your debts.

Well that all sounds very fair and equitable

[Squidstirfry]

Thanks everyone, for your wise words....

[BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure]

Squid, benefits generally relate to household income - if you share a house then his income will impact on what you can get, so you need to know what it is.

[noblegiraffe]

You are going to have a baby together. You need to stop thinking about your debts and his income. If you aren't earning and he still sees it as your debts and his income, despite you giving up work at his instigation, you are going to end up having to ask him for pocket money just so you can do things like buy tampons.

If you give up work, your debt repayments will have to be transferred to the joint account. He must be made to understand this, otherwise there is trouble ahead in more ways than one.

[Nanny0gg]

I only have a vague idea what he actualy earns, I would have thought we would contribute equally to childcare. We have hardly discussed finances at all actually up until now

I'm sorry, but I'm horrified at this. Why don't people discuss these aspects of life before living together or marrying, let alone having babies?

You need to sit down and have a full and frank discussion about money, work (of the house variety as well), childcare and parenting.

This is all way too vague to be sensible.

[AnyFucker]

I don't think you are listening, are you squid

Women make themselves very, very vulnerable when they have babies outside of marriage and don't get the finances screwed down as tight as a fucking drum

Imagine being dependent on the whims of a bloke ? Not a good place, no matter how "kind and caring" he is

A "kind and caring" partner would take on your debts as his own. You are a family now. He should be thinking about what is best for all of you, not dressing up his own self interest in the guise of "he doesn't believe in childcare and he doesn't want strangers in the house"

him him him

what about you ?

[AnyFucker]

You are sleepwalking into a potentially very bad situation here. Wake the fuck up, and quickly.

[Staryyeyedsurprise]

Euphemia

Time for a proper, serious, grown-up talk

Agree, but I can't understand what there is to discuss other than:

OP - "I can't afford to give up work as I need to make my debt repayments".
DP - "OK, fair point" or "I will help you to pay those debts off and I will ensure you have access to x per month"

I'd be pretty at any other possible outcomes.

[Vivacia]

Am I right in understanding that you haven't yet had the baby? How long have you been together? Was the baby planned?

Lots of questions - trying to grasp how you've got yourselves in to this situation.

[AuntieStella]

If you are going to reduce or give up work, and you are unmarried, you need to have a series of serious finance/administrative conversations about things like property ownership (and that of any other big assets), wills, pensions, insurances etc as well as day to day budgeting.

If he died, or you split up (now, or after DC is born) what would you have left to live on?

Do not drift in to this.

It's fine to choose to be an unmarried SAHM, as long as you know what you are choosing and have done so within a financially transparent relationship. It sounds as if you still have some way to go.

[QuintessentiallyQS]

Ay OP, come off your rosy clouds, and listen.

[ApocalypseThen]

Surely though the issue of debts has already come up? He must have just shrugged and babbled something about massive benefits. Because it doesn't sound like he has any other current plan for supporting partner and child.

Who own the house?

[Squidstirfry]

I hear you AF. This is what I am actually concerned about myself, being in a position of vulnerability. This is one of the reasons for wishing to return to work. The implication for this are numerous, as are the implications of being SAHM. The 'ouside of marriage' factor is significant legally and financially also, as I wouldn't have a leg to stand on if anything went wrong.

I always know the talk about our money affairs was on the horizon Nanny0gg but yes this has come a bit later than sensible.

We did plan the baby, with my assuming I would return to work and we'd negotiate around that.

I don't see coming to a decision immediately, but I do need to retain some independence.

[Squidstirfry]

He has known about my debts since the start. Been together 4 years now, I nurtured him through a tough illness, his house.

Yes, initially out 'planning' was based on emotional drive, and mumbling stuff about 'talking later' about the important things.

[ApocalypseThen]

If it's his house, don't give up work without getting on the deeds. In the event of a split, you could easily find yourself homeless and incomeless.

[AnyFucker]

Bad idea, love. Put it right immediately. I don't like the idea that he wants you to give up work when you are perfectly capable and he earns ok, to go on benefits. Could you be any more vulnerable ? This is not a "kind and caring" action form him. Benefits are for people who have no other choice, and very deserved they are in that scenario.

What is the housing situation ?

[BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure]

Op

Any particular reason why you aren't married?

[Anniegetyourgun]

Presumably the stranger in the house refers to a babysitter rather than to his own child... but that's silly, they won't be a stranger after the first day. They might even be nice. In fact they jolly well better be if they're minding a baby.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

Just don't put yourself in a vulnerable position. You've got debts, it's his house, you aren't married and he wants you to become a sahm. Not great, legally you'd be screwed if anything happened so you need to be careful and get things sorted with a solicitor.

[OnlyLovers]

I'm very worried about how he shifted the goalposts on childcare, from 'seeming OK to consider it' (although you seem vague on this) to 'but yesterday it was absoutely not an option "having a strange person in the house".'

You need a proper, serious talk about not just the money but all the implications of having a child together, who works and when, how you manage finances etc.

On a practical level alone, I think there are ways you could find to manage it. I like the suggestion upthread for him to work a different 'shift' so you share childcare and only get in extra help for a few hours.

[Sapat]

I work full time and my children started nursery at age 1. Personally I think before 1 is a bit young for nursery. There is also no way you can work from home and look after a little one. Can he pay your debt for 4 months, then you return to work at 1 year, so compromise? Childcare and work is the biggest nightmare parents face, you have to find what works best for you, and remember that it is not a forever situation, as you will be entitled to some free Childcare hours just before they start school.