DP doesn't want me to go back to W after maternity leave. Is he U?

[Squidstirfry]

I am filling out my maternity leave forms at the moment with my return dates / handover plan etc. I brought the subject up with DP yesterday, (not out of the blue, but the first time properly talking about it) and he said very strongly that he thinks I should not return, and tell them this.
My job is half-days Mon-Fri so I leave around 06:40am returning 14:00pm. It pays OK but isn't a 'career' job.

DP works from home, his schedule means he has to go out every Weds and Friday (various times) to see clients.

The real issue is that I have debts. A set amount comes out of my bank every month and will do for the next 5 years.

Maternity pay only goes on for 8 months, and so after then I will need money coming in. DP thinks that leaving an 8MO every day is not right, and also if I am working every day he won't be able to leave the house or do anything. I just don't know where he thinks the money is going to come from!

We researched benefits together yesterday and he is trying to encourage me to claim something instead of working, but the amount you get, considering my outgoings leaves next to nothing.

We rarely disagree about anything, and this needs to be a joint decision, but I feel completely stuck. I always saw my returning to work as an inevitable, but now it looks like he will resent this.

[MexicanSpringtime]

Another thing is that I personally found I was happier and therefore a better mother having the mornings away from her. Babies are gorgeous but tiring as a round-the-clock job

[afterthought]

I think you need some legal advice. I would advise you to not give up work as if you are living in his house then you make yourself even more vulnerable.

I live with my DP in his house. We don't really talk finances. However, because it is his house he insists I contribute 50/50 to bills only. I think for his security he doesn't want me to have a claim on his house.

However, we have discussed what would happen if we had children. I was very worried about bringing it up so casually mentioned that I was really worried about my drop in pay if I went on ML - his response was 'but then it will be OUR money'. We have also mentioned having something in place should anything happen to him. Before we have children. these are things I want to know are watertight.

I will never give up work as I want to know I can afford to support my children in the event that I ended up raising them alone for whatever reason. From talking to my DP, it seems that at the moment he is financially protecting himself (which is fine as he has no other responsibilities) but that changes as soon as there is a child on the scene. It doesn't sound as though your DP feels like this.

[hamptoncourt]

I am shocked at the number of threads recently where women live with men and have no idea how much they earn and are financing their own maternity leave alone.

Also, the number of threads where women have sleepwalked into having children with men they are not married to despite having no financial security either within or outside of that relationship.

Do people still think that there is such a thing a what my toxic DM would call a "common law wife?" and that they will have the same rights as a married woman in a split?

OP, suggest to DP that if he pays off your debt you won't need to go back until you want to. You have no idea how you will fell about all this until you have the baby.

Good luck.

[Darkesteyes]

Thanks Assortment.

Having once been involved with a man who used to time me in the shower moaning and shouting if I took longer than 3 mins (ive got long thick hair so I need a bit more time than someone with a thinning thatch) and refusing to buy bog roll because he was so fucking tight ive been there. But I didn't/don't have DC. Financial abuse is something that really gets me riled up.

[campingfilth]

I feel this is not going to end well and you will end up on the relationships board in a few years trying to get out of a financially/emotionally abusive relationship.

You need to set some ground rule and sort the finances out and if he doesn't like what you say then you need to get out while you can.

[greenfolder]

if he has a decent income, you will be entitled to no benefits. dont see how you could have assessed benefits without you knowing his income.

you need to say- i will be out between x and y working, what are we going to do about childcare? Or what can we do about clearing my debts.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

Darkesteyes I agree, very good post.

We are so squeamish about money that respect for privacy comes before security and good planning. But trust is so romantic an ideal we walk blindfold into terrible situations where children and adults can be horribly hurt and abused.

Massive cultural blind spot.

[Darkesteyes]

sashh Mon 21-Jul-14 15:20:32



DP thinks that leaving an 8MO every day is not right

Er but he works from home, so the baby is not being left, the baby is with one of its parents.





So what he really means is that its wrong for the MOTHER to leave the baby every day.

He thinks childcare is all womens work OP.

[Anonynonny]

How much is he proposing to pay you per month as compensation for giving up your income and pension rights?

Nowt, I bet.

[Darkesteyes]

I'm sorry, but I'm horrified at this. Why don't people discuss these aspects of life before living together or marrying, let alone having babies?





Because ive seen MNers start threads where the guy they are dating is being evasive about money or trying to hide debts or showing signs of tightwaddery.

Then others have replied "His finances are none of your business You are only dating.

Ive even seen the same sort of replies given to OPs when they say they are living with a bloke "but you aren't married or you don't have a kid so his finances are none of your business"

But if its not discussed at an earlier stage you end up with situations like this.


If they are showing signs early on like the ones I have mentioned above then these signs should be seen as red flags.


When someone tells you who they are......please listen.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I just want to know a few things;

Who is going to pay for day-to-day expenses for the baby?
Who is paying for and organising childcare?
Who will pay your debts if you don't go back to work?
Who is going to make up the difference in your earnings to benefits?

This sounds bad because it is. It is all about him and his needs. Doesn't want someone in the house? Great, do the childcare yourself or organise a system that works. He wants you to meet his needs but doesn't afford you the same.

[LittleBearPad]

You have to know exactly what the other earns and what your individual and joint outgoing are.

It's staggering to me that you don't already know this but now you must. Then you have to have a really good conversation about money. He is going to have to support you in the next year. Smp is not a lot - you will have little, if any, left after your debt repayments are made.

Tell work you'll be taking a year, you can change it later with appropriate notice.

[ApocalypseThen]

As a rule, I think saying that you'd rather someone else did something where that something impacts them but not you is pretty unreasonable.

And he's in no position to insist on anything.

[Viviennemary]

He isn't been unreasonable by saying he'd rather you gave up work but he would be U if he insisted. Also he can't really be a childminder as well as working from home except for the odd time. You have to really try and get some sort of system or compromise that will be acceptable to both of you even if it isn't ideal.

[Galvanized]

Agree with lots of above. Just to state as well that you do not need to tell your employer if you're not planning to go back until 8 weeks before the date they're expecting you back. So give them a return date, act like you're going to return, and don't make any hasty decisions now. Leave all avenues open.

[sashh]

DP thinks that leaving an 8MO every day is not right

Er but he works from home, so the baby is not being left, the baby is with one of its parents.

[stagsden]

Oh and its not unreasonable for you to want to go back to work but you would need money for childcare or for dh to give up work or to work opposite shifts so you work in morning come home then he works.

[stagsden]

Dont make a decision yet. Work have to assume your taking a full 12months untill you notify them otherwise (you must give 8weeks notice).

Once baby is here you may feel very differently - some people are adamant they are going back to work but once baby is a few months old chance their mind. For others it can be the other way round. Then some peoples feelings dont change.

Tbh though if there is any chance of you not going back to work you need to get all finances joint now. If money is too seperate you'll put your self in a very very vulnerable position. All money must be "our" money regardless of who earnt it - if your dp cant do that now then he wont be able to do that if you dont work and youll find yourself in a very bad situation. (im a sahm and dh see's every penny as "our money not "his")

Also i believe you do still have rights on the house and any money in the event of a split due to your "contribution to the household" - my brothers mate lost his house to an ex who had been a sahm and didnt have name on the deeds. So check that out before worrying too much on that side of things.

[MrsWinnibago]

Starry I missed that she doesn't know what her DP earns!

That's bad. OP I'm probably not the first to say it but you need to know what DP earns.

Dh and I aren't married yet...I call him DH because he sort of is...we're getting married next year and I know all he earns and all he spends as he does me...our money is ours...we pool it in our calculations though we have separate accounts...and then work out what's spare..if anything.

The spare goes on what we agree...I don't ask him if I can buy clothes or anything like that...but other things we agree on...you really need to sort this out.x

[NewtRipley]

Good post Book

[BookABooSue]

It's good that you're thinking about this now (although as others have said it would have better to have worked it out earlier). You need to make it clear to your DP that both your lives are going to be impacted by having a dc. It sounds obvious but he seems to think your life will change and he can make decisions and opt out of childcare on a whim. Seriously, you need to stamp on that idea right now or this relationship will only get worse.

The dc isn't just your responsibility. If you need childcare then you both contribute to the costs (depending on your respective salaries).

You're not sleepwalking into this. Please hammer out all the details now as your resolve may weaken once your lo is here and you're sleep deprived, and hormonal. However, if you start with such unequal responsibility for your dc then it will soon filter through to every aspect of your relationship and you will be extremely vulnerable.

[Staryyeyedsurprise]

MrsWinnibago
You need to look at this financially...is it worth you working when childcare is so expensive?

Well seeing as childcare is a family expense and she doesn't know how much DP earns then she can't answer that. To be honest, I wouldn't even go down that route yet as it seems yet another way to manoeuvre OP into a certain position.

Bottom line is OP has a debt that she cannot repay if she doesn't return to work. OP and DP have separate finances. OP has no security if she doesn't return to work as it is DP's house and she will have no income. DP has changed goalposts. DP suggested OP looks at what benefits she can claim, suggesting that DP has no interest in supporting OP or helping with her debts. OP (rightly) has reservations about her vulnerability.

I would strongly suggest OP that even if you have 27p left after childcare costs (because somehow I know that will fall to you) and debt repayments that you stay in work.

[NewtRipley]

mummytime

Agree