Am I a noisy neighbour or am I being harassed?

[QuietlyCurious92]

Heya, so a little advice here would be greatly appreciated (and the honest truth more so, I won't take offence!)

A couple months ago I moved into a four in a block top floor flat, lovely area and all my neighbours seemed great. Got along well with my downstairs neighbours as much as an introvert who suffers panic attacks and anxiety can and they were really lovely and welcoming. However after a couple of weeks I received a visit from the social work, my downstairs neighbours had complained of my children (2 and 4) being in my garden (enclosed, safe and well away from any main roads) unsupervised. This happened twice early in the morning as the medication the doctor gave me was making it near impossible for me to wake up. I hadn't known about this but the social worker said she had no concerns and helped me get a chain on the door so the children couldn't get out, I went back to the doctor and had the medication changed and everything was fine. Another complaint was submitted to the social work, a report of a strange man coming in and out of my house. This happened to be my partner, we don't live together though he visits often. They also complained of the children looking out the windows a lot. Social work asked about the man for child safety reasons but other than that had absolutely no concerns. About a week after that they stopped my partner as he was leaving my home and threatened to damage his car if he parked in front of the house in "their" space again (on road, no designated parking spots) and of him leaving the gates open. My partner apologised, explained he hadn't realised it was their spot but told them if any damage happened to his car he would get the police involved. Everything once again returned to normal. The week after they complained to the council that my bins weren't being emptied. The council came out the same day and checked the bins, saw they were fine and informed me of what happened. I asked their advice on the current situation and was told someone would phone me but u received no call. A few days after this had happened the male came to my door and asked to talk to me. I was happy to talk and invited him in but he declined and told my my children running around and playing inside was causing them a lot of noise disturbance. I apologised several times and was mortified, I had no intention of causing them any disruptions. I promised him I would immediately lower the noise levels and I was again incredibly sorry. This seemed to put everything back on track, the kids were stopped running around in the house as much as possible, I keep the TV at a volume so low you can't hear it, I took the battery's out of any noisy toys and gave constantly kept the noise as low as I can with having two young children. A few days later I asked if the noise had been any better and he had said yes, I apologised once again and everything seemed fine. Until two weeks after that when my daughter woke at 6 am and went to the toilet, at 6.15 there was a banging on the door and the male was there, nearly shouting about how my children had just woke everyone in their house and it wasn't acceptable, there was noise coming from my house all day every day and someone racing back and forth across the floor until 11th at night. I tried to apologise if we had caused a disturbance and tried to suggest that maybe all the noise wasn't coming from my house as I was keeping things as quiet as possible and the children were in bed by 7.30. At this point my son woke upset and came down the stairs trailed by my still half asleep daughter and the new kitten. He pointed at the kitten and half shouted how that must be making all the noise. I explained that he was tiny and made next to no noise at all, perhaps it wasn't us, apologised again to have him shout it wasn't good enough and storm off. The children were upset and I started having a severe panic attack which led to them starting every time I hear noise in my house. A couple of days after this happened me and the kids were playing in my garden when he opened the gate and let his daughter (a couple years older than my daughter) in to play with the kids like nothing had happened. My mum then came to stay for a week with my younger brother and sister, the noise was quite a bit louder but I received no complaints. However today (two days after my mum having left) the male came to my door at 2.30 pm while me and my children were sitting on Skype to their father. He straight away went 'do you know what's going on in your house?' I was rather confused and asked him what he meant, and he started going on about my children banging on the floor for the past hour. I told him it definitely was not my kids as they were on Skype and my daughter had only ran to her room once to get a teddy to show her dad, other than that they hadn't left the sofa. He continued going on about how there was constantly noise coming from my house and if it didn't stop he would seek mediation, he'd been nothing but nice to me by cutting my grass and his wife looking after my children by sending them back inside when I first moved in and how their life had been unbearable since I moved in and I let my children run riot and I didn't look after him. I tried to tell him I was keeping things quiet as I could and that it wasn't them banging today but he kept cutting me off. I then told him that he was causing me to have a panic attack by being so aggressive and he replied that it wasn't his problem, that he went out of his way to help his neighbours and I made absolutely no effort. After that he stormed off. I phoned the antisocial behaviour team and put in a complaint but I'm not sure if it is my fault and if I really am being too noisy.

My children are two and four, my son (2) does run a lot and even being reminded constantly to walk nicely he forgets. My daughter does run sometimes but for the most part she's been good about walking. She does however throw a lot of tantrums, she's very strong willed and objects being told what to do. I'm the first person to admit my children are noisy sometimes, they're loud and they can be boisterous. However they do get in trouble for this and I make an effort constantly to keep them quiet. I walk around as quiet as I can myself and make as little noise as possible after the kids are in bed. I don't have parties, don't drink or play loud music/tv and I keep to myself as much as possible. However I will say that I don't have any problems with my other neighbours, they are all very lovely and welcoming.

So is it just me? Am I a bad neighbour? If I am, I'd honestly like to be told, I don't mean to cause anyone problems. Also, any really good ways to stop kids making so much noise in a flat? I don't think there is much soundproofing here ??

[ScarlettDragon]

MrsCumbersnatch you expect the OP to write in paragraphs to accommodate the problems you seem to have with reading, yet won't afford her the courtesy of not pointing out her lack of paragraphs, when she is quite obviously distressed. Nice, very nice.

OP I think it is most definately harrassment and the fact that he waited until your mum had left to intimidate you says it all really. They're being arseholes and I would complain about them.

[sebsmummy1]

I actually felt quite panicky reading that, I'm not surprised you have severe anxiety living there. There must be something you can do as he had no right to intimidate you the way he is.

[Crinkle77]

Could you call his bluff and ask to come round to assess the noise? Maybe your partner could stay in your flat with the kids and get them to walk around and assess the noise level for yourself? Then you will know if he is exaggerating or not.

[PicandMinx]

Stop apologising to him for a start. Don't invite him in again. Have your TV on at a level that is comfortable for YOU. Let your children behave like normal children. Report him to 101 everything he complains. He is a bully. He is trying to get you to leave.

[arkestra]

He's banging on your door, raising his voice and has threatened criminal damage on your DP's car. None of this is normal behaviour. Frankly he sounds like he has a screw loose.

I have had tons of unreasonable noise from neighbours in the past but it would never cross my mind to act like that... And you don't sound like you are on the same planet noise-making-wise as some of the stuff I'm talking about! So YADNBU.

As others have suggested, do log every incident - and try to get the previous incidents down with dates. If he escalates, whether by complaints to the council or by getting so obnoxious you need to get the police involved, this will be very valuable to you.

Good luck. Wonder if there's some way to talk to the wife? Also I wonder what his neighbours think of him - he sounds like a bully and a right prat.

[JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth]

Exactly sebsmummy. I've weaning myself off citalopram atm which I took for anxiety. A situation like this would put me straight back on it!

Op should speak to the gp and say this situation is aggravating her condition. That report should then be sent to the council

But the op has to be brave against bullies. A pp said don't open the door, she's not obliged to listen to his shit

My neighbour opposite shouted at my kids for riding their bikes in 'his' car park and for scooting near his car. I gave him a serious tongue lashing. Talk to me if there's a problem, don't shout at my 8 year old

[dawndonnaagain]

You and your family are being bullied, who is your landlord? Are you H.A. or private? If H.A. they should have someone who can help. Do write everything down. Absolutely everything, as you have done here.
I hope things improve for you.

[flyingtrue]

Sounds harassing to me OP. You need to log every incident you remember from the past, everything he's said. Write it all down with dates and include how it made you feel. Do it on computer so you can email it to a council and police contact. The same with any that happen in the future. Contact 101 for a contact name from your local safer neighbourhoods team or google 'safer neighbourhoods police' and your area because it may be online.

The first incident, I can understand being concerned if 2 very young children have got out f the house themselves but from that moment it sounds like he/they have it in for you. YNABU

[MissLurkalot]

Sorry, I too struggled to read due to the layout. But, I get the gist of it.

No, OP, you are not a bad neighbour. You sound rather accommodating and reasonable to me.

I wouldn't open your door to him anymore. And I'd keep a diary of any interaction from him.

Could you buy a couple of large rugs? That might help a bit. But it sounds like your neighbours are unreasonable.

Well done for logging a complaint about him. I hope things improve. x

[dailymailluvsme]

I literally can't understand why someone would bother going to the effort of replying to a thread only to complain about paragraphs or lack thereof.

OP, you have been accommodating to this neighbour and he still isn't happy, children do make noise, you have done your best to minimise it and he still isn't happy. Ask him what it is he wants you to do, tell him that won't be possible since you are simply going about your business (I'm anticipating it won't be) and then stop engaging with him.

[Proclean]

I doubt it's about the noise really he sounds like a bully hence staying away when you had other family round to stick up for you!

He is making you ill, I am not surprised you are having panic attacks being a lone female with an aggressive male keep knocking on for no real reason you can identify - the things he is doing are rather intimidating, he is implying you can do no right so this is not a communication issue he is seemingly enjoying bullying you when you are alone.

I think this is serious. Maybe the police could help you and every time he invades your privacy you could call them and get a crime number and build a cas against him to get a restraining order in place.

Any woman alone especially with small children deserves peace and privacy, if their was a real noise issue you have put in place all the measures you reasonably could to take care of it. This man needs stopping or you will not be in a fit place mentally to care for your dc!

[QuietlyCurious92]

Heya, it's a council property, as is theirs. It's all carpeted apart from the kitchen and bathroom too.

And to everyone mentioning about my children being outside, thank you for not being nasty about that. I do realise how incredibly dangerous it was and it frightened me when I found out. My doctor took me off the medication and I had a chain attached (it's a turn lock from inside which is how they got out). Thankfully I now have no problems waking and it has never happened again.

The antisocial team have said they would come and talk to me about this, also told me to keep an activity log too which I will do from now on. So far as I know they talk to the man beside them and an elderly lady from across the street but I am relatively new here (moved in about 2 and a half months ago). Other than my direct neighbours, who I've had no problems with, I don't know anyone.

I do understand things in flats can be a lot louder than normal though so I will continue to keep noise down to a reasonable level.

Thanks for all of your comments, it's been really helpful :)

[Sparklypants]

Oh god, he sounds just awful!

I'm sorry if others have said the same as me.

If he says anything about the parking again point out that 'his'spot doesn't exist as it's not designated parking, and inform him (Politely) that you have/will be contacting the council/police about his harassment of you.

Please keep a log of any interaction with him or complaints being made against you.

Good luck op

[Didactylos]

You sound reasonable and sensible OP, and he does not
the incident with your children - fair enough to be concerned and it sounds as though you have dealt with it promptly and correctly

I would - put chain on door if he comes knocking and answer through it. Dont let him in. If you have your mobile handy - put it on a record setting. Calmly say - Im sorry if you have been disturbed by any noise but my children and I have a right to carry out normal activities in our flat and you cannot expect complete silence unless in a detatched property. We have tried to be accomodating and minimise noise but if there is a problem I suggest you contact the council who can arrange to assess noise levels and will be able to mediate between us. I am keeping a record and log of every incident where you come to the door and rant at me, and will contact the police if your behaviour continues.

And call his bluff if he does continue, no matter if there is unexpected noise you and your children should not be made to feel unsafe in your own home by his behaviour.

[SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker]

It sounds like you are going over and above (and I would stop doing that IIWY). If your kids aren't playing the same annoying music over and over (mambo no. 5 at a loud volume or jumping up and down on the bed or similar then he will just have to deal with it. Let him get up in a lather, just be reasonable, if he comes to the door and starts ranting say goodbye and shut the door. If he keeps knocking on it call the police and log it.

[Sparklypants]

His head would probably explode if he was my neighbour! I don't think we're especially loud (dd17 ds2.11) but we're definitely not creeping around making no noise.

I would be sooooo tempted to blast out a bit of iron maidon or maybe some death metal (but I am quite childish )

[QueenHaakonVII]

Quietly You sound like you are really considerate. I am glad you are still going to try to keep the noise down. It's easy in situations like this to get arsey - it's understandable but it really is the best thing to try and deal with it in a mature and sensible way and to not start being aggressive back to him.
Even if he is a knob (he is ) it's still a good idea to do the right thing.

I'm sensitive to noise and living below little kids in a poorly sound proofed house would be my idea of hell but the fact that you are doing your best would make me feel a lot better.

[Leonas]

Living in a flat, especial ground floor, you have to expect some noise from neighbours. He is being totally unreasonable to expect you and your children to live in silence and it sounds as if you have done as much as you can to make things easier for him.
I wouldn't speak to him again if he continues to be so aggressive. Tell him politely that he is making you uncomfortable and causing you to become ill and if he is unwilling to talk to you reasonably then maybe he should contact mediation - if he does contact them hopefully they will allow you to have your say and explain the measures you have already taken to reduce noise levels.
I have lived in lots of flats and they are never silent which is just part and parcel of flat-dwelling.
Good luck x

[BackforGood]

It sounds to me like you have been more than accommodating and their response have been more like harassment.
Agree with others you should keep a factual, polite log of the incidents - noting what they've complained about and what was actually happening from your perspective at the time, and then you have specific dates and reports of all of their unjustified complaints.

[FixItUpChappie]

1. you are being harassed and bullied
   
2. You do have a right to live your own life in your suite
   
3. Pursue your complaints about his behaviour with persistence
   
4. If he is aggressive and threatening call the police
   

what a nightmare OP - I do think your going to have to stand up for yourself here.

[PomBearWithAnOFRS]

It would be interesting if you could find out why the previous tenant of your flat moved out...

[VioletHare]

Yabu for a 2 and 4 year old being out in the garden while you were sleeping.

Other than that yanbu and your neighbours are knobs.

Stop falling over yourself to apologise and the next time your neighbour knocks on your door, a two word response will suffice. Which will probably cement his opinion of you, but I think that horse has bolted anyway.

[wheresthelight]

OP your downstairs neighbour is a dick plain and simple please. Every answer you need is in the fact that while your family were staying you received no complaints. He is a bullying picking on you because he has seen you are living alone and are vulnerable.

Flats are noisy. I have recently moved out of a council flat, we were the ground floor of a block of 6 flats, 2 per floor. I never had any cause to complain, yes at times it was noisy but living in a flat is noisy. When my dd was born I went round to all the neighbours and apologised for any additional noise but babies cry and I would do my best to keep her calm. Every single one of them told me not to be silly, kids make noise and it's something you have to accept when you live on a flat.

Agree with others, keep a log of everything, ring 101 for advice and every single time this twat comes to your door.

I suffer anxiety and panic attacks so you have my deepest empathy for your situation. Stay strong you aredoing nothing wrong

[Treeceratops]

You are not a bad neighbour. You are going above and beyond to be a better neighbour. This guy is a bully. He has spotted a vulnerable person (by which I mean you are a woman living without another adult) and is getting his kicks by chipping away at your self-confidence and making you question yourself. Log and report every incident if you can. Hopefully his landlord will sort him out.

[mindthegap79]

Your neighbour is a bully, no doubt about that. I do think you are going to have to stand up for yourself a bit, but in a way that might be easier than continually feeling compelled to apologise to this utter knob. Refuse to engage, other than on a very basic level. Be civil, don't let him in, keep calm. Do as other posters have suggested - keep records on the computer and tell him that you're doing this.

OP you sound lovely - I wish you were my neighbour! If you feel like you're losing your nerve, remember that you've basically got a unanimous YANBU!