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AIBU?

To think that expressing anti-red hair views is still seen as okay

254 replies

GnomeDePlume · 26/06/2014 20:51

but is very, very wrong

DD(14) came home absolutely fuming having witnessed a red-headed girl of around 8 being verbally abused by a boy of around 10 while the mum of the boy told the girl to 'take the joke' even though the girl was very distressed. Fortunately the girl's brother rescued her.

DH is red-headed and believes that anti-red hair sentiment has become more common in recent years. Possibly because abusing somebody about the colour of their skin can get them arrested. Abusing somebody about the colour of their hair is seen as a fair target.

I dont get it. I have witnessed someone absolutely rip into a colleague, abusing him and his children (all red-headed) and this man could not see that what he was doing was wrong.

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Chunderella · 30/06/2014 20:22

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SummerRemembered · 30/06/2014 15:40

Juggling: I say technically and semantically not racism because ginger haired people are not a race. I do think, however, that with so much emphasis (and rightly so) on racism, along with homophobia, as terrible, criminal ways to be, there is a sense of loss of perspective with other types of hate. People have a tendency to say “oh well if it’s not racist then that’s alright” when the actual fact is that these kinds of attitudes are still bigoted, and violence (physical and emotional) against redheads is still a hate crime. IMO, there should be more emphasis on all types of bigotry – not just “gingerism” but any type of prejudice against different sectors of society and people need to realise that all prejudice and hate is as bad as each other, whether it is labelled racism or not.

Knees: When I wrote that original post, it occurred to me that I was perhaps minimising damage caused by ridiculing people for weight reasons and that yes, eating disorders are indeed a likely outcome. I’m sorry for all you have been through. I do admire those who want to take the sting out the “G” word and reclaim it but for me, it still dredges too many uncomfortable memories and I cannot bring myself to use it. I also think, and many reclaimed words will go through the same transition, that there is an inevitable consequence of ignorant people saying, “well, the gingers use the word so it must be okay to continue to laugh at them” and I’m afraid I’m not an assertive enough person to be able to explain why I use a word to reduce its impact even though other people using it can upset me.

I told them that if someone calls them a ginger bastard or a ginger minger, the offensive words are bastard and minger - not ginger!

I understand and agree, to an extent here but it is too reminiscent of an argument my FiL brings up time and time again, that he doesn’t believe calling someone a black bastard is racist because black is a factual adjective and bastard is the offensive part but not a crime to call someone that. I know, I know. I, and others, have tried time and time again to explain the racist connotations, that he is effectively calling someone a bastard because he is black and drawing attention to that characteristic in a negative way in the same way that calling someone a fat bastard is really a negative comment on their weight. You are absolutely right that the words to react to are the actual offensive ones like bastard and minger but there is still something intrinsically wrong about bringing hair colour into an insult – even if the person concerned is a complete bastard and merits being told why .

I’ll admit that I probably have been on the receiving end of gentle teasing over the years and that I have reacted badly to this, prompted my previous experiences and unable to separate good natured humour from actual hate, which then leads to the “can’t take a joke” criticism. A few years ago there was a marketing ploy by a local tourist attraction to allow all redheads into their properties free for a day. I got countless emails and texts from people asking if I knew about it and, in an attempt to avoid my office colleagues suddenly starting the same banter I decided to take the bull by the horns and called across to a bloke with bright red hair; “hey Alan, the museum is free to gingers today, we should forget work and go together”. He just looked at me in fury and said “Don’t ever use that word to me. I would have thought you, of all people should know better”.

I did suffer badly at school but I’ll admit things started to get better as I got older. It helped that most of the bullies were the types to leave at 16 therefore the final two years were a lot easier. I did have a few friends but it took me a long time to make these friendships. One friend had glasses and was always being mocked and teased, called speccy and four-eyes and other unimaginative insults. I’m still in occasional contact with her and she recently mentioned all the bullying she had through school because of her glasses and how it was the same as me being ginger. I still think she is wrong; it seemed clear to me at the time that the idiots at school saw her as being “like them” but with something fully to laugh at whereas I, and others like me, were actually hated and treated like a different species. She was certainly never physically assaulted and I don’t ever recall anyone constantly haranguing her about the way she looked. Of course I can’t talk for, nor diminish what she went through and I firmly believe that while teasing is normal human behaviour, when it crosses the line into bullying, it becomes a problem. And it only crosses the line when the bullied say so. So of course, bullying can happen to any and every schoolchild for one reason or another but I still believe that the correlation between bullying and red hair is much stronger than for any other characteristic so I do resent others saying, “well, I got stick for being short but just dealt with it and you should too.”

I did go a pretty rough school with a bad reputation for bullying and although lots of kids were taunted for various reasons, the type of bullying I received was reserved for gingers, ethnic minorities/“p*s”, those with learning and/or social difficulties and (sorry) the English. I remember once a Pakistani classmate bitterly asking me why I didn’t just dye my hair rather than take the abuse because if she had a way of changing her appearance, she would. To me, dying my hair wasn’t an option. It would send a clear message that (a) my hair was wrong and needed disguising and (b) the bullies could make me to anything they wanted and would forever more call the shots.

I do agree that some people minimising the damage might be feeling uncomfortable about the part they might have played in taunting redheads in the past. Peer pressure also plays a huge part and the more it is seen as acceptable, the more pressure there will be. Not long after meeting my DH, I was at a party with his friends when someone triumphantly produced their school yearbook. Even student had an entry with an interview including the questions “Likes?” and “Dislikes?” Under dislikes, DH had answered “gingers”. In fact every single student had given this answer apart from one, inevitably red-haired boy who “nobody liked”. Apparently this plan was hatched amongst the year group and everyone “had” to go along with it. DH, whose own mother is a redhead, threw the yearbook away and claimed to his parents he never got one as he was so ashamed and afraid of what she would say. He was mortified at me seeing it. Needless to say, his friends thought it was hilarious as “one of us was bound to end up with one!” I was just furious and couldn’t understand why the teachers at the school would allow that to happen. You just couldn’t say it about any other group of people.

The thing is, I’ve always loved my hair colour. Not just learned to love it in later life but even as a child. I remember once looking in the mirror in the bathroom at my grandfather’s house and being fascinated by the way it caught the light and how in certain light it looked auburn, others bright orange, others more brunette… I love the way it looks on others too and I’ve never understood why it provokes such reactions of hatred – and why these reactions are validated and encouraged.