To think it’s insensitive for slim people to talk about how fat they are around fat people?

[treesandbirdsandbees]

Today at work a group of women were talking about how they’re all starting a diet because they are all ‘getting so fat and disgusting’ and how they can’t possibly get any bigger because they’d be embarrassed to leave the house and one of them who is single was saying she’d never meet a man if she was any bigger because no men ‘would ever find a fattie attractive’.

None of them are over a size 10

I am overweight. I am trying to lose it and it is gradually reducing but slowly and I know it’s my problem and other people shouldn’t moderate their conversation because of it but am I being unreasonable to think it’s insensitive to go on about it so much and make such offensive comments around people who really are overweight?

I don’t think it was aimed at me or that they were trying to be nasty but it made me feel uncomfortable as if that’s what they think of people who are overweight then it must be what they think of me.

[DottyDooRidesAgain]

YABU. There conversation was about themselves. They were talking about how they feel about their weight.

You cannot censor every conversation about weight in case it upsets you. You do not have the monopoly on it just because you are over weight.

[RedToothBrush]

Dress size does not = fat.

I would be overweight if I was a size 10.

But my friend who is a size 14 isn't.

It depends on your size and build.

I personally, don't feel comfortable around women larger than me talking about diets all the time, regardless of whether they need to go on one or not. I find it rather thoughtless and rude, because it puts you into a situation where whatever you say is going to sound wrong or patronising. And if you don't participate somehow, you are effectively excluded or separating yourself. I generally consider my friends to be extremely attractive in their own way, don't necessarily think they would benefit from loosing weight and just wished they were happier in themselves without feeling the need to obsess about their weight.

Not to mention virtually every time I hear women talking about diets I simply think they are completely clueless and the diet they are on is a total load of crap and they missing the real point of how to eat healthly.

Everyone should just be banned about talking about diets because its boring, just winds up EVERYONE, makes everyone paranoid and frankly cos 99% of diets are a crock of old shit anyway.

[HappyYoni]

I still can't believe that all those saying that they are a size 8 or 10 or whatever but still feel fat can't see the insensitivity of saying that in front on someone who is maybe a size 18! No one is saying you shouldn't feel unhappy with your weight or do something about it, but maybe just don't go on about how big you think you are when there is someone there much much bigger than you!

[Fluffyears]

I worked with someone who was 5' 10'' and a size 10-12 and was slimmest in our office but moaned incessantly about being fat.

She went on a diet and bored me to tears talking about it, I'm a size 18 and have struggled with my weight for a few years.

Once she put on weight and for three full fucking long days all I heard about was 'I put a pound and a quarter on, I'm so disgusted to gain sooo much weight. A pound and a quarter is a disgrace'. On the third day of this going on and on and on and on and on I held up my hand and said 'I do not want to hear this again I have put on a stone I have had shits that weigh more than what you gained. SHUT UP!' She look confused for a second and then went back on about it. I had to remove myself before I attacked her with my stapler.

Diet and food talk unless it's nice food bores the life outta me.

[CeliaFate]

Perhaps they're also doing it for health reasons.
I'm a size 12 and weigh less than 10 stones, but I have a big midriff which I'm trying to reduce, as it's out of proportion and makes me miserable.
I have mentioned it in the company of other friends, not to make bigger people feel uncomfortable, but because it's a concern of mine.
YABU to think people shouldn't talk about weight loss when they're lighter than you, but YANBU if they're being cruel and unkind about overweight people in general.

[Beastofburden]

I don't think the OP expects ppl not to want to manage their weight. It was specifically the comments about "disgusting" that she objected to.

TBH I would object a bit to that too, in the same way as I object when ppl say something is "spastic" meaning "useless". Not because I personally have cerebral palsy, but because its a nasty way to talk about a condition that affects other people.

Young people especially can be very dismissive and disrespectful without really meaning it. This kind of casual nastiness is often a habit; I bet they don't treat the OP personally as if she is a disgusting person.

In anthropology terms, they are grooming one another, it is bonding talk, they are going through some conventional "diet-talk" that probably dates from school days. So, OP, I doubt they really do think that about overweight ppl. But it would be nice if they could grow out of making that kind of comment. They probably will, especially if they like and value you as a colleague.

[Ruebarb]

Hear hear redtoothbrush along with those who talk about how hard up they are financially - yawn -people who are really hard up don't want to talk about it. I was always taught it was rude to talk about how little or how much money you did or did not have - I know people who are really hard up and my heart goes out to them - but they would never want it discussed or commented upon by others

[HappyYoni]

Celia I understand it's a concern of yours, it's just that personally I would choose to keep quiet about such concerns if I was clearly in the company of people with much bigger concerns.
As I said, doesn't matter if it's weight, spots, money, I wouldn't moan about something that's making me unhappy if I knew there were other people there who had it much worse.

[Sallystyle]

The only thing that was wrong of them was the horrible comments they made about fat people around someone who is overweight.

That was mean. I am sure they didn't think anything of it but that is insensitive.

I am slim in most peoples eyes but I feel fat right now. My stomach has too much flab on although no one can see it in clothes. I have put on half a stone at a guess and while I am still a size 10 I feel huge and uncomfortable. And yes, I have told my morbidly obese friend how I feel and she doesn't care. She is much more confident in her own skin than I ever will be though.

I am not going to not mention my weight just because someone around me is much bigger than me. Where do you draw the line? can someone for example, not moan about their child's behaviour because mine has special needs which makes his behaviour very hard to deal with? I remember being at school and hating people moaning about their fathers and thought they were insensitive because I would do anything to have one I could moan about! There is always going to be someone out there who is fatter than us, has it harder than us, so I don't see why I can't moan about my weight around someone bigger than me just incase it makes them feel bad.

Another example: I had awful adult acne. My friend moaned because she had a few spots. I would never expect her to not moan about her few spots just because I was going through treatment for cystic acne. My acne didn't take away the fact that she felt bad about her mild skin complaint.

[RedToothBrush]

If its a health concern, then treat it like a health issue. Health issues generally don't end up being the sole topic of conversation and they involve following medical advice rather than the latest faddy diet.

Go to weight watchers or similar if you want to talk about it with other people. Don't do it in a work environment where everyone then ends up getting sucked into the void of self doubt about themselves.

[PlumpPartridge]

Saying 'I want to lose weight because I am uncomfortable as I am' = fine.

Saying 'if I get any larger then all men will find me repellent, because fatties are repellent' = SO not fine.

There is a difference.

[CeliaFate]

I agree with that PlumpPartridge.
But I also agree with U2TheEdge - where can you draw the line about what's acceptable to talk about in open conversation. Someone will always be offended about something.

OP, I would take them to task about openly offensive "sizeist" comments.

[PlumpPartridge]

Yes, the social niceties are a bit fuzzy in this regard!

I think generally we conduct conversations (or at least I do) keeping half a metaphorical eye open for any signs of discomfort in other parties. This is often restricted to the parties involved in the conversation, so any potential discomfort felt by people who are merely nearby may not be noticed until it's a bit late to backtrack. Also, sometimes you can make the situation even MORE awkward by assuming they'll be offended.

e.g. 'Oh my god, I feel SOO fat today - I'm, like, a size twelve. Whoops - no offence Carol.'

It's a minefield basically, isn't it. I think the best approach is to take each situation on a case-by-case basis (although in this case I do think the women might have been a bit insensitive to have the conversation in a public place where they could be easily overheard by colleagues who they knew were present).

[Burren]

Look, no one is suggesting that people who are under a certain dress size/have a BMI within normal range aren't allowed to want to change their bodies or to bore on about diets (though I agree with those who find it duller than watching grey paint dry), but it's basic good manners to consider the feelings of those in your company when you speak.

Yes, these women were (probably) not consciously intending to be hurtful to the OP, but, frankly, they should have considered her feelings, the way any of us should when opening our mouths in someone else's company. It would be equally insensitive to complain about the difficulty of funding the mortgage and school fees in front of someone who is struggling to put food on the table. That's not to denigrate the first person's problem, and it's not censorship, but surely we all semi-automatically consider who we're talking to before embarking on a topic?

The difference in the situations being that it's possible a colleague wouldn't know about someone's financial difficulties, but weight is literally right there in the room.

[Deverethemuzzler]

Do you think they even notice you are overweight?

I wouldn't know the dress size of someone standing in front of me unless they had their clothes on inside out.

Do you think you might be guilty of falling into the trap of thinking that any who is a 'size 10' spends their entire life judging the size of other people?

Because people do that a lot. I don't give a toss how much someone else weighs and I don't know how many calories there are in anything, I take sugar in my tea and I don't think 'fat' people are disgusting.

Apparently all of the above is startling information to people

[VampyreofTimeandMemory]

I sort of agree - I used to work with a very slim woman who was always on about being a 'fattie'. I'm not exactly fat but fatter than her so by her logic, pretty much gigantic.

[Tryharder]

I read this thread this early morning and thought about it a bit as my initial response was YANBU but a lot of people seemed to think it fine for 'thin' women to moan about weight in front of fatter people.

I agree that it's fine to say you want to lose a few pounds if you've put on weight and are generally slim.

But I think what the OP means is women who are slim and secretly know they are slim but make comments about how fat and disgusting they are in order to seek attention and compliments.

E.g

A: Oh my God, I am SOOOOO fat and repulsive, I just can't live with myself being a size 10.

Everyone else: Noooooo! you have a gorgeous figure, I wish I was as slim as you, you don't need to lose weight at all....

Etc etc

[WorraLiberty]

But that is so often assumed by larger people Tryharder and very often it's just not true.

If someone who is considered by another person to be a 'slim woman' talks about losing weight, there is every possibility that she does actually want to/need to lose weight.

Dismissing her as simply attention seeking, says a lot about the person doing the dismissing.

[maninawomansworld]

Insensitive? Yes it possibly is but they weren't aiming it at you personally. We are rapidly becoming the type of society that is always on the lookout for something to be offended by and it's pathetic.

Seriously, don't give them the time of day and get on with your own life.
I'm sure everyone has said something a bit thoughtless and been overheard at some time or another (even you) - it's just life.

[MaryWestmacott]

Another question OP, you said the group started talking about it, were you part of that group at the time? Were you part of the conversation or just in the room? I might not consider discussing the fact I wanted to lose weight to someone who was a lot larger than me, but if I was talking to people who were thinner/about the same size, I might not think to check who else might overhear and be offended at me discribing myself as disgusting. (Not that I would)

Tryharder - it is perfectly possble to be a size 10 and fat if you are short, it's not attention seeking to go on a diet if you are a couple of dress sizes bigger than your ideal, in fact it's far more sensible to cut out the crap and start increasing exercise when it's 1-2 dress sizes rather than 6-8 dress sizes to shift. Some people will leave it until they are obese to start tackling eating and exercise habits, others take action when the weight starts to creep up a bit.

[MannishBoy]

I don't get why overhearing something that other people said, that didn't involve nor was about you could be seen as insensitive to you?

Are they supposed to only talk in whispers, or just wait until someone who might be offended isn't in ear shot?

There are bigger things to be worrying about.

[Sicaq]

Worra, you say you find diet talk boring and that you have no weight issues ... yet you pop up in every single weight thread. As do I, to be fair.

Interesting!

[normalishdude]

YABU

[RedToothBrush]

I find it boring, however I also have found it to be something that seems to be only seen by one side and has therefore affected me in real life in various ways.

I find myself feeling judged by the opinions of others. Frequently the most common thing is a feeling of being excluded or dismissed. Its very competitive and very jealous. I also am unable to say that someone is beautiful if I genuinely think they are, without being looked at as patronising or getting the 'its alright for you to say that'. And it doesn't mean that I don't have insecurities about the way I look. They are not lesser than someone who is bigger than me. People have different levels of coping, so can affect them to greater or lesser extents.

Plus the way you look, is MORE than whats underneath the clothes. Loads of women can be incredibly sexy and stylish in what they wear and have great hair for example.

The trouble is I do find that women judge themselves and others purely on looks and I seriously dislike that culture and feel it needs challenging. There is a lot more to us than that. You don't get men obsessing over it at work to the same degree. You don't get men bonding with each other about how 'bad' they look. Its damaging to us all.

Its different to other subjects in that respect. Talking about other subjects tends not to undermine self confidence in the same way.

[Crinkle77]

Do you think it was deliberate OP and that is why you are upset? Are they usually bitchy?