Ex is stopping maintenance payments when DD2 leaves junior school

[Carrie370]

I have 2 DDs, 13 and 11. Both have been to private schools since reception, and my younger DD starts senior school in September. Their father and I separated 5 years ago (never married, and he has no parental rights in law as they were both born after Dec 2003) and have had a private financial arrangement up until now. He now maintains that the £400 a month he has been paying me was his contribution to DD2's fees until she left junior school, and that since he didn't agree to sending them to private senior school, these payments will stop in July. We have always had shared care 50/50, although on top of paying the school fees, I have paid for everything else too (music lessons, school trips, uniform, holiday childcare, etc, etc).

My DD2 has organisational issues, and is on the learning support radar; both current and future schools have suggested that this is not helped by the constant change of house during the week, and so I have decided to have them with me on 4 school nights. My ex does not accept that this means he will be liable for maintenance, thinks I am doing this just to try to get more money out of him (he has never read DD's ed psych report or been to any parent's meetings) and still states that he owes me nothing. He earns a good salary (as do I), but he and his new wife appear to have saddled themselves with a massive mortgage, such that he says he cannot afford to pay towards any of the girls' 'extras' (never mind the fees, which I have long-accepted I will have to pay).

I am bristling with fury (and before anyone calls me a privileged rich bitch, yes I am aware that my question may seem trivial to those really struggling). Does anyone know if I can pursue him via a solicitor, or do I have to go via the CSA (or whatever it is called now)?

Sorry for the long, ranting post!

[Fluffycloudland77]

If he's just got a huge mortgage did he declare his maintenance payments to the mortgage provider?

If he didn't then that's fraud, isn't it?.

[TensionWheelsCoolHeels]

Am I right in saying that you buy full (private school) uniform/kit, foot the bill on holiday childcare, buy all clothes/shoes and pay all extra curricular activities, party gifts as they arise from invites, as well as pay for all school fees x 2? Take both DC to any/all appointments & attend school meetings? And for the past 5 years, your ex has (under agreement) paid £400 p/m towards those costs? How much of a dent in the monthly costs you have incurred over the past 5 years did that £400 make?

I think if there was a clear 50/50 split in everything, then I doubt the £400 would be an issue at all because your ex would be recognising the actual cost & contributing accordingly if his own earnings allowed. If he's now claiming he can't afford the £400 p/m despite earning £60k>, then he's fucked up his finances somewhere, at the expense of his own DC. Their education should mean something - saying you will no longer support your 2nd child's education when that means a huge disruption to all 3 of you (as you having to get 2 DC to 2 separate schools is a huge issue IMO) is a petty, vindictive thing to do, if you can actually afford it. Given that he's not supporting his own home on that £60k> alone, I'm calling bullshit on that excuse.

YANBU to be pissed off, and yes I think you should take legal advice on what your ex can be compelled to contribute towards the financial cost of supporting his own DC outside the food he feeds them when they are with him. Like others I can't believe the posters validating the actions of a father who behaves the way your ex does.

[MyFairyKing]

I feel like I'm on another planet to some of you people! OP got maintenance (nearly £5k per year) for the girls to cover all those extras that "she" has always paid for plus shared care. Legally, for the last 5 years, she would not have been entitled to maintenance, so he was being more than fair.

With the new situation, he is being U but so are you, OP. I can see why he's clearly so angry with you.

[MumsKnitter]

OP. Go for it.You are not being greedy nor vengeful at all. You obviously spend far more of your income on your DDs than your ex does. And he does have the responsibility to provide a reasonable amount for them. If you have them 4 nights a week (and provide way more than 50% of the money spent on them) then the CSA will make him pay a reasonable amount. I don't think it matters that he's on a relatively high wage; the formula will still apply. My ex earns over £150k and the CSA formula still applied. The responsible parent has to make the big decisions, as the 'fun' parent isn't really sufficiently interested. I no longer use the CSA, and have a private arrangement with my ex (though still based on the CSA formula), as I didn't want him paying high CSA charges when they came into effect - money none of us would have got! We still trust each other, and he still pays half of big school trips on top of CM, though he needn't, as he knows I can't earn due to disabilities.

[TOADfan]

As someone who works in this area I would say keep to the family based arrangement. It's better for the children and also you will both be charged when the new CMS charging comes in. Plus you will be charged *£20 just for applying.

Try to make it work.

[TwinkleTwinkleStarlight]

ex H wasn't happy about private schooling for secondary he should have raised it before she started

He did. He gets no say however as he doesn't have PR.

[gobbynorthernbird]

He isn't responsible for things that are extra that he hasn't agreed to pay for, and given that he has had 50% responsibility he should have had an equal say. There are things that I wanted my DC to do, and my ex wouldn't see as important, so I paid for them.

[Inthedarkaboutfashion]

Twinkle - did he raise if before the eldest one started secondary school? It doesn't sound like it from what the OP has written. It sounds like he has raised it now the younger one is due to start secondary as he doesn't want to pay towards anything except the good when he has them overnight. Even if he has them 50% of the time (not including school fees) he should be paying for 50% of clothing. School meals, school bus fare, uniforms, shoes, school trips, pocket money. All of that x 2 children = more than £0

[TwinkleTwinkleStarlight]

I still think the 'I'm not paying anything' is in response to unilaterally being told that his contact is changing. He is obviously upset.

Inthedark he is still paying £400 a month and 50:50 care at the moment.

[fifi669]

Pocket money isn't essential. School trips (normal ones not skiing holidays)/uniform/shoes/normal clothes yes. I do think he should take his daughters shopping, it doesn't mean necessarily handing money over, he can do that himself. School dinner, no. He provides dinner when he had them, same for OP.

[fifi669]

Also if OP claimed for CM it goes by the date of claim not the date of orivste arrangement so it would be 2014 and new rules.

[Inthedarkaboutfashion]

At the moment. He won't be doing when the youngest finishes junior school. Obviously they won't need shoes or clothes etc after the age of 11.
It might be better for OPs youngest to be in one house during the school week, heck not might even be better for the eldest too. OP; had your ex asked if he can make up lost contact time by having them more in the school holidays?

[TeacupDrama]

if he went to court he would almost certainly get legal parental responsibility on the basis of previous 50/50 care and the £400 a month, while technically he does not have PR there is no reasonable ground for it being refused legally and then of course he would legally have input into schooling decisions

[Carrie370]

I take time off with them when they are sick (and pay the time back later). I do all the school evenings, doctor's appointments, school play costume meetings, fete stalls, etc, etc. And I have a full-time job. My ex works abroad during the week, and devolves childcare to the new wife. He expects his children to do extracurricular activities, but de facto isn't willing to pay for them. He doesn't have an equal say, because he accepts no responsibility, financial or otherwise. He is, in fact, a c**t. His actions cannot be validated, nor his stance considered reasonable.

There are many people here who are allowing the private school thing to muddy the waters. I have said, ad nauseam, that I consider that an expense that I am willing to pay for, do not consider him liable for if he thinks it extravagant, and am not including it in the equation. Those who point out that he chose a certain lifestyle for his DC, and would now rather apply that to himself are spot-on. He earns >60K. 'nuff said.

[Inthedarkaboutfashion]

School dinner, no. He provides dinner when he had them, same for OP.

How many secondary kids do you know who take a packed lunch to school?
And most secondary aged kids get pocket money as it's quite normal for teenagers to socialise and top up their phones.

[Inthedarkaboutfashion]

If he is working abroad and leaving the kids with his new wife then it's perfectly reasonable to reduce his contact to when he is actually available to have contact.

[sexypantsformum]

So what does the £400 a month you currently receive go towards paying?

[ElizaDolittle2]

Well if he is abroad what do you want him to do? He can't take them with him.

I agree with teacup if he took this to court he would probably get PR. He may not do drs etc (and I'm not saying that that is right) because he feels like he has no say. With no PR you can just over rule any decision.

This type of discussion is always an emotive issue, and you are going to get different views from people.

[fifi669]

I took a packed lunch to school.... I actually only got 50p a week pocket money of my gdad.... This wasn't the olden days either, I'm 31. Whatever you think they aren't essentials like clothes. They're an option. I admit most of my friends had loads more than I did, I survived :)

If ex wants them to have eg music lessons then tell him he's responsible for it from now on. If you want them to do ballet, you pay.

[TwinkleTwinkleStarlight]

He doesn't have an equal say, because he accepts no responsibility, financial or otherwise.

You have said he has no PR therefore realistically he doesn't have an equal say.

How many secondary kids do you know who take a packed lunch to school?

Quite a few actually.

[LaurieFairyCake]

If he works abroad you're going to find it hard to get money out of him aren't you?

I think you should have the children much more if he's not even there.

[MyFairyKing]

Not sure why you are repeatedly pointing out his salary when yours is fairly decent too as you are not entitled to child benefit. He may be a "cunt" but you aren't sounding so lovely either.

[Inthedarkaboutfashion]

I didn't get any pocket money and I got free school meals but this isn't a poverty competition. When parents are able to provide more than the bare essentials for their children they bloody well should. On £60k+ he can afford to pay for 50% of his kids upkeep. The OP isn't even expecting help with school fees, she just wants help with the other costs which isn't unreasonable.

[ElizaDolittle2]

I agree with what Myfairyking has said.

[Luggagecarousel]

I don't get this packed lunch question. surely well over half of secondary kids take a pack lunch to school.

Actually, I don't get this whole thread.