Ex is stopping maintenance payments when DD2 leaves junior school

[Carrie370]

I have 2 DDs, 13 and 11. Both have been to private schools since reception, and my younger DD starts senior school in September. Their father and I separated 5 years ago (never married, and he has no parental rights in law as they were both born after Dec 2003) and have had a private financial arrangement up until now. He now maintains that the £400 a month he has been paying me was his contribution to DD2's fees until she left junior school, and that since he didn't agree to sending them to private senior school, these payments will stop in July. We have always had shared care 50/50, although on top of paying the school fees, I have paid for everything else too (music lessons, school trips, uniform, holiday childcare, etc, etc).

My DD2 has organisational issues, and is on the learning support radar; both current and future schools have suggested that this is not helped by the constant change of house during the week, and so I have decided to have them with me on 4 school nights. My ex does not accept that this means he will be liable for maintenance, thinks I am doing this just to try to get more money out of him (he has never read DD's ed psych report or been to any parent's meetings) and still states that he owes me nothing. He earns a good salary (as do I), but he and his new wife appear to have saddled themselves with a massive mortgage, such that he says he cannot afford to pay towards any of the girls' 'extras' (never mind the fees, which I have long-accepted I will have to pay).

I am bristling with fury (and before anyone calls me a privileged rich bitch, yes I am aware that my question may seem trivial to those really struggling). Does anyone know if I can pursue him via a solicitor, or do I have to go via the CSA (or whatever it is called now)?

Sorry for the long, ranting post!

[edamsavestheday]

He sounds difficult, and selfish. What are your hopes of persuading him that you both need to put the children first? Doesn't sound like that has occurred to him, or certainly not been practised by him...

[Carrie370]

Laurie I am footing the bill for everything (apart from the odd pack of knickers from Primark). Even birthday presents for parties (if I don't supply them, the friend doesn't receive one)

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

It sounds like he is reacting badly to his access arrangements being changed and just lashing out? He's hardly going to insist on his second child going to a different school when his oldest has a scholarship? That would be nuts unless she was genuinely struggling there.

Either way, you need to not make it about your choice to send your children to private school with all that entails. For medical reasons, it has been recommended that your second child stays at home for the majority of the time. On the advice of medical professionals his term time access is being reduced. Have you discussed holidays etc as to whether or not he can have greater access then?

Irritating as hell. Can you arrange mediation sessions to discuss before heading to the CSA?

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I can see this from both sides really. I can see that you are doing the hard grunt, day to day stuff that needs to be done, that you are paying over the odds and feeling stressed dealing with all the needs you have to juggle. I can see that he probably thinks that he has the children 50%, is also a parent but his views are being sidelined. I would assume, if I were him, that the change in access WAS engineered to cause a change in payments. I would want to see my children more and would feel that you wanted more money, more say and more time with them. All seems very unfair.

[WorraLiberty]

the school don't have a say; they have advised me, as a result of my DD's ed psych report. As the parent with PR, I have decided that is what is in her interests.

Yes, but you have 2 DDs. So why does the other one's access arrangement have to be changed too?

[Carrie370]

Edam he has always buried his head in the sand. I am trying to do the right thing for the girls, but he ignores my emails and texts, so there is no hope of an adult discussion any more. Hence my posting here, to see what others think. He has never done anything for the girls other than the 'fun parts'

[Soggysandpit]

By most people's standards he is a very high earner (>60K)

That isn't such a high wage to pay private fees out of - a family with two earners at that level and a mortgage might struggle to pay school fees. Not saying that you're in the wrong, just something to be aware of. Is that his actual income or do you think he's hiding other income?

[Carrie370]

Worral it would be an utter nightmare to have them with different arrangements. It is hard enough juggling a fulltime job with childcare. They are sisters, and I don't want them split up as well!

[Carrie370]

Soggy I'm not asking him to pay school fees. I'm asking him to pay for a reasonable proportion of all the other things that children need, especially when they start secondary school. I don't think that is unreasonable.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

To date he's paid 400 a month and had 50:50 access so he can hardly be called a deadbeat dad, though I can't see how 400 a month begins to touch the sides of two kids in private school and all other expenses of raising them.

[Carrie370]

treadsoftly it isn't about the private schooling. And the refusal to pay any maintenance came BEFORE any suggestion of change in access arrangements, just to be clear. Yes, it may look like I'm manipulating him, but that is not the case.

[Viviennemary]

If he has them half the week should he be paying any maintenance at all. I don't think you can insist on private school fees being paid.

[PragmaticWench]

Have you considered mediation? I suggest it because you've managed to be amicable enough to have 50:50 care until now, and it may be more conducive to reaching an agreement than going straight down the solicitor route. Obviously it might not be an option for you.

[LaurieFairyCake]

I think it's sticky.

You have no choice but to lower contact levels to look after the needs of one of your daughters.

And even though contact and child support aren't intertwined the only way you're going to get any money out of him is to reduce contact.

I'm not sure it's a definite though if the above went to court - there's no guarantee that the court would agree with the report when you've previously had 50:50.

What about trying to persuade him to pay for half the stuff they need?

[WorraLiberty]

Has anyone asked your DDs what they actually want?

[ikeaismylocal]

I think the only thing you can insist he pays for is clothing and food. Hobbies, trips, private education are all luxuries, many parents choose not to pay for those things, it would be great if he was willing to pay for them but I don't think you can dictate that he must pay for them.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

Firstly I would get legal advice if you are changing contact arrangements. I would try to go to mediation as well with the reports etc.
As someone who has changed contact arrangements from 50:50 on the basis of child welfare I have ad the advice. If you go to court a CAFCASS report will be ordered. The CAFCASS officer will speak to both parents, the child and the school to produce a report about the independent view of what is best for the child. The judge will listen to all representations and then rule. Yes the court will move away from 50:50 if there is compelling evidence that it is the best interest of the child.

[Oakmaiden]

He sounds difficult, and selfish.

Really? He looked after the children 50-50 and paid £400 pcm maintenance (when he didn't need to pay any, due to the access arrangements).

OP then asks him to pay more money. When he says "No, actually I can't really afford what I am paying" (and remember legally speaking he doesn't need to pay any at this point) she retaliates (from his point of view at least) by saying "Well in that case I am going to reduce the amount of time you are having them. Then you will have to pay me money. Look, it is on the advice of the school's Ed Psych".

I can certainly see how he feels he is being badly treated and manipulated. It may not be the OPs intention at all, but I can see his side of it.

On a side note - my experience with school Ed Psychs is pretty grim and I wouldn't change my child's life around on their say so...

[Hakluyt]

If they were born after 2003 then surely he does have automatic parental rights if he is on the birth certificate?

[Viviennemary]

Difficult and selfish when he has the chidlren half the week and pays £400 a month maintentance. I really don't know what planet some people are on. And he has no parental rights which the OP seems to be now intending to use as a weapon to change the resident arrangements. I think the poor man is getting a really raw deal.

[JohnnyBarthes]

Are you sure about the PR side? My partner didn't get automatic PR in 2000, despite being on the birth certificate. I thought the law changed after that so that being on the birth certificate gives PR automatically for children born later than two thousand and something.

[TwinkleTwinkleStarlight]

You need to double check the PR. I don't think what you have said is right either.

I have googled and it says that he does have PR if named on birth certificate.

[Hakluyt]

From //www.gov.uk
"2. Who has parental responsibility
A mother automatically has parental responsibility for her child from birth.

A father usually has parental responsibility if he’s:

married to the child’s mother
listed on the birth certificate (after a certain date, depending on which part of the UK the child was born in)
You can apply for parental responsibility if you don’t automatically have it.

Births registered in England and Wales
If the parents of a child are married when the child is born, or if they’ve jointly adopted a child, both have parental responsibility.

They both keep parental responsibility if they later divorce.

Unmarried parents

An unmarried father can only get legal responsibility for his child in 1 of 3 ways:

jointly registering the birth of the child with the mother (from 1 December 2003)
getting a parental responsibility agreement with the mother
getting a parental responsibility order from a court