To not have the emotional energy for 'proper' friendships?

[LoganMountstuart]

When I was at university I had lots of friends who I spent ages talking to about everything under the sun and lots of personal stuff. Now, a few years on, I just don't have the energy for that sort of best-friend relationships other people talk about, where you talk about personal stuff all the time and spend lots of time together. I've got a husband, and obviously I talk to him about life and problems etc. and the same with a couple of close family members. but I don't feel the need to do this with anyone else.

I have lots of acquaintances and social friends, some of whom I see very often. But I'm discovering I'm quite a private person and don't want to talk about anything 'serious'. I'd rather keep social interaction light and amusing. This doesn't seem to have affected my popularity - people still seem to want to meet up with me - but sometimes I wonder whether I should make an effort to foster friendships with more emotional depth. Just wondering how normal I am really!

[MandarinCheesecake]

YANBU, I have found as I have got older I just haven't got the headspace and energy to deal with it anymore.

I also find myself becoming more of a closed book, I don't want or need to discuss my problems with others so don't, (apart from my mum that is I talk to her about everything, no one understands me like my mum does!)

So much easier when you're not emotionally invested in a friendship.

[Trillions]

You do have close friends; they just happen to be married/related to you. HTH.

[shakethetree]

YANBU - in fact, you sound like just the sort of friend I want.

[justkeeponsmiling]

Are you me??
Seriously, I'm exactly like you and have been struggling for quite a while now to put how I feel about close friendships into words. Was lovely reading your post as it described me exactly and also made me feel like less of a weirdo.
Thanks :)

[LoganMountstuart]

No problem justkeepon!

I meant close friends as in 'soul-baring' type of thing. Obviously I am close to my husband, but if we're having a problem I don't talk to anyone else about it. With my family, again, I don't often talk about problems in my life.

Mandarin - 'closed book' is a good description. It's not that I don't enjoy the social interaction side of friendships, it's more the emotional closeness I don't get.

[CallMeExhausted]

I am the same way.

I try not to see it as a shortcoming, but my life is too full, and I have no energy at all.

I have a DD whose medical issues are severe and she takes a significant amount of my time and energy, a DS whose developmental issues overshadow his potential at school (and who, after 15 years, has finally stopped flying under the radar and will hopefully get some support once the report comes in stating essentially that he has the mind of a 24 year old, the body of a 16 year old, but the functional skills of an 8 year old), a DH who is finally back to work after nearly 2 years of unemployment/underemployment, and medical issues of my own that are not being treated because I can't afford the medication.

For a reason that I have honestly never understood, I am also one of those people who other feel really comfortable unloading on - so I have become the sounding post for many of my acquaintances who also have medically fragile children.

Honest to goodness friendships? I have neither the time or the energy for them. I don't even know how they work any more.

[ChasedByBees]

I'm too tired since I had DD to speak to anyone really.

I used to have friends, I don't really have many anymore, although I luckily have some of those friendships that you don't see for ages and can pick up where we left off. I'm really thankful for those people. Right now I don't have the energy anymore to do anything.

[OberonTheHopeful]

I don't think there is anything at all wrong with not wanting to be close to people, it is an absolutely valid choice, provided that you are completely honest and upfront about it. I do not think it is alright to encourage people to get close to you when you feel unable to reciprocate. This is a general comment (there is nothing in the OP to suggest this is the case here), but I speak from personal and recent experience. The basic rule should be that if you can't give then don't take.

The person concerned consistently claimed to be my 'best' friend for a long time, and partiacularly while getting the support they needed from me (emotionally and materially). For quite a while I was, on request, calling them almost every day. Then when I was suddenly in need of some support (just emotional support really) they deliberately turned their back, and told me they couldn't provide such support. It has left me feeling empty and used. I have no doubt they don't really know what they've done, but I am equally sure they care even less.

Some of it is my own fault, I was way too trusting and didn't heed the signs (the near constant let downs and broken promises especailly). Nevertheless, I disclosed (with encouragement) and awful lot of personal information that they used against me to get what they wanted (as well as to deliberately hurt me). This 'friendship' ended, as a bolt out of the blue to me, when I called them on yet another last minute cancellation (one of several in a row over a few weeks). I got eight ranty and unhinged text messages within a couple of hours, containing some very unpleasant personal insults, followed by silence. In a way it has been quite freeing to realize what a selfish and abusive person they are.

This really is a general comment and I must emphasize that there is nothing like this in the OP. There is nothing whatsoever wrong with not wanting close friendships, but it is so very important to be honest and open about it. If you're not it takes away another person's ability to make free and informed choices for themselves.

[williaminajetfighter]

OP I think you'll find that as people get older they all start to feel like you. Friendships aren't intense, people are busy etc.

But I am a big proponent of having a good circle of friends and not just relying on family for all your support. But I'm the sort of person who, when I hear about women being 'best friends' with their mums, thinks 'weird'!!

[Cruikshank]

williaminajetfighter while what you say about getting older is true to a certain extent, there is another 'friendship phase' that seems to happen once people's kids have all grown up. My dear old mum, for eg, is forever going out for coffees/lunches/drinks/other social meet-ups with various circles of friends. Of course, she kept things going with them while we were young to a certain extent, otherwise she wouldn't have those friends now, but she goes out more often than I do!

[Sicaq]

I'm quite relieved to see that so many people are like me in this respect! I'm the same, OP. I just don't feel drawn to intense friendships anymore, although I did when I was a student. I only even see Himself a few times a year (mind you. he lives abroad), and that suits us very well.

I did have a bad experience with someone once who ended up coming round and phoning every day and wanting to go everywhere with me.

Yeah, I've had a few of these and it is exhausting; the three-hour phone calls five times a week ... I wonder if it's those experiences that have made me more independent.