To not have the emotional energy for 'proper' friendships?

[LoganMountstuart]

When I was at university I had lots of friends who I spent ages talking to about everything under the sun and lots of personal stuff. Now, a few years on, I just don't have the energy for that sort of best-friend relationships other people talk about, where you talk about personal stuff all the time and spend lots of time together. I've got a husband, and obviously I talk to him about life and problems etc. and the same with a couple of close family members. but I don't feel the need to do this with anyone else.

I have lots of acquaintances and social friends, some of whom I see very often. But I'm discovering I'm quite a private person and don't want to talk about anything 'serious'. I'd rather keep social interaction light and amusing. This doesn't seem to have affected my popularity - people still seem to want to meet up with me - but sometimes I wonder whether I should make an effort to foster friendships with more emotional depth. Just wondering how normal I am really!

[Sicaq]

I'm quite relieved to see that so many people are like me in this respect! I'm the same, OP. I just don't feel drawn to intense friendships anymore, although I did when I was a student. I only even see Himself a few times a year (mind you. he lives abroad), and that suits us very well.

I did have a bad experience with someone once who ended up coming round and phoning every day and wanting to go everywhere with me.

Yeah, I've had a few of these and it is exhausting; the three-hour phone calls five times a week ... I wonder if it's those experiences that have made me more independent.

[Cruikshank]

williaminajetfighter while what you say about getting older is true to a certain extent, there is another 'friendship phase' that seems to happen once people's kids have all grown up. My dear old mum, for eg, is forever going out for coffees/lunches/drinks/other social meet-ups with various circles of friends. Of course, she kept things going with them while we were young to a certain extent, otherwise she wouldn't have those friends now, but she goes out more often than I do!

[williaminajetfighter]

OP I think you'll find that as people get older they all start to feel like you. Friendships aren't intense, people are busy etc.

But I am a big proponent of having a good circle of friends and not just relying on family for all your support. But I'm the sort of person who, when I hear about women being 'best friends' with their mums, thinks 'weird'!!

[OberonTheHopeful]

I don't think there is anything at all wrong with not wanting to be close to people, it is an absolutely valid choice, provided that you are completely honest and upfront about it. I do not think it is alright to encourage people to get close to you when you feel unable to reciprocate. This is a general comment (there is nothing in the OP to suggest this is the case here), but I speak from personal and recent experience. The basic rule should be that if you can't give then don't take.

The person concerned consistently claimed to be my 'best' friend for a long time, and partiacularly while getting the support they needed from me (emotionally and materially). For quite a while I was, on request, calling them almost every day. Then when I was suddenly in need of some support (just emotional support really) they deliberately turned their back, and told me they couldn't provide such support. It has left me feeling empty and used. I have no doubt they don't really know what they've done, but I am equally sure they care even less.

Some of it is my own fault, I was way too trusting and didn't heed the signs (the near constant let downs and broken promises especailly). Nevertheless, I disclosed (with encouragement) and awful lot of personal information that they used against me to get what they wanted (as well as to deliberately hurt me). This 'friendship' ended, as a bolt out of the blue to me, when I called them on yet another last minute cancellation (one of several in a row over a few weeks). I got eight ranty and unhinged text messages within a couple of hours, containing some very unpleasant personal insults, followed by silence. In a way it has been quite freeing to realize what a selfish and abusive person they are.

This really is a general comment and I must emphasize that there is nothing like this in the OP. There is nothing whatsoever wrong with not wanting close friendships, but it is so very important to be honest and open about it. If you're not it takes away another person's ability to make free and informed choices for themselves.

[ChasedByBees]

I'm too tired since I had DD to speak to anyone really.

I used to have friends, I don't really have many anymore, although I luckily have some of those friendships that you don't see for ages and can pick up where we left off. I'm really thankful for those people. Right now I don't have the energy anymore to do anything.

[CallMeExhausted]

I am the same way.

I try not to see it as a shortcoming, but my life is too full, and I have no energy at all.

I have a DD whose medical issues are severe and she takes a significant amount of my time and energy, a DS whose developmental issues overshadow his potential at school (and who, after 15 years, has finally stopped flying under the radar and will hopefully get some support once the report comes in stating essentially that he has the mind of a 24 year old, the body of a 16 year old, but the functional skills of an 8 year old), a DH who is finally back to work after nearly 2 years of unemployment/underemployment, and medical issues of my own that are not being treated because I can't afford the medication.

For a reason that I have honestly never understood, I am also one of those people who other feel really comfortable unloading on - so I have become the sounding post for many of my acquaintances who also have medically fragile children.

Honest to goodness friendships? I have neither the time or the energy for them. I don't even know how they work any more.

[LoganMountstuart]

No problem justkeepon!

I meant close friends as in 'soul-baring' type of thing. Obviously I am close to my husband, but if we're having a problem I don't talk to anyone else about it. With my family, again, I don't often talk about problems in my life.

Mandarin - 'closed book' is a good description. It's not that I don't enjoy the social interaction side of friendships, it's more the emotional closeness I don't get.

[justkeeponsmiling]

Are you me??
Seriously, I'm exactly like you and have been struggling for quite a while now to put how I feel about close friendships into words. Was lovely reading your post as it described me exactly and also made me feel like less of a weirdo.
Thanks :)

[shakethetree]

YANBU - in fact, you sound like just the sort of friend I want.

[Trillions]

You do have close friends; they just happen to be married/related to you. HTH.

[MandarinCheesecake]

YANBU, I have found as I have got older I just haven't got the headspace and energy to deal with it anymore.

I also find myself becoming more of a closed book, I don't want or need to discuss my problems with others so don't, (apart from my mum that is I talk to her about everything, no one understands me like my mum does!)

So much easier when you're not emotionally invested in a friendship.

[FlimFlamFloo]

i do have a best friend and we do talk loads and occasionally do the 2am wine thing .

they are someone to whom i can whinge too and laugh with.

[TheHorseHasBolted]

YANBU - in fact I think you sound very similar to me in a lot of ways and I'm feeling rather relieved that perhaps IANBU after all!

[PrincessBabyCat]

I have a bunch of acquaintances but very few close friends. Most of my conversations are pretty shallow, I don't do the bottle of wine until 2am talks. But I'm happy with that. I don't need more than 1 or 2 close friends to keep me happy in life. :)

[HayDayQueen]

I thought I was becoming like that, but I've managed to make a friend who is on my wave length, out of the blue. It was such a nice surprise. We get along really well. Bonus is our sons do too, as do our DH's. So sometimes we even let them share in our outings!!!

[littlegreengloworm]

I have become more insular as I've got older. Two very close friendships aren't as close anymore. We don't have much in common. I'm so tired and also private. One of the friends is so nosy I hate telling her anything. When you tell her stuff, it comes sick at you the following week with a snide comment. She moaned and moaned all the time (we all like an odd letting off steam session but this was relentless)

Is all too much hard work :(

[DarkHeart]

I am the same. I have discovered I am quite an insular person and find close friendships exhausting. Until recently I had a friend who constantly wanted to talk about the serious stuff, we are no longer in contact for different reasons but I have found it a great relief not to have someone so needy around. I often worry it makes me a selfish person but I can't help it.

[whois]

Not u at all. Some relationships are deep, but some friendships you can have a lovely evening and lots of fun with someone without needing to be all deep and meaningful. You can enjoy people's company and be happy to hang out without feeling like you have to text every day or whatever.

[heraldgerald]

Me too

[coffeeinbed]

I can't do it.

I used to have some very close friends but now I can't face investing the time and the energy I used to.
I did miss it for a while, but I feel free now.

Of course I might just be a selfish cow.

[MrWalletwithMothsonboard]

Loops.

[MrWalletwithMothsonboard]

Oh don't be sad. I meant on top of my work which is very sociable, and close relationships with two lovely sisters, a DIL and various aquaintences. I did have a bad experience with someone once who ended up coming round and phoning every day and wanting to go everywhere with me.

It must be lovely if you do have a proper friendship with respect for boundaries etc.

[MrWalletwithMothsonboard]

Oh don't be sad. I meant on top of my work which is very sociable, and close relationships with two lovely sisters, a DIL and various aquaintences. I did have a bad experience with someone once who ended up coming round and phoning every day and wanting to go everywhere with me.

It must be lovely if you do have a proper friendship with respect for boundaries etc.

[cardibach]

MrWallet you have the wrong friends...real friends wouldn't huff about birthday cards - and if they are real friends you wouldn't forget anyway unless you had a good reason.
I haven't the emotional energy to do without good friends. I value their support and hope they value mine. Bit of an odd attitude, I think, although the OP at least has those relationships with DH and family.
YANBU if that's how you feel, but IAABS (I am a bit sad) for you.

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

As to whether you should foster these friendships-why if you are happy with your existing circle, it sounds lovely to be close to husband and family. You are not isolated or anti-social so I don't really think there is an issue.