To think I should be over school bullying by now?

[PinkHamster]

I'm 23 and I left school seven years ago so you would think that would be plenty of time to get over anything that happened in school.

I was badly bullied pretty much all throughout secondary school. It actually started in the last two years of primary school but it was pretty mild at that point - just name calling by one or two people. However when I started secondary school it pretty much all took off. It wasn't one or two people any more, it was pretty much a good portion of the year group who bullied me every day and those who didn't were too afraid to be friends with me in case they were next.

I won't go into too much detail but the bullying continued all the way from Year 7 to year 11 and it's embarrassing to say this but it still effects me today even though I know it was just silly school kid stuff and I should be over it by now.

It's not even necessarily big stuff, it's more subtle. For instance I'm always highly suspicious of anyone who wants to be friends with me because I have no self esteem and I always wonder why they would want to be friends with me. I think it's because I spent so long being hated by so many people. It's the same with relationships - I'm always suspicious of any man who shows an interest in me. At school boys would always ask me out as a joke whilst everyone would be standing around laughing. Then the boys would always laugh too and say things like "only joking, hamster, no one in their right mind would ever go out with you, you're too ugly!" which would cue more laughter. When I did start going out with someone for real everyone found this hilarious and I spent the whole time with people coming up to me asking if my boyfriend was blind, on happy pills, needed glasses or was just insane. So now whenever anybody appears interested in me I always think it's all part of some big joke and wonder how anyone could be attracted to me. This stems from being asked out as a joke so many times for so long and being told how ugly I was and how nobody could be attracted to me.

I can still remember every single nasty name they called me and everything that was said about me. I still live in the same town as some of them and see them sometimes and I'm always terrified that they're going to start hurling abuse at me just like they used to.

I did try telling the teachers several times but I don't think they cared because they never actually did anything. Once in PE a girl hit me hard with a rounders bat right in front of the teacher but the teacher didn't do anything about it. Another time a boy decided he didn't want me sitting in front of him so he picked up his chair and hit with me with it. He kept doing that until I moved. Again this was in front of the teacher and when I told him he just said "well you've moved now, so it doesn't matter does it?"

I've tried so hard to think of a reason why they hated me so much but I just can't come up with an answer. Obviously there must have been something I'd done to make them hate me so much and want to hurt me, I just can't figure out what it is.

I'm job hunting right now and not having much luck. If I go to interviews and get turned down the logical part of me thinks that the economy is shit for everyone right now and lots of people are finding it hard to get a job. Then there's a tiny part of me that thinks that of course I wouldn't get hired, why would they want me? I was always told at school that I wouldn't amount to anything and they were right - if I was hated so much at school then of course other people would still hate me now and not want me near them even if I am older.

I left school with my self esteem and confidence shattered but I was determined that the bullies wouldn't stop me and I'd rebuild my confidence. I've never been able to rebuild it though.

And yes I know I'm being pathetic and that school was a long time ago and that I should just get over it. I just don't know how.

[lifehasafunnywayofhelpinguout]

No you should't be over it. Bullying scars and emotionally hurts like hell as you know. I detest bullies.
Not really bullying, but at the time it did upset me but this girl at school said to me you're thick you,you'll be on the dole all your life. I did struggle academically and her comment hurt but probably spured me on. I've been in the same job since I was 16,so I'm doing something right. I have my own car, a good sum of money in the bank and my mortgage is nearly paid off.
I saw her in my town the other day and she was coming out of the jobcentre with her signing on card, nothing against people who sign on at all unemployment can happen to anyone but I couldn't help thinking "Who came on top,
You're 1,000 times the person they are. I wish you lots of happiness and sucsess. xxx. Love and hugs

[redexpat]

For instance I'm always highly suspicious of anyone who wants to be friends with me because I have no self esteem and I always wonder why they would want to be friends with me. It sounds as if you need to change your thought processes, which would lead me to suggest CBT. If that's not available near you is it possible you could maybe find a more specialised therapist.

Are you open to self help books? They can help plug a gap before you get to therapy.

Pinkhamster do you like yourself? FWIW I think you sound nice

[MexicanSpringtime]

I too was dreadfully bullied in secondary school and ended up feeling that there was something wrong with me that everyone else could see but I couldn't.

But that is not true, as an adult I have seen perfectly lovely children being bullied and I can look at school photos and realise that, despite having been made to feel ugly, I was in fact one of the prettiest in my group.
For years if anyone said anything nice to me I assumed they were just saying it but if anyone said anything at all negative to me I would think it was the tip of the iceberg and they had so many other ugly feelings about me that they weren't saying.

Fortunately enough so many, many years have gone under the bridge that I have to dredge these memories up from very far away. It is still my achilles heel, but generally not a problem.

What most helped me was falling in with a group of friends who were incapable of talking about anyone behind their backs.

[PinkHamster]

It's sad to say this but I still have nightmares about being at school. I can still picture being followed home every day by a group of kids and having them throw their litter at me and hurl abuse at me.

Sometimes I get angry and wonder WTF their problem was and I 'know' I didn't really deserve it, but then that voice starts again and tells me that I must have done, they wouldn't have put so much energy into hurting me if I didn't.

I did have one friend throughout secondary school who was pretty much the opposite of me in that she was very well liked and popular. I have no idea why she stuck with me for so long (maybe because she felt sorry for me?). She had a group of friends who obviously liked her but hated me. Whenever she had parties and sleepovers and invited me I would always go because I just wanted to be a normal teen and have fun but of course she would invite her other friends too. Then they would spend a good portion of the night harassing me.

I didn't tell my parents because there wouldn't have been anything they could do and it would just cause them to worry unnecessarily. What could have been done about it? Even if my parents complained to the school, the teachers clearly didn't care and even if they did care, what could they do? There were too many people who were involved in the bullying to suspend or expel them all so there would always be people there to bully me. I doubt that anyone would have been given so much as a detention even if the teachers did care - most likely just a firm word because obviously that never fails. Moving me to a different school wouldn't have been an option either as it's a rural place and the only secondary school in the area. All the other secondary schools were miles away with no transport links. I doubt my parents would be willing to home school me either. So that was frustrating - there was nothing anyone could do and I was stuck with it with no way out!

I have thought about getting some private counseling as other than the very brief last session with the counselor I saw before I've never spoken about any of this in real life. In fact this is the first time I've even typed this. I just feel weak and a loser even saying the words "I was bullied" out loud.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

"Well that is true they do. I did. I'd guess every person on mn has to. It matters less as you get to grips with who you will become. I've met people now who I was at school with. They are small insignificant with little lives. Just average joes. Not big scary monsters anymore. It gets easier. Other worries take over!"

Obviously it is clear from this how seriously you take bullying, minnie.

[SallyMcgally]

You poor brave girl, dealing with all that on your own. Unmumsnetty hug. You sound amazing to me. I'm so sorry that they were so vile, and so sorry that your negligent teachers never helped you. You're so far from being a weak loser. I do think counselling will help. And there's nothing weak about having counselling. It can clear your head and give you a sense of perspective.

[PinkHamster]

Just to clarify, I don't go around constantly thinking "I was bullied, woe is me". Sometimes when I'm alone usually at night I will think about it depth, however on a daily basis I think it affects me more subtly without me actually realising it. Like the not trusting people and doubting that people want to be my friend. I don't think at the time that it was because I was bullied however I do think that I'm that way because I was bullied even if I'm not thinking about the bullying at the time iyswim.

I do have other worries too you know but subconsciously I am aware that I am still affected by the bullying I went through.

[SallyMcgally]

I phrased the last post badly. It sounds as if, at dark moments you think the bullies were right, whereas another part of you knows they weren't. The rational part is the part that knows they weren't, and that's the self you need help in listening to. Vile little shits.

[SallyMcgally]

Sorry x post.

[PinkHamster]

And I've just realised that above post doesn't make any sense. I just don't want people to think that I mope around all day thinking about the bullying constantly.

[PinkHamster]

It sounds as if, at dark moments you think the bullies were right, whereas another part of you knows they weren't.

Yeah. It's just a shame that "the bullies were right" voice seems to shout the loudest.

[JackShit]

Severely bullied by most of the yeargroup and teachers throughout my entire school life here. Totally know where you're coming from OP - at 40 years of age I live with the legacy of self doubt and find it very difficult indeed to form friendships or trust anybody.

[SallyMcgally]

That's where the counselling helps, Pink. Teaches you to silence the negative voice that shouts so that you can hear the other voice that, deep down, you know is right.
Sorry to hear you had a terrible time, too, Jack. Why are kids so utterly vile? I really dislike groups of teenagers now, and I used to want to be a teacher.

[SallyMcgally]

Have just seen your teachers joined in as well Jack. Unbelievable. Guess they were scared of the bullies too.

[KnitFastDieWarm]

I have no advice to offer but just wanted to say that I could have written your post, and no, you're not being pathetic.

bullying screws you up at a very vulnerable formative period in your life. I just wanted to offer you a squeeze of the ham because you are not alone :)

the main thing that keeps me going is the thought that I am not going to let the little bastards ruin one more second of my life than is necessary ;-p

[KnitFastDieWarm]

ham? hand! a squeeze of the HAM has quite different connotations ;-p

[KnitFastDieWarm]

I also think it's important to remember that, just like survivors of any other kind of abuse, we didn't 'deserve it', 'ask for it' or any of that crap. We were perfectly normal kids with the right to be ourselves, even if that meant we didn't conform to how other people thought we should be. that made us stand out, but that didn't make it our fault. the only people at fault are the bullies and the adults who enabled them.

[springydaffs]

Sounds to me that if you feel ashamed of saying you were bullied, you don't really understand what bullying is. You may not want it to define you but the trauma of it is still hanging around, as it would do. If you feel ashamed of being bullied you're carrying their rightful shame iyswim, all the shame belongs to them. They pick on anybody, it has nothing to do with you, everything to do with them. You don't need to feel ashamed of having been bullied, because it is no indication of who you are (or were) as a person. Perhaps find out more about bullying and the shame will fall away - there is a lot of info around about bullying, have a google (I'm sure I've seen some support sites too).

[MexicanSpringtime]

Have just seen your teachers joined in as well Jack. Unbelievable. Guess they were scared of the bullies too

I'm afraid the teachers are often behind the bullying. At least in my day they would control situations by making a laughing stock of one of the students.

[BMW6]

I am 56 and have never really come to terms with the bullying I endured in last 3 scool years particularly. As a result I have no female close friends - apart from my sisters (and even with them I have issues) because I am so on guard.

When I remember it I am filled with rage - against them, and myself for not standing up for myself more.

I often wonder how they feel when they look back - are they at all ashamed? Are their lives blighted by the things they did that they can never redress?

I do hope so......

[kayjayel]

Bullying is horrendous. This spoken word poem is incredibly powerful and may help you feel that you are justified in 'not getting over it'. To This Day

[claraschu]

This is terrible. Even a short period of mild bullying damaged my poor son and made him doubt himself in the long term.

NHS counselling is notoriously underfunded, and just not good enough. If you can afford (and can find) the right wonderful private therapist, (and if you feel ready to talk), I think it might be cathartic.

[LemonSquares]

It sounds as if, at dark moments you think the bullies were right, whereas another part of you knows they weren't.

I’ve learnt to be a cheer leader for myself – and focus on the positive it doesn’t come naturally to me but it helps. I stood up for my DC when I couldn't for myslef and then learnt to do it for me as well. I've never done it but perhaps cbt which is supposed to alter thought processes would help you ?

Job hunting is hard - you are trying to sell yourself and risk repeated rejection - it's hard on most people. When DH or I have been doing it and we don’t get something I spend a lot of time saying well it’s practise for the next one.


First job I got bullied and first house we bought I got a really bullying neighbour with loads of low level imtimidation. I was made miserable by both. I got a better job after a min amount of time and the stuff I did in that first job sold a product to the client so I left on a high– so I try and focus on the positives. With neighbour her petty shit has back fired on her and she leave me alone now even get a polite hello – and I got through it.

Obviously I wonder if it's me. I had one person running a self-assertion course tell me is was because I never been assertive. Came home and told DH - and his reply was to point out all the times I had been. The woman had an agenda - I suspect same was true of that councillor she'd already decide what your issue were and the bulling didn't fit in.

I’m going to have to spend the afternoon being ignored or condensed to – DC school event but this year group has a ton of grade A bitches. I’ll try and focus on my DC and I’ll remind myself I get on well with most parents in my other two DC year groups and I’m better educated, this is important to me as I’m dyslexic, and haven’t lived my whole life in this back water like they have – so they have nothing to look down their noses at with me. I'm still dreading it s will dresses as best I can to feel good about myself - then spend some time with our DC later who still on the whole think I'm pretty good.


I know I've done better or just as well as the people who bullied me - it doesn't matter they don't matter it's been finding a way to deal with what they left.

[NoglenTilLykke]

I agree with the suggestion to read a self help book til you get a good therapist. Anne Dickson's "a woman in your own right" was really helpful to me.

I had a bit of counselling years ago. the woman was stupid adn kept telling me to get a job. I was basically having a nervous breakdown and I had no earning potential and two dependents and she told me to get a job. I'll never forget how misunderstood and unheard I felt coming out of there. Bring in the big guns I say. psychotherapy. Now you're talking. Psychotherapy really helped me and I wish I'd had it sooner. I respect you for addressing this at only 23.

[PinkHamster]

I think I am going to get some more counselling actually. I would prefer to get it privately though - that way I can pick my counsellor and not go through the waiting lists of the NHS again just for the sake of six sessions which would be nowhere near enough. It sounds selfish, but I want to take my time with this.