To think I should be over school bullying by now?

[PinkHamster]

I'm 23 and I left school seven years ago so you would think that would be plenty of time to get over anything that happened in school.

I was badly bullied pretty much all throughout secondary school. It actually started in the last two years of primary school but it was pretty mild at that point - just name calling by one or two people. However when I started secondary school it pretty much all took off. It wasn't one or two people any more, it was pretty much a good portion of the year group who bullied me every day and those who didn't were too afraid to be friends with me in case they were next.

I won't go into too much detail but the bullying continued all the way from Year 7 to year 11 and it's embarrassing to say this but it still effects me today even though I know it was just silly school kid stuff and I should be over it by now.

It's not even necessarily big stuff, it's more subtle. For instance I'm always highly suspicious of anyone who wants to be friends with me because I have no self esteem and I always wonder why they would want to be friends with me. I think it's because I spent so long being hated by so many people. It's the same with relationships - I'm always suspicious of any man who shows an interest in me. At school boys would always ask me out as a joke whilst everyone would be standing around laughing. Then the boys would always laugh too and say things like "only joking, hamster, no one in their right mind would ever go out with you, you're too ugly!" which would cue more laughter. When I did start going out with someone for real everyone found this hilarious and I spent the whole time with people coming up to me asking if my boyfriend was blind, on happy pills, needed glasses or was just insane. So now whenever anybody appears interested in me I always think it's all part of some big joke and wonder how anyone could be attracted to me. This stems from being asked out as a joke so many times for so long and being told how ugly I was and how nobody could be attracted to me.

I can still remember every single nasty name they called me and everything that was said about me. I still live in the same town as some of them and see them sometimes and I'm always terrified that they're going to start hurling abuse at me just like they used to.

I did try telling the teachers several times but I don't think they cared because they never actually did anything. Once in PE a girl hit me hard with a rounders bat right in front of the teacher but the teacher didn't do anything about it. Another time a boy decided he didn't want me sitting in front of him so he picked up his chair and hit with me with it. He kept doing that until I moved. Again this was in front of the teacher and when I told him he just said "well you've moved now, so it doesn't matter does it?"

I've tried so hard to think of a reason why they hated me so much but I just can't come up with an answer. Obviously there must have been something I'd done to make them hate me so much and want to hurt me, I just can't figure out what it is.

I'm job hunting right now and not having much luck. If I go to interviews and get turned down the logical part of me thinks that the economy is shit for everyone right now and lots of people are finding it hard to get a job. Then there's a tiny part of me that thinks that of course I wouldn't get hired, why would they want me? I was always told at school that I wouldn't amount to anything and they were right - if I was hated so much at school then of course other people would still hate me now and not want me near them even if I am older.

I left school with my self esteem and confidence shattered but I was determined that the bullies wouldn't stop me and I'd rebuild my confidence. I've never been able to rebuild it though.

And yes I know I'm being pathetic and that school was a long time ago and that I should just get over it. I just don't know how.

[SallyMcgally]

It's not selfish! At all. It's what you deserve. Good luck with it x

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

If you are near a Priory hospital, I would recommend them highly. We have insurance through dh's work, which meant that when I realised, earlier this year, how far back into the black pit I had slipped, I was able to get an appointment within a week, and saw a counsellor less than a fortnight later.

I found them to be really supportive, kind, efficient and helpful. I saw a psychiatrist, who talked to me at length, then sent her notes to the Therapy Coordinator, who allocated me a therapist, who I clicked with straight away.

LemonSquares - I love the way you put it - learning to be your own cheerleader - that is exactly what I know I need to do. At the moment it is really hard to silence the voice that tells me how useless I am, what a failure I am as a person, a wife, a mother, a friend, etc etc.

[Doinmummy]

Have just read your post Op and my heart goes out to you.

It must have been horrific for you. I don't think the word 'bullying' even starts to cover it, you were abused by these despicable cowards.

[CrayolaCocaColaRocknRolla]

I was bullied from the first day of primary to the last day of high school.
I still remember everything they said.
I'm not over it.
I don't know how to get over it...
:(

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

{{{{Hugs}}}} Crayola - therapy is the key to getting over it, I think. Learning to listen to the voice in your head that says you weren't to blame for the bullying, didn't deserve it, should have been protected from it, and that you are a wonderful, unique, special person.

My bullies have become my inner voice - my therapist says it really hurts to hear how harshly I talk to myself. But I am learning to replace that voice with a kinder one.

[SallyMcgally]

to you Crayola and to you STDG. It's heartbreaking to read of how many people have been so badly hurt by bullying.

[lljkk]

I was bullied "only" 4 yrs in primary & I'm not over it yet (will turn 47 this yr). Don't give yourself a hard time.

Sadly I went thru an education system that didn't recognise bullying unless there were physical bruises, and even in the UK I've struggled to get professionals to recognise how damaging it was.
AAARRRGH.

[WhoMovedMyVuvuzela]

I wouldn't think that 7 years is long enough to get over school bullying tbh. At 23 I was not over being bullied, at 25 I had a bit of a breakdown, got counselling and then started to repair.

At 40 I am over it as such, I no longer meet a group of woman and make the assumption that they will all hate me, I am pretty confident and have a smart answer for most situations.

It's been a tough journey though, if I'm honest I'm not sure that I would have repaired had I stayed living where I grew up, I haven't moved hundreds of miles away but I found it a joy sitting in a bar and not bumping into anyone who remembered me from school, moving was like a fresh start. I didn't move because of the bullying, I think I was just lucky that the opportunity presented itself (after I laid the ground work...).

I'm not sure I will ever be over it in the sense that bullying is something that I will always feel very strongly about.

Counselling is a good start, I also think you need to be harsh and cut out any toxic people who for what ever reason will hold you back from getting better. Good luck OP and don't be hard on yourself.