to have gone nuts at DD (17). DH and DD think I am!

[WonderingAllowed]

DD has years of form for not answering calls and texts from me on her mobile and it drives me crazy. She also views me as her personal taxi as she refuses to get a bus and knows I don't like her walking home late on her own as every week there's a story in local paper about people being attacked. Teenage girls mugging other teenage girls in a recent one. DD plays on this anxiety and knows I will come and get her albeit grudgingly as at her age I think she needs to make her own arrangements. None of her friends live near us and it's a 30 min walk from the closest one down quite lonely roads backing onto fields and woodlands.

Tonight she had something to do at college until 9pm and as the bus station is a 5 min walk from there, I told her to get a bloody bus home! She texted me at 9pm and said she was walking her friend home and could I pick her up from there at 9.30pm. I refuse but she tells me they are already on their way. I duly get to her friends house at 9.30 and text her that I am outside. Wait 10 mins and she does not come out texting her a few more times and trying to call her but of course she does not answer as she puts her phone on silent.

I did not want to knock on the friends door as I don't have much to do with her friends parents since her mother allowed DD to get pissed at her house and with her booze last year, and then had the cheek to call me to come and get her as she was 'ruining their evening' by upchucking everywhere!

I then drive around assuming DD and her friend are not back there yet as all lights are off in the house, expecting to meet them walking back. Can't find them so go back to friends house and beep car horn once thinking that maybe DD and friend are at front of house where I cant see lights and she will hear car horn. Friends mum then opens door and I ask her if DD is there. She tells me neither DD or friend are there. She tries to call friend, friend does not answer so she tells me I've made her a bit worried now which makes me quite anxious too.

I drive down the street again hoping I can see them as I have a massive headache and want to get home. Finally find DD and friend walking down the street smiling away at me, so I stop the car and let rip with some expletives in front of her friend! DD then tells me that she needs to get back to friends house to pick up some shoes so I will have to wait for her some more. No apology for making me wait for her. Just says she did not realise what the time was . I let rip at her in the car -she should think herself lucky she has parents who give a shit how she gets home, she is disrespectful etc, etc. This is after her telling me this morning that I should drop her at college at 1.00pm (because she did not get her ass out bed until 11.00am and needs 2 hours to get ready) as 'you don't have anything else to do'. GGGGRRRRRR. She is the eldest of 4 DC btw.

DH seeing me steaming when I get in says I am making a fuss about nothing!

[EverythingCounts]

YANBU. Now DH has agreed to be the taxi you can put that one aside and let him deal with it. I would now stop giving any daytime lifts to college (or anywhere else). Tell her you have your own studying to do and it doesn't leave time to run her around. She can catch a bus instead and if she's spent so long getting ready that the bus will make her late, then that's her own fault and at 17 she will have to deal with the consequences.

[WonderingAllowed]

The problem isn't the staying out until 2am Scarlett. It's how she's getting home. Buses stop here before 11pm. She would have to get a taxi and I'm not giving her more money for that! Walking home alone at that time, no way! Friend has been over here until midnight and then said she's walking home and I could not let her and had to drive her home myself fucking mug that I am.

I used to walk home, half pissed, at DD's age at 3am after going clubbing. Gives me the goolies just thinking about her attempting that.

[Chippednailvarnish]

Looks like you're just going to have to suck it up as you're letting her use you.

[Nocomet]

YANBU
Taxiing is a fact of life as a rural parent, but not if DCs don't appreciate it.

My DDad picked us up innumerable times at 1am from far flung village dances and young farmers discos.

Not once in way over a 100 times were me and my DFs not in the right place at the right time, sobber enough to hold a conversation.

My DDad doesn't drink, although we did from 14, we didn't need telling that being sick or even being peculiarly silly would end the transport service.

Of course we didnt have mobiles, so we couldn't change arrangements, but still, it's just plain rude to keep people doing you a favour waiting.

[threepiecesuite]

Could she not learn to drive?

[lljkk]

At what age will you allow her to walk home by self?

A long lonely walk home in cold rain might just what she needs.

[TucsonGirl]

If she's 17 let her get a job and pay for her own transport. She's not a child anymore.

[ExcuseTypos]

We live rurally so DH and I have had to be taxi drivers for 2DDs. There is no public transport around here at all. YOu have to accept it, if that's where you choose to live.

However- neither of mine were ever so rude as to keep me waiting 40 mins. I would have been very angry if either of mine had done that.

You need to have a calm talk and let her know how disrespectful she is being and that you aren't putting up with it any more. She will switch on her phone if she's expecting you and she will be on time.

By the way, who pays for her phone. If it were me I'd be telling her you will stop unless she starts answering it.

[littlewhitebag]

We live a bit out of town down a dark road with no bus service so i do a fair bit of transporting DD2 (16) around (DD1 drives). DD2 knows that she has to be prompt for any arranged pick ups and not take the piss or i will stop collecting her and she would have to spend her hard earned wages on taxi's. She is happy to get a taxi if i am not around or she changes her plans at the last minute.

Op - your DD needs to know you are not at her beck and call. Get her to try and get a weekend job to pay for her own transport. She will soon appreciate you giving her lifts when she has to shell out on taxi fares!

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

I also grew up in a rural location with no transport so my mum often picked us up.

But we were always there on time (trying our best to pretend we were sober), as my mum being angry was worse! Where and when we met was always up to her, not me.

I also had a Saturday job and paid for any taxis. Does she have a job? At 17 why not?

You have to lay out some consequences, she probably finds it funny or doesn't care of she knows you will always pick her up, you won't let her walk so you'll always be there regardless of how late she is.

Make her get the bus, is she not learning to drive? She knows you'll just run around after her, which if you continue to do, nothing will change.

[diddl]

Of course ywnbu.

When she told you that she was walking her friend home you should have told her no, she needed to get the bus.

She needs to know that she can't make arrangements that mean someone will pick her up without asking them first.

[Fairenuff]

YABU for creating all this drama. You told her to get herself home. That's it. Stop running round after her, she is almost an adult!

Guess what, once you stop all this messing about doing whatever she wants, she will suddenly, miraculously, become more respectful to you and if she wants a lift, she will be grateful.

But first she has to learn how she has been taking you for granted.

I agree with your DH. This is all of your own making so YABU to complain about it.

[LadyNexus]

Op don't take this the wrong way...but you are being a martyr here.

It's you fault she is like this and treating you this way.

Guess what? You stop all lifts and tell her to get her own ass to college/ friends house and just see how differently she acts.

I can guarantee after one walk home in the dark she will learn how to use a bus

[LemonSquares]

We live rurally so DH and I have had to be taxi drivers for 2DDs. There is no public transport around here at all. You have to accept it, if that's where you choose to live.

My parents didn't and I grew up in a small country village.

We walked, biked arranged lifts with friends, took buses to get to jobs if we could, paid for taxies or didn't go out.

We learnt to drive but early but then weren't allowed the one car and couldn't afford our own.

Few occassions we did get lifts of my parents - we were made to feel really guilty - and they made a massive deal out of it even if it was a one off and it was to get home from a job.


I never want to live that rurally again ever.

I think expecting a level of respect and a thankyou is the least the OP should expect.

[DollyWosits]

I flip out at the wanting a lift but keeping you waiting thing I would also flip out in front of a friend if need be.

YANBU - sometimes a flip out is the only way to be heard although it's best saved for very, very occasional usage.

[DollyWosits]

Btw YABU to blame the friends mother for 'allowing' your DD to get drunk and vomity - unless your DD was really, really young. It was your DDs fault and I think phoning you to collect her was the only thing to do.

[diddl]

Yes, it's not so much the ferrying around, it's not being where she should be on time to be collected.

[WooWooOwl]

If your DH doesn't see the problem here, he can be the taxi service.

[Mrsjayy]

Op I know you said your childhood wasnt great and this has obviously affected the way you bring the dc up but if you stand up for yourself your dd wont hate you she will cope getting the bus for college of course she will bitch moan and stomp about saing it s'not fair but she will be fine

[merlehaggard]

YANBU. My eldest has a tendency to be like that but luckily she keeps day time hours and isn't much of a night bird so never really caused much of a problem. She thinks she is far too precious for public transport. Recently whinged because I wouldn't pick her up from uni (about 1hr 45 mins away) because she hates trains, even though I would have to do a 2 way journey. I stood my ground.

[FragileBrittleStar]

I understand the late night lifts- but the ones during the day?
if you can't satnd up to her go out so that she has no choice.
I assume you pay for her phone too ? if she doesn't use it when you need her to i would take it off her

[Jinty64]

Call a "family meeting". Tell them things are going to change and set out the ground rules. I think you/dh will have to do night time pick-ups (or insist she gets the bus) but she should be ready and waiting. I assume you hold the purse strings.

[MrsCripps]

Stop enabling your DDs appalling behaviour - she is treating you like a doormat.

I left home at 18 - no one to ferry me around and my DC walk, cycle or get the bus- lifts are rare and they wouldn't dare be so rude as to keep me waiting.

[bigdeal]

easy to say let her walk , but you would not forgive yourself if something happened , and they know that , my 15 yr old is the same , she would rather sit at her friends till dark so she gets a lift than walk home in the light , i will do the late night pick ups ,but not the drop me at the station,mates,bus stop,school in day time anymore .

[grocklebox]

well if thats the case you'll still be driving her around when she's 40. Risk doesn't end when they turn 18, or 21, or whatever.