to have gone nuts at DD (17). DH and DD think I am!

[WonderingAllowed]

DD has years of form for not answering calls and texts from me on her mobile and it drives me crazy. She also views me as her personal taxi as she refuses to get a bus and knows I don't like her walking home late on her own as every week there's a story in local paper about people being attacked. Teenage girls mugging other teenage girls in a recent one. DD plays on this anxiety and knows I will come and get her albeit grudgingly as at her age I think she needs to make her own arrangements. None of her friends live near us and it's a 30 min walk from the closest one down quite lonely roads backing onto fields and woodlands.

Tonight she had something to do at college until 9pm and as the bus station is a 5 min walk from there, I told her to get a bloody bus home! She texted me at 9pm and said she was walking her friend home and could I pick her up from there at 9.30pm. I refuse but she tells me they are already on their way. I duly get to her friends house at 9.30 and text her that I am outside. Wait 10 mins and she does not come out texting her a few more times and trying to call her but of course she does not answer as she puts her phone on silent.

I did not want to knock on the friends door as I don't have much to do with her friends parents since her mother allowed DD to get pissed at her house and with her booze last year, and then had the cheek to call me to come and get her as she was 'ruining their evening' by upchucking everywhere!

I then drive around assuming DD and her friend are not back there yet as all lights are off in the house, expecting to meet them walking back. Can't find them so go back to friends house and beep car horn once thinking that maybe DD and friend are at front of house where I cant see lights and she will hear car horn. Friends mum then opens door and I ask her if DD is there. She tells me neither DD or friend are there. She tries to call friend, friend does not answer so she tells me I've made her a bit worried now which makes me quite anxious too.

I drive down the street again hoping I can see them as I have a massive headache and want to get home. Finally find DD and friend walking down the street smiling away at me, so I stop the car and let rip with some expletives in front of her friend! DD then tells me that she needs to get back to friends house to pick up some shoes so I will have to wait for her some more. No apology for making me wait for her. Just says she did not realise what the time was . I let rip at her in the car -she should think herself lucky she has parents who give a shit how she gets home, she is disrespectful etc, etc. This is after her telling me this morning that I should drop her at college at 1.00pm (because she did not get her ass out bed until 11.00am and needs 2 hours to get ready) as 'you don't have anything else to do'. GGGGRRRRRR. She is the eldest of 4 DC btw.

DH seeing me steaming when I get in says I am making a fuss about nothing!

[Tallalime]

I would go to pick her up, but next time she wasn't where she said she'd be I would give her one chance to answer her phone then go and park nearby and wait for her to arrive and realise she had no lift.

I'd leave her waiting for a good 10 mins too, and not answer my phone if she called.

Then I would point out that if she ever did that again without bloody good reason I would turn round and drive back home again and she could suck up the walk home if I was feeling particularly spiteful/cross I would make her walk home the first time, even if I had to follow behind her the whole way at 10mph

[Montegomongoose]

I think YABU.

Losing your rag and swearing at all never mind in front if someone else is not respectful, and surely that's the behaviour you should be modelling. Self-respect gains respect from others and that's, in my opinion, where your problems stem from.

You could have knocked on the door, letting something hang unresolved that long is a bit childish.

Speak calmly to her and state your boundaries.

But losing your temper will not result in anyone taking you seriously.

[BarbarianMum]

If it's not safe to walk and she won't use the bus then she can stop in unless she has money for a taxi.

[Shonajay]

I will collect my teens and have done if they are there on time- but on a Friday night I usually have a couple of glasses of wine, so it's up to them. They both have money, so get a taxi. Emotional blackmail is what she's up to, you need to be firm. Mine are 19 and 20 now but I've done my share of picking up drunk teens, get her to do something round the house then give her taxi money.

[thegreylady]

New rule. Set a pick up time and give 10 minutes leeway. If she is later than that refuse the next lift she asks for in the day time and set the curfew an hour earlier at night. Pick up at 10 not 11. If she isn't there go in to wherever she is and get her and take another hour off next time. Then go back to 11 or whatever and try again. If she won't co-operate she doesnt go out again until she agrees. Its like toilet training, it takes a while but they get it eventually. At one time I had 5 teenagers :)

[TheIronGnome]

Oh, in the day time all bets are off! No lifts at all if there are buses. End of.

[mrsmopps]

Why won't she take a bus?
If she's out past 11pm are you at her beck and call to pick her up?
she sounds spoilt.

[TheIronGnome]

YADNBU.

My DM used to expect me to get the bus back from our local town when I was you dd age, it was a 10 min walk home from the bus stop through a village and could be as late as 12:00 at night which I hated doing. (I've never been a fan of the dark!)

Yes, things can happen but it is VERY unusual. You and your DH need to figure out what to do. He should definitely be taking over if he doesn't see the problem. Or what about half each?

The difficulty in just refusing to do it if she's not fussed about walking on her own at night is how guilty you would feel if you had refused to give her a lift and something was to happen to her...

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

Why on earth are you taking her to college? So she refuses to get the bus, tough. You need to tell her that unless she gets the bus she won't be getting to college and will need sort her own way there.

She sees you as her personal taxi because you are being her personal taxi and giving in to her every whim.

The nearest bus stop to my house was a two mile walk away, which if my parents couldn't drop me off, I had to walk. And it was all country lanes, in day time mind.

[MrsCripps]

"Is she off to Uni next year? How will she cope?"

I couldn't agree more with this.
Driving her around at her beck and call is not allowing her to be responsible or make choices for herself.
The buses were running until 11pm- she finished at 9pm so plenty of time to catch the bus so there was no need for you to collect her.

I would be having words - lack of respect, not answering texts ( don't bombard her ,just expect a reply to where are you?), organising herself re: going out , money for bus ,cab etc

Does she have a part time job ? she could start having driving lessons etc.

[thebodylovesspring]

I give my teens lifts, they do it for me too so I don't see the lifts in themselves as ott. It's what families do.

However the problem here is the massive disrespect and even cruelty being shown to you by your family.

I too have anxiety issues and my teens would to dream of acting like this, your dh sounds unsupportive too.

Sit them all down for a family councel and lay down the law/ground rules.

Not answering her phone is an absolute no no.

[Deverethemuzzler]

I agree with those saying you should let her do more for herself.

If you have always been her taxi she is going to take it for granted. Kids and young adults need guidance when it comes to developing empathy and gratitude.

She is 17. I know you worry, I worry about my kids, but she is far to old to have her mum running about after her.

Is she off to Uni next year? How will she cope?

Like PP I was out of the house by the time I was that age and living and working on my own. Not ideal and I wasn't happy when DS1 left that young but we managed and learnt a lot.

So I am sure your DD can cope with getting herself to school etc.

[Mrsjayy]

My dds need ed to get around by themselves because Idont drive even if dh is here daytime lifts are rare the bus stop is on the corner they know where it is, I qm sure dd2s friends parents think I am mean as a few times shes been picked up to go to town its 15 minutes ob the bus fgs

[Dubjackeen]

OP, YANBU, but you need to follow up your words with actions.
Let your husband do the night taxi bit, from now on. She is being very disrespectful to you, and playing on the fact that she knows you will be anxious. Start putting yourself first, don't be available to bring her to college after getting up late, and her two hour preparation. Would she treat others in such a selfish, uncaring way?
Just sail off in the car elsewhere, during the day, and let her figure it out.

[5Foot5]

YADNBU.

I have an 18yo DD and I know exactly what you mean about them not walking home on their own late at night. During the day if she wants to go anywhere she is expected to walk or take a bus or train, but if it is a night out then either DH or I do often end up providing a lift unless one of her friends parents have offered. I just woudn't be able to relax if I thought she was wondering the streets after dark alone.

Having said that DD thankfully doesn't take the piss and is always where she says she will be, though the phne on silent is another bugbear!

I think your DH is being very silly to say it is a fuss about nothing because, more than anything else, it shows a total lack of consideration and highlights that she takes you for granted and just views you as her personal taxi service. Agree with others you should let him provide the taxi service and see how he likes it.

[YouTheCat]

I can't believe you dropped her at college after her total lack of thanks and making you wait last night.

Makes me glad I can't drive and dd has had to be self-reliant when it comes to getting home safely.

One of the most valuable things I have taught her is how to be as safe as possible.

[Mrsjayy]

We tell the dds that if they need a lift they have to give warning so if dd is wanting picked up from the cinema then a days warning or at least that morning is needed stops all the parents taxi nonsense I dont drive but dh wont put up with it unless its an emergency he wouldnt see them stuck obviously, dd1 drives now best thing we ever did was pay for lessons

[ManchesterAunt]

YABU - you are a walking doormat. She is tge eldest and before long all 4 of your children will be treating you like tgat.

It's your own fault, stop your enabling behaviour and she will stop being so entitled.

[Shewhowines]

And there certainly wouldn't be any unnecesary day time lifts if she didn't appreciate the late night necessary ones.

[Shewhowines]

I'd be mad too.

Let her walk home along a dark road and follow in the car without her knowing. If she senses she is being followed then that will frighten her even more. She'll then realise that she needs to respect you and be where she says she'll be, on time, or she'll have to fork out for taxis, or she'll not be able to go out.

She won't change unless you make her.

[Holdthepage]

I can understand that you prefer to taxi her around as it makes you happier knowing that she isn't taking risks but you need to set the rules.

When you arrange a time to pick her up tell her she has to be ready & waiting for you. If she is not there go home & make her pay for a taxi, you will only have to do this once.

If she wants a lift somewhere tell her what time you want her to be ready, if she isn't then you will be unavailable & she will have to pay for a taxi or get the bus even if it it makes her late.

When I used to ferry my 2DCs around a few years ago I often used to let them wait 5 minutes for me, if they complained they were told in no uncertain terms what the alternatives were.

You are doing her the favour & as she is the eldest of 4 you need to set the ground rules now.

[LemonSquares]

easy to say let her walk , but you would not forgive yourself if something happened , and they know that ,

True - though my parents did leave us to experince late night walks along country lanes.

However during the day - the OP can and should stop ferrying round - and where possible leave night shifts to her DH.

[QuietNinjaTardis]

She's 17! Perfectly capable of getting about on her own. If she doesn't want to walk then she'll have to get a bus.
My mum can't drive so I had no choice but to walk or get a bus at 17. I was also out clubbing at weekends and got myself home safely. Your dd just needs to be sensible if walking isn't a safe option then bus or she pays for a real taxi.

[sezamcgregor]

I don't think you ABU - however, I had moved out of home by the time I was 17 as I didn't want to live my DM's rules.

I would suggest talking to DD calmly and set some rules.

Personally, I think that if you can't trust DD to walk home by herself at that time of night, then she shouldn't be out at that time of night by herself - she's 17, not a child - and if she wants to be out late either needs to catch the bus home or arrange to stay overnight at her friend's house.

[CeliaFate]

YANBU - my dd started pulling stunts like this at age 12. She'd "forget" the time, or "didn't hear" her phone.
We banned her from the next outing and put a stop to that shit.
Different tactics required at 17 though. I'd make her pay for petrol money and "forget" to do her laundry as you "lost track of time".
Point it out to her in no uncertain terms that if she treats you like you don't matter, you will reciprocate.
She's lacking in empathy, I have no excuse for your dh whom I would have karate chopped in his neck.