To want "my" wedding ring?

[kirsten123]

Hi all,

Ex-fiancé and I get engaged over a year ago at which time he bought my engagement ring and the matching wedding band (and a band for himself). Entirely out of his own money. We split up last month when he said he didn't actually want to get married to anyone. Ever. (Threads about this in relationship forum). This was despite him allowing me moving from Scotland to be with him. (He's a narcissist).

He let me keep the engagement ring (on the basis I don't sell it) and I still wear it on the other hand (partly as I don't want to leave it in my new place as don't trust new roommates yet!)

Question is - am I being unreasonable to ask for the wedding band too? I don't want to sell it, I just want it/don't want anyone else to have it/good reminder of my lucky escape!

He is pretty well off and can easily afford to give me it but seemed to suggest I was being cheeky when I asked. I told him to think about it. The engagement ring is worth much more anyway.

Thanks in advance.

[mygrandchildrenrock]

kirsten they sell them to jewellers so people like me can buy them for our wedding! I asked the jeweller the 'story' behind the wedding ring I was buying for my soon to be DH. I said had it been part of a long happy marriage, was it from a divorce etc. The jeweller said it didn't matter what the ring's previous story was because it was obviously going to a happy home. It's been with us for 21 yrs this August!

[SueDNim]

YABU - you could ask to buy it off him.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

Er....no. The engagement ring I can understand you keeping, the wedding ring no, it's not yours. He could sell both back to the jewellers.

[starlight1234]

I sold mine and went and did an Iceland shop with the proceeds.

Why would you want it?

[HecatePropylaea]

It's a bit weird that he's allowing you to keep the ring and giving you conditions and instructions about it. Don't you think that's just about control?

It's only a ring, honestly, in order to feel free of him, I'd give it back to him. That sends a very strong message to him, apart from anything else. It says you are my past. You wear the ring he gave you and it's a tie to him. He allows you to keep it and says that you may not sell it, he's got an area of control.

Wouldn't it be better to have nothing to tie you to him at all, and let him slip out of your life and just be the bloke you were with years ago?

[Viviennemary]

YABU. Usually the engagement ring is returned if the engagement is broken off. But sometimes the person can keep it. YABVVU if you expect to keep a wedding ring for a marriage that will not take place.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

The engagement ring is usually given back if you call it off,if the person who gives the ring calls it off then you get to keep it.

It's yours to keep and sell if you want.

The wedding ring is not yours until its given to you. Yabu

[sykadelic]

YANBU to ask him if you can buy it off him because it matches your engagement ring.

YABU to expect to just get it for free.

YABU to expect you're entitled either way because of how the relationship ended. If he says no, he says no.

[slithytove]

I don't get it, you wear an engagement ring though you aren't engaged, and you want this wedding ring (to wear?) even though you aren't married?

To my understanding with a broken engagement, fiancée keeps the ring to do what she wants with (sell, return, pass on), and there is no wedding ring to speak of since there was no marriage.

With a divorce, each partner keeps their own rings to do as they like with.

[Salazar]

Yeah I'd ask to buy it.

That ring is not, and has never been, yours.

[PrincessBabyCat]

But why do you want it? Wedding rings are for married people.

The engagement ring is yours, it was a gift, and he has no right to tell you not to sell it.

He might want to hang onto the rings for his future wife if he decides to get married to someone else. My dad broke off an engagement and then went on to marry my mom, so it's possible that he'll meet Ms. Right later on. Just like you'll meet Mr. Right and get rid of your engagement ring so he can give you his own.

[zippey]

I don't know the backstory but you do sound entitled. He doesn't owe you anything. If you moved, that was your choice as an adult, you knew the risks.

You could buy the ring off him if you are that desperate. Or buy the same model from the place he got it from.

I wouldn't demean myself by asking.

Time to move on to pastures new.

[scottishmummy]

Youve got some brass neck.youre no married,youre no getting that ring
Engaged,aye.so fair do,keep it.wedding ring,dont rip the arse oot of it.youre no married
Whether or not hes loaded is immaterial.your history,so's the bling ring.move on

[dwinnol]

Starlight - Iceland shop, Arf!

[dwinnol]

I can understand that you feel led a merry dance and you are out of pocket and feel entitled to compensation of some kind. This fella has played you about, but walk away from it all now, none of it matters. You'll be be glad in the future that you held your head high. Personally I wouldn't give this turd the time of day let alone be making agreements about rings.

[LongTimeLurking]

YABU to ask for the wedding ring and you should give back the engagement ring as well.

[snakeandpygmy]

I don't think it's your wedding ring, and you shouldn't ask for it. As far as the engagement ring is concerned though that is yours. The law (Misc Provisions) states that an engagement ring is considered to be an absolute gift (in the absence of a condition that it should be given back if the wedding is called off) so he can't say that you can't sell it. And it doesn't matter who calls of the wedding, still yours.

[fifi669]

Hmmm I dunno. Are they matching as in both from the same collection? Or two parts of a set?

If they were part of a set it makes sense to have them together. Two seperate items from a collection would be different.

I don't think YABU to ask, though you would be if you kept pushing/demanded it.

I can't say I'd be too happy if my DP presented me with a wedding band he'd previously bought for an ex so I can't imagine he's keeping it for that.

[KurriKurri]

Why would you want the wedding ring? - It's not yours, you aren't married and it will stop you moving on.

The engagement ring is yours - to do what you wish with - he has no right to tell you not to sell it or to wear it on your other hand (why would he want you to wear it - is he very controlling?)

Anyway my general point is - when a relationship ends don't hang on to the trappings, it holds you back. My H of 31 years ran off with another woman last year, I had a wedding ring, engagement ring, eternity ring and signet ring he had given me - I got rid of them all - (it felt very cathartic!)

[SanityClause]

Engagement rings should not be given back.

The traditional idea of an engagement ring was that it was someting of value given to a woman, as a kind of a bond. If the man went back on his promise to marry her, she would still have something of value.

These days, an engagement ring is a gift. If the OP's ex had bought her some earrings as a gift, would she be expected to give them back? What about a spa day given as a gift?

But, I think asking for the wedding ring is a bit odd. If you really want it, offer to buy it.

[Nanny0gg]

When I broke off my engagement (many years ago) I wanted to keep my ring as I had designed it with the jeweller. My mum insisted that I had to pay for it if I did. So I bought it from my ex, which really was only fair.

But then it was mine, with no conditions attached.

[Vinomcstephens]

I agree with every other poster - you have absolutely no right to the wedding ring - wedding rings for people who have, erm, wed. Think it's incredibly cheeky for you to have asked! I was engaged years ago, before I met and married my husband. When I broke off my previous engagement I gave him back the ring - why would I have kept it? I find it incredibly odd that you still wear the engagement ring despite no longer being engaged, I gave mine back immediately as what good would it do for me to keep it?

[Nomama]

Legally the engagement ring is yours. It is often said that the engagement ring is given as part of a contract - that you will marry. If the wedding does not go ahead then, regardless of who pulled out, the engagement ring goes back to whoever paid for it.

But that isn't true, unless when it was given you both agreed that it would go back to the purchaser. This means that any gold digger can get an absolutely fabulous engagement ring every day of the week... and never have to give it back as it, like every other gift given, is given absolutely.

The wedding ring was never given, so you have no right to it at all and I too would wonder why you'd want it!

Oh, and sod him telling you what to do with your ring. Tell him to do one. A long and permanent one!

[HoneyDragon]

There's no such thing as a wedding ring.

People don't have to be married to wear a wedding ring. Some people wear their mothers ring as a token of remembrance.

A ring becomes a wedding ring when it is used symbolically in the wedding service.

Rings are rings.

Consequently he purchased two rings that match and can be worn together. He only gifted you one.

You have no actual claim to the other, but I can't see the harm in asking if you plan to wear them just as jewellery with no significance.

Equally, he has no right to tell you what you may or may not do with the ring gifted for your engagement.

However .... You are no longer together and focussing on and quibbling over love tokens from a broken relationship will not help you move on with your life.