To think this is a little rude

[mumaa]

Colleague had baby 3 months ago, many have sent gifts and well wishes, as well as messages asking how they both are, as you would. This week I received a blanket email which was sent to a number of her colleagues and some members of her family and friends "by way of an update as everyone has been asking".

I could understand if it was a blanket "work" email to update everyone at once but to include some friends and family just seems weird, a number of people have commented that they have sent messages asking how they are with no response, myself included. Its really not that difficult to reply to thank people for asking after them and give a response, there aren't SO MANY requests after her wellbeing (god forbid) that it is SO difficult you must send just one email... just me or is this a bit strange?

[elQuintoConyo]

She's just not that into you, op.

[Gurnie]

I don't know, I had horrendous PND when I had my baby, this friend was one of the many wonderful people that supported me. We had so enjoyed sharing her pregnancy with her as she rushed in with scan pics, told us her name ideas you get the picture. My mum was knitting for her! Anyway, it was hurtful when she didn't bother to respond to any of us afterwards full knowing that if she'd mentioned she was having a tough time we'd have understood, supported her, left her alone, offered practical support whatever really.

We were left thinking "Wow, after 10 years of knowing each other were we ever really friends?"

[TheoneFKAMNwidowed]

I can't believe people buy somebody something and expect a thank you or some sort of reply because of that. Do people buy presents for their own benefit or for the persons benefit.

[mumaa]

Gurnie this is so similar it is untrue... I didn't have a particularly easy time (not the worst by any stretch) but was honest as this group at work I considered I was close with. The rest of us still are. She was happy enough to ask me questions about this or that or call me if something was going on she thought I may know about, and I was happy to share it. To have this sort of response is a bit hurtful and I do think in general its quite rude, even if you take the history away, how hard is it to send a one line text.

TheoneFKAMNwidowed no one mentioned anything about presents, just looking for a polite reply to messages wishing well and asking after her and her baby. Not talking about a thank you card/call/visit in person, a simple one line text as opposed to it being ignored for months to then receive blanket email to a number of friends/immediate family/inlaws

[fluffyraggies]

But if she's using FB to update it's not quite the same as going totally AWOL as with Gurnie's friend, is it?

Does she seem ok on her FB updates? Is she seeing other friends? What is she up to in her news?

[Lanabelle]

if its a first baby she might be struggling to get into a routine and get round to replying to people. as for the family being included maybe she just doesn't get on with them? maybe theyre the ones who have irritated her into sending one email to all type thing? families can be pushy sometimes when all you want is some alone time with you and baby

[mumaa]

fluffyfraggles I'm not sure as I'm not on FB, I just got told by one of the other girls that she's on there and so she sent her a message that way and got a response. She is mostly out with her DH and some friends who live locally (she had quite a commute to work so no one we know/nearby)

Just isn't interested in maintaining a friendship I think... if you are on FB and drop her a message then that seems fine but no effort is made to respond to people in RL, like I say, immediate family were also on that email. I am being 'phased out' in a Friends style haha

[Davsmum]

It wouldn't bother me at all. A response is a response - doesn't matter if its one email to everyone.
Some people are lazy about things like this - Its how they are!

[Gurnie]

Could she possibly be someone who doesn't text alot or use her phone very much? Clutching at straws but it's possible!

There was a conclusion to my strange saga but as it I think the details are a bit too identifiable so have pm'd it to you....sorry to others who are waiting with bated breath (I'm sure you're not!) it wasn't overly exciting!

[TheoneFKAMNwidowed]

Well wishes and gifts, thats what your OP says. She's just had a baby, clearly she's tried with sending e-mail but clearly she's busy. I think anyone criticising her for a lack of responses are being extremely harsh.

[Thumbwitch]

I think you are over-reacting slightly, possibly. FB is a lot easier to keep up with than emails, and even texts - you can post a status update and everyone who is friends with you can see it, so you only have to do it once.

Email - you have to look through all your emails to see who has written to you, maybe she has a ton of spam emails, or stuff from sites of interest that send emails frequently; and then you have to address and send etc.

Texts - same - you have to do them individually or at least remember who has sent you a text so you can make sure you include them in a group reply.

She may just be unable to hold enough coherent thinking together for long enough to find the texts/emails, and reply to them - she's probably been working on putting the email address list together for the one that she's sent for a while!

FB - piece of piss in comparison, honestly.

[mumaa]

Yes, thanks for your PM Gurnie. Yeah, pretty much surgically attached to her phone... and when other colleague showed me her FB page on her phone, it is all 'via mobile' updates.

Sorry!!! TheoneFKAMwidowed you are of course right!

Some have sent gifts as I said, sorry, some colleagues were a bit hurt they had taken the time to go out and get a gift, but the onus was on the fact that there was no response to those well wishes. It takes a minute, if not 30 seconds to reply to a text saying 'thank you for the message, we are well' like I say, I view it as rude, yes, davsmum a response is a response but 3 months later? perhaps lazy about these things as you say.

[fluffyraggies]

Maybe she is subconsciously phasing work related friends out then. If she's out and about with some friends according to her FB updates then she's not withdrawing in an healthy way at least.

As an etiquette thing i agree a quick text is easy to knock out in reply.

[fluffyraggies]

X posted a bit there - i'm not on FB so don't know how easy it is in comparison with anything else.

[Trillions]

YANBU. She is rude. The baby is 3 months old, not 3 days! It doesn't take long to copy and paste an email so you can send "individual" messages rather than a blanket one, and/or she could have texted.

[SlimJiminy]

YABU. Wouldn't bother me if I had an email like this. She's a new mum after all.

[Bowlersarm]

YABU. You need to cut her some slack. I didn't know what had hit me when I had pfb, not sure I was up to answering messages, writing thank yous, no matter how kind and thoughtful people had been.

[Goldenbear]

In theory I think you're right about it taking no time at all to reply but In reality maybe she hasn't got any energy left to do even that- a number of times over. Work colleagues were similarly asking after me and I even had MIL berating me, not her son, for not sending a Thank you card for a present her second cousin had bought DS. She told us that that we will never get anything from this cousin again if we didn't act soon and when I explained that her son was dealing with his relatives I was 'thanking' my own, MiL was not best pleased. I collapsed on the kitchen floor around that time I was so exhausted. It was like the sleep deprivation from doing 'All nighters' for a university essay but with no end in sight.

In all honesty, I really didn't care whether cousin Esther sent us another jumper for our child ever again! Going to the shops, purchasing thank you cards, stamps, coming back and writing them and not confusing people's names from lack of sleep seemed simply impossible at the moment in time. The following month when I had developed a rhythm for this motherhood stuff I actually enjoyed my little missions with DS in tow.

[weatherall]

If you're not in fb then you can't complain about not being in the loop.

My friends who aren't in it know me less well now compared to less close friends. Their choice. It's just the way things are now.

[Cornettoninja]

Did you socialise a lot outside of work?

Being completely frank, if relationships with colleagues never develop into an outside work thing then I don't really consider them friends. If all the time we spend together is paid then it doesn't even cross my mind that we're anything more.

The lack of thanks isn't polite, but I think forgivable given she's probably got a lot of brain space devoted to the baby at the moment.

[MargotLovedTom]

I dunno, the group email wouldn't bother me, I don't think I'd be giving it headspace tbh. Sounds like you're all picking over what she's done and hasn't done, and what she's up to now. It comes over like you feel you're 'owed' some attention or something because she asked for your advice in the run up to mat leave.

Just let her get on with it and you get on with your life, probably best all round.

[mumaa]

Cornettoninja yes, we socialised outside of work/came to visit when DD was born/came to DD first bday/etc.

Margotlovedtom I do feel quite hurt and a bit used to be honest. And also a bit stupid/embarassed that I clearly thought we were friends but this isn't case.

[rookiemater]

YABU.

Can you remember what it's like in those early days? She has made the effort to thank people and to keep them updated. You have no idea how she is feeling - perhaps she is not on top of the world and this is as much as she can manage, or perhaps she doesn't want to think about anything to do with work at the minute.
Unless the two of you were bosom buddies, I can't quite see what your problem is.

[rookiemater]

Oops cross post - ok so more than just work friends. Don't write her off just yet, those early days are hard and it's natural to want to stick together with other new mums.