AIBU to be getting fed up with DH bringing his work anxieties and issues home

[ScoutFinchMockingbird]

DH is not a confident chap about managing others (except me, of course!). Basically he has had a lot of bad luck in managing Awkward People who want to take him for a ride and who are really Trade Union oriented. Nothing wrong with that, but DH worries they would take him to tribunal. DH is a World Champion Worrier about the Small Issues. So, for example, at the annual appraisal of someone he used to manage, he worried that they hadn't got the top performance grade, even though it wasn't really his decision as it was in the hands of Higher Ups (and the person didn't deserve it anyway). DH then worried for over 6 months that this person would take him to tribunal.

The current issue is that the person he manages is a contractor who is leaving 20 mins early pretty regularly (I think every 2 weeks - certainly feels like it from the amount of discussion we have had on the topic!)
He does not seem to get much support at work regarding these things and so brings all the issues home and asks my advice and we then have to discuss and discuss and discuss (and discuss) - you get the jist. Then I have to regularly reassure him at what feels like 5 minute intervals that he has nothing to worry about with regards to tackling this person.
This is getting really annoying now and I feel like
a) I'm not an expert in his workplace
b) I'm certainly not an employment lawyer
c) I have been as supportive as I can be in reassuring him and telling him not to worry and really can't find it in me to keep doing so.

AIBU and a bad wife, or would you feel just as grrrr?!

[LongTimeLurking]

YAB slightly unreasonable. It sounds like he may be suffering from quite serious stress or even a general anxiety disorder with work being the main focus of the anxiety? Certainly the endless discussions that go around in circles are classic obsessive anxiety and not healthy.

It sounds like he desperately needs some professional support but you are the only person available. Try and guide him in the right direction to get some proper help dealing with this.

[LongTimeLurking]

Actually I changed my mind. YANBU to feel the way you do but you should see the bigger picture here. Just read back what you wrote about excessive worry for 6 months, constant reassurance needed, etc.

It really sounds like he needs some assertiveness training at work and a counsellor or mentor for the anxiety.

[Wantsunshine]

Although as he has employees that are trade union then I can see why he would worry more about tribunals etc as if there was a complaint he would have the trade union going over everything hoping for a mistake.

[flippinada]

I do sympathise. It sounds like your husband has issues around stress and anxiety. Fretting for months over a justified performance marking resulting in a tribunal is a case in point. It's certainly not the kind of thing TU would be interested in, if that's any reassurance (I used to be a rep).

There is nothing wrong with wanting to offload, that's normal, but he needs to find a more effective way of dealing with issues as it's impacting negatively on your relationship.

It sounds like he has quite a structured workplace (unionised, performance management structure). Might it be worth investigating if they offer support/training courses in related areas, and also some on work related stress/resilience?

[flippinada]

Btw you are not a bad person, or wife, for thinking as you do.

Just thinking, if his work aren't very supportive then he could consider contacting ACAS.

[ScoutFinchMockingbird]

Thanks to all the TU advice and stuff about anxiety.

The anxiety does seem to be work related. He is perfectly fine about dealing with issues at home - whinges about it, but does it (and if he doesn't, then I just do it instead!)

I can try to get him to ask for assertiveness courses etc, but I think he probably won't. Confidence again - he will think his manager is judging him and thinking he can't cope (which, of course, he can't, but he doesn't want to admit that - vicious circle anyone?!)

As others have identified, he really should not be in a management role at all, but due to various things at his workplace, it had sort of been thrust upon him and it would be hard to get taken away.

And because I know next to nothing about his field of work, I wouldn't even have a clue about where to look for other jobs for him so I could put them under his nose.

The contractor has declared his intention to leave within the next year, so I am hoping this will all go away then. But experience tells me, there is another issue lurking just around the corner!

[SlimJiminy]

I don't want to offend you, but:

1. Whinges about it but does it (and if he doesn't, then I just do it instead)
   
2. ...can't cope (which of course, he can't...)
   
3. ...he really should not be in a management role at all...
   
4. ...I wouldn't even have a clue about where to look for other jobs for him so I could put them under his nose.
   

Your post suggests that you undermine him. You nag/take over when he doesn't do things (properly?) at home. You use words like "can't" and "shouldn't" as opposed to seeing problems as hurdles to overcome or problems that can be solved. Why would you feel the need to conduct a job search for him? I might ask someone to proof-read my CV or have a look at an application, but I wouldn't ever expect someone to look for jobs and put them under my nose. Why can't he do that for himself? I read your posts as though you don't have much confidence in him either, so perhaps this is part of the reason that he doesn't have much confidence in himself?

[Chippednailvarnish]

What slim said...

[flippinada]

I wouldn't rush to assume Scout is undermining her husband, I think that's unfair.

Speaking as someone who has issues with anxiety - it's something you have to resolve or learn to manage yourself. That's not to say it's easy of course. Constantly being someone's emotional punchbag, or receptacle for their worries is very draining and you end up being resentful and pissed off. That's not good for any relationship.

That's not to say her DH doesn't deserve sympathy and support, he needs to find ways of dealing with his issues - and it may be he needs outside help. There's nothing wrong with that btw, many people do, no judgement implied.

[SlimJiminy]

I definitely wasn't rushing to assume that flippinada and it isn't my intention to cause any offence. This is clearly a difficult situation for the op and her DH. But perhaps if she can see how she's coming across to others, she can also think about adapting her own behaviour to help her husband build his confidence as well as suggesting that he does some training/reads books/looks for a new job/gets counselling or whatever. I just think this whole situation can be partly addressed by looking at language - swapping the can'ts, won'ts and shouldn'ts for a few more cans, wills and shoulds...

[flippinada]

I think that's a very fair point Slim, and you are right about the use of negative language.

To explain a little further, I'm coming from the perspective of someone who has anxiety issues. it's a fine line to tread helping someone with anxiety, because you do need to be supportive but also look after your own needs too.

[ScoutFinchMockingbird]

Thanks for pointing the negative language out. I guess I am too close to the situation, so can't always see it.
Will def. try to be more positive; tell DH about ACAS etc; and try not to get too caught up in it all.
To be fair to me with regards to the job hunt thing - DH usually does delegate that kind of thing to me as he has no time to look into a lot of info. So I do initial searches and present him with narrowed down lists etc.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

A contractor leaves early; if they are on an hourly rate - you pay them the actual time they have been there so what's the problem?

[flippinada]

It sounds like you are being supportive to me Scout.

Would I would beware of is you being put into the role of being the 'responsible one' and sorting everything out for him.

[intheenddotcom]

YABU - you are his partner you are meant to listen and support.

[withextradinosaurs]

Can you set a time limit? He has until you've finished your cup of tea/beer/evening ciggie, then you put work worries away for the night.

[sunbathe]

The contractor might leave early because he's started early?

He might be on a fixed number of hours per week according to his contract and not be allowed to go over, hence leaving early.

Your dh really needs to know what the contractor's contract details.

[zeezeek]

My DH and I rant and whinge and moan about our work (we both work in the same field so both know the issues) and sometimes it does seem that there is no escape, and the office always comes home with us. However, the point is, we rant at each other - it's not just a one way street, and OP, with your DH it sounds as if it is always you listening to him, helping him, advising him and really that's not fair because whatever you do (SAHM/WOHM) sometimes you will need to talk something out with him. Does he ever allow you to? Or do you just listen to him? Either way, YANBU. He's an adult, not a child. He should be able to manage superficial day to day issues himself and should also be able to do his own job searches.

[Retropear]

Shouldn't laugh but I have the exact opposite, which bugs me.

Dp is currently disciplining 2 contractors not pulling their weight.He goes quiet and I hate it.

[ScoutFinchMockingbird]

Thanks. Contractor definitely not working contracted hours.

I do sometimes moan about my work, especially last year when I had a Nasty Problem and DH was great, though did tell me off for not handling it better. That's why I feel I can do the same.

The balance is definitely more his work than mine, but he has to listen to me whinging about DD on her difficult days.

So it probably does work out about equal.

I love DH a lot and really do try to support and succeed on the whole. But if you had someone asking you every 5 mins for about 3 hours if you thought they were in trouble/going to get sued etc, then it does wear you down a bit.

[rowna]

I think some people aren't cut out for it naturally. So he either needs to find another line of work or get some professional help to deal with it - no expert, just thinking would something like CBT help him?

Exercise is great to relieving stress. Could he go for a run or a bike ride once he gets home? It might make it seem less massive to him.

[TooOldForGlitter]

What do you mean when you say in your OP that he isn't good at managing people "except me of course''?

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Contractor definitely not working contracted hours.

Yes, so he need to stop paying him contracted hours. It really is annoyingly simple.

[flippinada]

Hang on, have I read this right....he told you off for not handling a work issue properly but you are expected to listen to him going on and on about his problems?

If so, that is massively unfair.