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AIBU?

to think history is going to repeat itself with our new baby?

37 replies

PuffyPigeon · 10/04/2014 22:43

We have four dc aged 9, 8, 7 and just turned 2. The 9 and 8 yr old are my dsc and only here sometimes. When our 2 yr old was born, dh would busy himself helping by looking after older dd, washing up, cooking etc which was great but now, 2 yrs on, our dd has very little to do with him if I'm there. She won't let him carry her or hold her hand on the odd occasion he tries, she won't be put to bed by him or settle with him if hurt or upset whether I'm there or not. She'll play with him and talk to him if I encourage her to but quite honestly, he knows little about how to 'handle' her which ends in her getting upset.

I'm pregnant and really want this baby to be attached to us both rather than just me. I haven'tbeen aanywhere or done anything without dd for two yrs and I want a bit of my life back. I said to dh that I want to express when baby is old enough so he can give baby a bottle at bedtime and stop the association with only me being able to put them to bed. However, he isof the mindset that 'babies need their mum's' and says he'll be responsible for the older dc.

I understand that some men find newborns daunting, but this is his fifth. He's upset by how dd is with him but I think if I'm left to do everything with this baby too then history will repeat itself. Aibu to think this and want him to do more with the baby so I can have some freedom and also get time to spend with the older dc?

OP posts:

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TheRealYellowWiggle · 12/04/2014 09:40

Did he become uninvolved in the care of his oldest two due to the divorce? Is that a factor?
I would suggest not telling him what you'd like, tell him what you'd need - or what the children need. The dcs need you to take them swimming every Saturday morning, or whatever. Start whatever changes you decide to make BEFORE the baby comes.

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MigGril · 12/04/2014 10:17

It could also be partly your toddlers personality my DD was the same at that age. Very clingy to me wouldn't go to her dad or let him put her to bed. We have no other children so it wasn't like he'd been busy doing anything else. She just wanted me, I did find it very hard it got easier as she got older and more accepting of him. Was possibly due to her being with me all the time, but I still think personality had a lot to do with it.
Along came her brother she was 3 by then and a little better. He was just easier from day one and his dad has always been able to settle him. DH seemed happier to cuddle DS as a baby I think mainly as he would relax with him where as DD wouldn't and he just didn't know what to do with her.
They where both ebf and nether ever had a bottle.

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GreenPetal94 · 12/04/2014 10:43

My advice is to go out without your children and leave them all (including new baby) with dh. You can express if you are breastfeeding.

When I had one and then two tiny kids I was stuck in a small flat and had mental health problems so everyone was advising me to go out. So I joined a weekly jewellery making evening class and went out with friends to cinema etc. I thought I was doing this for me, but I realise looking back it enable dh to bond with the kids, put them to bed once a week and generally gain confidence with them as they couldn't go to me (or I couldn't criticise). It worked well for us.

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Guitargirl · 12/04/2014 10:51

Am I reading it right that his children with his ex were aged 2 and 1 when your first child with him was born?

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hevak · 12/04/2014 11:05

No guitar - the 7yo is OP's DD from a previous relationship

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mewkins · 12/04/2014 11:09

Could you encourage your dh to plan good days out where he is responsible for it all? Even if ypu have to book in say a day out with a friend for her birthday or something? Dh used to find it a bit daunting to face a whole day looking after dd on his own so I would make suggestions eg. Soft play or using vouchers to go to a wildlife park or something. He gradually got more confident I think as they had a purpose for the day and he seemed to find it easier than a day at home . Not saying this is how it should be but over time it has helped him not feel daunted and he looks forward to days just him and dd.

I have also been really strict about taking it in turns to put dd to bed (this has now evolved to me starting the bath and him getting her ready for bed and reading stories. DD is a mummy's girl but gets that I need time to do stuff too.

It must be hard with more children in the mix but hopefully you can persuade dh that it's not time wasted but time making nice memories for when the kids are all grown up !

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TheRealYellowWiggle · 12/04/2014 14:10

I thought the OP's DSC meant they were the OP's dh's dcs?

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Guitargirl · 12/04/2014 14:18

Ah, yes, sorry, got confused with all the ages!

OP - you need to go out more on your own and leave him to it. He will learn to get on with things and make the best of it, letting you think that he struggles on his own is all very convenient but he needs to be able to look after his own kids!

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FutTheShuckUp · 12/04/2014 16:15

You say you want to get a bit of your life back yet are having another baby

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MerryMarigold · 12/04/2014 19:39

I think it is ambitious to leave dh with all the kids tbh. My dh struggles with 3. But I would really encourage some 1:1 time with the toddler such as swimming.

Yes, I think getting some life back with a new baby and toddler is very ambitious. You do need to put that on hold. If it ain't happened yet, it ain't gonna.

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TheRealYellowWiggle · 13/04/2014 19:17

Oh come on Merry, do women cope with three? He may indeed struggle, but as long as he keeps them all safe so what?

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Snatchoo · 13/04/2014 19:31

Well, my DH is a SAHD and my two year old is hopelessly attached to me.

When I'm at home, he is very clingy and not bothered with his dad at all so even if things drastically change with what he does with them, it might not change the way your new baby is with him.