We have four dc aged 9, 8, 7 and just turned 2. The 9 and 8 yr old are my dsc and only here sometimes. When our 2 yr old was born, dh would busy himself helping by looking after older dd, washing up, cooking etc which was great but now, 2 yrs on, our dd has very little to do with him if I'm there. She won't let him carry her or hold her hand on the odd occasion he tries, she won't be put to bed by him or settle with him if hurt or upset whether I'm there or not. She'll play with him and talk to him if I encourage her to but quite honestly, he knows little about how to 'handle' her which ends in her getting upset.
I'm pregnant and really want this baby to be attached to us both rather than just me. I haven'tbeen aanywhere or done anything without dd for two yrs and I want a bit of my life back. I said to dh that I want to express when baby is old enough so he can give baby a bottle at bedtime and stop the association with only me being able to put them to bed. However, he isof the mindset that 'babies need their mum's' and says he'll be responsible for the older dc.
I understand that some men find newborns daunting, but this is his fifth. He's upset by how dd is with him but I think if I'm left to do everything with this baby too then history will repeat itself. Aibu to think this and want him to do more with the baby so I can have some freedom and also get time to spend with the older dc?
AIBU?
to think history is going to repeat itself with our new baby?
PuffyPigeon · 10/04/2014 22:43
You say you want to get a bit of your life back yet are having another baby 
It could be a self perpetuating situation.
- dad feels rejected
- retreats from parenting
- child not used to their dad parenting
- child rejects dad
- dad feels rejected ......... pattern continues ........
Talk to him about whether the above applies. Does he actually want to break the pattern? Is he, in fact, quite happy being a parent in name only?
Sorry to ask, but if he's always been this reluctant to parent why have you gone on to have more DCs with him OP? One child is a learning curve, two - you may have hoped things would improve, but 5 ... ?
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That is hard and I do understand the almost claustrophobic feeling you get from thinking you will never, ever, ever have another minute on your own again.
My OH is similar if he looks after the children when I am in the house - which is why for us getting them to spend time together outside the house was the solution. We negotiated it (through tears I think on my part). Now I don't have to ask and he can't ' forget' - every Saturday morning unless it's raining they walk the dogs for an hour.
Knowing that break is there gets me through the nightly wake ups etc and it stops me being there to oversee their relationship. They do what suits them best and if that involves more sweets than I would like or an occasional sausage roll, well I don't know and frankly can overlook it for my 1 hour. 
Being out of the house also meant he was completely responsible for then and couldn't turn to me when our daughter needed comforting and he he had to find a way to deal with it.
I know he felt quite isolated from our daughter because she only wanted me. I think it was quite a painful thing for him and maybe he didn't try as hard with her as he could have for fear of that rejection? Certainly he treasures it so much that she is so much more comfortable with him now.
I know it is harder in your situation because you have more children but maybe try and see if you can come to an arrangement whereby he takes your daughter to the park or wherever for 30 minutes every Saturday afternoon without exception. Hopefully their own relationship can grow from that time spent together.
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