To think DH is being a d*ck re Mothers Day

[ninipops]

For the last 4 yrs, since DD1 was born, DH has made a big deal in the run up to Mothers Day about how he hates "made up" holidays eg Mothers & Fathers Day. I know some people aren't bothered but he's never asked me if I care - obviously I do - so it kinda takes all the good out of the supermarket chocs & flowers he forces himself to buy. He has no problem accepting father' s day gifts tho.

I know in the big scheme of things its not that important so let me have it!

[fryingpantoface]

I'm a bit defensive about it, sorry. :)

[BrightLightsAtNight]

fryingpan obviously you have your reasons and she sounds like hard work. I was just thinking along the lines of how awful I'd feel if my dh refused to have my mum over or my future dil/sil refused to allow me to visit my kids on specific days.
Hopefully, I won't be in that position as I don't intend to use emotional blackmail. Neither does my mum :)

[fryingpantoface]

fryingpantoface Unless your mother in law is horrible, your attitude is a bit mean.

she's not horrible. She uses emotional blackmail (she has bi-polar and keeps threatening to have a breakdown when she doesn't like what's being said to her) to get what she wants. Dh has a sister who never has his mom over on mother's day because she has other plans, a dinner party with mates etc, so she makes me and dh feel bad so invite her over and i get massively ignored while she fawns over dh and my children without acknowledging I'm there.

or, like on my first md, she wanted to have lunch alone with dh (i wasn't invited, but it was apparently ok for my 6 month old to go too) and i was left alone for 6 hours. I had really bad pnd at the tine, which everyone was aware of. So there's a lot of resentment there on mother's day.

she is actually really nice as long as she's getting what she wants.

[blanchedeveraux]

My first Mother's Day was a complete bust. PFB was 4 weeks old when Fathers Day came, it also happened to be DH's birthday the same day. I got cards and presents for both and presented them to him from tiny DD. Cut to 10 months later and my first Mothers Day. I got nothing. No acknowledgement at all. My DD was obviously far too young to do anything by herself so the onus fell on him to get a card/gift, make a special tea but he acted like it didn't happen. He gave his OWN mother a gift so it wasn't as though he was unaware of the date. 17 years later it still saddens me a bit that my first Mother's Day was so shite.

[MaryWestmacott]

What Iwould do is sit him down tonight (so he's still got time to turn this round!) say that while you understand he thinks it's a pile of shite, you think it's really important your DD learns she should be thankful for having parents who do so much for her and that's why you make a fuss of father's day, so you teach your DD she shouldn't take her Daddy for granted. That at 4, this is a year when your DD will "get" mothers day if he teachs her - that you would like to be thanked one day for all the work you put into looking after her. That you don't want a lot of money spent, but effort, if he could make a card with her, or perhaps take her to the pound shop and get her to pick something. Get her to 'help' him make you lunch and spoil mummy. Repeat that you make teh effort on father's day to teach them about being grateful to him, he has to do it back to you, and just watching the footie and acting like it's a normal day won't do that.

Point out in a couple of years, when DD is old enough to make effort by herself, she wont think to do it unless he teaches her now. He's got 2-3 years of having to make an effort entirely by himself. 2-3 days isn't that much to ask is it?

[BrightLightsAtNight]

fryingpantoface Unless your mother in law is horrible, your attitude is a bit mean.

I agree with 'he's not your mother' line being rubbish. He should be helping his children to express themselves and show their mother their appreciation in the way the family wants to recognise the day.

You should always let other people know if some things are important to you and they don't realise. You shouldn't need to fume silently then build up resentment.

[Pagwatch]

I too love 'spectre toy' planning

[bleedingheart]

They don't need you to be THEIR mother to appreciate you as the mother of their children, and to support their small children in making something or drawing a picture on a card.

[Pagwatch]

No. I'm afraid the 'he's not your mother' line actually is a pile of shit.

We teach our children kindness and we facilitate the ways in which they can demonstrate that .
He is their father. Until they are big enough to independently recognise the date and organise the way in which they chose to acknowledge it, it is his job to help, assist and manage.

So if they are to be shut in a room with card making crap then he organises that. He talks to them, checks its what they want to do and helps them hide it.

[OwlCapone]

why do people always trot out "he's not your mother" ?

It's really quite obvious, it's because he isn't. HTH.

Like I say, my children get shut in a room with craft stuff. Far more meaningful than some commercial crap bought by a reluctant father.

[fryingpantoface]

I'd be really annoyed. I don't want much for MD, I never do. I want a photo of dh with my 2 sons (same gift every year) for just me, and a nice meal cooked for me. I've also added the caveat of his mother not coming around, as she's spent md with him for the last 7 years, and this will be my third md. I want some acknowledgement too sometimes!

[Fusedog]

Op so is mine when is asked about Mother's Day

he replied your not my mother

[OwlCapone]

Oh, I loved the enigmatic Spectre Toy planning :)

[Simplesusan]

That should be "secretly planning"!!!!

[SelectAUserName]

The issue isn't whether there's a right or a wrong side to liking Mother's Day, or what other MNers do or think. The issue is firstly lack of communication - have you told him, in a non-confrontational, non-whiny way that MD is important to you and you would appreciate a little bit of consideration? And if not, why not?

If you have had that conversation and he is still being a dick, or you have that conversation in the future and he continues to be a dick then you have a bigger problem, because then it isn't a case of simply having differing opinions about a particular holiday; it's about you expressing a not-unreasonable wish to have Mother's Day - one day out of 365 - the way you would like it to be, which will require a small but not ridiculously onerous amount of time, thought and care on his part, and him disregarding your not-unreasonable wish because of - what? Laziness? Lack of respect? Not wanting his routine to be interrupted? Whatever the reason - and it can't be a burning principle against commercialisation, since he's happy to accept Father's Day presents - it's symptomatic of a bigger issue.

But you need to have that rational conversation first, where you explain to him what you would like to happen, and take it from there depending on his reaction.

[Simplesusan]

Btw all I ever wanted on Mother's Day was for someone else to cook the meals and do the washing up and make me a cuppa. I didn't care about bought cards and gifts.


After 20 years only once did dh make the first coffees.

Is it too much to ask that for one day a mother gets a bloody day off.


This year I am away with friends and then dcs are "specter toy" planning something with my mum.


So much better now that he has gone.

[bleedingheart]

Oh Pagwatch! Thank you! you have said exactly what I was thinking.


How much effort is it for him to STFU about made-up events and just buy a bloody card and present and give it without an agenda? If you know something will make your partner happy and it costs you very little financially or emotionally, why wouldn't you do it? I don't get it.

[Simplesusan]

I think the problem is about the lack of appreciation your dh shows towards you full stop.

He takes for granted that he can do exactly as he pleases and you will conform and continue to do all the crappy ,housework. His excuse is that Mother's Day is made up.

The problem you have is that someone has to care for you dd and he gladly piles that onto you.

I understand exactly where you are coming from as I had a dh like yours, he is now my exh.

It is all very well posters saying do what you want to do but you then feel guilt over your dd.

I think the problem runs so much deeper I that you dh doesn't pull his weight and you are caught in the trap of wife doing all the crap.


Spoil yourself and go out with dd.

Make sure too that he gets nothing from you on Father's Day as it is after all "a made up day".

Sorry for you op.

[LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot]

If he bitches again, then dont do anything for Fathers day, even likes it or he dont.

CommanderShepard Congrats on the spectacular name........

I Should go!

[Fairenuff]

What is he like about other occasions where he has to put someone else before him?

If you want anything to change you must ensure that there is no football watching on Sunday. If you want to continue like this then let him get on with pleasing himself as usual.

Why don't you talk to him and tell him how you feel?

[travailtotravel]

Two way street - run up to Fathers Day, he gets the same arguments back and a thoughtless gift with you doing someting you want to balance out his (hoping to watch football).

Trouble is, he'll like that. If he's being honest about 'fake holidays;.

[picnicbasketcase]

What Pagwstch said - it's important to you, you'd like him to acknowledge that in a non churlish way and you need to tell him. Otherwise you've got years ahead of feeling like shit every Mother's Day wishing someone would show that they appreciate you instead of ignoring it and watching football.
Also, he's a dickheaded hypocrite if he sees nothing wrong with accepting cards and presents on Father's Day but when it comes to making an effort for you, it's suddenly a made up holiday. Thoughtless.

[Pagwatch]

Actually Magna my experience of mn is that women wanting a present or card for Mother's Day or their birthday or Christmas makes them pathetic and cheerfully flogging yourself with a dishcloth is the only acceptable reaction to any event where one could remotely expectyour partner or children be nice to you.

[OwlCapone]

Your problem clearly isn't about Mothering Sunday at all.