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AIBU?

to think that if a 14 year old hasn't got their homework sorted by 8am Monday, they should not be bailed out

79 replies

LooSeatInTheSkyWithDiamonds · 17/03/2014 09:25

We asked several times if she had homework or if she needed to take anything to school on Monday. Find a recipe and take the ingredients came the answer, which i thought she had sorted but it turns out (10 mins before she leaves the house) that she hasn't got the recipe she needs to take. So DH offers to look it up and get it to her at school within the hour. WTF?! She spends her entire life on her phone; it takes 30s to google a recipe. This is not the first time that something like this has happened (and I'm sure it will happen again). AIBU?

OP posts:

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TheBody · 17/03/2014 10:14

Cognito that's harsh. a good teacher should know what you are capable of.

at dss first school where I now work, the HT cancelled the Easter bonnet parade as the hats were so ornate and Ascot like the little kids couldn't take the weight. one had flashing lights on from a battery attached to her headband. ffs. the eggs flashed.

it caused outrage. honestly some parents just are mad.

TheBody · 17/03/2014 10:15

they said their kid had worked hard on the project and it was quite obviously the best model. our teacher thank god was quite equal to the knob.

AMumInScotland · 17/03/2014 10:21

I think you've hit the nail on the head by saying he feels guilty - I think it's pretty common for separated/divorced parents to feel they ^ought" to be doing things for them to 'make up' for the fact they're not there all the time.

But I think it's worth having a polite and supportive conversation with your DH about the fact that he's not doing her any favours in the long run by not teaching her to stand on her own two feet. He doesn't still hold onto the back of her bike, or hold her hand when crossing the road - it's right to teach them how to do things for themselves, when they reach an age where they are capable. And part of that is teaching them to think things through and accept the consequences. Else, as others have said, how will she cope when she gets a job or goes away to uni?

HSMMaCM · 17/03/2014 10:31

I only bailed DD out once, because she'd worked really hard on a piece of work for science all weekend, then forgot to take it to school on Monday. It was only because I knew she'd worked so hard though. Anything else she's had to live with.

HolidayCriminal · 17/03/2014 10:33

I get what OP is saying but tbh I have bigger battles to fight. If I am willing to do (for me small effort things) to help them, I think it gives me more leverage when they are being completely unreasonable. It's a personal choice & no right or wrong to it.

Goblinchild · 17/03/2014 10:35

It is a PITA if you are the teacher though, Holiday.
Constant interruptions because of a stream of forgotten items are infuriating.

Martorana · 17/03/2014 10:38

I've always helped mine if I can- I think that if I'd do a friend a favour- which I would if I could- why wouldn't I do he same for one of my children ?

I
Obviously if they were taking the piss I wouldn't - but they don't.

HolidayCriminal · 17/03/2014 10:42

I can only comment on small example like OP describes, and I never do projects for DC!

What kind of sanctions would be imposed for missing cookery ingredients, can anyone say?

DS who doesn't care about school simply wouldn't care what sanction was imposed: but we would want to show to him that we DO care about him taking part & being prepared. So by bringing food ingredients (IF convenient to us), we wouldn't be bailing DS out, so much as telling him that school matters and he will be expected to take part despite his best efforts to be indifferent.

mrsjay · 17/03/2014 10:43

there is helping them and doing it all for them that is the problem obviously i would never leave my dc to struggle but some parents do take the biscuit and IMP they are setting their child up for a fall if they do every thing for the, the homework and art work especially,

AramintaDeWinter · 17/03/2014 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 17/03/2014 10:51

I did take stuff into school when daughter phoned & it was possible for her to come to the school gate in a break.

It's a 15min bike ride & I was going into town anyway so not out of my way.

Goblinchild · 17/03/2014 10:51

So then you'd do what I had to with my DS.

Check his homework.
Make him look up the recipe and print it and show it to me. (Friday)

Tell him to locate all the ingredients, and give him money to go and get those that we didn't have.
Check that he is correct and that the ingredients match the needs of the recipe. (Saturday).

Get him to line up all the ingredients and weigh them out and put them into suitable containers, and refrigerate if necessary.
Check he doesn't need anything else like a baking tin.
Make sure that he has a suitable bag for putting them all in, and that the recipe is in a plastic wallet in the bag (Sunday)

Remind him to take the bag, and check that it has all the ingredients and equipment in, and the recipe. (Monday)

If they need that level of support, you give it to them.
If he suddenly turns round on Monday morning and says 'Oh, I forgot...' then he has to face the consequences. Mummy and Daddy both work full-time and leave the house before 8am. We can't be trotting into school with a happy smile and our halos glowing as we support our baby.

diddl · 17/03/2014 10:55

Our PFB forgot his pencil case once.

Husband casually suggested I might be able to take it in.

I declined.

15yr old son was very pleased I didn't do as his dad had suggested

bonkersLFDT20 · 17/03/2014 10:56

It's one thing popping into school with forgotten swimming kit for a 4 year old. That's a nice thing to do.

At 14...they should be responsible for themselves.

Martorana · 17/03/2014 10:57

Goblin- i can't see much difference between what you do and dropping forgotten stuff off at school, frankly!

Martorana · 17/03/2014 10:58

"At 14...they should be responsible for themselves." Of course they should. But have you never forgotten anything?

Goblinchild · 17/03/2014 10:59

It's about the preparation involved, DS has Asperger's and when he was 14, he required that level of support to make sure that he was ready for a practical lesson.
In the OP's case, they asked the DD if she needed stuff and she did sod all about it until the morning.
There is a huge difference.

BirthdayMuppet · 17/03/2014 11:01

Good grief Goblin talk about spoon feeding! I certainly wouldn't be providing that level of support to an NT 14 year old - surely you're joking?

BirthdayMuppet · 17/03/2014 11:02

Ah, epic cross post, sorry.

HolidayCriminal · 17/03/2014 11:02

I wouldn't do all that, Goblin. No frigging way. I am not criticising, we each manage best we can. But no way. If I noticed & I could easily bring the stuff instead in spite of his best efforts to sabotage the entire exercise, then I would bring it. But no way I'd do all the organisation-management-forward planning stuff. Forward planning is exactly the skill I want him to get motivated to do himself, and that I will not do for him. Any consequences of not forward planning are exactly the consequences I most want him to face.

That consequence may only be the dread of seeing his scruffy parent turn up on campus with the wee bits the wee laddie forgot to take with him. Or whatever his teacher imposes... or both.

TheBody · 17/03/2014 11:02

it's a case by case basis I think coupled with the attitude of your child and the age of your child.

everyone drops a bollock on occasions and of course that's when you step in to help but doing it all the time and so saving your child from all consequences of their actions is silly as they don't learn responsibility.

DeWe · 17/03/2014 11:03

When I was year 2 we had a decorated egg competition. The teachers, after we had put our designs down divided them clearly into "parent made" and "child made", two fairly equal groups. I saw mine was in the wrong group, and told the teacher, who moved it without question.
Actually it was very simple. I'd done a daffodil: painted the egg yellow and stuck on petals and a green straw for the stalk. But I was a bit pleased that they thought my parents had done it or maybe they had no faith in mum's art skills

I won too.

For dd1's home ec. I require her to put any ingredients on the list herself, enough in advance that it's bought in time. She has to weigh and get it ready, but sometimes she calls me to help with fitting it into the box she takes, as it isn't very big.

I did take her games kit in once, because it was my fault she forgot it. She'd left it by the front door, and I'd gone out and hung it on the coat rack. If it had been her fault I probably wouldn't have taken it in.

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ivykaty44 · 17/03/2014 11:06

I heard dd2 get out of bed at 5.50 last Monday morning and creep downstairs. She spent an hour doing homework and then got read for school as normal.

I asked if she was ok when I went down and put the kettle on and she said yes - she had forgotten homework for English as she hadn't written it in her diary and had remembered sunday evening and so set her alarm early to give her over an hour to get it done.

I made her a cup of tea and got on with my day and so did dd2

we all forget stuff from time to time but it is how we sort it out ourselves

Goblinchild · 17/03/2014 11:08

Exactly, forward planning and teaching them what to do and when to do it.
Then removing one step of support at a time, so that after a period of time, for DS that was around a term and a half, he knew the steps and could do them himself. Especially once he'd written them down in his notebook and went through the list each time he had cooking.
Likewise with his watersports, he knows there are 6 items in his bag and has to check them off and back in so that he's not left toweless or trunkless.
But at 14, if he forgot something for school that was on his list, he had to cope. It's why he packed his bag independently the night before.

Goblinchild · 17/03/2014 11:09

ivykaty, good response to your DD, and good on her for sorting out the problem herself.

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