to think that if a 14 year old hasn't got their homework sorted by 8am Monday, they should not be bailed out

[LooSeatInTheSkyWithDiamonds]

We asked several times if she had homework or if she needed to take anything to school on Monday. Find a recipe and take the ingredients came the answer, which i thought she had sorted but it turns out (10 mins before she leaves the house) that she hasn't got the recipe she needs to take. So DH offers to look it up and get it to her at school within the hour. WTF?! She spends her entire life on her phone; it takes 30s to google a recipe. This is not the first time that something like this has happened (and I'm sure it will happen again). AIBU?

[TheBody]

goldmandra yes I totally agree with you and said that up thread.

we are talking about the ops dd whose dad repeatedly steps in to save the day. that's daft. of course you teach the skills and support. then let them toddle with support and then fly.

as I said sometimes we all fuck up and of course that's when you step in especially in times like GCSEs but not all the time every time.

independence is a skill that has to be taught, practised and learned over time.

[bigTillyMint]

LooSeat, you sound like our kind of neighbours!

[LooSeatInTheSkyWithDiamonds]

We borrowed stuff from the neighbours once every few weeks or so, and they from us. But we lived in the middle of nowhere, 30mins drive from the nearest shop. It was lethal; it usually turned into a glass of wine and a chat and before you knew it, you'd have forgotten what you were trying to cook in the first place.

[Goldmandra]

Surely neighbours don't borrow ingredients anymore? No longer necessary now shops have such long (even 24 hour) opening hours.

We live in a rural village and I regularly send a child to NDN or across the road to borrow and onion, some tinned tomatoes, etc and they do the same to me.

Our nearest 24 hour shop is 20 mins drive away.

[bigTillyMint]

ukatlast, my NDN and I (well, more her than me) often pop round to see if the other has spare milk/eggs/some baking ingredient. And we live round the corner from about 5 24hour shops!

Thankfully mine have never had to take much in for Food Tech - mainly just an "extra" ingredient to spice up the odd recipe. DD would never forget, DS just smiled sweetly at the girls, I think!

[ukatlast]

Surely neighbours don't borrow ingredients anymore? No longer necessary now shops have such long (even 24 hour) opening hours.

[Goldmandra]

you are not teaching independence and planning to a child and that's not good parenting

I'm not sure that's teaching. That's allowing them to sink or swim which will only work if they can swim.

Teaching them to be independent is more about scaffolding them with reminders, asking questions about when they plan to do things, making sure time scales are realistic, etc. Once the teaching is done and you know they have the skills to be independent and are choosing not to use them, is the time to allow them to learn the hard way.

I can see why the OP is cross but the solution isn't for her DH to suddenly refuse to bail her out. His role starts by explaining what the consequences will be of her not being organised because she's now old enough to take responsibility herself. That way she knows that she won't be bailed out at the last minute and it won't all come as a big shock when she can't go back and change it.

I take the view that we all make mistakes and give my DCs the benefit of the doubt when they forget something and I have once done the dropping off of a violin on music lesson day. That said it is perfectly appropriate to allow a repeat offender to learn the hard way if you know they have been warned, could do it and just cannot be bothered.

[TheBody]

op sounds normal to me.

plenty of teens send parents running screaming for the hills, let alone other people's teens!!

[Nocomet]

YANBU
I have a soft DH who either bails DDs out or guilt trips me into doing so.

Fortunately they don't mess it up very often or we would have had words by now.

[LooSeatInTheSkyWithDiamonds]

Lots of amusing tales of competitive parenting, they have made me smile. Fortunately, DH doesn't go that far with the homework.

Completely get what those of you with DDs with AS are saying. However DD has no problem planning her social life. Her issue is definitely one of teenage entitlement and just generally pushing her luck.

"OP seems peeved that her DH wants to be kind to his DD" - no, OP is peeved that it happens every time DD is with us. If it's not her homework, it's that she doesn't have any clothes to wear and needs to be dropped home (no, that will be because you took them all to your Mums and left them there and you've been running around outside in your socks so now they all have holes in them), or that she absolutely has to be at so-and-so's in 15 mins and can't possibly walk because xyz. I'm peeved because she doesn't consider the impact her actions have on anyone else.

Teenagers. Pah!

[secretscwirrels]

Addictedtomaltesers Well I'm going to go completely against the grain here and say YABU. I agree with you.
I was reading down this thread and thinking what a mean spirited bunch. Of course it's our job to teach them to be organised but the OP seems peeved that her DH wants to be kind to his DD.

I've done my share of last minute cookery but it hasn't resulted in a DS who can't manage his time. In fact last week when I left my lunch in the fridge at home he dropped it off at my work for me. . He was being kind, of course he could have left it there to teach me a lesson.

[TheBody]

Ivykaty your dd sounds a great kid. sensible solution to her problem. you must be proud.

[TheBody]

totally depends on the situation, the personality/age of the child and the magnitude of the offence. forgotten PE kit once at a push twice then no more otherwise you are not teaching independence and planning to a child and that's not good parenting.

GCSE week and stressful times of course you support and help wherever possible.

Uselessidiot at our school we would have shown the presentation and looked at all the kids work and praised all of it, and had a bloody good laugh in the staff room at the daft parents.

[Addictedtomaltesers]

martorana

That's exactly what I think. We must be kindred spirits

Not saying I never get exasperated by the dc sometimes but I tend to try and go for the positive lessons in life first. I don't understand the hard line approach over small issues, just seems like more stress and ill feeling all round.

You can still get the same responsibility message across but without the argument and resentment!

[sunbathe]

I don't think it does any harm to bail them out, from time to time.

We all make mistakes.

[Martorana]

"martorana - twice is once to often and what harm would it do if they remembered their own ingredients when they went shopping or went without it wouldn't do them any harm."

No of course it wouldn't do any harm. But neither would you lending them whatever it was.

I am constantly amazed at the mean spiritedness I find on Mumsnet- I must be lucky in real life.......

[HopeClearwater]

It depends on your dc's attitude, doesn't it. If they're usually conscientious and make the effort, then it's reasonable to help out when they make an error. If however they've got the teenage entitlement thing going on and believe that it's your responsibility to get them all sorted without any effort on their part, then they have to learn that it isn't.

I've still got friends in their 40s who are being bailed out by Mummy and Daddy because the parent-child dynamic never changed as they grew up.

[ivykaty44]

martorana - twice is once to often and what harm would it do if they remembered their own ingredients when they went shopping or went without it wouldn't do them any harm.

I have lovely neighbours by the way who I have given many bundles of clothes to for their dc and mowed the lawn when they were sick etc. But we don't take the piss out of each other and yes I have lent eggs

[Martorana]

There are lots of lessons to be learned. One is, of course, not to forget your homework. But another one is that if you do screw up, the people who love you will do what they can to help.

[Goldmandra]

Maybe you should suggest to him that next time he's asking her if she has homework he should also inform her that she needs to think carefully because he won't be bailing her out again.

That way she has fair warning that she needs to up her game a bit and he won't feel guilty for suddenly dropping her in it when she's been able to rely in him in the future.

We tried letting DD1 learn from her own experiences of being disorganised when she was 12 because we were fed up with having to bail her out. It caused enormous trauma and didn't work. We found out later that year that she has AS. We had just put it down to her approaching teenage and being a bit lazy.

There are lots of children who have those organisational difficulties and don't have a diagnosis so it is worth thinking about whether letting them sink or swim is really the right thing to do. Some will sink through no fault of their own.

[Martorana]

"thats not what I said, I said if my neighbour kept asking to borrow ingredients then I would say no and yes I really would say no as I am not a convenience store"

Your post said you would refuse the second time. I just wondered why. It doesn't do you any harm does it? Unless she doesn't return whatever it is.

[ivykaty44]

martorana -So are you saying that if your neighbour asked to borrow something that you had sitting in your kitchen and you didn't immediately need you would actually say no? Really?????? Why?

thats not what I said, I said if my neighbour kept asking to borrow ingredients then I would say no and yes I really would say no as I am not a convenience store

[Martorana]

"I can assure you if my neighbour had forgotten the ingredients for a cake and knocked on my door to ask me for the entrée list I would stand their gobsmacked. If she knocked on my door and asked me to borrow one item on the list I would most probably lend her this ingredient once - but if she knocked again I would refuse."

So are you saying that if your neighbour asked to borrow something that you had sitting in your kitchen and you didn't immediately need you would actually say no? Really?????? Why?

[treas]

First question we always ask after asking how dc day was is "Any homework set?" as the house rules are do your homework the night it is set (unless its yet another geography project that has 3 weeks to be done - four so far this year!)

We always ask the dc if they have any homework to hand in when they leave the house for school - after that it is their problem.

Mind you this has been something we started from the first day they got homework set so it is something they are use to.

I did deliver a piece of work to school for ds last week as it was crib notes for an assessment he had in French, which he left because he'd been revising the night before - but school is literally up the road and he knows it was his only bailout card.