Was I wrong to shout at my sister over the phone?

[bengal38]

It was my dad's birthday last weekend but as he wasn't feeling well my mum told us not to go round to see him for his birthday. We did all ring to wish him a Happy Birthday though.

Last Thursday my MIL invited us to go to her house for a Barbecue yesterday (Sunday). I told my mum that I had got my dad a present and when it would be convenient to go round to see my dad and give the present as they were in/out over the weekend.

My mum then asked me if I was going round for dinner and I explained to her that I couldn't as MIL had invited me to go round to eat at her house on the Sunday. I asked if I could go round on Saturday instead for dinner and she said she couldn't as she was going out with friends on that night.

My mum said ok but then she phoned me back after 5 mins and said that it was her turn on Sunday (my sister does turns but I don't and my parents already knew that) and she was going to do my dad a birthday cake. I told her that she shouldn't have left it to the last minute to tell me and I had already accepted MILs invitation.

Later on my sister phoned me up to ask me why I wasn't go round to my mum's for dinner and I said to her exactly what I told my mum. She then started to say to me that I was out of order as my mum was going to arrange a birthday cake for my dad and that I should ring up my MIL to tell her that I am not going to be going there to eat and that I am going to go to my mums for dinner. I told her no as that wouldn't be very nice as I had already accepted her invitation to go.

She then told me it was my mums turn but I told her that I don't do turns and that I just go to who-ever invites us as a family first. There are some Sundays though where we do stay at home as a family. Also my sister doesn't get on with her inlaws so is at my parents mostly for dinner rather than taking it in turns anyway.

It ended up with me losing my patience with her, shouting at her and putting the phone down on her.

I went on Sunday afternoon to give my dad his card/present and my mum didn't even acknowledge my existence that I was there so after not even 30 mins I got the kids and left.

My sister is still not talking to me and my mum hasn't even phoned me but I did call her tonight and she was very very off with me on the phone.

[Eatriskier]

Yanbu. Well maybe to even engage and shout but in principle no. Like others have said you'd probably get the same treatment if you cancelled on them for an important time for mil. You probably can't win.

My sis pulled rubbish like this all the time including telling me how disgusting I was for not cancelling on in laws once. My in laws get together 2/3 times a year, so it's not often my dc see their wider family be these dates are made far in advance. She thinks my family's last minute plans should always trump my dcs family. Unless of course it's her in laws and the same circumstances except she has no dc as an excuse to put them first. She sees no hypocrisy.

[LovelyJubblies]

Was your Dad ok with you not going?
Tbh thats the most important thing.
I personally would have spoken to mil, explain that your DF was poorly on his actual birthday and would she mind you postponing.
Im on of those weirdo adults who loves birthdays and wants to celebrate. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

[jay55]

As your mum only decided she was doing a cake for your dad after she knew you were going to your mil yanbu to keep your plans.
It's really not your sisters business and they are both being childish.

[waltermittymissus]

It wasn't FIL birthday was it?

And I didn't read that OP's mum knew about the BBQ?

Either way you could have said to MIL that it was your dad's birthday dinner and as such you would come by and visit her later that day.

If you didn't want to that's fine too. And a valid choice.

But shouting is never going to get you far!

[HoneyDragon]

That should read plans to go to fathers birthday.

Sorry for confusing things in my last post

[waltermittymissus]

:) I've just re-read the whole OP!

[Oldraver]

Crikey, you dont half manage to fall out with people dont you ?

[Joysmum]

I don't understand why you wouldn't explain to your mum that you were going round to MIL's but would ring her to find out if she'd be put out by you postponing. Then call your mum back.

You didn't even try and that's sent a very clear message to your mum and sister.

[5Foot5]

I am astonished at how many people are saying you should have cancelled with your MIL.

So rude after you had already accepted. You did the right thing in sticking to the first arrangement. After all Sunday was a beautiful day for a BBQ and your MIL may have already bought in all the food for it and would have been understandably upset if you had backed out.

Your sister and Mum sound like they are behaving like spoiled children. If they persist maybe you should ask them how they would like it if you had accepted an invitation to go to their house and then turned round and said you had changed your mind because your MIL had asked you to go there instead.

[2rebecca]

I'm more surprised that your dad doesn't always have a birthday cake and that he doesn't get to eat it on his actual birthday. We are big on birthday cakes in my family. One person can end up with several if they visit different relatives on their birthday.
My husband knows that I don't care if I don't have a present on my birthday but a cake is compulsary.
As this cake was a week late I don't see what the big deal is as you were there the following day (but don't mention whether or not you got offered any cake).
Your mum and sister sound nuts.

[2rebecca]

Actually I see that you were there on the Sunday ie the day they were cutting the cake. In that case i really don't see what the issue is at all. You were there on cake cutting day and just had a prior invite. Sunday afternoon sounds the perfect time for tea and cake.
I wouldn't cancel dinner at my MILs for anything other than an emergency as she would have planned things meticulously.

[LoonvanBoon]

I'm also surprised at the number of people saying the OP should have cancelled the meal with MIL.

I don't even think that's the main issue. The issue is that OP made a decision not to cancel a pre-arranged event, & her mum & sister showed that they don't have one iota of respect for her right to make decisions they don't like.

Their behaviour sounds rude & childish, & the whole dynamic of sister & mum "ganging up" is pathetic & must be a real PITA for you, OP. Do they do this often? Your sister sounds like a controlling nightmare if that conversation is typical.

It's a shame you ended up shouting, but understandable given such a frustrating conversation. My advice would be to cut down on the excuses in future & on feeling that you need to justify yourself.

Clear, simple, assertive statements ("No, I'm not prepared to cancel the meal with MIL"), repeated if necessary, would be the way I'd try & deal with a situation like that. Refuse to be drawn in - "I've already told you I'm not prepared to do that". I think you were perfectly justified in putting the 'phone down as your sister was clearly not going to let up.

What do you want to do now, OP? Just stay out of their way until they've calmed down? Or do you want to tell them how pissed off you are? If the latter, I'd plan what you're going to say first & make sure you can do it calmly. I certainly wouldn't make the effort to go round again if they're going to sulk & be "off" with you.

[Rebelwithoutapplause]

Totally got bored halfway through the OP.

Grow up the pair of you

[MajorGrinch]

Totally got bored halfway through the OP.

Obviously not bored enough to not let us know what an idiot you are though....

I think you were right OP, your Mum & Sister are out of order....

[Kandypane]

I just think that family comes first. If you could have gone to your family, celebrated your dad's bday (especially as he had been ill) and then gone to the BBQ later I'm sure all would have been happy. At the end of the day in sure you wasnt special guest star at the BBQ and they could have done without you.

[2rebecca]

But she had agreed to go to see her husband's mother who is as much family to the couple as the OP's father. This isn't some casual acquaintance. If her mum wanted to do a special meal she should have asked the OP earlier, or had the special meal on the Saturday when the OP could make it. The mum wasn't keen to cancel her prearranged "going out with friends" (who aren't family) but expected the OP to break her prearranged family meal arrangement.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

I'm curious as to what the posters who think that the OP should cancel think the OP's DH and children should have done if the OP cancelled?

Why should they miss out because the OP's "D"M and "D"Sis are petulant teenagers.

[MajorGrinch]

Loving the people saying "family comes first" - the MIL is family - to the DH she trumps the OP's parents & to the DC she's exactly the same relationship!!

The OP's parents buggered her around & got upset when she didn't (quite rightly) drop everything to accommodate their request....

[bengal38]

My sister hasn't spoken to me since I put the phone down on her. My mum is very off with me when I call her (so I don't know why I bother calling her).

Should I just call her or just leave things until she calls me?

Plus it is my niece's birthday on Monday.

[SallyMcgally]

Give your niece exactly the present and attention you would in ordinary circumstances. Call round and say Happy Birthday if that's what you would ordinarily do. If you sister ignores you your niece can at least see your example of how to behave as an adult. I wouldn't bother keeping phoning your mother tbh. Let her get in touch as and when she chooses to get a grip.

[bengal38]

We don't normally go round. Normally I would ring to say Happy Birthday. But on Monday after school my sister is getting together with my Cousin and maybe her Sis-in-law at a restaurant to exchange presents. As of yet I haven't had an invite and if I don't will just post the card/money in the letter-box.

My mum hasn't called me up yet and she always phones me at 4pm when I have got kids from school.

[2rebecca]

I wouldn't chase after them. I'd call round with present/ money for your niece as you said and maybe phone your niece to wish her happy birthday. I'd leave your mum, it's only been a few days, she knows where you are if she wants to apologise. I'm disappointed your dad isn't stepping in to sort this out, it's his birthday the fuss was about after all and he seems very silent on it with various women getting worked up on his behalf. he's maybe wondering what the fuss is all about, or unaware there is a fuss.