Was I wrong to shout at my sister over the phone?

[bengal38]

It was my dad's birthday last weekend but as he wasn't feeling well my mum told us not to go round to see him for his birthday. We did all ring to wish him a Happy Birthday though.

Last Thursday my MIL invited us to go to her house for a Barbecue yesterday (Sunday). I told my mum that I had got my dad a present and when it would be convenient to go round to see my dad and give the present as they were in/out over the weekend.

My mum then asked me if I was going round for dinner and I explained to her that I couldn't as MIL had invited me to go round to eat at her house on the Sunday. I asked if I could go round on Saturday instead for dinner and she said she couldn't as she was going out with friends on that night.

My mum said ok but then she phoned me back after 5 mins and said that it was her turn on Sunday (my sister does turns but I don't and my parents already knew that) and she was going to do my dad a birthday cake. I told her that she shouldn't have left it to the last minute to tell me and I had already accepted MILs invitation.

Later on my sister phoned me up to ask me why I wasn't go round to my mum's for dinner and I said to her exactly what I told my mum. She then started to say to me that I was out of order as my mum was going to arrange a birthday cake for my dad and that I should ring up my MIL to tell her that I am not going to be going there to eat and that I am going to go to my mums for dinner. I told her no as that wouldn't be very nice as I had already accepted her invitation to go.

She then told me it was my mums turn but I told her that I don't do turns and that I just go to who-ever invites us as a family first. There are some Sundays though where we do stay at home as a family. Also my sister doesn't get on with her inlaws so is at my parents mostly for dinner rather than taking it in turns anyway.

It ended up with me losing my patience with her, shouting at her and putting the phone down on her.

I went on Sunday afternoon to give my dad his card/present and my mum didn't even acknowledge my existence that I was there so after not even 30 mins I got the kids and left.

My sister is still not talking to me and my mum hasn't even phoned me but I did call her tonight and she was very very off with me on the phone.

[ilovesooty]

In your position I wouldn't speak to either of them again until they'd apologised to me.

[YouStayClassySanDiego]

You have a difficult family, going by your previous threads.

Your Mum and sister are both tits, ignore them, perhaps permanently.

[bengal38]

Went past today to drop off my niece's birthday card (with money inside).
Hope she gets it - only thing is that she has gates around her house and her letterbox is outside.

She still isn't talking to me and I'm not talking to her either. Don't want to make the first move as in previous times it has always been me that has.

[2rebecca]

As it was well past his birthday it's a shame he couldn't have given you some cake. There would have been plenty left for your sister.
I'm sure if my dad had a birthday cake and one of us arrived in the early afternoon and another in late afternoon we'd have both got cake.
We'd probably both have sung to him as well (but wouldn't have insisted on blowing out the candle/s twice unless we had a small sprog in tow to "help")

[bengal38]

They didn't cut the cake until my sister arrived for dinner in the after-noon. My mum made no effort with me or the kids so I made no effort either and had no tea (childish I know). I was in and out within 30 mins.

[2rebecca]

I still don't see why they couldn't cut the birthday cake when you were there in the afternoon anyway. You don't normally have cake as part of a meal anyway, mid afternoon is more normal in our house. They seem to have been making a bizarre fuss over a 1 week late birthday cake. it does seem to be a little drama for the sake of a little drama.
If I had a nice cake and my kids could make the afternoon and not the evening of cake day then I'd just eat the cake in the afternoon. I don't understand the fuss at all. You were there, you could have eaten the cake if your dad had bothered to cut it. Did he or did they save it until you had gone out of spite?

[bengal38]

No they didn't book anything Icimoi.

It was just a normal Sunday dinner with a Birthday cake for my dad which if you re-read my post you will see they left it late to tell me when my MIL told me from the day before.

If they had booked anything I would have known from before and gone.

[Icimoi]

I don't think it would necessarily have been rude to cancel MIL. If you'd explained that this was a substitute birthday thing I doubt she'd have been offended, and from what you say you see her very regularly. That's a very different thing from cancelling friends as people seem to have expected OP's mother to do - they may have gone to expense, e.g. booking a restaurant or theatre tickets.

Are your mother and sister being like this because they're worried about your df?

[SallyMcgally]

I'd be ready to say that you think their behaviour was unacceptable if she mentions it, but if she doesn't bring it up it might be as well to let it pass.

[bengal38]

She didn't say anything about what has happened nor about the fact that me and my sister haven't phoned each other - she just asked how I was and how the kids were and that was pretty much it.

If by any chance my sister does phone me (which I'm sure she will at some point when she gets her head together as well) should I say anything to her?

[SallyMcgally]

Well she should be upset about being an idiot. But at least there was an olive branch there. Was she nice to you?

[bengal38]

My mum eventually phoned me at 6.45pm to see how I am and I could tell she was upset about what happened.

[waltermittymissus]

I'd phone anyway.

That way they can't accuse you of not bothering!

If she doesn't let you speak to dn then that's her choice but you'll have done nothing wrong!

[Daiso]

I have nothing constructive to add but just wanted to say that I'm glad it's not just my family that act like brats at times.
By the way - YWNBU

[2rebecca]

I wouldn't chase after them. I'd call round with present/ money for your niece as you said and maybe phone your niece to wish her happy birthday. I'd leave your mum, it's only been a few days, she knows where you are if she wants to apologise. I'm disappointed your dad isn't stepping in to sort this out, it's his birthday the fuss was about after all and he seems very silent on it with various women getting worked up on his behalf. he's maybe wondering what the fuss is all about, or unaware there is a fuss.

[bengal38]

We don't normally go round. Normally I would ring to say Happy Birthday. But on Monday after school my sister is getting together with my Cousin and maybe her Sis-in-law at a restaurant to exchange presents. As of yet I haven't had an invite and if I don't will just post the card/money in the letter-box.

My mum hasn't called me up yet and she always phones me at 4pm when I have got kids from school.

[SallyMcgally]

Give your niece exactly the present and attention you would in ordinary circumstances. Call round and say Happy Birthday if that's what you would ordinarily do. If you sister ignores you your niece can at least see your example of how to behave as an adult. I wouldn't bother keeping phoning your mother tbh. Let her get in touch as and when she chooses to get a grip.

[bengal38]

My sister hasn't spoken to me since I put the phone down on her. My mum is very off with me when I call her (so I don't know why I bother calling her).

Should I just call her or just leave things until she calls me?

Plus it is my niece's birthday on Monday.

[MajorGrinch]

Loving the people saying "family comes first" - the MIL is family - to the DH she trumps the OP's parents & to the DC she's exactly the same relationship!!

The OP's parents buggered her around & got upset when she didn't (quite rightly) drop everything to accommodate their request....

[BoneyBackJefferson]

I'm curious as to what the posters who think that the OP should cancel think the OP's DH and children should have done if the OP cancelled?

Why should they miss out because the OP's "D"M and "D"Sis are petulant teenagers.

[2rebecca]

But she had agreed to go to see her husband's mother who is as much family to the couple as the OP's father. This isn't some casual acquaintance. If her mum wanted to do a special meal she should have asked the OP earlier, or had the special meal on the Saturday when the OP could make it. The mum wasn't keen to cancel her prearranged "going out with friends" (who aren't family) but expected the OP to break her prearranged family meal arrangement.

[Kandypane]

I just think that family comes first. If you could have gone to your family, celebrated your dad's bday (especially as he had been ill) and then gone to the BBQ later I'm sure all would have been happy. At the end of the day in sure you wasnt special guest star at the BBQ and they could have done without you.