to be completely torn between career and family life?

[MamaSmurf99]

I have always wanted to teach. However, I also thought I was infertile until I fell pregnant with dd1. I now have two dd2's age 5 years and 15 months. They are more important to me than anything. My dp of 3 years wants us to move to live with him. He was meant to move to live with us before dd2 was born but complications with his exW and his children meant this changed at the last minute. This is true, and not an excuse on his part.

I am in the end stages of my degree. Dp wants to live together once I've graduated. This means I cannot afford to train as a teacher. I would love to all live together, and would be happy to be a SAHM until the children are all 9/10 which he is happy to support but then what? I'd be older and unqualified and I don't want to end up working in a supermarket and be bitter that I didn't go for my ambition.

In an ideal world I'd continue working part-time and self-employed until dd2 is 3 then train as a teacher. This would mean not living together for around 3 years which he hates the thought of but would support. The kids and I are settled and in a routine so would continue to cope fine. If I move in with him I'd have to quit my job as the childcare costs wouldn't be covered. I know I should train this year and get it done then move in with him but I hate the thought of dd2 being in childcare so much so young and would not be able to fully commit to my training because of that.

Moving in with him doesn't mean seeing him any more than we currently do as he works long hours and can't be relied on to do anything around the house or with the kids. But I would like to be a normal family and just enjoy life. If any of these ramblings have remotely made sense to you, perhaps you can advise and tell me if iabu in what I want and for having no clue what to do?

[Blistory]

This man already has children that he needs to provide financial support for.

You talk about potentially having another child with him and that finances might be tight. The priority should be the children who already exist. If moving in with him now means that either your children or his or the joint child suffer, then there's your answer.

You have an idealised picture in your head but the reality is you will be giving up your career aspirations, you will be responsible for the childcare and domestic work, his hours will mean that you will, in all likelihood end up also looking after his children, you will be left alone a lot because of his working hours, you will be financially vulnerable for the next 10 years at least by your calculations and you will be living with someone who doesn't pull his weight.

Forgive me if I can't see the joy in that for you or the children involved. You've been homeless once so it's not selfish to put your need to protect yourself above his ideas on happy family life.

[AngelaDaviesHair]

I'm sorry to say it, OP, but he sounds dreadful-feckless, selfish and so far as family life is concerned, very very lazy.

Stay on your own, do the training.

[fideline]

I cannot believe posters are accusing OP of fraudulent behaviour and goading her to move in with him.

I think you should listen to your head OP

BTW any wedding that needs to be saved for for 3 years (!) is just not affordable. If you have four children between you, you have better things to do with three years worth of hard-won savings.

[5ofus]

OP. Run. Run for the hills. Go back to college and get a qualification that will enable you to live independently. Major alarm bells are ringing for me and others on this thread.

In the meantime, I can't understand why he's not paying child support for the child you have together??

[Sharaluck]

Stay where you are. Train when you are ready. Don't disrupt your dds' lives and move as it doesn't sound your future relationship is solid at all.

He doesn't sound committed and he also sounds immature and spoiled.

[BarbarianMum]

[BarbarianMum]

Actually, I apologise. It's entirely up to you who you have children with. But please don't put yourself in a position of dependance to a partner with such a rocky idea of responsibility.

[Caitlin17]

You really have to get your life together.
Firstly you mentioned you didn't think you could get pregnant. How did you know this? Were you trying to conceive and failing or just very casual and lucky about contraption?

Secondly I can't imagine ever living in a situation where I'm dependent financially on a man. And to be financially independent on one as feckless as your partner would scare the life out of me, particularly as you're not married. Sorry but any woman with children who doesn't have her own income needs to be married to protect herself. That's not being moralistic or old fashioned, it's simply the case marriage still gives far more protection. Assuming of course the man is a keeper and I'm not sure yours is.

Thirdly you need to save for 3 years to get married? What nonsense. You have 4 children between you. I think a huge fairy tale wedding should be the bottom of the list of priorities.

[Dahlen]

Personally I would do my best to get past the fear of childcare and start training as soon as you graduate. Your second DD will be older by then anyway. However I accept that you don't want to do that.

So with all that in mind, make your DP wait to move in is my advice. IMO the only time any woman should make career sacrifices for a man is when she is in a stable, committed and protected long term relationship where the advantages offered by that sacrifice are hers as well as his. Otherwise you risk breeding resentment if you stay together and bitterness if you split. Even worse is that it puts a lot of pressure on the relationship, which could result in you choosing to stay in the relationship long past its sell by date because you've already sacrificed so much and don't want it to be for nothing.

Three years is little in the context of the rest of your life.

[Caitlin17]

Why can't you force him to support his own child? And why on earth do you want to marry and/or have more children with such a man?

Mrs Thatcher had many faults but she did at least enforce the idea that supporting the children you father isn't optional (not that it ever was although plenty of people seemed to think it was)

[NK5BM3]

why is he not supporting at least DD2? Isn't he the father? aren't you claiming something off him?

as for training, I would urge you to seriously consider training this coming september. By then DD2 will be how old, near enough 2 years old? or she will be 2 years by the time christmas comes round? Given your economic situation I'm sure you will qualify for the free 2 year old spaces at nursery. So you will only need to pay for a couple of months. DO NOT put your life on hold for someone so feckless.

If he's worth it, then he'll wait, or move closer. I can't believe you are considering another child, when he won't even support (financially and otherwise!) the one that's around, walking and talking!!!

[AngelaDaviesHair]

Bear in mind plenty of men don't want to share any money even after the mother of their child has moved in. There are quite a few sad threads on here where women are struggling to get by on savings and the child benefit while keeping house for Lord and Master who keeps his entire income to himself.

[Sharaluck]

Why would it be better for op to be married?

I know marriage is preferable for future security if the marriage ends and the couple owns a home/has assets, but the dp here lives in a rental and so does op (I assume) so what exactly are the benefits? (Also assuming dp has no assets if he has to save for a wedding over 3 years).

For people on low income without assets what are the advantages of marriage?

[MamaSmurf99]

He does pay child support - I put in a claim with the CSA when we separated - but it isn't much because it's divided with his other children.

[ballstoit]

Don't move in with this nob, not now, not ever.

Why would you want your DDs to grow up with such an awful relationship role model?

Where is the benefit to you or your DC of living with an unhygienic, tight, selfish arse?

Get a new career and, if you have any sense, a new man too

[Ragwort]

Why are you even considering moving in with this excuse of a man - as an educated woman you seem to be totally ignoring what a waste of space he is.

Stay on your own, train to be a teacher and remain independent.

And why on earth are you even thinking of having another child with him?

[fideline]

Sharaluck if they are unmarried living in a home for which he holds sole tenancy, he can ask her to leave at any time and she has to go. Even a rented home is a 'marital home' if one is married and a married woman has a right to reside in the family home even if she isn't on the tenancy. Longer term, divorce judges can award tenancies to either party. Ditto the family car. Besides, presumably there will be more savings, assets or home-ownership at some point.

Hopefully a family lawyer will wander past and confirm/finesse that summary, but that's the gist, I believe.

[MamaSmurf99]

I think my problem is the more I'm on my own the more I prefer to be that way and see his arrival and actions as interference whereas the more he's alone the more mopey he is and is then over dependent. He wants to text all day and talk at night and I feel suffocated. But when we are together I'm very happy with him, as are the kids.

[Beastofburden]

Mama, you don't spend very much time together, and when you do it is honeymoon time- nice activities and him not doing his fair share of day to day to day stuff. That is no basis for assessing what it would be like with him full time.

[BrandNewIggi]

Normally I am off the view that parents of young families should do everything in their power to stay together (barring abusive situations). But in this case, the dcs have no expectation of "daddy" being at home with them, so they won't be upset, and will likely be more upset if OP moves in and then the relationship breaks down in the future.
I've seen you post about this before OP, I think then no-one had a high opinion of your partner and I don't think that's changed. Maybe time to take some of the advice on board?

[Pilgit]

Just take a trawl around here to see how the level of housework he would do affects relationships. From what you have said his standards are not simply not up to yours they are unsanitary. This will cause a big wedge in your relationship especially looking at all that you will give up.

[Beastofburden]

And bear in mind that when you do the normal day to day stuff, he sulks and attention seeks all day long. That would change how, exactly, with moving in together?

And he wants you to give up everything to move in on his terms.

[cheminotte]

I really cannot see why you are still seeing him at all tbh, let alone considering moving in with him.

[BadgerB]

OP -"I think my problem is the more I'm on my own the more I prefer to be that way"

This should tell you something, ring loud warning bells. Keep seeing this man as and when you both wish but DO NOT move in with him - that feeling will get worse. Do your training asap and look at the situation again when you have financial independence.