To not want to be here anymore

[Hohihi]

I'v NC oviously , EVerything is to much .

[scantilymad]

OP did you sleep in there? All ok?

[CheerfulYank]

Is he waking your DC?

[Hohihi]

I feel that would be wasting the police time . Hes just shouting at me hes not hurting me.

[Hohihi]

Because iv had a bottle of wine. Iv tried to be so quiet. But now hes shouting that im a weirdo for staying in the bathroom so late.

[augenblick]

I think you need to call the police, you are clearly not safe. Do you have your phone with you? Can you text someone you know to call them for you?

[CheerfulYank]

Guilty and ashamed, for what? I stay up late too and I am not a bad mother!

[Hohihi]

Im in the bathroom the door is locked, but hes shouting at me ,hes really angry iv kept him awake.

[augenblick]

Here is the link from women's aid about calling for help right now. Please remember to delete your web browser history when you shut down your computer:

www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100330003

[augenblick]

Right now you need to think about where to get some rest. Where are your children sleeping? Can you go and sleep in their room?

Do you feel at risk right now? Clearly there are some big things to deal with here that will need help and support from women's aid when it is safe to do so. Right now if you are at all safe to get some rest that might be best thing before your little ones wake up

If you do not feel safe, or have been threatened, then you could call the police. you are being very brave. Keep talking, to us, and to people that can help get you out of there.

[Hohihi]

Yes im still downstairs . He makes me feel so guilty and ashamed.

[augenblick]

Are you ok op? Where are you now? Have you stayed downstairs?

[Hohihi]

Oh what a surprise hes just come downstairs going crazy because im up so late

.last week he went mad because i had a drink and woke him up. He sent me a very formal email stating if i was to drink i need to sleep elsewhere as im loud when i come to bed. I apologised and said in future i will sleep somewhere else,yet he has just come downstairs and gone mad at me when im not making any noise!

[cafecito]

I realise that's all a load of tosh and you shouldn't ever have to tiptoe around like that, but I have been there - I was in an extremely abusive relationship for a long time and I finally left. I have been suicidal too - but now I am so so glad I didn't do it

you may think you are a shit mother but you're not, and if you even think you're half a mother, surely half a mother is better than no mother at all for your 5 children

you need to get out of that relationship it sounds utterly crushing like it has removed your entire sense of self

you need to plan what you do want from your life

don't think you're mad looking at the gun thinking that, I think it's quite a common thought process, at its most innocent - eg I often look at the trains coming to my platform and think,,, I could just... step out... it would be .... just.. like... now... and it IS scary yes, but it doesn't make you crazy or a terrible person or anything at all abnormal really. No doubt you are reacting to events and your environment.

Please try and get some sleep. Tomorrow start to plan a way forward from this point. Womens Aid can help, and Samaritans do indeed email. remember you are not on your own and it's not too late and there is a whole world and life on the other side, honestly there is

[cafecito]

practically for tonight

how about you sleep on the sofa, and say sorry you fell asleep on the sofa where you were sat - it's not your fault then!

[Hohihi]

Yes , hes asleep. I dont know whether to slip into bed or sleep elsewhere. He has said if i drink and come to bed late i need to sleep somewhere else as ill wake him up.

[CheerfulYank]

Is he sleeping?

[Hohihi]

Well he will say im a drunk and that i cant look after my children. Its so late now i don't know what to do.

[CheerfulYank]

He doesn't have the right to tell you when to go to bed. You are an adult and not one of the children.

What will he do?

Is there someone in real life you can talk to?

[Funnyfoot]

Could you not just sleep on the sofa?

Also if things are so extreme that you have to lock yourself away where will your DC's be?
If it is this bad then you need to contact women's aid OP.

[Hohihi]

He will go crazy because iv had a bottle of wine and stayed up late. Ill have to sleep in the toy room to avoid him , and block the door. He normally demands im in bed by 11:30-12:00am

[CheerfulYank]

Is he going to hurt you? How old are your DC?

[Hohihi]

Yes i know it is locked away . Hes got a proper license and i know i shouldnt know where the key is but i do. Im not going to end it but i just hate having access to something that could kill me quickly.

[SoldAtAuction]

Will he be mad that you are upset, or because you stayed up late?
If you are at risk of being hurt, you need to call for help

[CheerfulYank]

Why would he go crazy? What will he do?

Yes, you mustn't leave the DC.

Do you have close friends/family?

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

The gun should be in a locked cabinet, you must report that to the police. In the meamtime, you need to make plans to leave, with your dc. You can't leave them with him,but you all have to leave. Not right now, but you have to make plans.

And topping yourself with his shotgun does none of your dc any favours.