AIBU and too lax to think "well, it's her hair..."?

[Stinklebell]

Had a night out with a group of friends Saturday.

We've all got a mix of kids, ranging from 3, with mine, and another friend's daughters the older ones at 12, we were chatting about how our kids were, and the friend with the other 12 year old asked how mine had got on starting high school, just general chit chat really, which moved on to them discovering make up, and messing about with hair, etc.

Other friend mentioned that her 12 year old had been nagging to get her hair dip-dyed and she wasn't sure, I said that my 12 year old had also been asking and I had agreed that she could do it over the school summer holidays - DD wants to dye the ends of her hair red which will involve bleaching it first as she has quite dark hair, so we'll then cut the red ends off before she heads back to school. Friend said she thought it was a good compromise

Another friend was listening to this and said she felt I was far too lax to even consider it, let alone allow it and that she decides, and always will, what her daughter does to her hair, what clothes and shoes she wears, etc

Now, as long as my DD's hair is clean, brushed and a normal colour for school, I don't really care what she does to it. It's her hair. She chooses what she has done at the hairdressers, she has hair chalks which I'm happy for her to mess about with, etc. My only rule, is no perm or semi-perm hair dye - only that wash-in/wash-out stuff. She has quite soft curls which she loves and rarely asks for it to be straightened so she doesn't damage it with excessive heat styling or anything like that.

With clothes and shoes, they're to be age, weather and occasion appropriate, within budget and correct uniform for school, beyond that, I couldn't care less. We go shopping a few times a year and my only real input is the debit card. I help her out and make suggestions but I don't choose her clothes or lay her outfits out for her to wear each day - I might treat her to something if I see something I think she'll like, but they're her clothes, she has to wear them and feel comfortable in them so I think they should be her choice

Is that really terrible?

[Nocomet]

Regrew not regret

[Theas18]

Small stuff.... not to be sweated and this is small.

Hair is just hair after all. THe biggie is that it has to be acceptable for school (and maybe that it isn't me funding hugely expensive things!)

[HighBrows]

My daughter was 12 when she got her hair dip dyed blond. It looks good. The way I see it is it's only hair and it can grow out or be cut out. Also I like the fact the dye doesn't go near the scalp.

She's 13 now, she hasn't had it redone and it hasn't started a fetish for her to dye her hair every other week!

[DownstairsMixUp]

Actually that's the only bit of the hair I would allow to be bleached! The ends are going to get snipped off anyway so I wouldn't mind about dip dying but I wouldn't let them bleach the whole lot for wild colours or bleach anywhere near the scalp either. I think that's a good compromise actually!

[SomethingkindaOod]

Well I'm making sure I remember your rule when the inevitable happens and my DD asks to do something like that! She's 8 so it might not be that long until I start getting mithered about it.
YANBU, it sounds fine. Your friend's way isn't U either but it does sound like she's making a future rod for her own back tbh.

[Stinklebell]

She actually came up with the plan herself, although she asked if she could do it over the Easter holiday, but I suggested summer as it seemed pointless to go to all that effort for 2 weeks.

I was quite impressed actually, she'd thought it through, accounted for getting it back to normal for school and was quite sensible about it all

Friend isn't unreasonable either, her child, her rules, but my own mum was quite controlling over stuff like how I cut my hair, clothes, etc when I was that age and I sometimes wonder if I go too far the other way in response to that

[Stinklebell]

Oh, and thanks all!

[Coumarin]

Sounds like you're doing it just right OP.

[Crowler]

Disclaimer: I don't have a daughter, so this may be a more nuanced situation that I can grasp.

I would not allow it, because I don't like it.

[uc]

"she decides, and always will, what her daughter does to her hair, what clothes and shoes she wears"

Good luck to your friend. I thought you were going to say her daughter was the 3 year old... but she's 11. I can see some almighty rows in her house!!!!!

I think you have totally the right approach.

[AnythingNotEverything]

I think people with younger children often think they know how to deal with a teenager.

I have friends who I'm sure think I'm hideously neglectful because I don't make DS (nearly 14) wear a coat and allow him to play xbox and minecraft for kore than an hour a week. They mean well, but parenting teenagers is a different ball game.

Your plan sounds great - a really good balance.

[bopoityboo3]

I think this is a great approach to this. You have set clear boundaries well at the same time respecting the fact that your DD is growing up and has her own style sense of self. Mum did this with me as a teenager; as long as I was fitting into the school rules she really didn't mind what I did with my hair. Only time it was an issue was when I dyed her lovely white bathroom suite bright blue

[Stinklebell]

Yes, I have had the coat discussion before now too.

One friend said I should just force her into it, like she does to her 3 year old DD is as tall as me, forcing her into a coat is going to go real well. She has nowhere to put a coat at school, it takes her 10 minutes to walk, and unless there's snow on the ground and minus 5, she isn't going to freeze. If she's cold, she's cold, that's her look out

[teenagetantrums]

Lol at the coat issue, my DD hasn't worn a coat in the last year, i don't think hers even fits her, im not about to buy her one until she asks.

[Remotecontrolduck]

I suspect she'll back track when the DD gets to secondary. There's a big difference between 11 in year 6 and 11 in year 7, and it's so easy to take the moral high ground when you have a well behaved child, rather than a maturing adolescent.

Children are not possessions and have the right to a certain degree of personal autonomy. If it won't get them kicked out of school and can be fixed without too much damage or cost, let them get on with it I say.

[Stinklebell]

Does anyone else notice that teens seem to want to be really, really wrapped up warm in the summer?

DD goes from one extreme to the other. We live by the sea, and she likes to think she's a bit of a dude so summer uniform consists of "boardies" and fleecy hoodies.

it's so easy to take the moral high ground........

Yes, I agree, especially when you add a splash of raging hormones and a dollop of peer pressure

[DontHaveAtv]

My 14 year old asked me if she could dip dye her hair blue. I said no as its during school time, she did it anyway round her friends house. It has now gone a strange grey colour (her natural hair is blonde)

op yanbu. Its the summer hols, her will be fine when its back to school, no big deal.

[JohnCusacksWife]

You sound like you've got it sussed to me. Never understand schools' obsession with hair colour though. What earthly difference does it make if your hair is dyed or not? Thank God the schools in our neck of the woods are sensible about stuff like that...

[Stinklebell]

You sound like you've got it sussed to me.

First time for everything

With the school rules, dyed hair is OK if it's natural colours - red dip dye is not OK, green Mohican is not OK, dark brown - fine

[WorrySighWorrySigh]

IMO you are doing just fine. It is hair, it will grow.

[Panzee]

Sounds like you have a great relationship with your daughter, and she sounds very sensible. :)

My four year old can't be forced into a coat. He now looks out of the window and can decide for himself whether to wear one.

[bodygoingsouth]

how very very sad that your friend wishes to treat a young girl like this. what a dreadfully controlling attitude.

if your friend will indeed always choose her dds clothes, shoes and hair style the child won't develop properly.

she should get a dog if she wants that relationship.

[bodygoingsouth]

oh and my dds school is far too bloody sensible to care about hair colour. funnily enough it's outstanding.

[sonlypuppyfat]

My DD has just turned 13 and has asked to have this done she also wants to have her ears pierced again. And sorry but I said no when I was her age I was still playing with pippa dolls! I just think she's still a little girl and that is too old for her.