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AIBU?

Well I do have a child and it is a Tuesday afternoon...

141 replies

BridgetJonesPants25 · 10/02/2014 08:49

A friend invited me to meet her tomorrow afternoon as she is off work.

I was quite happy to get the invite as I haven't seen her in some time. Explained I would (obviously) have DD with me and did she fancy a late lunch?

I got a response saying she would rather just meet for a couple of glasses of wine (it is at 2pm). I have no problem having a glass of wine or 2 with food but it really doesn't sit too comfortably with me to just go a meet to share a bottle of wine. It means taking my DD somewhere strapping her into a highchair and then expect her to sit there for a couple of hours with a colouring book or jigsaw. She 2.5 and to be honest it'll be bloody boring for her.

Have replied saying that it would be a bit boring for DD but I know a place we could get coffee close to where I was going to meeting her, it has a play corner for the kids which means we could catch up (like she wants) and DD can play. Win, win?

No apparently not. She has replied with "forget it".

I get that my friend doesn't have children and her idea of fun isn't going to soft play or going to the local farm so I wouldn't suggest it. AIBU to be pissed that she doesn't recognise that if she wants to meet during the week I will have DD with me and it isn't fair to expect my DD to sit quietly while I tuck into a bottle of wine chatting to my friend.

I am pretty pissed off that she neglects to accept that my life has changed. I can't do the things she wants me to do all the time. If she had sent a text saying "fancy a girly night out" I would have happily arranged for my Mum to babysit one night.

WIBU to just do as she said and "forget it" because I am annoyed or should I really go back and say something like "how about I sort a babysitter for 2-3 weeks time and we go out for a proper catch up?"

Also AIBU to not want to take my DD to the pub? (If I am I still wont change my mind to be honest but would be good to know)

OP posts:

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shoom · 10/02/2014 11:31

If it helps your resolve, your 2yo is old enough to notice this sort of thing. It's maybe not quite up there with "aha, the child who grabs gets to keep the toy" but there's still a message about how friends behave with each other.

I'm sure you can find lots of lovely friends. I'd probably ignore the text message in case she realises how one-sided she's being and apologises, but that's maybe a bit optimistic.

Belchica · 10/02/2014 11:44

friends can drift a bit when one moves down a different path. Your paths will most likely cross again in the future and if you value her friendship, perhaps give her the benefit of the doubt on this occasion (maybe she has problems which are getting the better of her she can't see past the end of her own nose because of them).

In any case I would reply "What a shame, DD and I would have loved to hAve seen you, but toddlers and afternoon drinking aren't a great mix. I can however get a babysitter on a weekend night so if you need a chat, I'm here for you. Just let me know and I'll make plans."

If she doesn't respond graciously to that, then it's probably a friendship not worth maintaining.

BridgetJonesPants25 · 10/02/2014 13:01

Ok I sent a message back saying "That's a shame it would have been nice to see you but probably won't work as xxxxx would just get fed up and we wouldn't have a chance to properly chat. How about getting a night out towards to end of the month for a proper catch up?"

She has replied with (it's long bear with me)...

"Well I find it a shame that you can't put your friend first for once. Your a Mum, I get it but you could ask a friend to babysit one day during the week when I'm off work for an afternoon. You know it doesn't suit me to traipse all the way in to town at the weekends, I do enough running about at work without doing it with my so-called mates on MY downtime. My friendship is meant to be with you, not you plus 1 all the time. XXXXX (my ExH) doesn't work why not ask him? It's about time he stepped up and you let him see XXXXX (DD). You made the choice to have XXXXX (DD) so I don't see why your friends should be the one that suffer"

I am gobsmacked and absolutely livid. My ExH does not see my DD because he is an abusive alcoholic who has said he doesn't love DD and doesn't want to have anything to do with her. She knows this. The truth is I do have one friend that in an emergency I could ask to watch DD but I would only do it in an emergency. Have only done it once before (when a family member was in ICU in a coma)

I was so upset I rang another (mutual) friend and asked her if everyone thought like this about me. It turns out the first friend has drifted away entirely from the group because of her poor attitude and that no one thinks of me this way. I do see them all regularly at home in the evenings or child friendly days out and the occasional night out.

Think the friendship is done. It would require a massive apology to ever come back from this, and even then I still don't know if it would be possible.

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 10/02/2014 13:02

Bridge I think you have your answer there love

BridgetJonesPants25 · 10/02/2014 13:05

I think you're right. That message was horribly cruel knowing what has happened between my ExH and me.

OP posts:

shoom · 10/02/2014 13:08

Well at least you know.

FWIW I think your last text was accepting of her rudeness, between that and what you've said about the history of your friendship she may expect an apology from you.

Radio silence is the way to go. Don't feed her drama.

BridgetJonesPants25 · 10/02/2014 13:10

shoom the only reason I sent it was in case she was in fact going through a hard time. It doesn't excuse the rudeness but may explain it. We have been friends for 12 years, I really didn't want to just draw a line under it. However I feel differently now. To say I am pissed off is an understatement.

OP posts:

shoom · 10/02/2014 13:13

What I mean is, she was rude in her "forget it" text, you responded kindly and ignored her rudeness, she's now stepped it up a level....

From what you've said, she didn't expect you to stand up to her. She's losing other friends and hasn't realised or didn't care that it's because she is not a good friend herself. So she'll probably expect you to apologise.

I am not saying that you should!

MediumOrchid · 10/02/2014 13:16

I really wouldn't dignify that with a response. She's shown you her true colours: she doesn't care about you at all, your 'friendship' is all about her and her needs.

Also, the fact that she wouldn't have a coffee with you but wanted wine suggets to me that the wine was more important to her than you or your conversation.

Don't reply - this will also have the effect of annoying her!

WednesdayNext · 10/02/2014 13:23

She is being a cow. You could engage and explain your reasons, but I doubt she'd listen.

I'd reply telling her to forget it. And I'd throw some fucks in for good measure, but I have no tolerance for that kind of attitude.

LoonvanBoon · 10/02/2014 13:23

Just read through the thread & your friend's second response is just horrible beyond belief. She sounds utterly selfish, spiteful, rude & lacking in empathy.

I think you can do without people like this in your life, OP. You sound considerate & supportive, & were already going the extra mile by replying to her first (also very ill-mannered) text. Really sorry you've been treated like this. That would definitely be the end of the friendship for me.

RIZZ0 · 10/02/2014 13:24

She has behaved like a complete cow tbh. Problem or not, being spiteful about you and degrading your child to your "plus one" is beyond rude and you've no reason to dignify it with a response.

As they say, letting go of toxic people in your life is a step towards loving yourself. I bet she's treated you in this away more than once, don't allow it any more.

Floggingmolly · 10/02/2014 13:28

I wouldn't respond to a petulant "forget it" at all. Let her contact you with a suggested alternative, the mardy cow!

Lovecat · 10/02/2014 13:30

Her name doesn't begin with a 'D', does it? It's just that I used to have a friend like that and she sent me a similar text all about her and her needs when DD had chickenpox and DH was working away. Oh, and I'd already offended her by asking her not to say 'shut up, I'm talking' to 18m DD when she was burbling to herself...

I consider myself well rid.

ToBeSure · 10/02/2014 13:33

That's that then! . Block her number and defriend her from Facebook and move on. At least it's clear cut.

Try not to dwell on this, you have obviously done nothing wrong.

canyourearme · 10/02/2014 13:39

Yanbu. Sounds like hell with a 2 year old.

NoodleOodle · 10/02/2014 13:41

She's shown that she not only doesn't "get it" but that she also doesn't value your friendship enough to not be rude, selfish, and offensive. Block and delete her. Maybe tell her to do one too, if the telling would be cathartic.

FunkyBoldRibena · 10/02/2014 13:46

Wow! I think my response to that would be 'Oh do fuck off dear'.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 10/02/2014 13:57

After her latest text, I revise my opinion.

She is an arsebiscuit of the highest order. Waste no more of your valuable time on her.

You'd have to go a long way to find a better example of a self-absorbed twunt.

rockybalboa · 10/02/2014 13:58

yanbu. she sounds like a knob.

rockybalboa · 10/02/2014 14:00

Wow, just read her text to you. Uber-knob. Arse-biscuit as mentioned above also works. Ditch her, she's not worth it.

BridgetJonesPants25 · 10/02/2014 14:00

I'm not going to respond at all. There is absolutely nothing to say to that message I don't think.

If she texts or phones in future I won't respond. I'm sure she'll figure it out. If she doesn't then she really is quite stupid.

Even my DDs tantrums pale in comparison to that one.

OP posts:

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ToBeSure · 10/02/2014 14:02

Good plan

spacegirl81 · 10/02/2014 14:02

shes not really a friend if she treats you like that. best to get rid and concentrate on your DD and proper friends. hugs.

hoppinghare · 10/02/2014 14:04

I would not respond. How rude. How incredibly rude.

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