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AIBU?

Wondering about correct protocol

82 replies

Janet365 · 04/02/2014 23:03

Hello there! So I've just started a new job and I'm a bit clueless about what's acceptable and what's not in the kind of situation I'm in.

I'm being sent for about 4 days to an office in a different city just to get a better feel of the role, and my employers have boooked accommodation for me. This is obviously great, but there is a wee problem that I'm facing. I have my older sister visiting me from abroad at the moment. She's my only family and is more like a mother to me. That week will be her last few days in the country and I really don't see the point of us being apart. If she comes with me we can at least spend the some of that time together. I'd book her in a different hotel, but the closest one is quite a distance away and is also very, very expensive.

So is it unacceptable for me to have her stay with me in the same room as the one the company have booked for me? The hotel obviously has no issues with it because the room is suitable for two people, but do I need to seek permission from my employers since they are paying for it?

And will I come across as strange and needy if I ask them about this?? I wouldn't want to send out the wrong impression so soon into my job.

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Janet365 · 05/02/2014 00:12

If I am approached individually by a colleague after work hours about going for lunch/dinner/drinks, then I suppose I will have to look at my personal commitments before accepting or declining. I'd go if it was possible, but I can't guarantee anything obviously. It's the same with any friends or acquaintances.

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MrsCakesPremonition · 05/02/2014 00:14

There is a difference between joining the team for a drink and retiring early because you have had enough are tired. People will be quite accepting of that IME.

But taking along your own guest and choosing to spend time with them in preference to mixing with your colleagues could look odd and might even feel like a snub to your new workmates.

Chippednailvarnish · 05/02/2014 00:16

You need to start learning the difference between personal and business.
You're not there to have a "night out" with your mates, these are your colleagues. If you go out for a meal or drinks its not to get pissed, it's to get to know everyone better, so it's easier to work with them - weekday or otherwise.

MrsCakesPremonition · 05/02/2014 00:17

If you are all in a hotel in a strange city, then it won't be a case of you receiving a formal invitation to drinks - it will be "why don't we all meet in the bar before going to eat?" and then people will hang around after the meal to chat and drink (even if it is just coffee). There will be an expectation that you are a part of the group. Taking your sister (who you will obviously want to eat and socialise with) is clearly saying that you do not see yourself as part of the group. You will be creating a distance between yourself and your colleagues.

Which may or may not be an issue depending on your colleagues, company and role. But it isn't a shining example of how to make friends and influence people.

Janet365 · 05/02/2014 00:19

Ah, I see. I didn't think of it that way, and my intention definitely wouldn't be to offend anyone.

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Janet365 · 05/02/2014 00:24

Chippednailvarnish-

I understand the difference quite well. I wouldnt even consider taking relative (or my DP) with me to a work trip if I didn't feel the circumstances were unusual and difficult.

As I said, I don't drink or party anyway so I'm not looking at a work event as an opportunity to get pissed.

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Chippednailvarnish · 05/02/2014 00:24

I really don't think you are getting it OP. It's not a matter of "going out" or "offending" anyone. You are being paid to attend by your company, it's not a social trip, it's so you can get to know your colleagues better.

Janet365 · 05/02/2014 00:28

I know it's not a social trip, and that's exactly what I'm saying. That's also why I asked the question I did.

Thanks for the advice.

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Onesleeptillwembley · 05/02/2014 00:28

But nobody apart from you is mentioning 'getting pissed'. What if all the colleagues decide to meet up for dinner and a chat afterwards? Will you be the only one to refuse? Please tell me you wouldn't take your sister. I have a feeling you've never been away like this before, and have no clue what it's actually like.

Chippednailvarnish · 05/02/2014 00:30

I wouldn't bother one, I think the OP is clearly totally out of her depth...

Janet365 · 05/02/2014 00:37

Actually, I think one of the other posters mentioned the idea of getting drunk (even though I said I don't drink) and I was simply responding to that.

If I am asked to go for a drink/dinner/chat then I will obviously go and I wouldn't dream of taking my sister along. But out of the 4 evenings that we're there I doubt that we'll be socialising after work for very long on every evening. So I'll still potentially have some time to spend with my sister and that's the only reason I was planning on taking her along.

I have actually been living on my own since I was 16 and I met my sister this week after 14 months. So I do know what it's like to be away ;)

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Janet365 · 05/02/2014 00:39

Chippednailvarnish

I probably am out of my depth, which is why I asked. :) If I knew everything about work protocol then I would be here asking questions. I appreciate the advice I've had so far, and I'm sure I'll be able to make the right decision!

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MrsCakesPremonition · 05/02/2014 00:39

But out of the 4 evenings that we're there I doubt that we'll be socialising after work for very long on every evening - that is where I think you are wrong. I think you will find that people are socialising from the time they eat until bedtime every night. Because the alternative is to sit in their rooms on their own every night and people usually prefer a bit of company with some friends and colleagues.

Onesleeptillwembley · 05/02/2014 00:40

I know, chipped. You're right. Off to bed now. G'night.

Dinosaurporn · 05/02/2014 00:43

I'm not one for late nights and drinking anyway nope it was definitely you mentioning drinking.
There's some good advice on this thread, you would do well to follow it...

jacks365 · 05/02/2014 00:45

Janet normally when colleagues are away together like this you would socialise together every evening. It's very much different if you are on your own but you won't be.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 05/02/2014 00:46

"If I am asked to go for a drink/dinner/chat then I will obviously go and I wouldn't dream of taking my sister along"

You will be expected to socialise every night, without being asked. And they are paying you to do so.

Where does that leave your sister?

Totally inappropriate to bring her.

Janet365 · 05/02/2014 00:50

I mentioned that I didn't drink and that I don't usually do nights out on weekdays. I think someone misunderstood that to mean that I had confused work events with drunken nights out. I can assure you that isn't the case :)

I've mostly seen people telling me how inexperienced I am (which I already admitted to right at the start). But not many people have actually responded to the original question with a definitive answer.

Regardless, I'm grateful for all the opinions and advice.

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Janet365 · 05/02/2014 00:53

I wish I was being paid to socialise That would be the best job.

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CinnabarRed · 05/02/2014 00:54

In my firm it would be considered totally inappropriate to bring anyone - spouse, partner, family member, anyone at all. You would absolutely be refused if you asked and it would be noted, albeit unofficially.

Please don't do this. Without knowing the lie of the land with your company, you seriously risk marking your card, and not in a good way.

Dinosaurporn · 05/02/2014 00:55

It's a shame you don't seem to be listening to any of the advice which doesn't fit your preconceived idea of going away on business...

MrsCakesPremonition · 05/02/2014 00:56

Does your sister think it would be a good idea? What does she plan to do during the day?

If she and you are both desperate for her to go, then do go ahead and ask your manager. But I hope you are now more aware that you may be creating wider, long lasting issues for yourself. Once a newcomer gets a reputation for not being a teamplayer, it can be very hard to shift.

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CinnabarRed · 05/02/2014 01:00

OK - to answer the direct questions.

So is it unacceptable for me to have her stay with me in the same room as the one the company have booked for me?

In my firm, it would be considered unacceptable.

The hotel obviously has no issues with it because the room is suitable for two people, but do I need to seek permission from my employers since they are paying for it?

In my firm, yes because of insurance and also potential breaches of client confidentiality (I work in professional services).

And will I come across as strange and needy if I ask them about this??

In my firm, categorically YES. It would be disasterous.

StumbledintoMayhem · 05/02/2014 01:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Janet365 · 05/02/2014 01:01

She's happy to come. She'll probably explore the city while I'm at work. My work hours are not that long.

CinnabarRed -

Thank you for the honest answer. I'm leaning more towards not asking now.

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