Not to want my brother round for meals

[FrauMoose]

It's a tricky one. I've recently worked out that my late father had Aspergers and that my brother - in his late 40s - also is 'on the spectrum.'

He lives alone and has a habit of ringing up and suggesting visits that are around lunchtime or the time when we eat in the evening.

Because on Sunday, two relatives on my husband's side of the family were visiting - one of them elderly and senile. So I put my brother off when he suggested a Sunday visit. He said he would come after work on Monday, but ring first to confirm.

When he rang my husband invited him to eat with us. He duly arrived at exactly the time he knows we eat. He didn't have wine/fruit juice/chocolate/biscuits with him. He didn't say thanks for the invitation. He walked in as if he owned the place, sat down and ate his food - without complimenting us on the rather good meal. He didn't offer to clear or wash up. He didn't say thanks when he left.

It's just very frustrating and draining. But also hard to instruct adults in the social cues/norms. (He also drives my older brother mad, but I haven't discussed the Aspergers/autism thing with him yet. My older brother and mother are much more into wanting to pretend everything is normal. 'X is just X and that's the way he is.' That sort of thing.

NB He has not invited us to his house - twenty miles away - for food for ten years. Nor has he ever taken us out to eat. We have probably fed him once every month or two over that period.

Any ideas?

[Thetallesttower]

I don't think she should be delighted at all, it's not a delightful situation, but it is a common one, our siblings are not always who we choose them to be. The OP asked for ideas- there have been plenty on this thread, such as ask him directly for a contribution, ask him to help with washing up, help him with the social niceties and norms, or just accept he is the way he is.

Of course it's not delightful to have siblings with issues.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

Ringing up and inviting yourself over for meals IS coming over uninvited.

If you have to invite yourself, you are not really invited.

[whois]

I've my sister and like going to her house for dinner. I 'invite myself' round in that sometimes I ask if she has any time when we can meet up. She has three children so it's easier for her if we meet at her house for dinner. More often than not her DH cooks. They are both very hospitable people.

Sometimes I take wine, or flowers, or chocolate. But not always. Because sometimes it really is just 'popping in' for whatever they are having for dinner or I go to see her kids and I get invited for dinner once there.

I always say thanks, I always compliment the food (not hard, both are excellent cooks) and I hope we have a balanced conversation and they like seeing me too. I help a little to clear up and stack the dishwasher.

I don't think family should always take wine or something, but they should be people you like to see! If the OP had been ground down over years of rubbish company I can see why she thinks she isn't getting anything out of this arrangement! You don't have to like your family.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

Of course it's not delightful to have siblings with issues.

Of course.

And nor is it delightful to have a thread full of people tell you you are a horrible person because you struggle to deal with a sibling who has issues.

All this glib crap from people who like their siblings about how wonderful they are for being nice to them is pretty sickening.

[SpecialAgentFreyPie]

To the parents who have drilled it into your DC that it's expected they take care of their sibling on the spectrum when you're gone, have you also done your best to drill some semblance of social graces into your SN child? I imagine that would have made an enormous difference to how I perceived my brother if he'd been diagnosed before adulthood. It's made me hyper aware of how to deal with my own DS1's SN (not on the spectrum, but can cause difficult social behaviours)
No doubt I'll still make mistakes, but I hope my other DC don't grow up feeling about me the way I do about my own DP. :(

[SpecialAgentFreyPie]

All this glib crap from people who like their siblings about how wonderful they are for being nice to them is pretty sickening

Yep. The smugness just oozes.

[TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking]

ringing up and suggesting .. suggesting.. suggesting

JoinYourPlayfellows do you have a dictionary at hand?

As far as I am aware Suggesting is not the same word as unannounced/uninvited.

You obviously have a bee in your bonnet about something other than this thread.

Any normal decent human being would not mind their sibling coming round once a month for something to eat

[woodrunner]

AS is a red herring here. OP is feeling resentful and unappreciated by a family member. Yes, we have a duty to our family to welcome them in. And in turn, they too have a duty to us, to make us feel welcomed and loved. If it's one sided, for whatever reason, tensions are bound to arise. It's OK for the OP to feel them.

Tell him. Nicely but directly. Just ask him to bring a bottle of red or pick up a pudding on the way. Or ask when he's going to invite you all over to his.

[Mintyy]

"Any normal decent human being would not mind their sibling coming round once a month for something to eat hmm"

What a dumb statement that is ^

[bialystockandbloom]

If the OP had been "my brother is a selfish git who doesn't show any manners when he comes to my house" the replies would've been mostly "YANBU he sounds rude" etc.

But she stated clearly at the beginning that she believes has diagnosed him herself with he has autism. Claims she "has read a great deal about it". And then goes on to say he's a selfish git etc etc.

Can people not see the dreadful irony here?

laquitar I noted that about the quote too

[bialystockandbloom]

To the parents who have drilled it into your DC that it's expected they take care of their sibling on the spectrum when you're gone, have you also done your best to drill some semblance of social graces into your SN child?

Words fail me at how unbelievably fucking insensitive and offensive that is.

[TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking]

Can You explain why that is Mintyy?

If he was turning up unannounced or uninvited I would understand BUT he has been invited fgs.

[Mintyy]

No, you are not reading op's posts properly.

Why should any normal decent human being welcome their sibling into their home and feed them if they never get any thanks, any contribution to the clearing up or a reciprocal invitation in ten years?

I am a normal decent human but I absolutely not would be happy to have this sort of relationship with any of my siblings!

As I said, a dumb statement.

[GossamerHailfilter]

Your poor brother I think life is too precious and short to dwell over 'not bringing a desert or wine

^^ This.

OP. You have self diagnosed your brother as having AS (which is a title which no longer exists btw) yet you seem unwilling to accept the things in his behaviour he cant change.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

As far as I am aware Suggesting is not the same word as unannounced/uninvited.

It's weird that you think this is about the dictionary definition of a word.

Alongside my dictionary, I also have a book of etiquette. It is quite clear on the fact that an invitation can only be issued by the hosts and that a "suggestion" made by yourself to visit somebody else's house does not constitute an invitation.

So he is regularly coming over uninvited.

Any normal decent human being would not mind their sibling coming round once a month for something to eat

So, you are calling the OP, who came on here looking for help, not normal and not decent.

How very normal and decent of you.

[bialystockandbloom]

mintyy you would not be prepared to accommodate a sibling in what is, frankly, hardly a majorly inconvenient way, even if you believed them to have autism??

[SpecialAgentFreyPie]

Well obviously I'm being insensitive and offensive to my own DS1, I want him to have the best chance in life as I assume all parents do. I also don't want my other DC to resent me because their DB will need them when he'd older. It's a fine line.

I have a brother with ASD and a SN DC. I can see both sides of the coin here.

[Mintyy]

No.

[brettgirl2]

My uncle has some similar traits. He does bring stuff though (humungous quantities of wine even though he doesn't drink) and he waits to be invited. I'm not sure what I'd do if he invited us round as I dread to think what his cooking is like, I'd never hankered after return invite

OP your brother sounds rude and he needs telling. Who does he listen to?

He must have some redeeming features? Just because someone has aspergers (possibly) doesn't make them nice otherwise though I guess.... my uncle is lovely.

[SpecialAgentFreyPie]

If you've grown up with an undiagnosed SN in a sibling, you can't just erase a lifetime's worth of shit memories because a label has been slapped on. That's exactly what my DPs want to happen. I think my DB shouldn't use it as a justification for his bad behaviour which he does and instead do something about it. He's high functioning, he can, he doesn't want too.

The lifetime of dealing with it no doubt contributes to how the OP now feels about these meals. If it were just the meals with zero backstory, I doubt there'd be the resentment.

[SpecialAgentFreyPie]

Oh, and my Db does have lots of lovely qualities. He's a good person. I love him very much.

I just don't like him. And I'm human, and I can't force myself to like him.

[brettgirl2]

And people would be fine with ou not liking him if he didn't possibly have AS. If you had posted without mentioning that then people would have said yanbu.... Funny world isn't it?

[GossamerHailfilter]

I hope I have raised my own children to be more tolerant of their autistic sibling.

[SpecialAgentFreyPie]

That's what I want for my DC Gossamer
I don't want to repeat my parents mistakes, as I know deep down it's not actually my brother's fault. :(

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

I hope I have raised my own children to be more tolerant of their autistic sibling.

Is that a little piece of smuggery meant to make her feel worse about herself, or an acknowledgement that the OP COULDN'T have been raised to be more tolerant of a brother who may (or may not) have autism?

That her brother, if he even has an autistic spectrum disorder, has never been treated, has never learnt how to manage his behaviour and that nobody, including the OP, has any idea how to deal with him in a productive way.