Not to want my brother round for meals

[FrauMoose]

It's a tricky one. I've recently worked out that my late father had Aspergers and that my brother - in his late 40s - also is 'on the spectrum.'

He lives alone and has a habit of ringing up and suggesting visits that are around lunchtime or the time when we eat in the evening.

Because on Sunday, two relatives on my husband's side of the family were visiting - one of them elderly and senile. So I put my brother off when he suggested a Sunday visit. He said he would come after work on Monday, but ring first to confirm.

When he rang my husband invited him to eat with us. He duly arrived at exactly the time he knows we eat. He didn't have wine/fruit juice/chocolate/biscuits with him. He didn't say thanks for the invitation. He walked in as if he owned the place, sat down and ate his food - without complimenting us on the rather good meal. He didn't offer to clear or wash up. He didn't say thanks when he left.

It's just very frustrating and draining. But also hard to instruct adults in the social cues/norms. (He also drives my older brother mad, but I haven't discussed the Aspergers/autism thing with him yet. My older brother and mother are much more into wanting to pretend everything is normal. 'X is just X and that's the way he is.' That sort of thing.

NB He has not invited us to his house - twenty miles away - for food for ten years. Nor has he ever taken us out to eat. We have probably fed him once every month or two over that period.

Any ideas?

[Laquitar]

You seem to me a bit fixated on rules tbh.

He is your brother. Maybe he is just laid back unlikely you.
This is not a formal dinner party or come dine with me. Its casual, your brother comes to see you once a month and you all eat together. What is all this with chocolates, biscuits, compliment the host etc. ?

And i like how you did a lot of reading but the bit that you liked is that quote.

[Mintyy]

If someone cooks for me (even dh) I always thank them and help to clear up. Isn't that the norm? Why on earth should her brother not wash up or not express his appreciation?

[cricketballs]

My sister (who doesn't have any disabilities) often calls in at feeding time - she is my sister and as such she is welcome in my home, in my life no matter what....

My youngest DS is on the spectrum, AHAD and learningdifficulties..... My eldest DDS is fully aware that he will naturally have to have a major involvement in his adult life.....they are brothers, family

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

If someone cooks for me (even dh) I always thank them and help to clear up. Isn't that the norm? Why on earth should her brother not wash up or not express his appreciation?

I know, I'm confused about this too.

It seems to be the OP's womanly duty to cook a monthly meal for a rude and unappreciative man who invites himself over just because he is her brother.

But as a man, he has no responsibility to feed her or put up with her rudeness on a regular basis.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

she is my sister and as such she is welcome in my home, in my life no matter what...

No matter how she treats you?

My sister is welcome in my home and in my life because I love her and she is nice. If she was a horrible bitch who treated me like shit, she would no longer be welcome.

I didn't decide to have her. The only people who owe her unconditional love are my parents.

[Minifingers]

My brother doesn't have Aspergers (my Ds does). He's nevertheless invited me to his home for a meal, though he's been to mine to dinner a fair amount.

I don't care. I love him. I'm happy to have him here.

You sound like a misery guts.

[MrsDavidBowie]

How true, Joinyourplayfellows

Dh has a couple of siblings who have very poor social skills, and who are uncomfortable to be around. They have never been to our house.

[Laquitar]

Who talked about 'womanly duties'? Ffs
Nobody here mentioned men and women.

Some of us talk about families, different personalities, the possibility of op's brother to have AS or to be going through tough time. That's all.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

No, nobody mentioned men and women.

But we do live in a world where women are expected to be accommodating and welcoming and solicitous of men's needs and where there is no similar expectation of men.

As we see here where a women whose brother is incredibly rude on several counts and bad company to boot, is told that she must continue to host him on his terms even though he never reciprocates.

Why must she?

[Laquitar]

But those who find op unreadonable they would probably say the same if the brother was a sister. Or if the op was a man. At least i would.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

Of course they's SAY that they'd say that.

Because everyone THINKS they are completely unbiased and non-sexist.

And yet somehow we live in a world where women earn far less of the money and do far more of the domestic work that fairness would allow.

The reality is that the expectation of the red carpet being rolled out endlessly for a rude man is something that is far, far more likely to asked of a woman than a man.

And asked of FOR a man than for a woman.

[patienceisvirtuous]

Ffs life is too short. My brother can come round here whenever he likes and I will feed him. I couldn't give a shit about wine and chocolates. He is my family and I love him. Isn't it nice just to spend time with family (despite their flaws?

[Thetallesttower]

The OP's husband asked him over for dinner not her- I am the first to spot gender inbalance, but given that he did invite back (not to the OP's liking as he had coffee and not tea and reminding about the buns) I really think describing a once every month or two visit of a sibling is hardly the stuff of womanly duty.

[MarianneM]

OP - you are horrible.

He doesn't sound like a jerk - you do.

[patienceisvirtuous]

I judt think this is a very mean-spirited post.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

Ffs life is too short.

Yes, too short to spend it making dinner for somebody who is habitually rude and no fun to be around.

The OP's husband asked him over for dinner not her- I am the first to spot gender inbalance

Well if you were you would have spotted that a man issued an invitation to another man and the woman was expected to cook the food.

[patienceisvirtuous]

Where does OP say her brother is rude?

I really don't think this is about bloody sexism JYPF!

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

Um, here:

He didn't say thanks for the invitation. He walked in as if he owned the place, sat down and ate his food - without complimenting us on the rather good meal. He didn't offer to clear or wash up. He didn't say thanks when he left.

[Thetallesttower]

Join I don't see in the OP where the poster says she cooked the dinner. She says 'us' as in her and her husband. If my husband invites, he cooks. She is not obliged to do anything fancy, she could be like the rest of us who have somewhat odd siblings and just let them have a nice dinner round with our family now and again.

[cricketballs]

"she is my sister and as such she is welcome in my home, in my life no matter what...

No matter how she treats you?

My sister is welcome in my home and in my life because I love her and she is nice. If she was a horrible bitch who treated me like shit, she would no longer be welcome.

I didn't decide to have her. The only people who owe her unconditional love are my parents."

You didn't decide to have her but you have got her...family is the most important thing and if it means hosting them to a meal once a month without shock horror receiving a gift then so be it

[TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking]

Why are people say he came over uninvited?

The op states When he rang my husband invited him to eat with us

[SpecialAgentFreyPie]

OP I'm sorry you're getting a hard time.

My DB has ASD, diagnosed as an adult. I love him but I don't like him. I put up with him for DP's sake. It's been a lot easier since his DP has been on the scene.

OP is human too, and when you've had a childhood of dealing with a sibling who has an undiagnosed SN and just seems so slef absorbed. My DB has done some of the loveliest, kindest big gestures for me but he's horrible at day to day stuff.

I'm human. I can't just erase a lifetime of hurt feelings because he had a label slapped on him. Like my DP expect me too

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

This is why people are saying he comes over uninvited:

has a habit of ringing up and suggesting visits that are around lunchtime or the time when we eat in the evening.

So he invites himself over, comes empty handed, doesn't say thanks, doesn't help out, and spends the whole time complaining and talking about himself.

But apparently the OP should be delighted to see him, despite the fact that spending time with him is unpleasant and he creates work and expense for her that he takes as his due.

[TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking]

JoinYourPlayfellows _ has a habit of ringing up and suggesting visits that are around lunchtime or the time when we eat in the evening.

That still does not say he comes over uninvited.

[patienceisvirtuous]

Yes but OP believes her bro is on the spectrum which could account for lack of social graces. And that's all it is. Not rudeness per se.