To not let my 4 year old go to her friend's house without me?

[mrsdom]

Hello mumsnetters,
Long time lurker looking for some advice. My little girl is in preschool, and turned 4 in November. She is quite a shy girl but has one close friend in preschool and a couple of other friends from the day nursery she used to attend. Actually I think she would like to play with other children in preschool but her friend is extremely reluctant to play with others and seems rather dependent on her (to the point that he used to cry in the first few weeks of preschool if my daughter wasn't going to after school care with him, and his mum tell me he's still really sad about that and has no other friends).
All this is by the by really, but I just wanted to give some background to the friendship. We've had a couple of play dates (I know that lots of people hate that expression but can't think what else to call it!) since before Christmas, to soft play and to each other's homes. His mum is quite nice and I've enjoyed her company but I wouldn't call her a friend (though I encouraged the play dates as I'm not originally from this town and have found it hard to make friends so thought this was one way to try and widen my circle).
Anyway, the little boy's mum keeps mentioning having my daughter over to play on her own and I'm not keen on it. I've only been to her house once but I've never met her older child or her husband. I don't know a lot about them and my kids are used to being left with anyone other than family or teachers/carers. Am I being unreasonable and overprotective to feel uncomfortable with this idea? And if you think I am being unreasonable you should hear my husband's views...!
So, what do you think? Thanks.

[OddFodd]

I do, diddl. Because you have to trust other people to look after your child adequately at a much, much younger age so by the time you get to 4, you're not thinking 'I do worry that my daughter will be uncomfortable, scared, miss her Mummy etc.' if they've been in childcare since they were a baby.

I don't see that it's a particularly controversial POV!

[mrsdom]

I forgot why I never normally post on these things - it is so easy for people to make assumptions based on a few paragraphs posted online. I am not, nor I have I ever been, a SAHM (apart from maternity leave). Not sure why anyone thought that (and seems pretty unfair on SAHPs). My children have both been in childcare (day nursery) since they were 10/11 months old. They mix very well with other children and with grown-ups that they know. No carer or teacher has ever raised any concerns about that. We go out and family members or staff from the nursery babysit. They are both as independent as I would expect a 4 and 2 year old to be. I have not said (though maybe I implied, in which case, sorry), that I would never let my daughter go to anyone's house alone, ever. I was simply canvassing for opinions about whether you thought it was the right thing to do at this age (and got those aplenty!). As I expected, there are arguments for and against, some I hadn't thought of which was why I asked. I am not a perfect parent, and I can be over-anxious/over-protective, but I really hope I am not the control freak, "my kids are better/more precious than yours" person that some people have inferred from my comments. [embarrassed]

All that being said, I have given this a lot of thought overnight. I have come to the conclusion that my problem is with this particular mother and son. I am not ready to leave my daughter with them and I don't know why. A gut feeling that she is not my type of person, perhaps (I can't explain why, that's just how I feel). And concern that her little boy is too dependent on my little girl (though that will hopefully sort itself out in time). I would be quite happy for my daughter to go to her other close friend's house without me - I don't know the mum and dad much better, but again, I am going with a gut feeling. Though I am sure some of you will think that is nuts...hey ho.

Need one of these now!

[OddFodd]

Apologies for making assumptions. That rationale makes a lot more sense

[mrsdom]

Well sometimes you have to put things down in print and have other people psychoanalyse you before you fully understand it yourself!

[AcrylicPlexiglass]

One of my friends has a theory that a lot of problems stem from the fact that children have less and less freedom in the primary years and then suddenly, by necessity, get free reign at 11 and don't quite know how to cope. I think this kind of dilemma encapsulates that, broadly. I think your husband sounds seriously overprotective, to an almost pathological extent!

Having said that, I totally understand having reservations about specific families- I stayed with my twin sons at about 6/7 when they were invited to a little boy's house who had a very smacky harrasssed mum and a nasty sweary alcoholic step dad. Social services were involved. I liked the kid and so did they and I wanted them to have a chance to play with him. It was getting embarrassing engineering ways to get him to come to ours instead so eventually I accepted the mum's invitation but I was not happy for them to go alone into a known seriously struggling family environment. We all had a nice time in the end.

[diddl]

Well OP, if you're happy for her to go elsewhere alone, you're obviously not a completely lost cause

If you don't want to leave her there, then just don't.

Perhaps easier said than done & if your daughter isn't keen either, maybe you need to tell the mum so that she can help her son make other friends?

[mathanxiety]

I agree with AcrylicPlexiglass' comment about your DH's overprotectiveness.

I would like to suggest that just because a family has a different family dynamic from yours doesn't mean they are not capable of hosting a child safely and making her feel comfortable. Different doesn't equal dysfunctional.