To not let my 4 year old go to her friend's house without me?

[mrsdom]

Hello mumsnetters,
Long time lurker looking for some advice. My little girl is in preschool, and turned 4 in November. She is quite a shy girl but has one close friend in preschool and a couple of other friends from the day nursery she used to attend. Actually I think she would like to play with other children in preschool but her friend is extremely reluctant to play with others and seems rather dependent on her (to the point that he used to cry in the first few weeks of preschool if my daughter wasn't going to after school care with him, and his mum tell me he's still really sad about that and has no other friends).
All this is by the by really, but I just wanted to give some background to the friendship. We've had a couple of play dates (I know that lots of people hate that expression but can't think what else to call it!) since before Christmas, to soft play and to each other's homes. His mum is quite nice and I've enjoyed her company but I wouldn't call her a friend (though I encouraged the play dates as I'm not originally from this town and have found it hard to make friends so thought this was one way to try and widen my circle).
Anyway, the little boy's mum keeps mentioning having my daughter over to play on her own and I'm not keen on it. I've only been to her house once but I've never met her older child or her husband. I don't know a lot about them and my kids are used to being left with anyone other than family or teachers/carers. Am I being unreasonable and overprotective to feel uncomfortable with this idea? And if you think I am being unreasonable you should hear my husband's views...!
So, what do you think? Thanks.

[mathanxiety]

I agree with AcrylicPlexiglass' comment about your DH's overprotectiveness.

I would like to suggest that just because a family has a different family dynamic from yours doesn't mean they are not capable of hosting a child safely and making her feel comfortable. Different doesn't equal dysfunctional.

[diddl]

Well OP, if you're happy for her to go elsewhere alone, you're obviously not a completely lost cause

If you don't want to leave her there, then just don't.

Perhaps easier said than done & if your daughter isn't keen either, maybe you need to tell the mum so that she can help her son make other friends?

[AcrylicPlexiglass]

One of my friends has a theory that a lot of problems stem from the fact that children have less and less freedom in the primary years and then suddenly, by necessity, get free reign at 11 and don't quite know how to cope. I think this kind of dilemma encapsulates that, broadly. I think your husband sounds seriously overprotective, to an almost pathological extent!

Having said that, I totally understand having reservations about specific families- I stayed with my twin sons at about 6/7 when they were invited to a little boy's house who had a very smacky harrasssed mum and a nasty sweary alcoholic step dad. Social services were involved. I liked the kid and so did they and I wanted them to have a chance to play with him. It was getting embarrassing engineering ways to get him to come to ours instead so eventually I accepted the mum's invitation but I was not happy for them to go alone into a known seriously struggling family environment. We all had a nice time in the end.

[mrsdom]

Well sometimes you have to put things down in print and have other people psychoanalyse you before you fully understand it yourself!

[OddFodd]

Apologies for making assumptions. That rationale makes a lot more sense

[mrsdom]

I forgot why I never normally post on these things - it is so easy for people to make assumptions based on a few paragraphs posted online. I am not, nor I have I ever been, a SAHM (apart from maternity leave). Not sure why anyone thought that (and seems pretty unfair on SAHPs). My children have both been in childcare (day nursery) since they were 10/11 months old. They mix very well with other children and with grown-ups that they know. No carer or teacher has ever raised any concerns about that. We go out and family members or staff from the nursery babysit. They are both as independent as I would expect a 4 and 2 year old to be. I have not said (though maybe I implied, in which case, sorry), that I would never let my daughter go to anyone's house alone, ever. I was simply canvassing for opinions about whether you thought it was the right thing to do at this age (and got those aplenty!). As I expected, there are arguments for and against, some I hadn't thought of which was why I asked. I am not a perfect parent, and I can be over-anxious/over-protective, but I really hope I am not the control freak, "my kids are better/more precious than yours" person that some people have inferred from my comments. [embarrassed]

All that being said, I have given this a lot of thought overnight. I have come to the conclusion that my problem is with this particular mother and son. I am not ready to leave my daughter with them and I don't know why. A gut feeling that she is not my type of person, perhaps (I can't explain why, that's just how I feel). And concern that her little boy is too dependent on my little girl (though that will hopefully sort itself out in time). I would be quite happy for my daughter to go to her other close friend's house without me - I don't know the mum and dad much better, but again, I am going with a gut feeling. Though I am sure some of you will think that is nuts...hey ho.

Need one of these now!

[OddFodd]

I do, diddl. Because you have to trust other people to look after your child adequately at a much, much younger age so by the time you get to 4, you're not thinking 'I do worry that my daughter will be uncomfortable, scared, miss her Mummy etc.' if they've been in childcare since they were a baby.

I don't see that it's a particularly controversial POV!

[diddl]

"I think this must be a SAHP thing"

[bodygoingsouth]

when my dds were this age they had 2 teen brothers. it honestly never crossed my mind that anyone would be worried about their children coming to tea.

however 4 is young, if she wants to go then go with her the first time and see how it pans out. just be a bit careful here op as you could inadvertently piss this woman off if she is made to feel her house/son arnt good enough for your dd. I know you don't think this but other people are just as precious about their children as you and your dh are.

as for him just wanting to play with your dd that's not an issue, he will move on.

[OddFodd]

YABU. I think this must be a SAHP thing. I've worked since DS was a baby so I am pretty confident other people can keep him alive. I did go to his first playdate because I didn't know the other mum but only stayed for a cup of tea. Three years on and I still haven't met her husband or the older siblings!

[diddl]

If you want your daughter to have more friends but don't want her to stay anywhere, then you'll have to start inviting children to play with her.

If the parents stay or not is up to them.

Don't make it hard for her by insisting that parents stay if they don't want to.

[MoominsYonisAreScary]

Its up to you what you do with your dd, although im glad not all parents are like this as ds1 is 19. We hardly see him so theres not much chance of the younger dcs friends parents meeting him.

[Monty27]

The thing is, you know how caring you and your family are, you don't actually really know the dynamics of that family.

I wouldn't have done it when mine were that age. YANBU!

[mathanxiety]

If you're not afraid of paedophiles or psychopaths, then what are you worried about?

I certainly do think someone who wants to know who comes and goes from a house and every single family member where their child might visit for a couple of hours once every few weeks has some sort of issue. 'OTT' is putting it mildly. And yes, the whole thing seems to be more about you and your H's anxieties than about the child and affording her safe and developmentally appropriate opportunities to develop her independence.

[TamerB]

By that I mean that I introduced them to the child but not the parent, the parent wasn't going to be there.

[TamerB]

I also didn't introduce everyone in the family, I can't see the need.

[TamerB]

There is only one question- Is the child happy to go? And take it from there.
They are little so it is really up to you, but you need to work up to going alone when they start school. I invited children around for the children's benefit, it gave me time to get on with things, so I didn't invite parents at school age.

[2rebecca]

If it's just that you're worried she will miss you then don't send her. I don't see why you insisting on meeting everyone in the family will make her miss you less though. That's the bit that seems OTT and more about you and your anxieties than about her.

[2rebecca]

I agree, we're a "blended family" with various stepsibs coming and going, less now they're all teenagers.
I met very few of the fathers of my kids' friends.
They're only going for a few hours though, not a week.
I used to play out for hours as a young kid casually popping into the houses of friends who my parents had never met.
Most kids who are abused are abused by their relatives, not friends and their parents.
It seems OTT.
If the kid doesn't want to go then don't send her, it's just a few hours of playing.
It seems a tremendous fuss over nothing.
I love the fact that my teenagers are independant and not scared of strangers.

[mrsdom]

Wow, mathanxiety, you make us sound certifiable! I think maybe you're reading more into this than we are. I don't assume that every stranger is a psychopath or paedophile. I do worry that my daughter will be uncomfortable, scared, miss her Mummy etc. Perhaps without need. But if I was as bad as you make out I'd need help. Thanks for your opinion anyway.

[mathanxiety]

I think it is completely unreasonable to want to know everyone in a house before allowing a child over to play.

What would you and your DH have done with my family if my youngest was friends in school with your child? She has four older siblings. How could you and your H possibly have got to know them all? How would you propose to meet them all and speak with them?

Are the pair of you thinking you can in all seriousness do this? What happens if there is a family where step siblings visit on weekends or stay for half a week? What if there is a family where a grandparent or aunt stays for a few weeks because mum has horrible morning sickness?

And as for 'who is coming in or out'?

It's completely bonkers. If that is truly what your H thinks I am stunned.

And what do you mean by 'know' anyway?
Are you going to do criminal background checks, or are you shrewd enough to detect psychopathic tendencies in an 8 year old sibling, or see 'paedophile' written all over the dad's face?

Is that what you expect to find in other parents?

Suspicion on that level is a serious problem.

[jellybeans]

It's not always a PFB thing. I haven't let DS (just 5) go to anyone's house yet, have politely declined. But my DDs at nursery age went. Every child is different. My 3DSs had no sense of danger till about 6 and the other mums would let their kids run in front by the road etc and I knew my DSs would have been in the road so i said no other than for close friends who were similar in terms of watching boisterous DC well. I used to get fed up when people mithered me every single week 2 or 3 times to have my DC! I did want to see them myself!! I wouldn't let her go until you feel fine about it. trust your gut feeling.

[underachievingmum]

When DD1 was at nursery I was invited and stayed for play dates although there weren't huge numbers as I was working.

Once she started school she started going without me.... I knew the mums and siblings and some of the husbands (one form entry school and she was at the nursery and it was most of the same friends!). She's now Y1 and I have to admit a few weeks ago I realised I'd agreed to a playdate when I had no idea where the house was..... However with 2 more children now I was mostly just glad of the peace!!

DS now at the nursery and wants play dates...... But no way would he be happy to go anywhere without me. It'll be a pain but hey ho!!

So no - not unreasonable at all to me!!

[Tinpin]

Hoochycoo - I'm so glad it still happens, they had such fun. Reading some of the posts here I was beginning to think children had to stay at home now until they were 25!!

[Heydiddledumdum]

I don't think you are bu.

I think there are two issues:

1. The boy is too focused /dependant on your dd. Ask nursery to encourage other friendships; take your dd to play dates with other children.

1. You are not comfortable to leave your dd at this woman's house alone. This is not ur at all. Don't let her pressure you into it. 4 yrs is still very young. Unless I knew the family very well I wouldn't have left dc alone a that age.