to be annoyed with my friend for saying i set a bad example?

[QueenofKelsingra]

Backstory: I went to uni, got a job, got married, got pregnant and left work to have DS1. I did not return to work after DS1, (now a pre-schooler), and now have DTs, (toddlers). I'm 29. DH earns good money at his job, with budgeting we can manage well on his salary alone - for example we 'own brand' shop but don't need to 'value' shop IYSWIM?

DH and I are both products of SAHM families, as adults we appreciate the importance of that and both of us decided that as long as we were financially able to do so, I would be a SAHM for our children. A present there are no plans for me to return to paid employment even when the kids are in school.

I do all the cleaning, shopping, washing, ironing, cooking, housework in general etc. I'm in charge of all our financial incomings and outgoings, savings etc. DH works 11 hour days but is very hands one when home, does bathtime/bedtime etc. at the weekends we both get some 'down time' to do our own hobbies.

DH and I are both 100% on the same page about all of this, we are very happy with this arrangement.

My 'friend' who I have been friends with since school, has now told me that I set a bad example to my children. apparently I am teaching my DSs that their future wives must be a 'domestic slave' (her words) and teaching my DD that she should aspire to be a 'lady that lunches' (again her words)

I actually had to leave and cried all the way home. I just feel so belittled by her comments, like me and DH choosing for me to be at home is some awful crime!

AIBU to be royally pissed off and considering dropping her as a friend? She is single with no children and a real career woman if that matters. I would never tell a working mother that she was 'wrong' for choosing that way, why is ok to do it to me?

[AngelaDaviesHair]

My education tends to come in very useful when I am looking after my children. Learning doesn't end when school does. And all the many studies looking at developing countries etc show a massive correlation between maternal education and good outcomes for children.

[FreakinScaryCaaw]

She's so jealous it's seeping out of her.

Find new friends. I was a sahm. Didn't work for 15 years after having dcs. Now work ft and am going pt as I don't see enough of my dp and teen sons. They're over the moon with this. Boss says I'm brilliant at my job even though it's a totally new field for me. So all I'm saying is if you do decide to work when your dcs aren't so dependent on you then it is possible.

You should definitely ditch her she's toxic.

[FreakinScaryCaaw]

Happy the OP went to Uni.

[Goldenbear]

YANBU to find her comments rude.

How is being a SAHM a waste of an 'Education' unless of course your only motivation for educating yourself is for job purposes?

A lot of people are not made interesting because they have a job as most people have quite dull jobs. If anything I want my DC to not let a job define them as that is not what makes life fulfilling.

[Kewcumber]

I'm a professional and technically probably 90% of my school and university education is "wasted" in that I've never applied it to a job.

[MakingEveryDayCount]

Seriously, your friend should get lost and mind her own business. I think the thing you have to remember here is that she HAS NO CHILDREN.
She's probably jealous as hell of your lifestyle.
If it works perfectly for you and your husband, and your family set up, then THAT'S what important, and stuff what anyone else thinks.
You know what? You can't win whatever you do, anyway as a mum. I've always worked full time up until having my eldest, then when he was born I went back on a part time basis working half of the week when he was one
I actually got people saying how I shouldn't be leaving him as he'd forget who you are, he never sees you, blah...
Now, after the birth of my second and they're now both at full time school I get people saying "So, when are you going to be going to work then?" "Surely you want a job?"
As, I said cannot win whatever you do! As long as you can manage financially and it works for your family, stuff the rest and smile serenely while mentally telling them to piss off

[kerala]

No happy person would make comments like that. I'd feel quite sorry for and quietly edit her out.

[violator]

QueenofKelsingra I don't believe any SAHP is wasting their education and I think you're confusing me with someone else?
I was a SAHM!

[QueenofKelsingra]

as someone pointed out earlier I am effectively the house PA, which is actually what I did before having the DCs! So in my case I utilising my organisational and budgeting skills quite well!

kewcumber likewise none of the jobs I did pre-DC actually directly link to my degree.

freakin I hope you enjoy the extra time with your family

goldenbear well put

[QueenofKelsingra]

sorry violator, I was expanding on your point, it was aimed at happymummy, apologies!

[Whistleblower0]

She sounds jealous. Ignore her and enjoy your life.

[MOTU]

Remind her that the feminist movement was about choice not emulating the traditional male role. You are showing your children what a good marriage is, ie you and DH have divided the labour of having a family equally in a way which suits you and benefits your family. This would also be true if you both worked and equally shared the other jobs or if you worked and DH did the "domestic section". We have the same arrangement as you and I occasionally get comments but Its really none of anyone else business how dh and i choose to provide all the things my children need (food,shelter, supervision, love, education, etc) we share it between us, end of. Oh and DH and I also come from childhoods with a stay at home parent but one of each, he had a sahm and I had a sahd! Either way round, for us it was the right choice!

[helzapoppin2]

When my family was growing up we did every permutation of working/SAHM/D according to the circumstances.
I never understood why it was regarded as "better" for someone else to bring up my children (childminder, nursery), but if I looked after them I got anxious remarks about how soon I was returning to work. I got a bit of a complex about it, and ended up deciding that they were just making conversation.
These days the kids are grown up. DH still has a demanding career which means I do the domestic stuff, mostly, while still pursuing my own interests. It just seems a viable way of working with which we are both happy.
It really is nobody's business but ours.
OP, stick to your guns!

[EmmaBemma]

"She's single with no children. And she's probably as jealous as a rat...
Ignore."

Good grief! Why is this the knee-jerk response when any woman criticises another? JEALOUS! It is possible to disagree with someone else's choices without secretly wanting to be that person, you know. I think the OP's friend was extremely crass and insensitive in the way she gave her opinion but she's entitled to it. I'm a SAHM by choice but when I was single and didn't have children it was certainly not something I aspired to. In fact I think the younger, less experienced me would have been rather disappointed that I hadn't gone straight back to work after babies.

[picklesrule]

You sound really sorted and having a lovely family life. Your friend sounds jealous and toxic. You should either pity her or ditch her, seriously your life sounds great don't let anyone tell you otherwise!!

[bragmatic]

I agree with the poster upthread who said no happy person makes comments like that to a friend.

That said, comments about "childminders bringing up my children" makes me want to grind my teeth to a pulp. Do fathers not bring up their children then, Helza?

I don't work at the moment though I have done since the kids were born and no doubt will again. If my husband left me tomorrow, or died, or became incapacitated, we would be OK. I could go back to work and take care of my children and put a roof over their heads and pay for their education without living hand to mouth. There is a risk to being a SAHM for years in that eventually you become less employable and your earning capacity plummets. Which is fine if life hums along smoothly for you, but often it doesn't.

For that reason alone I think it's worth considering your employment status from time to time and I agree that it's a good for children to see both parents working, either both at the same time, or separately. Saying that doesn't mean that I think not working = bad example.

[TamerB]

You really do have to ignore people like that. You are a good role model depending on how you behave in everyday life, paid employment is irrelevant.
She is insecure about her own choices and you are undermining her by being successful and confident without paid employment.
Don't let her get to you.

[TheSkiingGardener]

I think the only important thing to model to your children is that they should make the choices that work for them. I want my children to see DH and I organising our lives as a family around what works for us and them. If that means one of us stays at home then great. If that means we both work and find childcare then fantastic as long as they are happy. It's not about modelling one particular set of choices but modelling a mutually respectful relationship that works out how best to function as a family.

Your friend thinks only her choices are valid ones, not a good person to have as a friend!

[differentnameforthis]

apparently I am teaching my DSs that their future wives must be a 'domestic slave'

My dh was raised by a SAHM & he does more housework than I do :)
It isn't all about what they physically see, you can teach them that chores are the responsibility of both sexes.

'yes it'll be a better example for DD and for the boys if you work'.

I think that is is terrible how the responsibility is put on mums to 'show a good example' by working. I don't know of ONE man who has been told by his parents, friends etc that he is 'setting a good example' to his children for working.

[FreakinScaryCaaw]

differentnameforthis, my dp was raised by a sahm and he's ultra tidy more than me

[FreakinScaryCaaw]

tyrannosaurusmomma do you have to see much of SIL? And how does your MIL react with the eyebrow raise? SIL sounds awul. She wouldn't get house room if she were mine.