to be annoyed with my friend for saying i set a bad example?

[QueenofKelsingra]

Backstory: I went to uni, got a job, got married, got pregnant and left work to have DS1. I did not return to work after DS1, (now a pre-schooler), and now have DTs, (toddlers). I'm 29. DH earns good money at his job, with budgeting we can manage well on his salary alone - for example we 'own brand' shop but don't need to 'value' shop IYSWIM?

DH and I are both products of SAHM families, as adults we appreciate the importance of that and both of us decided that as long as we were financially able to do so, I would be a SAHM for our children. A present there are no plans for me to return to paid employment even when the kids are in school.

I do all the cleaning, shopping, washing, ironing, cooking, housework in general etc. I'm in charge of all our financial incomings and outgoings, savings etc. DH works 11 hour days but is very hands one when home, does bathtime/bedtime etc. at the weekends we both get some 'down time' to do our own hobbies.

DH and I are both 100% on the same page about all of this, we are very happy with this arrangement.

My 'friend' who I have been friends with since school, has now told me that I set a bad example to my children. apparently I am teaching my DSs that their future wives must be a 'domestic slave' (her words) and teaching my DD that she should aspire to be a 'lady that lunches' (again her words)

I actually had to leave and cried all the way home. I just feel so belittled by her comments, like me and DH choosing for me to be at home is some awful crime!

AIBU to be royally pissed off and considering dropping her as a friend? She is single with no children and a real career woman if that matters. I would never tell a working mother that she was 'wrong' for choosing that way, why is ok to do it to me?

[QueenofKelsingra]

Thanks everyone. I shouldn't have needed the reassurance but I did and I feel much better.

deep down DH and I know we are doing what we feel is right for our family in our current situation and I shouldn't let anyone else make me feel inferior because of it.

She has form for being slightly judgemental but this was a step up even for her. The reason I am hesitant to just drop her is maybe if/when she marries/has a family of her own maybe it will be easier (I have got closer to some friends that drifted now they are settling down) and I perhaps feel I shouldn't burn the bridge?

I do however feel like more often than not at the moment it is more effort than the friendship is worth. i think i need to take some time to get over being hurt and angry about it so i don't make a knee jerk decision. but realistically i think it is time to give the friendship the opportunity to die off of its own accord. :(

[bishbashboosh]

Oh ignore her!!! She is not a friend!

Focus on the great job you are doing, or let her have your children and chores for the day

[Topaz25]

I don't have DC at the moment and probably won't choose to be a SAHM when I do but I would never refer to a friend who made that choice as a 'domestic slave'! How rude! If you can afford it and it works for you and your family, good for you. Your friend should respect you and your choices. If you want to salvage the friendship, try telling her you were hurt by what she said and explaining you are an equal partner not a slave, not that you should have to justify yourself to her! Otherwise take a step back from the friendship. She has no right to talk to you like that.

[Whyamihere]

I think as long as your children are happy it won't make a difference whether you work or stay at home.

However I disagree with Marylou in that staying home is harder than working outside the home, it's too sweeping a statement. I think it depends on the person/job and how you manage, I find working (in a pretty intense and stressful job) and having to cope with worrying when dd is sick and having to take time off and fitting in things such as swimming lessons, homework etc much more stressfull than when I was at home. However I know people who find being at home very stressful because it is not something they enjoy.

You should do what suits you and your family and quite frankly it is no one else's business.

[woodlandwanderwoman]

OP please read this, on days when people have made me feel like you do it reminds me of the most important things about our roles as SAHMs.

m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4086126/

[woodlandwanderwoman]

sorry here's the link

[Minnieisthedevilmouse]

It won't get easier when she has a family. She will just find new ways to compete and make you small.

Drop her like a hot brick.

[RhondaJean]

Personally I agree with your friends viewpoint but I wouldnt be so crass as to put it across in the way she did.

However the fact that it has upset you so much makes me wonder if perhaps you arent as completely happy with the situation as you make out. If you genuinely are let it roll over you, we have our reasons for feeling the way we do, and yanbu in that there is no need to lecture others who feel differently.

[QueenofKelsingra]

oh that is a lovely article woodland i shall print that out and pin it to my noticeboard (the fridge!).

this is in no way about whether being a SAHM or a working mum is better/harder/right/wrong. it is purely about her devaluing my choice.

[WilsonFrickett]

That article has actually gripped my shit. The more time a mother can spend raising her kids, the better. WTAF? No mention of fathers?

OP I have already posted in support of you and I think your friend was wrong but lets not slip too far down the SAHM-deifying road, eh? All choices are good choices. And SAH's can be SAHD too...

[tomverlaine]

It is an interesting question though how do you motivate children (especially girls) to get a career etc when you believe that once you have children that being a SAHM throughout their childhood is the more valuable option?

(this doesn't mean I agree with the way she has raised it)

[permaquandry]

It's not setting a bad example. My parents both worked but my mum had a job where she was at home for when we got back from school. My parents both shared the domestics.

I have been a SAHM for 9 yrs, after working very hard for 13 years before my 1st. My husband goes out to work and I do all the domestics. This is just how it is and nothing like my own upbringing.

I talk to my children constantly about how hard I worked, where I worked, the great and interesting opportunities I had and I also talk about how I chose to be a SAHM.

They talk about what jobs they would like to do when they grow up and know it's important to work hard in school, to broaden their job opportunities.

It's not just the examples you set, it's the teachings you give.

Don't worry about your friends comments, she has no idea how she will feel after having children or what her position will be.

FWIW I believe that each option is as worthy as the other but this is the hardest job I've had, the most rewarding and the happiest I have been, but none the less, the hardest.

[Joysmum]

Funny how the people most rude and judge mental of SAHM's are other women!

The most ardent so called feminists are only interested in women's right to chose if that choice is what they themselves would chose.

In my experience, feminists have had a far more oppressive influence on my life than misogyny has ever been.

[IceBeing]

"In my experience, feminists have had a far more oppressive influence on my life than misogyny has ever been."



In what way do you feel oppressed by feminists? Did someone sneak into your house and burn your bra?

[QueenofKelsingra]

Wilson the article is from the father's point of view, and it is more common to have SAHMs than SAHDs i guess. I like the sentiment of the article in context of SAHParenting in general. Like i said before, i don't feel parents are 'wrong' for working, i respect their choice, in return I'd like my choice to be respected.

I talk to my children constantly about how hard I worked, where I worked, the great and interesting opportunities I had and I also talk about how I chose to be a SAHM.

^^ this is my intention as they get older.

[SlimJiminy]

Sounds like jealousy to me. Your DH goes out to work and you stay at home - you still share the workload - and (most importantly) you're happy with the arrangement you have. I agree with those who've said you can't be a skivvy/slave AND a lady wot lunches - she's being a dick.

Definitely don't get upset about it. And don't let the duration of your friendship create some weird obligation to stay friends with her. I've done this before and ended up getting far less out of the friendship than I ever put in. Far better to invest your time and effort into friendships with people you have things in common with than to try to salvage the scraps that are left when you've grown apart.

P.S. nellieellie I don't have children either but would never, ever comment on my friends' decisions relating to their family's working/SAHM set-up. None of my business and you don't need to have children yourself to be able to see that.

[WilsonFrickett]

I understand that Queen, I actually just don't want your thread to be derailed into a WOHP/SAHP bunfight as usual and articles like that make that more likely. Unless it's just me

[dawdling]

Laugh and remark that you always enjoy hearing non-parents pontificate on parenthood. (Lightest, most tinkling laughter you can muster)

[Owllady]

Surely the vast majority of women have worked and will resume work at some point anyway, so I really don't get the 'it sets a bad example' thing. Unless all sahm have vodka on their cornflakes and torture kittens in the afternoon

[Owllady]

It is true 're non parents though. I laughed when someone I know said she couldn't wait for the baby to be born so she could back to normal :) but you know, I most probably said daft stuff too.

[Allthequeenshorses]

I agree with whyiamhere, entirely. Marylou thats an awful sweeping comment to make.

[zeezeek]

Actually, I agree with her.

I find women who are SAHM very naive and, frankly, boring. All my friends are either working mums (like me) or childless.

Sorry.

[Kewcumber]

I don't understand why whether she's jealous or not makes a difference. You don't have to be jealous to think that going out to work is a more sensible choice for a woman with children, its a perfectly reasonable point of view. She was rude to decide her opinion is more important than your opinion when it comes to your family.

My mother was unceremoniously dumped by my father after 35 years of marriage where he earned the larger share of the income for longer than her (she went back to work when we were older but in a lower paid less fulfilling job) leaving her with shit for pension but (in exchange a larger share of the house). It hasn't been easy financially for her and she is slightly bitter that her very promising career (she's brighter than my Dad) was to all intents and purposes consigned to the dustbin.

So it has made me wary of being financially dependent on anyone. And I have mentioned the pension issue to friends who are SAHM to make sure they make a sensible pension provision because whilst its possible in theory to split pensions on divorce, in practice it never seems to work out like that. But I don;t harp on about it because I make my own choices and they make theirs - as I am a good friend I do point out if I think they are making crazy financial decisions based on the mistaken belief that their DH would never leave them. But I'd never be rude to them or judge them for their choices - I get to choose what I do... I don't get to choose what they do as well.

[QueenofKelsingra]

kewcumber i don't think it does make a difference. whatever her reasons for saying it i think we have established she was rude and shouldn't have said what she said the way she said it.

all our savings are in my name so he couldn't up and leave me with nothing, and yes i do have my own pension set up.

zeezeek you have missed the point. and i am neither naïve or boring thanks, talk about sweeping generalisations

[dozeydoris]

Well, if you looked well, happy and relaxed then perhaps there was a bit of the green-eyed monster there. Careers can be great, but they can also be exhausting, bitchy, boring etc. Likewise SAHM work can be repetitive, boring etc. but she won't know that.