to be annoyed with my friend for saying i set a bad example?

[QueenofKelsingra]

Backstory: I went to uni, got a job, got married, got pregnant and left work to have DS1. I did not return to work after DS1, (now a pre-schooler), and now have DTs, (toddlers). I'm 29. DH earns good money at his job, with budgeting we can manage well on his salary alone - for example we 'own brand' shop but don't need to 'value' shop IYSWIM?

DH and I are both products of SAHM families, as adults we appreciate the importance of that and both of us decided that as long as we were financially able to do so, I would be a SAHM for our children. A present there are no plans for me to return to paid employment even when the kids are in school.

I do all the cleaning, shopping, washing, ironing, cooking, housework in general etc. I'm in charge of all our financial incomings and outgoings, savings etc. DH works 11 hour days but is very hands one when home, does bathtime/bedtime etc. at the weekends we both get some 'down time' to do our own hobbies.

DH and I are both 100% on the same page about all of this, we are very happy with this arrangement.

My 'friend' who I have been friends with since school, has now told me that I set a bad example to my children. apparently I am teaching my DSs that their future wives must be a 'domestic slave' (her words) and teaching my DD that she should aspire to be a 'lady that lunches' (again her words)

I actually had to leave and cried all the way home. I just feel so belittled by her comments, like me and DH choosing for me to be at home is some awful crime!

AIBU to be royally pissed off and considering dropping her as a friend? She is single with no children and a real career woman if that matters. I would never tell a working mother that she was 'wrong' for choosing that way, why is ok to do it to me?

[Kewcumber]

Ha ha - glad to hear it Queen - though to be fair I wasn't trying to imply that you were anything other than totally sensible!

I was ignoring zeezeek - I know loads of people with paid careers who are intensely boring... but then I'm an accountant.

[Owllady]

It doesn't matter whether people agree or disagree. The op has CHOSEN to do this and is happy with her life, something many people don't ever experience. Her friend didn't NEED to express her opinion at all.

Not sure where the not boring = having a job either. How bizarre :o

[violator]

YANBU.

I don't think she's jealous, I think she needs to wind her neck in and keep her thoughts to herself.

FWIW my mum was a SAHM and was very keen that I return to work after DC was born. As was my sister, who was a SAHM for 4 years.
They may have thought what your friend did but never said it explicitly.

On another note, does having a cleaner set a bad example? That you pay someone to clean up your mess instead of doing it yourself?

[Owllady]

No of course it doesn't :) (dreams of having a cleaner)

[IceBeing]

its the mention of doing your DH's ironing that does it....it makes one itch to release you from domestic servitude.

I personally can't imagine a set up in which I would do any of my DH's ironing or expect him to do mine....it just seems wrong...

but the key point is that you are happy with the work load split so it is not really any business of anyone else's to 'rescue' you.

[Owllady]

I have never ironed anything

[QueenofKelsingra]

violateor oooh a cleaner.....that sounds lovely!!

Icebeing I watched DH iron a shirt once....actually he attempted one sleeve and then I took the iron away from him as all he had achieved was adding more creases!

owl I only iron work shirts and a couple of DDs very silly frilly dresses which scrunch up otherwise!

[IceBeing]

queen you know they do that on purpose right? The innocent 'ohh which way up does the iron go?' routine??

Seriously - anyone adult can master an iron...and should do their own bloody ironing!

Unless you get them to do something you hate in exchange....

[QueenofKelsingra]

haha, I don't mind it, quite relaxing and I can watch tv while I do it

DH puts the bins out, I cant stand doing that!

[rabbitlady]

op, if she upsets you, you are within your rights to drop her.
she might just be ignorant or jealous.
but what you are doing is absolutely right (one of many ways of being absolutely right, in fact) and it suits you, your o h and your children.
i think you are lucky and happy. no-one should try to undermine that.

[violator]

I have quite a few acquaintances with cleaners who wouldn't dream of being a SAHM because they "want their kids to see mummy can have a career too" yet think nothing of paying minimum wage to an immigrant to clean their toilets.
Strange.

[dancingwithmyselfandthecat]

Violator, what is wrong with setting your children the example of job creation? And is it equally strange when men pay people to clean their toilets, or if those toilet cleaners aren't immigrants? Why is cleaning a toilet for no money more worthy than going out to work - including the work of earning money by cleaning a toilet?

[StillSeekingSpike]

because if the toilet isn't cleaned by the Mummy of the House, it feels unloved

[dancingwithmyselfandthecat]

Ah, silly me Spike. I had forgotten the right of the toilet to feel loved by a Mummy.

[HappyMummyOfOne]

I'd have thought similar but maybe not have said it outloud unless you asked for my viewpoint on SAHMs.

The slave bit is daft as the person home all day not working should pick uo the bulk of the housework but i may have said i would want my daughter to see she could both parent and work (if i had one) rather than waste her education. Its also nicer to share the financial responsibility and have the means to support yourself should the relationship go sour or anything happen

[WilsonFrickett]

Don't worry violator, my toilet is cleaned by a native Scot!

[bishbashboosh]

I agree with owl lady

If it works for you and your family Nd you are happy, nobody's business

It's also a silly thing to say as clearly your children are atill young and you have a lot if life left to go back to work and be a errr good example

Plus she was being insensitive, some people with twins struggle to make working financially viable due to child are costs

[pigletmania]

Yanbu a talk, we gave the same set up at home, none of anyone's business, it works for us.

[mummytowillow]

Tell herbto mind her own!

I'm a single working mum and I don't feel judged. It works for your family and that's all that matters.

[QueenofKelsingra]

bish - yes the fact that I wouldn't earn enough to cover 3 lots of childcare didn't register in her thought process anywhere!!

happy I do not view what I do as wasting my education. would you tell a childminder they had 'wasted their education'? because that is effectively what I do?

[bodygoingsouth]

tell her to fuck off and keep her opinions to herself.

why on earth would you care a flying fuck what anyone says about your private family matters.

[FantasticMax]

I don't think she's jealous but I do think she's bloody rude. Either quietly drop her as a friend or challenge her next time it comes up.

Friends should be supportive of your choices, even if they may not choose the same things themselves.

[violator]

dancingwithmyselfandthecat there is nothing wrong with either - it's the people on their high horses about how their children must see mummy going to work to "instill a work ethic" in them because staying at home sets a bad example... yet never consider what example it sets to expect someone else to clean up after you.

I work fulltime. I don't have a cleaner though, I am the cleaner!

[QueenofKelsingra]

violator it is a good point. the flip side is, if I wasn't looking after the kids they would be in childcare of some nature - does that mean childminders, pre-school teachers etc are 'wrong' and 'wasting their education'? they are doing what a SAHP does surely? or because they get a paycheck for it which I don't that makes a difference to its worth as an occupation?

[HappyMummyOfOne]

Pre school teachers have to be qualified, follow early years cirriculum, usually first aid trained, deal with all the parents, nothing like being a mother