AIBU to feel hurt by my friends?

[Crazeeladee]

I posted this in chat too, but haven't had a response. I know I'm going to sound very childish in this post, but need some advice on how change how I feel about a situation. I became friends with friend A when we were both pregnant, we got on very well and met friend b at baby groups, we used to meet up for walks and lunches when our dc's were babies. I met friend c at another group, she was struggling to cope with her baby and I invited her to some of our lunches, she became a firm friend of us all. We had a few evenings together as families, all got on well. I've recently found out that they have been meeting up all together without me, and are now all going on holiday together. I feel very hurt, I have mentioned it friend c, who replied that some friendships just work, I know this is true, but just can't stop feeling really hurt, and wondering what I've done. We still see each other during the week sometimes when the dc's are at school, it's meeting up as families that I don't get the invites to. I feel really hurt and upset,AIBU?

[hmc]

Please don't send Mintyy's or anyone else's text word for word. Text nothing - dignified silence now, surely

[NewtRipley]

I understand you feel hurt.

It's why I don't invest that much in friendships at this age in terms of expecting to be especially close to any particular person. I do have good friends but I don't think I'm the best friend of anyone.

Friend C does sounds like this is all very gratifying for her. I'd leave her to it, frankly.

I agree with hmc

[Crazeeladee]

Think it's probably going to be more of a polite acquaintance relationship now rather than a friendship. Will just keep a low profile with them.

[Cherry34]

Same thing happened to me about a year ago. I have tried to maintain a relationship but always seem to be second guessing everything I do, everything I say. I love the way we were but I think that time has gone. This year's resolution was to find new friends. I am still polite to them, as I see them everyday on the school run, but I have decided that I don't want to be friends with people who don't think I or my family aren't good enough.

Friendship to me, is to love them warts and all! I want friends who feel the same.

You deserve better Crazeeladee.

[pigletmania]

Wow c is feeling like she is back at high school as she's behaving like a child. Forget c, she sounds awful, don't speak to her and just cut her dead. A and b were friends with you before c, see if you can have a chat with them, if nit draw a line under these 'friendships ' and move onto mire positive ones

[Crazeeladee]

It sounds a pretty good New Years resolution to me Cherry, I may well steal your idea!

[Lj8893]

Oh I really feel your pain.

It sounds silly but when I started high school (age 11) my cousin (same age) moved down to the area and so I really made an effort include her in my friendships. My best friend and her soon became best friends and it was heartbreaking for me and has really affected how I deal with friendships even now at 25!!

You will meet some nice new friends soon while the 3 of them decide who next to push out

[LucieLucie]

Crazee I feel for you I really do. It is shitty when women do this, it has happened to me in every single adult friendship group I've had, hence the reason now I am a loner but much more content in myself.

I think friend C has done a lot of damage and you probably won't know why or what she has said but you shouldn't care. If friends A & B were worth anything they would have stuck up for you and made sure you were included. On that basis alone they are not true friends.

I will never trust a group of women together ever again and like you I was always the one to meet new friends and be welcoming and include everyone in everything only to get stabbed in the back.

Please just ignore any further texts, block them from your newsfeed on FB and whatever you do DONT show them you are dwelling on it.

[Halfling]

Don't text anything back. Don't confront them. Give them no drama to feed on.

And leave things open ended for your own benefit. Decline any further meet up plans politely.

Just cut your losses and move on. Don't waste a single minute more on them. Focus on your own well being and the relationships that matter.

[cheeseandpineapple]

C has too much time on her hands and is your classic, screwed up Wendy. A and B, not true friends. There might be a bunch of reasons why the holiday worked out the way it did without it intended to be a snub to you but C has now explicitly made it a snub. A is reinforcing the snub by not trying to reassure you and explain the circumstances when she knows from C that you're feeling hurt.

Sounds like they've cultivated a little group around their first born reception kids. Out of interest are these their only children and do they happen to all have boys?

In any event, would keep the moral high ground and not give any of them any fuel for more gossip either between themselves or anyone else. You've already expressed being hurt so you can't back track from that but you do want to show you're not fussed and give the impression you're fine with things and want to move on so you can wind down the friendships without any drama.

Wouldn't bother engaging any further with C. But as for A, would go back and say, "all fine, was feeling a bit sensitive, must be time of the month, let's take a rain check re Sunday, think I'm going to need to recharge my batteries as feeling shattered by the week already, catch up soon".

And then just leave it at that, make excuses if anyone suggests getting together. Eventually get yourself as you say to polite acquaintances.

If you hadn't mentioned you were upset, would be saying don't bother responding at all or as Sparkle suggests, say no you're not upset etc. But if you've said in a text to C that you were upset, hard to deny that and simply not responding at all to A might make you feel more awkward if you run into her.

[MrsRuffdiamond]

Friend C feels like she's back in high school, does she? And you can bet she's just loving it, too. I can just imagine what she was like as a bitchy teen. You're well rid, imo.

[Crazeeladee]

Thank you all. Cheese - c has a girl, a and b have boys and b has a younger dd too.
When I read through it all , I see how bad it is now, I know I'd be saying the same to anyone else in the same situation. C has had a lot of self confidence issues, so this is probably a bit of a power thing too. I've got other good friends, will stick with them. I've learnt a lot from this experience.

[alma123]

Just responding to one of the comments above. The Wendy that I had the displeasure of coming across has several children so has had plenty of time in the school playground to hone her skills.

[SaltySeaBird]

I was Wendied too once, it's horrible.

Don't feel rejected by all three of them. C has most likely had a propaganda campaign against you, A and B just got sucked in by it and believe everything C says. They weren't true friends, they were easily led.

I wish I had never introduced my C to my group of friends. I don't know why Wendy's have to push out the original friend who brought them in.

I just want to add I know a lovely person called Wendy, I know some get upset by the term Wendied.

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

OP you sound lovely. C sounds like she's behaved horribly. I'm sure you'll have no trouble finding nicer "friends" than these

[BohemianGirl]

But different friendships to work for different reasons. You can have a large(ish) pool of mutual friends and the dynamics will all be very different. Friendships aren't exclusive.

I have friends I would cheerfully go on holiday with - but they arent the same sort I would take to the pub. Ditto I have pub mates but there is no way I would spend a week away with them, we'd drive each other bonkers. never again will I holiday with someone elses children

different friendships work for different reasons and I'm sorry if you're upset by the fact that we all see each other but I'm also sorry as I feel it's not something I should have to justify"

I'm probably the one who doesn't see anything wrong with that text. You aren't 10 years old, bitching in primary school thinking MY friend is ^MY exclusive property. She shouldn't have to justify who she sees, who she goes on holiday with.

I have only read your posts OP, so I haven't picked up on any 'Wendy' projection. Your posts actually say very little.

[auntpetunia]

I totally agree don't text any of them. be civil if you meet face to face but move on. it drives them nuts! but you not replying stops their, or in this case c's ammunition to blame it on you.

[SpiceWeasel]

I know it wouldn't be the right thing to do, but I would be very tempted to just text her back "Yeah".

[gobbynorthernbird]

Totally agree with Bohemian.
I read that text as C trying to say that it's nothing personal, but you're not a friend they do couple-y/family stuff with. Maybe it is to do with your DC or DH, but for whatever reason they will see you alone, so it's not like you have been completely excluded.

[MollyWhuppie]

I have read the whole thread and I have to agree with a lot of what bohemiangirl has said, although I think it is hurtful that they don't seem to care how they have made you feel and for that reason I would keep them all at arm's length and they do not seem to feel any loyalty to you.

Personally, there are very few people I would choose to go on holiday with - even my 'best' friend wouldn't be someone I'd choose as I know we would want different things from our holiday. I think the husbands in the group may have something to do with this too if they find your DH hard work, but I guess this is something that's embarrassing for them to admit to.

Sorry you feel rubbish OP. It seems friendships are always a minefield even in adult life!

[pigletmania]

Yes bohemian I get that, but we have feelings and it's hurtful when friends do that, all people in the friendship group meet and your the one left out. you think you get on, obviously not! I would go radio silence and just move on, c is right your not at high school so don't get caught up in petty bickering. Ok c has made it clear your not her type of friend, and b does nit give a monkeys she sounds like c, how about just stay in contact with A your original friend.

[TheMultiTasker]

ah this is nasty:(


it sounds like they don't like your dh, to me.

[sallysoubriquet]

Bohemian I have already made your first point (so it must be right ) but I stand by my rider to it, that is when these things happen it is organic, mutual and gradual. What seems to be happening here is a deliberate strategy on the part of C though I could of course be wrong always a first time

[Kikithecat]

Can't wait for the update after they've all been on holiday and fallen out because C made a move on A's OH or whatever!