AIBU (and controlling) or is DH (and controlling me)

[GoofyIsACow]

There is something that i really want, doesn't cost massive amounts of money, would add a little something to our lives and our children would love it.
DH said flat, outright, no.

DH wants to do something (just for him) which would take up a lot of his time, cost money and is something i have explicitly, in the past, asked him please not to do and he agreed.

I have found out that without telling me, he has contacted the person who has contacts for this thing he wants to do to ask about doing it.

I am utterly pissed off! :(

[squoosh]

Are the Masons watching this thread?

[Rosencrantz]

Let everyone have both, or no one have anything.

[WallyBantersJunkBox]

Wow, I did not think of those things.

I was thinking trampoline (you) dominatrix (him)

[WallyBantersJunkBox]

Think of all the parking fines that will just "disappear" in the future. That money could pay for a lot of meaty kibbles.

[MissPryde]

I think you're both being unreasonable, because you're not respecting each other's wishes. If he doesn't want a cat, you shouldn't get a cat, and if you don't want him to join the masons, he should not. Vetoing something is not controlling in itself, there's a lot more to controlling behavior. I think you both should respect each other's feelings on these issues, which, by the way, are two separate issues, not it's not about cat v. masons.

If you can work put compromises that's all well and good, but if something goes directly against the wishes of a partner, it shouldn't happen. Him contacting someone about going ahead with it is very out of order.

[ComposHat]

Cats can be quite expensive and time consuming. I adore cats beyond reason, but wouldn't inflict one on someone who isn't 100 per cent on board. I know that in about five minutes time the furry bundle of joy hogging three quarters of the bed will be meowing in my ear and demanding food.

As for the Masons (or the mafia for the mediocre as I like to think of them) wouldn't be my leisure pursuit of choice, but if you get to do a hobby that takes up similar amounts of time. YABU

[SadAndWorried1]

My husband has recently joined the Masons and he only attends 1 meeting every month. This is the norm until you move up the ranks. You can then attend more if you wish. An important part of the Masons motto is that your family comes first. I have a 2 year old and am due another soon and it doesn't interfere with family life. DH will just miss a few meetings while new baby is teeny.

The same goes with a cat. We had a kitten a few years ago and made sure he is very independent. He loves to come in for a cuddle but is also quite happy in his room (the downstairs loo) with a warm radiator and some food if we go away for the weekend. He's really no trouble.

I think Masons membership = cat

[GoofyIsACow]

Thankyou all for the advice, especially those with experience of the masons. I am going out now so will reply properly later, but anyone else with direct experience of masons (especially DH's) please share what you can, i googled when he first mentioned it and i was devastated, the whole first google page was

'The final nail in marriage's coffin'
'Drive a huge wedge between us'
'I hold masonry directly responsible for the breakdown of my marriage'

Etc etc, now i know that won't be everyone, but at that time i was so upset and asked him please not to do it, he agreed, as he was hesitant anyway and has always taken the piss about the whole masonic secrecy etc.

Now after finding out he has contacted our friend about it again (on 17th. Jan) i feel very betrayed. Especially as we have been rowing constantly lately.
He still hasn't mentioned it to me, so doesn't know that i know but i feel sick about the whole thing.

I have decided i don't want to get a cat btw, i feel it's not fair, like you have all said, it's now just the mason thing!

[WipsGlitter]

My bil is in the masons. It appears to be a drinking club!!

[BillyNotQuiteNoMates]

Just remember that the thing I know about the Masons code revolves around secrecy, so people posting about it will be those who have left or have had a bad experience. Anyone happy with their membership won't be posting on-line about it.

[bodygoingsouth]

I knew it was a cat op as soon as I read the post.

I would far rather have a cat, the Masons remind me of a midsomer murder plot, like bell ringers and book clubs.

[SkinnedAlive]

I am cat mad, but if your husband does not like them then its not fair to have one as they do become a very important and integral part of family life. Often though cats have a way of winning people round to loving them if they do fundamentally like animals. Men in particular often have odd views about cats. If he likes a dog but doesn't think he likes cats, then you could suggest a compromise by getting something like a Bengal cat that has very dog like attributes, and maybe getting a puppy when the children are older. Cats and dogs can live very happily together :)

My main worry re what you have described would be his keenness to go behind your back and join the Masons, when you had already discussed it and he knows you would not like it. I know very little about them, but I am betting that the Masons are a men only club with women being banned from membership. If so, joining such an organisation would be a dealbreaker for me. The concept of a club that excludes over 50% of the population solely on the basis of not having a penis - which incidentally includes the most important person in his life (being his wife) and that requires secrets to be kept from her, leaves me cold. I couldn't contemplate being with a man that views women in this way.

[Costacoffeeplease]

I know, or have known, several masons, and my opinion of them is not very high, so my husband would not be joining at any point, ever - if he wanted to remain my husband

[ComposHat]

skinned do you feel the same about the WI or the Townswomen's guild? Could yhey legitimately be described as dealbreakers in relationship as they exclude those who don't have a vulva?

[GoofyIsACow]

It's the secrecy i hate, secrecy has no place in my marriage im afraid :(

He still doesn't know that i know, i am wondering how he will tell me...

[VampyreofTimeandMemory]

what is the masons?

[MyNameIsKenAdams]

Oh gosh. Yes, this is about much more than a cat.

How long are you going to gove him to tel you or will you confront him about it?

At the very very least od be demanding the equivalent in time for yourself if he starts attending meetings and events.

[MyNameIsKenAdams]

Vamp its like a Mans Club. All men, networking, raisong money for charity (benefits are self promotion etc).

[VampyreofTimeandMemory]

interesting! thanks :)

[MardyBra]

Freemasonry:

Elitist
Sexist - woman can join the "lady masons" though. Whoopee.
Nepotistic - will help each other out. Possibly sometimes illegally (e.g. award local government contracts to fellow freemasons, help with planning applications)
Secretive - if there's nothing underhand, why not be open about it?
And a load of mumbo jumbo

If your DH wants to raise money for charity, why doesn't he just join the Lions Club, rather than a club which favours its own, possibly to the detriment of others.

[eightandthreequarters]

You don't want him to join a men-only club with a vow of secrecy so you can never join in and will never really know what it's all about. This isn't football on a Saturday morning, it is an open-ended commitment of time and money that would specifically exclude you.

You two need to start having some open and honest conversations about this.

[sykadelic15]

My dad was a Freemason. It took nothing from us as kids, didn't destroy mum and dad's marriage (31 years when dad passed) and I actually have really fond memories of the Christmas events at the Lodge.

My dad has since passed and we found his Heritage Bible, cufflinks and other Freemason things when we were going through some things of his (mum knew they were there but she didn't touch them prior to his passing). My brother and I have a cufflink each, the Bible is staying in the family, and the other stuff was returned to the Lodge. The boss man (sorry don't remember the proper term) was a good friend of dad's and attended his funeral and it meant a lot to me to see the notice in the paper honoring him going "to the big lodge in the sky" (even though for the last 10-15 years or so he hadn't been attending due to ill health) and he/we aren't religious.

I agree with other comments that the cat is a bigger commitment than him joining the Lodge and honestly, dogs and cats get along fine if introduced the right way so it's not a bar to getting a dog... so I would tell him that you're getting a cat, and you know he's joining the lodge, and that's that. Your cat, your problem.

As an aside, if he's a dog person and not a cat person - like my husband and myself - then he really won't like a cat at all and my husband would be beyond ticked if I got one against his wishes (but would understand if I REALLY wanted one).

[sykadelic15]

I will also mention that I don't have the negative feelings about the Lodge that so many people above have mentioned.

Secrecy? So what? It's a club where they sit around talking about stuff you probably don't care about anyway. I'm sure my husband doesn't tell me everything he talks to his friends about, or on forums about (and neither do I)... so no biggie.

Excluding women? Again who cares. Women have their special clubs as well.

Lady Mason's stuff - the wake for my dad was held at the Lodge and catered by the ladies and it was great.

Mileage may vary but I have no problem with it (and in fact have a contact here that would help my husband join if he wanted to but he isn't into it).

[WipsGlitter]

The secrecy of the masons? Just google and you can find out loads.

You do sound a bit controlling (sorry). People can still have individual interests within a marriage. I don't get these couples who have to have ernest discussions about stuff. One if the mums at school told me she was going to discuss coming on the mums night out with her husband why that level of codependency?