AIBU (and controlling) or is DH (and controlling me)

[GoofyIsACow]

There is something that i really want, doesn't cost massive amounts of money, would add a little something to our lives and our children would love it.
DH said flat, outright, no.

DH wants to do something (just for him) which would take up a lot of his time, cost money and is something i have explicitly, in the past, asked him please not to do and he agreed.

I have found out that without telling me, he has contacted the person who has contacts for this thing he wants to do to ask about doing it.

I am utterly pissed off! :(

[SlightlyDampWellies]

Time share ruling of the world.

Hmmm.

I can live with that.

[JabberJabberJay]

He's not being controlling. What is controlling about saying no to a family pet? If he doesn't want a cat, he doesn't want one.

To Masons thing is a separate issue. I get that you're worried it will take away from family time but what are your objections aside from that? Lots of people have hobbies that take them outside the home. It's not unusual.

[FuckingWankwings]

What does he think will happen about childcare while he's at the Masons? Or does he just imagine the childcare fairy will take care of it?

I'd be pissed off at this. I might be persuadable if he could come up with reasonably persuasive evidence that the Masons would benefit his career/your business, but otherwise not.

A cat is quite a commitment though, having said that. I don't think you ought to get one unless you know you can afford the time/money/attention and none of the household are going to resent it. The poor thing might easily find itself being used as a political football and that wouldn't be fair.

[Inertia]

If he's too busy to look after his own children then he's too busy to take on a new time-consuming hobby. And he certainly doesn't have time for a dog.

I wouldn't want the cat either though, TBH.

[livelablove]

If he likes animals and wants to have a dog in future then you should definitely be allowed your cat. Also it is much better to get the cat first, then you can introduce the future puppy to it and train them to get along. My mum has cats and dogs they are best friends together.

[TheDoctorsNewKidneys]

I think you shouldn't get a cat unless he's happy with it. It's not fair to get any kind of pet unless all the adults in the house are on board. Cats can be expensive - food, litter, vet bills/insurance, and they get everywhere, even if they're mostly "outdoors".

As for the Masons, I don't think it's fair for him to take on a hobby without your agreement, especially when it takes him outside of the home regularly and means you'll need to be around to provide childcare. I would tell him he can join as long as he can afford the childcare for while he's out.

He shouldn't automatically assume he can join and you'll just happily stay at home and look after his DC.

[livelablove]

Or even 1 masonic handshake = 1 cat plus a night off for mum every now and then.

[GoofyIsACow]

Do you knw what this sentence has summed up exactly how I feel

'He shouldnt assume he can join and you'll just happily stay at home nd look after his DC's'

Because i would never do that, and have never...

:( i feel sad now, this is bigger than the cat

[steppemum]

I am afraid the masons would be a deal breaker for me. I have not heard anything about them that would make me want to have anything to do with them. The masons aren't like a nice club, they are a weird secret society, from which you will be excluded.

The cat? well, ours doesn't cost much or interfere much with dh's life except he has started sleeping on our bed, creeps in in the middle of the night

But I wouldn't get a cat against my partner's wishes, as we are just that, a partnership.

[dreamingbohemian]

If he doesn't have time to watch his own children, he doesn't have time for a hobby, especially a time-consuming one.

Tell him if he goes ahead with it you will expect an equal amount of leisure time every week.

If he disputes that, ask him on what basis it's at all fair that he has lots of leisure time and you have none. Seriously, there is no answer to that question!

[FuckingWankwings]

'this is bigger than the cat'
It sounds as though it is, OP. I'm sorry. But at least you know, and you can have a think about what to do.

[ferretyfeet]

Have both

[livelablove]

Its a bit negative to say he shouldn't be allowed to do his leisure activity, because you can't do yours. What you need is some way you can both have some time off to get a break enjoy a hobby.

[FiscalCliffRocksThisTown]

I think for a pet, the whole family needs to be on board.

the Masons thing is a separate issue.

Nobody is being "controlling" (are you on MN a bit much )

[GoofyIsACow]

Ha! Fiscal... Yes!

[BillyNotQuiteNoMates]

Just a point, you say that he wants a dog and you would like one in the future but not now because your DCs are nervous of them. If you got a puppy then they would learn that there is nothing to be nervous about and would grow up together. He can then spend his "prospective mason time" walking the dog with the rest of the family!

[Birdsgottafly]

The people that I knew to be in the Masons, spent a fair bit if time attending events.

They were expected to stump up at least £300 at Christmas for their charity event. That was to attend a dinner function, in Black Tie clothing.

They could well afford it, but it wasn't cheap to be able to attend enough to make business contacts.

You are obligated to attend a percentage of meetings/events.

It is fine for him to enquire, but not to decide until it has been well thought out. Even if you were onboard, would the children be happy seeing even less of him?

I couldn't live without a pet, so I don't think you are BU, especially as you have to ask the GP's to help with the children, it doesn't sound as though he would ever be stuck looking after it.

[anothernumberone]

What do the Masons actually do? Is it just lots of fat middle aged accountants sitting around talking about their allotments or do they slaughter a nubile virgin in the name of their pagan God?

I wondered that too but I could never have phrased it so well PMSL.

[LittleMissGerardButlersMinion]

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but then I want a pet and I'm not allowed one, and my husband has just joined the Masons and its pissed me off because he didnt ask if I mind if he is out every week and if I mind him spending over £100 on joining fees. I wouldn't have said no but it would have been nice if he considered my feelings enough to ask me. He is also a member of another men's association.

The thing I don't like about the Masons is the secrecy. I thinks it's quite childish actually. But it's his choice, it would just be nice to feel like I matter for once.

Sorry for waffling on your thread OP :o

I completely understand how you feel.

[MamaMumra]

Bring a mason isn't a hobby. Why does he want to be one? I think YANBU btw. Don't know why, you just seem nice.

[SpagBogs]

If it his money fair enough.

[ohfourfoxache]

Cat. Definitely. They don't hog the duvet as much as husbands.

And they are generally quieter and more hygienic.

No contest

[FreakinScaryCaaw]

YANBU replace him with 2 cats. He sounds very selfish.

[PomBearWithAnOFRS]

If he does join the Masons, and then decides it's not for him and wants to leave, it can be, well, problematical and very expensive. I speak of my Dad's experience a few years ago but don't feel like I can go into any more detail "out here in public" so to speak. It was very stressful for both my parents though...

[2014ThisIsMyYear]

PomBear - oh go on ... what happens if a Mason wants to leave? I'm genuinely clueless but curious.