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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think the loss of my mum at 85 was tragic

132 replies

highho1 · 12/01/2014 23:22

Sorry this is a bit of a thread about a thread but it has got to me.
My mum died following a fall at 85. She may have only has a few more years left if she hadn't had the fall.
But at least than she would have possibly met her final grandchild. (My 3rd dd)
Aibu to think the loss of a older person can still be tragic.

OP posts:
Whathaveiforgottentoday · 13/01/2014 01:02

I'm sorry to hear the loss of your mum, I think when you lose your mum, it is difficult at any age.
I'm not sure I would apply the word tragic though. I lost both grandmothers recently and both were in their 90's and to be honest, both had good lives, not easy, but good lives, and although I miss them terribly, I felt it was just their time. If I have such a good long life I will consider myself one of the lucky ones. In both cases, they were very ill at the end and in great pain.
I think tragic is when you lose someone before they've had a chance to live.

However, I dread the day I lose my mum and perhaps on that day I will feel like you.

WhenWhyWhere · 13/01/2014 01:15

So sorry about your loss.

Of course your mothers accident was tragic however I understand what the poster on the other thread was trying to convey. I don't really know what you are trying to achieve with this thread. Tragic is just a word - everyone's perception of death and morning are different. My mil still talks about her parents who passed away 40-50 years ago. She talks about them ALL the time. I might think she is being unreasonable but I bet she doesn't.

I loved my gran very much and spoke to her all the time but I wasn't that upset when she died. She was very old and had had a happy life. I didn't take a single day off work and I didn't even cry. I guess some people might think me heartless. I certainly never thought of her death as tragic. Everyone is different.

WhenWhyWhere · 13/01/2014 01:16

I meant mourning not morning Blush. Also, I hope my post didn't sound arsey, it wasn't meant to.

TheTruffleHunter · 13/01/2014 01:36

So sorry for your loss OP. sounds like your Mum's death was unexpected, and in any event would have been terribly distressing for you.

Anyone who does the 'she was so old/it was a blessing' - except in very particular circs obviously - can just fuck right off.

Do not feel you don' t have the right to grieve OP, please.

sykadelic15 · 13/01/2014 01:37

My dad was 93 when he passed. Though he'd been sick, his eventual end was not expected.

It is incredibly crass and heartless to tell anyone that it's not a "tragic loss". It up to the mourner to decide whether it's tragic. The definition o tragic is: "causing or characterized by extreme distress or sorrow."

Don't tell me that my dad lived a good life. I know he did, but that doesn't mean I should be okay with his death or grieve less. Don't tell me that because he was sick I shouldn't consider it "tragic" to lose him.

He will never meet any kids we might have. He'll never meet the child my sister is pregnant with. Walk my other siblings down the aisle (if that happens). My mother still cries herself to sleep some nights. She still misses his cuddles.

Yes, he was older. But he was my dad and my family and I get to decide if his loss is tragic, and it was. The world lost a wonderful man.

squeakytoy · 13/01/2014 01:46

Yanbu. I lost my mum in almost the same circumstances. She was 79 but in excellent health, very independent, and there was no reason to think she didn't have a good 10 or 15 years left if not more.

She had a fall at home due to slipping off a stool while changing her window blinds, broke her wrist and died due to an allergic reaction to the anaesthetic she had when they were resetting her wrist.

I was devastated and feel cheated too. Almost six years now since it happened and I still miss her terribly.

squeakytoy · 13/01/2014 01:47

Yanbu. I lost my mum in almost the same circumstances. She was 79 but in excellent health, very independent, and there was no reason to think she didn't have a good 10 or 15 years left if not more.

She had a fall at home due to slipping off a stool while changing her window blinds, broke her wrist and died due to an allergic reaction to the anaesthetic she had when they were resetting her wrist.

I was devastated and feel cheated too. Almost six years now since it happened and I still miss her terribly.

BlingBang · 13/01/2014 01:47

Obviously we all see it different. My mum was 66, a sudden and brief fucking awful illness. Have never though of it as tragic, sad and heartbreaking for us, but not tragic.

BlingBang · 13/01/2014 01:51

Just think that people who make it past 80 or such and have people who love them and will miss them - are actually very lucky in life. Surely that's a life fully lived and we should celebrate that.

ZillionChocolate · 13/01/2014 07:13

If you think it's tragic, then it's tragic. I'm sorry for your loss.

I have found it easier to lose elderly relatives than younger ones who have missed out on a lot more.

ChoudeBruxelles · 13/01/2014 07:15

It's not tragic. People dying is tragic but when someone young dies I think there is a different sense of them not having accomplished in life what they could have done.

NigellasDealer · 13/01/2014 07:19

well it is very sad and upsetting for you but not 'tragic' tbh

MrsBungle · 13/01/2014 07:19

My mum died aged 52. She never got to meet any of her grandchildren. I find that tragic. My granny died aged 82 and whilst I mourned her immensely I didn't have the feeling of her being 'cheated' out an 'acceptable' length of life.

WandaDoff · 13/01/2014 07:29

I'm very sorry for your loss. Thanks

TBH, personally for me I found my Mum's death at 47, & my sister's death at 34 & DSS death at 14 tragic.

When my Dad died at 70, it was very sad & we miss him terribly, but it wasn't tragic, it was the end of a life well lived.

insancerre · 13/01/2014 07:29

when someone close dies we all grieve, regardless of their age. that grieving process is different for teenage sibinjg than for an elderly grandparent. well, it was for me .the death of a parent is different again. the way in which aperson dies can make adeath more tragic

Jinty64 · 13/01/2014 07:36

My dad died in his early 50's (not much older than I am now). The same week our neighbours little girl was hit and killed by a car. Even whilst mourning my dad, young as I was, I could understand the different impact these 'tragedies' would have in years to come.

I lost my Mum, quite suddenly, recently. She was in her late seventies. I am sad that my dad missed seeing his children making their way in life and didn't get to meet his grandchildren but I shared my adult life with my Mum and miss our companionship so much. To me her loss has been much harder but I don't think I could call it a tragedy.

formerbabe · 13/01/2014 07:56

Of course you will be devestated by the loss of your mum...but as someone who lost my mum when I was a child, I am struggling to see it as a tragic death. My parents didn't get to meet either of my children or even know me as an adult. I'm sorry for your loss but YABU.

Bumply · 13/01/2014 07:57

My mum died in her 80s of cancer.
It was quick enough that we didn't have to suffer a long drawn out painful illness, but long enough that she got to say her goodbyes and let us know she was content with her life and ready to go.
Not tragic in our circumstances, but I bloody miss her now a few years after.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 13/01/2014 07:59

It's very sad, and I'm sorry for your loss.

I wouldn't use the word 'tragic'.

AngelsWithSilverWings · 13/01/2014 08:19

I think it's a personal thing. If you feel it's tragic then it absolutely is. No one has the right to tell you how to feel about losing a loved one.

My Aunt died at 97. If she had died of natural causes it would have been sad but she was a very healthy,sprightly, funny and intelligent women who really didn't seem like a 97 year old. She was knocked over by a car on a pedestrian crossing while out shopping and died in hospital as a result.I think there is tragedy in that.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Stokes · 13/01/2014 08:28

The loss of a parent can be devastating, and the grief may never fully leave you. That is completely understandable and I think most people would acknowledge and empathise with that grief.

But the loss of a woman in her 80s who married, had children and grandchildren is not tragic IMO.

Death is the only guarantee in life, everyone you love will die at some point, and the only way not to experience that grief is to die before them.

I have lost two good friends in their 20s, the tragedy of those lives cut short was incomparable to the deaths of my grandparents in their 80s.

KittensoftPuppydog · 13/01/2014 08:34

I do know that the age of the person who died has nothing to do with the amount you grieve for them.
Grief is more complicated than that.

ComposHat · 13/01/2014 08:43

kittensoft I agree, that it is complex, but having experienced the death of a school friend who dies of cancer in his mid 20s, my overwhelming emotion was of the unfairness of it all, how could it happen so young and the life he was cheated of.

Whilst I was more upset when my my grandad died at the age of 82, a few months earlier, I didn't f feel the sense of a terrible injustice having been done.

Ragwort · 13/01/2014 08:46

I agree that I don't think I would use the word 'tragic' to describe an elderly person's death; my parents are in their 80s and, although currently in very good health, I (and they) are well aware that they probably won't have many years left. Death is something you expect as you get older and of course it will be very sad when they die, but I don't think I will consider it a 'tragedy' - unlike losing my young nephew to cancer or other family members who have died young. An elderly friend of mine has just lost her grand-daughter in truly shocking and tragic circumstances, her exact words to me were 'why couldn't it have been me, I have led a long & happy life, I was ready to go' Sad.

But it's only a word, it is very sad to lose a parent, whatever age, and it is important for you to grieve in the way that you want to.

WooWooOwl · 13/01/2014 08:48

Taking an individual case in isolation, yes it can be tragic. But it doesn't begin compare to the tragedy of a parent dying young and leaving young children behind, or of a teenager or child dying.

There isn't any need to compare of course because we don't need to compete over who has the worst grief, but I think the word tragic is one of those that shouldn't be over used because otherwise it minimises situations that are truly horrific.