To be unhappy with my parents if they go and my partner isnt

[bella411]

Normally on xmas eve we go to my sister's in laws for a meal. This year was to be the same however I have just been informed by my sister, that my partner isnt invited however me and dd are. The reason being he is quite direct so when last year (his first year going) we didnt get food til 10pm, he moaned and also he finished his food before host got to the table (we were told to start and all did). Also my sister in laws and my parents spend a lot of each other so to reduce the spending decided to do a secret santa. My OH said he didnt want to do the secret as the amount set was more than he spends on his family members and why would he want to spend x amount on his sister in laws, sister in law oh!

Obviously my dc and I arent going to go but although havent explained to partner, we are invited just not him. But now I am feeling a bit exiled from the family at christmas.... as me, partner and dc are having christmas at our house (partner's mum and partner were invited but arent comin) and my mum and dad are going to my sisters with the in laws who they are with on xmas eve.

I now feel my mum and dad should on principle not go on xmas eve, it doesnt bother my partner if he goes or not (he is happy as means we arent having to rush around as he'll be at work in the day). But it has left me being left out and not really having a chance to seeing family over christmas for much of the time, when its my dc 1st xmas and my parents only grandchild. While the rest of them play happy families without us. (we were going to try and get to my sisters on xmas day after dinner at ours but its not really logistical possible to go and come back without it being ridiculously late or just going for an hour).

I can see both side my oh and sisters in law but really its me, my mum and sister who are missing out.

In essence should I insist my mum doesnt go, or get annoyed if she does? Or am I being hormonal????

[ipswichwitch]

As a bit of an aside, i noticed you said you said your sisters ILs seem to expect this arrangement to continue every year. This is where problems crop up - families change, people get married, have kids, etc and to expect everyone to keep doing the same thing year after year is a big much. Eating at 10pm is odd - and completely not doable with kids, but I think you'd DP was rude to moan about it (I would have grumbled internally though!) and the ss thing was also rude, but I do see where he comes from with not being so bothered about spending time with them at Christmas. Fwiw, I have never even met my brothers ILs so it wouldn't occur to me to want to go to them in Christmas Eve.

Christmases are changing in our family now - there's too many of us to all be together in one house so this year we are staying home and will be spending time with each of them throughout the Christmas period. Some are not happy about this and still want the big family everyone under the same roof Christmas but its not workable any more.

[TeacupDrama]

our DP does sound rude and his attitude maybe bad , but on somethings he may have a point,

1. you have your own child now and maybe he wants to start with christmas's different not just your distant family that is reasonable many people do like to celebrate with just DC's and DP, some discussion on maybe big family christmas one year small immediate family another year

if you have always spent relatively small sums for christmas presents says £10 per person, then being asked to spend much more on distant relative will seem odd and he should be able to opt out, particularly if money is tight

starting your meal when someone says start is not unreasonable if you are really hungry you tend to eat faster if you were expecting food at 9pm 10pm is not so bad but if food was expected 7.30 10pm is very very late

you also have a point on certain things

you like big social gatherings with extended family this is fine
you want to participate in this with DP without him being rude or acting like a cold shower
he needs to learn that directness or brutal honesty is not always kind ior necessary
he needs to compromise about stuff

YABU to think this is anything to do with your parents and whether they go or not

you both need to work out compromises about christmas etc, it is not reasonable to just expect a new partner to fit in with the way the other has always done things, this of course applies both ways; also you need to balnace your love of big gatherings with his apparent horror of them, somethings you go alone to, somethings he bites the bullet and wears a smile somethings you opt out of and do your own thing as your own wee family

[Unexpected]

You absolutely can't insist that your mum doesn't go. Sorry but your dp sounds rude and I'm not surprised that he hasn't been invited back. I suspect you are minimising somewhat his attitude and behaviour last year and it was actually much more unacceptable than you have admitted to.

Eating at 10 p.m. is late but it's Christmas Eve, perhaps some people had been at church earlier or were working all day and then still had to cook? Either way, it's not the end of the world.

As for not wanting to take part in SS, has your dp never heard of fitting in with your surroundings, making an effort to compromise with other people/families? When I married dh and we started spending some Christmases with his family, there were all kins of things which were different. Some I liked, some not so much (the complete absence of stuffing from Christmas dinner was a tragedy!) but I wouldn't have dreamt of making a fuss. If your dp only ever goes where he wants to and does what he wants to he's going to end up with a very limited social life.

[DontmindifIdo]

OP you said: - I do have my issues with him and his attitude sometimes! Tho thats for another time!

but actually, it's worth looking at it now. Right now, his attitude is not just upsetting your feelings, it's limiting you and effecting your relationship with other people. This is exactly the right time to look at his attitude, because while you might be getting used to his 'lower level rudeness' other people's reactions are showing you just how unacceptable it is.

He is an adult, whether or not he is rude to people or whether or not he acts in a civilised manner when a guest in someone else's house is entirely in his control. He is chosing to be rude to people you care about. He is chosing to act like this. Normal men don't act like this.

If he wanted to, he could change his behaviour. You just have to decide if you are prepared to make him want to. (Because for me, offending family would be not something I'd be prepared to put up with and would make it clear behaviour changed or I would be single, and I'd mean it.)

There's another thread running with a woman who's 'D'P made a rude and bullying comment to her sick younger brother (who has a life limiting illness, her DP mocked the fact he was unlikely to still be alive by retirement to the poor boy's face). Read that thread.

[TheMaw]

The not eating until 10pm thing sounds weird but I know there have been a few occasions where I've timed everything badly and we've ended up not eating for ages. In those situations, if one of my guests had sat on his arse complaining and not helping, and been rude, I'd have been fucking livid and he'd never be in my house again. He sounds like a tool.

[Armadale]

I think when you go to someone's house as a guest, you realise they may do things differently to you, and accept that with good grace.

When it comes to spending time with your partner's family, most people would make a double effort to be polite and accommodating in order to support their partner, whether it was their cup of tea or not.

This tradition has been going for some years and these people are important to you. That your partner can not be bothered to make an effort says much more about him than about your family.

I would make the effort and go to the meal without him: clearly he would not be happy there anyway, but I'd stick to your family as close as possible. A partner who really can't be bothered to make an effort for you with your family doesn't really seem like a keeper

[Theodorous]

I wouldn't have invited him, he sounds utterly charming.

[mynewpassion]

I don't know about the rest of you but 10 pm is very late to eat an evening meal. The hosts were rude. I guess I'm just crazy.

I also don't want to give gifts for total strangers in a secret santa especially if its above what I will be spending on my own family. That's just ridiculous.

I think its time to start your own Christmas traditions. Invite your parents to your house another day.

[Morloth]

You don't have to go if you don't want to, for any reason.

But that doesn't give you the right to tell other people what to do.

It is absolutely fine for you to decline the invite, but then don't sit there and seethe because they are 'playing happy families'.

You can't have it both ways.

[Caitlin17]

Is he antisocial? I love socialising with friends but you'd have to pay me a lot and then some more to go to a Christmas eve celebration with obscure relatives of OH's. It's maybe just not his thing.

[Cerisier]

He is antisocial yet you like to socialize, so if you are to stay together you need to sort this out. As others say, go without him, he is not bothered. Don't let him isolate you from your family. If he doesn't like that then you will have to decide how to play it. Him or them.

He doesn't sound like someone I would be proud to have as my partner, but perhaps he has some redeeming qualities.

[turnaroundbrighteyes]

Why not make sure he's doing something lovely with his mate so you don't feel guilty and go. Then invite them all to yours at New Year and give him a heads up before hand that they mean a lot to you, you think he's been rude before so you would like him to make an effort and build bridges.

[friday16]

As an aside who thinks eating at 10pm when you have guests is acceptable?

No-one sane. It means you're starving hungry and sleep badly.

If I were somewhere and the host was playing passive aggressive like that, I'd go out and eat somewhere else. 10pm isn't "oh, I had problems getting the potatoes to crisp up", it's taking the piss. It's "look at us, we're so mediterranean" or something equally "Grim Up North London".

[Caitlin17]

Just spotted the party is hosted by your sister's mother in law. I do have some sympathy. I'm sure my OH wouldn't think his sister's mother in law was family to him and whoever that person might be is definitely nothing to me. I don't see any reason why you can't go without him.

[Caitlin17]

Just spotted the party is hosted by your sister's mother in law. I do have some sympathy. I'm sure my OH wouldn't think his sister's mother in law was family to him and whoever that person might be is definitely nothing to me. I don't see any reason why you can't go without him.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Because you want to get out, see your family and show your DD off on Christmas eve OP.

Go.

[bella411]

I really dont want to look like I'm defending him which I know it seems.

It's just we haven't seen them since May, nothing ever said n now for some reason the shit has hit the fan with it all.

N it's all very well for oh to be excluded but the sis sil only plays friend with me if her friends aren't about, didn't get anything for when my baby born n seemingly fforgot to invite me to football away day I would normally go on.

I could go for an hour to show my face before dc needed bed but what for?

[bella411]

He never said the I'm not spending x on them as not my family to them. That's was between me n him. When I said they are thinking of doing ss much earlier in the year. Tho that's his logic for not!

As ive said I dont think he was overly rude, just minor things, as if he was, iif I didn't say anything my mum would have. N sis mil is normally quite upfront to so if he had said something she would have made a quip back there n then. Which is why so confused, even sister didn't know he wasn't comin, as it is a assumed thing.

[Caitlin17]

I agree there's no need for him to be there.OH and I have been together 25 years and well still do his family and my family events separately. I don't see mine that often and I prefer having them to myself. His family I generally can't be bothered with, they're his, not mine.

[Yellowcake]

OP, if, as you keep saying, he's 'not bothered' about these people, isn't interested in a relationship with them, and would rather do something else on Christmas Eve, why punish yourself by not accepting the invitation? You keep mentioning the 'principle' of the thing -meaning. I assume, Stand By Your Man - but if he's uninterested in your family connections to the extent of not bothering with basic politeness, it seems as if you are cutting off your noise to spite your face.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Caitlin the OP herself wrote:
TBH can't remember the night, I know he has made some off the cuff / verging on rude remarks. Where I did think getting a bit rude there but nothing like OMG u need to stop now

This is straight from the OP. Who loves him. If she thought that, heavens knows what the hosts thought.

[Morloth]

It is fine to not want to do Secret Santa.

But probably best not to follow it up with a comment which effectively says 'I don't spend that much on people I care about, why would I spend it on you?'.

Each little thing is a minor irritation on it's own, but these minor irritations have obviously added up enough for the relatives to have had enough.

If you piss people off, you can't expect to be invited to their house.

[Kewcumber]

Go or go not as you prefer. They are quite entitled to not invite people that they felt were/are rude to them as they would be told if they posted on MN!

To expect your parents not to go as well would be a ridiculous escalation.

Why not invite your parents to pop over and see you on their way out?

[Caitlin17]

I really don't see what is so rude about saying he wanted to pass on the secret Santa. He doesn't get or give any thing, doesn't stop everyone else doing it.

Bit of a rant but they are such a waste of money. We do one in the department and everyone apart from one person does it. She says she'd be too difficult to buy for. She's absolutely right. We have a budget of £10 and other than playing it safe and getting chocolate there is no chance of any one buying her anything she'd want. I wish I had the nerve to do the same.

[Morloth]

Whether we think he was rude or not doesn't matter Caitlin17, the hosts here clearly did and they get to decide who they invite.

It is then up to the OP or not whether the people who have been invited go.