Christmas lunch with under-3s - AIBU?

[GromitAndWallace]

Going to my parents for Christmas, various relatives coming including my DSis, who has 2 yr old twins. When my kids were this age I would give them their lunch 30mins before everyone else and then they could either sit in their high chairs at the table for a bit, get down and play round on the floor in the same room, or go for an afternoon nap if needed. It worked really well as they joined in with the adults but we also got the chance to sit around the table and eat the lovely meal my mum had worked hard to prepare.

last year, Dsis's twins then 18mo) ate at the table with us and it was mayhem. Not their fault, tinies are messy, grab stuff etc and I get that. But I don't think we all sat down at the table at the same time, the meal was really rushed because the DTs got bored and fractious and people kept jumping up to get them yoghurt / toys / clean up spills / move things on the table out of their grasp. Dsis and her DH ate on a rota while they managed the kids (sort of) and I felt bad for my mum whose efforts seemed to go unnoticed by some.

This year, the DT are 2.5yo so better but still very messy, bored quickly etc. I'd like to suggest the idea of them eating a bit earlier (easy to do sausages, potato, veg in advance for them and they're not bothered by turkey) but AIBU? I'm not suggesting banishing them to another room, just getting them started earlier so that everyone else has two hands free to eat their meal and sit down together. My DM agrees and has mentioned it to DSis vaguely but doesn't seem to be getting a positive response.... (they are not great at communicating)

[halcyondays]

Yabu, it's up to your sister. We always had ours eat Xmas dinner with us, it would be a bit odd not to have everyone eating their Xmas dinner together tbh.

[halcyondays]

Mine would have caused more trouble if they'd been fed earlier, anyway and there is no way they would have napped while we had dinner. At least the food kept them occupied for a while.

[jazzandh]

I host Christmas lunch and I have a now 3 year old, who will eat with us and then get down and run around. All I will add is that as a host to large numbers (15 or so)..I just want everyone to have a good time, enjoy some food together.

I do not expect everyone to appreciate christmas Lunch as a cordon bleu event, it is fun, the food is what we gather around rather a fancy chefs tasting menu......

In fact as hostess I rarely get to eat mine while it is hot, but I expect that.

I would imagine your DM maybe feels the same, and is not fussed about everyone giving amazing appreciation to the food, just appreciation to the reason for all being together.....

[Tapiocapearl]

They are 2 and a half like my DS. I'd keep him a little hungry and then feed him the same meal as everyone else and at the same time. He's very social and would love it! We never feed our DS half an hour beforehand. He wouldn't go on to sleep or play quietly. He'd want to be with everyone pulling crackers and telling silly jokes.

[Tapiocapearl]

They are 2 and a half like my DS. I'd keep him a little hungry and then feed him the same meal as everyone else and at the same time. He's very social and would love it! We never feed our DS half an hour beforehand. He wouldn't go on to sleep or play quietly. He'd want to be with everyone pulling crackers and telling silly jokes.

[Tapiocapearl]

Make them a couple of goody bags to keep them occupied once they get s bit bored?

[ShoeWhore]

Christmas dinner is about family coming together around the table to share a meal. My dcs have all taken part from being 6mo (apart from ds2, who slept through his first Christmas dinner) They are a bit bigger now but I would have been very very upset if anyone had suggested they miss it.

We always sat them at the end of the table, flanked by dh and I, who are well practised at moving breakables out of reach, accepted they might get down for a bit, produced a few toys at opportune moments, were grateful the assistance of helpful aunties and grandads. A break between main course and pudding helped enormously, as did ditching the starter in favour of champagne and nibbles while the dcs play.

It's as much about the social experience as anything.

(As an aside, the kitchen is usually pretty manic in the last hour before Christmas dinner is served, as the cook I would really NOT want to start knocking out sausages and extra veg etc at that stage!!)

[Scrounger]

I like the idea of ShoeWhore's Christmas, I also see it as being about family coming together and this changes as the family changes, people grow older, new additions arrive.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I also like ShoeWhore's idea of Christmas - also TapiocaPearl's. It illustrates attention to the needs and wishes of the child and the parents and everybody else mucks in to make it a nice occasion.

Some children are sleepy after dinner, some fidgety before, during and/or afterwards and some seem to take it in their stride. No 'one size fits all' BUT it's parents attuned to surroundings, with consideration for everybody else as well as their child(ren) that make events a success. Entitled, lazy parents do their children - and everybody else - a huge disservice.

[chrome100]

Yanbu. Toddlers are a nightmare. Far Better for them to eat separately.

[OhMerGerd]

Another vote for the we're all in this together brigade. We all sit round the same table and eat together and the meal has been known to stretch for five hours with cheese port coffee etc. Sometimes that has been 21 people aged from 0 to 90. Seating is mixed adults so all the older aunties are not left at one end on their own but all the children 3 to 21 are arranged in a group together around the middle parts that lets the mischievous bang off party poppers and share cracker puzzles in downtime and littlies get help chopping and going for a wee etc from an older cousin. Babies and littles ones get a place between mum and dad until the day they say they want to be with the big cool kids group which is usually at about aged 3. No one gets down ( unless its for a wee ) until after pudding and then they're free to go play and return for a bit of cheese or whatever. There is so much going on, conversation, joking, munching etc and no one bats an eyelid if a baby cries, squirms or whatever. We pass them round, jiggle them on our knees while eating one handed and letting mum & dad have a break. Photos are taken, drinks do get knocked over ( that's usually me after two sherries though :) ) and we all appreciate the cook and show it by doing the washing up and clearing the kitchen as a group activity before we flop down for a snooze ( babes and oldies) or games ( everyone in between).
I think sometimes we look back on our own DC babyhood with rosé tinted specs and forget that others may not really have been so enamoured but just gone along with things to keep the peace. I try to be tolerant myself and that way we all part on good terms till next year.

[bedhaven]

I 'm afraid I also think YABU. Christmas dinner is a shared tradition, how are kids ever to learn how to behave at a family event/table if they are excluded? My DD was nearly one at her first Christmas, because everyone was too full of canapés dinner was delayed till too late for her and to be honest it spoilt the whole event for me. The next year I hosted and was very clear that the timings would revolve around the kids needs...we had a late breakfast which served as the kids lunch as they had early breakfast too and dinner at about 4 so plenty of time to enjoy. The kids join in with cracker pulling, hat wearing, demos of crap cracker toys and jokes, DD (nearly 2 by then) had her water in a red champagne flute, she loved it. If they need some entertainment at the table why not get them that for their Christmas present?

[EssentialCoffee]

I understand getting the dinner ready earlier so that the younger children don't get hungry and start whining, I'll be makings sure I've got the turkey etc., served up by 12 as DS gets very annoying when he's hungry and whines a lot!

The rest of it I don't understand, is serve the kids Turkey not sausages. Even if they don't eat any I'd still offer as it's healthier than sausages and how will they get to lie it if they don't get to try it every so often. I still serve up carrots to DS even though he's gone off them at the moment, I just put a smaller amount and let him decide.

I'd also have everyone sat down at the same time, at 2.5 the children are perfectly capable of feeding themselves without help. If they finish early and want to get down they could watch tv.

I'm not really sure that this should be such a worry.

[Ledkr]

But isn't christmas dinner supposed to be noisy and slightly chaotic? Not an exquisite elegant and formal occasion.
Ours is noisy and hats are worn jones are told and when the little ones have had enough they get down and play nearby or what a bit if tv with sine sweets. Should they need pulling apart or the toilet etc the family will just get on and do so, depending on who has finished or is nearest.
Op does sound a tad pompous with her idea of Xmas.

[Ninasaurus]

I think it is up to the parents to decide.

Your plan wouldn't have worked for us. After about 12 months dc wanted to be part of the family and wasn't the sort to be confined to the an area away from the family to eat (fussy eater who would rather play than eat).

Also when it came to the proper meal it wouldn't have been relaxing for the parents as dc needed full supervision. Not the sort to just play happily nearby in one place. Also toddlers often find it hard to nap after excitement and need lots of settling, buggy, car ride etc.

Much better to have dc at the table joining in the main festivities , confined to the high chair and sampling lots of edible goodies :)

[Jengnr]

If I was your sister and it was made clear like that that my children weren't welcome for a meal we'd stay at home instead or go elsewhere.

Sounds to me like now your children are older you don't want to deal with toddlers. Which is up to you but not very fair to push another family out because of your issues.

[HaveAFestiveLittleChristmas]

Adding to the YABVU I'm afraid.
I cannot imagine starting Christmas lunch for children ahead of everyone else - so the children are virtually finished, and heartily sick of sitting at table, before everyone else sits down.
Of course it is not a dignified adult meal when family are this age! but my goodness the children are learning a very great deal about social behaviour ....apart from the importance of being fully included in the biggest family occasion of the year. My eldest, aged three, managed to offer a very short "Grace" at Christmas lunch, helped by an adoring GF ( way back in the dark ages ) It is one of my most precious memories.

Honestly, if you haven't realised already from the replies ....you need to stay out of this. On every level.
The only acceptable input would be a word to your DM if she has failed to put a parent next to each twin, in the seating plan.
Then leave it up to your brother & his wife to get on with parenting.

If it bothers you, grab a grip, have some
If you do get indigestion, it won't be terminal.

[takeitonthegin]

YABU...a year does make a lot of difference. My DS is now 2 and a half and will sit at the table for a greater length of time than last year, he also isn't as needy. Maybe suggest a childrens table so the younger ones feel important. DS hates his high chair, but sits and eats beautifully at a little table with his brother. I think it makes him feel like a big boy. Maybe get some colouring stuff in to help keep them entertained or some blocks, im sure your sister would appreciate that more.

[MidniteScribbler]

The whole 'I want my DSis to enjoy her meal' is a load of crap. 'I don't MY meal interrupted by children' is what is actually meant. A bit like the people who say that they're having child free weddings because they want to give the parents a 'night off'. No you don't, you don't want children at your wedding. There's no problem with that, but at least own it and stop trying to make excuses.

[Mim78]

Yabu from me too I'm afraid. I think you are being too controlling. Like the idea of getting them ssomething to play with at table. Everyone should be together and Christmas and I also agree it would be more difficult for sis if they ate earlier.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

Well said midnite

I have two children they have always eaten Xmas dinner with us. It's never been a faff. Not quite sure either what all "the getting up and down" is about. Serve food get them a drink and set up a DVD for after. You can set up a colouring book and crayons and a couple of toys in a little bag the night before surely.

[ShreddedHoops]

YABU. I feel quite upset by the idea that my family might be irritated by my DS taking ages over his meal, needing help and so on I've always shared eating times and food with him and I'm not going to stop for Christmas!

[Gileswithachainsaw]

shredded

I don't see what the problem would be :( everyone's free to carry on as normal and your Ds takes as long as he takes. A minute to chop up some turkey or load a spoon coukdvt possibly ruin a meal. Not unless they are all so miserable and full that they have nothing to talk about and just state at your Ds.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

Full? Dull